[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

It looks like our belongings won't make it to our new home until the end of the first week of February. Boo! In any case, my s-i-l will loan us some things to get started in our new home, and we'll buy some of other things. Unlike in the US, some categories of stores just aren't open because of the pandemic. For example, you'd have a hard time finding kitchenwares, while in the US that could be found at most grocery stores, and also places like Target/Walmart. I don't mind living simply for a while, as long as its my own home. I think it will bug my husband more. However, one good thing about a mostly empty house will be that we can clean it more easily and even do things like painting a couple walls.

I asked Hubby if he'd take me to Prague today, to get out of s-i-l's house and do something different. He said yes, but it looks like it won't happen, in the end. At least gathering things for our house makes me feel like the final move is going to happen. My patience is growing less and less.

End of February...Yikes! The upside is as you say, though- cleaning, painting, it will all be much easier without having to deal with "stuff" in the way.

I really would like to see you in your own home, finally.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

End of February...Yikes! The upside is as you say, though- cleaning, painting, it will all be much easier without having to deal with "stuff" in the way.

I really would like to see you in your own home, finally.

Thanks, Beth. Actually, it will be at the end of the first week of February. Hopefully not the end of the month.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Thanks, Beth. Actually, it will be at the end of the first week of February. Hopefully not the end of the month.

Oh geez, I misread that. End of the 1st week of February is still stressful. The good thing is, it'll arrive quickly.

[Mountaindewed]

I am super super down in the dumps today. SI and everything. I took two 1mil Xanax around 9:30 and 11. Then I just now took another 1mil and a 1mil XR. Just to see if they help somewhat with what I’m feeling. The carpets were installed this morning. My mom thinks gray carpets and gray walls will sell the place faster. It looks like a mental institution to me. It just feels so surreal now the move. Plus the new South African Covid strain is scaring the **** out of me. I am so so depressed today.

Plus my chest is hurting a lot for the first time since November and pain is tough on me. I used to have such a high tolerance. Things just suck.

[Nammu]

Ohhhh geeezzzz shopping wears me out even when it’s only bits and pieces that come from different stores. Got my tea and paper towels and Kleenex, the rest wasn’t as important,...no I take that back, the cat litter was very important! I’m down to nothing. Yeah that was heavy. I got two so I don’t need it for awhile. Darn I forgot a mailing envelope!!! Gotta send the grandkids their cards and treats for valentines.

I’m doing ok. Just middling along not up or down. They changed the vaccine sign up so tomorrow I have a fighting chance to get mum signed. Up. I’m only 62 so it will be a while for me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I am super super down in the dumps today. SI and everything. I took two 1mil Xanax around 9:30 and 11. Then I just now took another 1mil and a 1mil XR. Just to see if they help somewhat with what I’m feeling. The carpets were installed this morning. My mom thinks gray carpets and gray walls will sell the place faster. It looks like a mental institution to me. It just feels so surreal now the move. Plus the new South African Covid strain is scaring the **** out of me. I am so so depressed today.

Plus my chest is hurting a lot for the first time since November. Things just suck.

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day, but I truly laughed out loud at "My mom thinks gray carpets and gray walls will sell the place faster. It looks like a mental institution to me."

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Ohhhh geeezzzz shopping wears me out even when it’s only bits and pieces that come from different stores. Got my tea and paper towels and Kleenex, the rest wasn’t as important,...no I take that back, the cat litter was very important! I’m down to nothing. Yeah that was heavy. I got two so I don’t need it for awhile. Darn I forgot a mailing envelope!!! Gotta send the grandkids their cards and treats for valentines.

I’m doing ok. Just middling along not up or down. They changed the vaccine sign up so tomorrow I have a fighting chance to get mum signed. Up. I’m only 62 so it will be a while for me.

Shopping always wears me out. But then, most things do. Sending Valentines is fun, though.

[swimmingly]

hi,

not sure if anyone remembers me, but I disappeared back in Oct/Nov. I was doing really well, and then in October started the great crash. FIrst, I was laid off. I think I shared that with everyone before I disappeared. Then I started having migraines. I tried to file unemployment and found out that someone had stolen my identity and I wasn't able to make a claim under my id. I've been fighting my state's gov't over that ever since. No luck. No money. Tight food. I disappeared from here. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I think that should have been a sign that I was tanking it, but I couldn't see it. I ended up finally recognizing the signs and getting into a PHP where I've been getting treatment for my bipolar. My meds have pretty much stopped working. I like this program because I can do it from home, and it takes four hours a day. there's exercises about how to deal with breaking out of episodes. They help me. I've got a few tricks in my toolkit.

I hope all the regulars are going well and any new members have found this to be a safe haven. I'll do my best to stick around better this time.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by swimmingly

hi,

not sure if anyone remembers me, but I disappeared back in Oct/Nov. I was doing really well, and then in October started the great crash. FIrst, I was laid off. I think I shared that with everyone before I disappeared. Then I started having migraines. I tried to file unemployment and found out that someone had stolen my identity and I wasn't able to make a claim under my id. I've been fighting my state's gov't over that ever since. No luck. No money. Tight food. I disappeared from here. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I think that should have been a sign that I was tanking it, but I couldn't see it. I ended up finally recognizing the signs and getting into a PHP where I've been getting treatment for my bipolar. My meds have pretty much stopped working. I like this program because I can do it from home, and it takes four hours a day. there's exercises about how to deal with breaking out of episodes. They help me. I've got a few tricks in my toolkit.

I hope all the regulars are going well and any new members have found this to be a safe haven. I'll do my best to stick around better this time.

Sure I remember you! I'm glad you dropped in and hope that you will stick around. Sounds like you went through a really rough patch. Huge kudos to you for taking the step of getting into a PHP.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Welcome back Swimmingly! I'm sorry things have been so rough and am glad you are getting help.

[bizi]

welcome back swimmingly.
The forums are another tool in your tool box kit for things to do to make your situation come around. To help you cope.

bizi

[bizi]

for give me for asking is SI suicide ideation or does it mean self Injury?
bizi

[Mountaindewed]

Took too much again. I may go IP voluntarily after my therapy appointment. I want to spill my guts to her first. Feeling super sick right now. More than usual after an episode. I can sleep it off again. I’m sure. I can’t believe installing new carpets made me freak out so badly.

The whole thing was just so surreal. My mind is kinda goofy too.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

for give me for asking is SI suicide ideation or does it mean self Injury?
bizi

Si is suicidal ideation, SH is (I think) self harm.

[*Beth*]

I called my friend C. She's home from the hospital, did not have a heart attack, went into the ER on Saturday because she "felt awful." Her blood pressure was sky-high, her blood sugar was very low, and she's lost a substantial amount of weight recently (without trying). The diagnosis is, indeed, liver damage. She hotly denied that the damage is from, as her MD put it, "acute alcoholism." Said she might have a "little bit of scarring on her liver" from not eating well. I asked her if she thinks therapy could be helpful. She snapped at me about "not having a drinking problem"! Then she said her liver is damaged from stress. She did agree that an antidepressant could help.

I listened to her for nearly an hour, said very little (not much to say, frankly). Hopefully the case manager they assigned in the hospital will get her on a healthy track. I've done all I am willing to do. I won't get into an argument with her.

[bizi]

I would distance myself from her abusive behavior(verbal).
You can lead a horse to water.........but you can't make it drink.
She is in denial like you said. Only she can make up her mind.
I hope I did not make matters worse for you?
Give her an ultimatum. It is called tough love.
I don't really know...
Am so sorry that she and you are in this spot. You can walk away from her. Tell her that you would get together for coffees.
don't know.
We will support you what ever your decision is.
sorry trying to be helpful....don't know that I am.
bizi

@swimmingly Welcome back! Sorry to hear about the rough patch, but glad you persevered and got help.

[wildflowerchild25]

Work was very hard. I could feel the depression crushing my chest. I got an appt with my pdoc at 2:30 today, a video session, so I took it. I missed mine last week because I mixed up the dates. I actually cried. I CRIED. I never, ever cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. She increased lamictal for a short time to keep my feet under me while I deal with this.

I decided to read a book I often read when distressed. Get me out of here by Rachel reiland. It’s about BPD, not BP, but the underlay is her dealing with childhood abuse that she never saw as abuse, which is what I’m dealing with except in the context of my marriage. I put it down an hour ago so I could try to get some sleep. I’m not having SI yet. I’d like to SH but it’s pointless, it would only upset RS and would only make me feel better for a moment.

I think I need to start keeping a journal again. I had a nice pretty one but I’m not sure what I did with it. It’s easier to type. I guess I should fire up my chrome book.

I have therapy tomorrow. I’m going to bring up the anxiety at least, we will see where it leads.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

If they only knew what i really thought
What was really going on in my mind
They would either close their eyes and pretend no to see me
For who i really am
Or they would shun me for my thoughts.
i reach out and they don't hear my silent screams
Of helplessness, of hopelessness
So i sit and wait
To see how it will all turn out
In the end. Alone.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

I would distance myself from her abusive behavior(verbal).
You can lead a horse to water.........but you can't make it drink.
She is in denial like you said. Only she can make up her mind.
I hope I did not make matters worse for you?
Give her an ultimatum. It is called tough love.
I don't really know...
Am so sorry that she and you are in this spot. You can walk away from her. Tell her that you would get together for coffees.
don't know.
We will support you what ever your decision is.
sorry trying to be helpful....don't know that I am.
bizi

VERY helpful, bizi! Everything you've posted to me about my friend has been helpful. I would so easily allow myself to be abused - thank you for reminding me not to allow that. btw, C. lives in a different state, which makes it easier to cool our friendship, at least until (if) she gets on a healthier path. 52 years is a long time for a friendship, so I won't give it up entirely. But sticking to Facebook for a good, long while works for me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Work was very hard. I could feel the depression crushing my chest. I got an appt with my pdoc at 2:30 today, a video session, so I took it. I missed mine last week because I mixed up the dates. I actually cried. I CRIED. I never, ever cry. I just felt so overwhelmed. She increased lamictal for a short time to keep my feet under me while I deal with this.

I decided to read a book I often read when distressed. Get me out of here by Rachel reiland. It’s about BPD, not BP, but the underlay is her dealing with childhood abuse that she never saw as abuse, which is what I’m dealing with except in the context of my marriage. I put it down an hour ago so I could try to get some sleep. I’m not having SI yet. I’d like to SH but it’s pointless, it would only upset RS and would only make me feel better for a moment.

I think I need to start keeping a journal again. I had a nice pretty one but I’m not sure what I did with it. It’s easier to type. I guess I should fire up my chrome book.

I have therapy tomorrow. I’m going to bring up the anxiety at least, we will see where it leads.

I know that exact feeling of "chest crushing" depression. I'm sending you a virtual very gentle hug, wfc

[Soupe du jour]

Even though I woke up at 6 am this morning, I just couldn't move until after 10 am. Last night I slept alone in one of my s-i-l's bedrooms. Hubby slept in another because the bed in the room I am in slopes downward on one side, and next to a cold window on the other. I understand Hubby wanting a better sleep, but the loneliness and lack of physical closeness got to me.

From 6 am onward, all I had were sad thoughts. Feeling hurt by something said yesterday. Feeling alone. Already feeling the frustration of not understanding the language here in Czech Republic. Upset that they often talk over me, in Czech, as if I am a tree stump or child. Yes, I know no intentional harm is being done, but...

After some months of being strong with figurative calluses, some weakness and vulnerability is starting to show itself. Homesickness already. Homeless feeling. And yet we are to finally go to Brno tomorrow. So close, but I am weakening mere meters to the next stage of this journey. I am also keenly aware that the journey will be a long one with many challenges ahead.

Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will feel strong again, with excitement. Or even this afternoon. Mood dips can be fleeting. Also, I have to know that anyone in my position--even those without mental health challenges--could feel the same.

I have asked my husband numerous times to just go for a walk with me, or take me to Prague, but he hasn't. His excuse is always that he has too much to do. But not even a 10 minute walk? Then, just a bit ago, he asked if I would like a walk with him. Finally. He now "gets" that my earlier sniffles were not a developing cold, as he earlier asked, but rather tears.

I will be alright.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Even though I woke up at 6 am this morning, I just couldn't move until after 10 am. Last night I slept alone in one of my s-i-l's bedrooms. Hubby slept in another because the bed in the room I am in slopes downward on one side, and next to a cold window on the other. I understand Hubby wanting a better sleep, but the loneliness and lack of physical closeness got to me.

From 6 am onward, all I had were sad thoughts. Feeling hurt by something said yesterday. Feeling alone. Already feeling the frustration of not understanding the language here in Czech Republic. Upset that they often talk over me, in Czech, as if I am a tree stump or child. Yes, I know no intentional harm is being done, but...

After some months of being strong with figurative calluses, some weakness and vulnerability is starting to show itself. Homesickness already. Homeless feeling. And yet we are to finally go to Brno tomorrow. So close, but I am weakening mere meters to the next stage of this journey. I am also keenly aware that the journey will be a long one with many challenges ahead.

Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will feel strong again, with excitement. Or even this afternoon. Mood dips can be fleeting. Also, I have to know that anyone in my position--even those without mental health challenges--could feel the same.

I have asked my husband numerous times to just go for a walk with me, or take me to Prague, but he hasn't. His excuse is always that he has too much to do. But not even a 10 minute walk? Then, just a bit ago, he asked if I would like a walk with him. Finally. He now "gets" that my earlier sniffles were not a developing cold, as he earlier asked, but rather tears.

I will be alright.

You're absolutely correct in that anyone would feel homesick, etc. in the situation you're in. I think it would be odd if they didn't, in fact.

I hope today is going better for you, Soupe.

[MuddyBoots]

Last night was weird. I took my meds (including PRN Temazepam) and I was terrified of falling asleep. Like I genuinely believed if I fell asleep I would die. This was after two back to back all-nighters so I needed sleep too. I was laying down and whenever I would feel like I was falling asleep my anxiety would just skyrocket and I'd have to wake myself up. I did eventually fall asleep though (for five broken hours). Today I'm super anxious. Gotta get my iinjection later.

[swimmingly]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I will be alright.

It's okay not to be alright. It's such a different world, and I do not know that I would have remotely the strength that you've shown in isolation. My ears are always open.