[Sunflower123]

Happy birthday Mountaindewed!!!!

[Sunflower123]

I had a therapy appointment yesterday and the therapist said I was doing amazing things and that I should be proud of myself. That felt good because I have worked incredibly hard to be the healthiest version of myself as I can be. My life is improving in many areas and that pleases me. The areas where I struggle (my mom)...well...I have had stern talks and set healthy strong as steel boundaries. Those things and my inner peace course have been very helpful.

I’m looking forward to our Super Bowl party (the three of us) and then to Valentine’s Day. I buy the biggest, most beautiful bouquet I can find for myself and one for mom. I’m (almost too) happily single but I figure I’ll remarry sometime in my sixties after I enjoy traveling with my daughter and getting to know my grandkids.

I hope everybody has a nice day tomorrow.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I still really want a dog. A greyhound or a chihuahua.

Dogs are cool. In August we got a chihuahua mix that weighs in at 6 whole pounds! My girlfriend wanted a lap dog this time around (our last dog was an 80 pound German Shepherd). It sounds like your weather is much like ours, though. The problem with a very small dog is the fact that snow & cold are an issue. The snow gets too deep & there's not much hair or mass to keep Papi warm. Thus, getting him to do his business outside in the winter is a problem. Another issue to consider is that dogs tie you down more than cats do (though I'm not a big fan of cats). Just a few thoughts from a chihuahua mix owner...

[Moose72]

Just wrote another poem. I think I'm exhausting this type of poem!

My Longing Alone

Be still my subtle muse
All sorrow is nigh
My soul cannot refuse
A suffering woeful sigh.

In mourning with the sacred muses
Pity the soul which scorn chooses.

Now tolls the bell
Sweetly ringing goes
Into my breast
My weary self to rest.

Awake the knelling of a calling
My sweet heart felling
All my sinful sighs
Cannot tie
A broken mind
To itself in esse unkind.

Softly
Sings my song
Love is
Through Death piping my longing alone.

[swimmingly]

Quite beautiful, Moose. Thank you for sharing.

[swimmingly]

Happy Birthday, Mountaindewed! I've enjoyed getting to know you this past year.

[Fuzzybear]

Beautiful Moose, thanks for sharing!

Originally Posted by Moose72

Just wrote another poem. I think I'm exhausting this type of poem!

My Longing Alone

Be still my subtle muse
All sorrow is nigh
My soul cannot refuse
A suffering woeful sigh.

In mourning with the sacred muses
Pity the soul which scorn chooses.

Now tolls the bell
Sweetly ringing goes
Into my breast
My weary self to rest.

Awake the knelling of a calling
My sweet heart felling
All my sinful sighs
Cannot tie
A broken mind
To itself in esse unkind.

Softly
Sings my song
Love is
Through Death piping my longing alone.

[Fuzzybear]

Happy Birthday Mountaindewed!

[buddha1too]

I've felt absolutely "normal" (if there is such a thing) for the past several weeks. I really hit the skids there for a few months but was able to stabilize somehow. I wish I could remember this feeling when I get too low or start getting too high or anxious. I know everyone goes through highs & lows, but perhaps folks with bipolar disorder have a heightened sense of "normal" when things stabilize. But maybe I'm just full of it! Whatever the case may be, I'm in a very nice space & I'm grateful.

[leomama]

Definitely struggling with a second wave of depression, put in motion by actual events in my life. Today I saw some glimmers of hope like stars in the new moon night sky. I’ve been trying really hard today on spiritual and cognitive levels to feel better.

I had fun today watching "Superstore" on Netflix. I laughed and laughed. It was a good time.

The fourth night of my benzo taper went fine again. This might not be so hard! Mind you, i am just in the stage of transitioning from Clonazepam to Valium so i'm not actually reducing my dose yet. But it's off to a good start! Had a headache today tho but it was bearable.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm relieved that the handymen are taking a weekend off and returning to Prague. I need a break from everyone, except for my husband. It has been too long that I couldn't just get up and not be a guest (including at a hotel) or have guests, of a sort. They will return on Monday, though, to finish tasks. My routine needs to be restored soon. When our stuff finally arrives, that will be a challenge, as well.

[Polibeth]

Soupe - I'm exhausted just reading your updates - what an adventure but I hope you have a relaxing weekend without the handymen.

I'm up early because my male cat is an attention hog and wakes me up between 3 and 4:30am each morning wanting love. If I wasn't always tired it would be adorable. He settles down around 6:30am and I go back to bed. I know this disrupted sleep isn't good for my BP but there's not much I can do about it. Cats are hard to train - LOL.

[leomama]

Lol I have to get up at 5 for work , and my daughter woke me up at 11pm. That’s why I don’t have a pet. It’s no wonder I’m struggling with depression.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m not feeling good again. I was itching really bad and getting these hot flashes. So I got some Benadryl from Walgreens. I was kind of jealous seeing several people getting their Covid vaccines while my mom is struggling to sign up. But anyways the pharmacist said I could take Benadryl with my meds. So I took one when I got home from grocery shopping. And it made me really drowsy. And I’ve been in bed for about 1.5 hours. I need to get the motivation to do something or else I’m going to get really really sick. I’ve been lying in bed not eating or drinking much for 3 days now. I put off my haircut until next Friday. I’m not really sure what to do. I think this may just be bad PMS with a possible UTI. I have a couple more days until I get my supposed period. But I feel like I’m just wasting away because of my depression and whatever else I have going on.

But it’s like that quote from Mean Girls “I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you.”

But it’s

“I’m not eating because I don’t feel good, and I don’t feel good because I’m not eating.”

I need to figure out something though.

[Moose72]

I kinda knew this might happen...

My car has been having a hard time starting- even when its not bone cold out.. And when I drive, it jerks and loses power -or diminished power anyway- in this rhythmic pulse. I thought maybe it was the fuel pump. But today I left the lights on (old car) and the battery was of course dead. So I called AAA for a jump. Almost an hour and a half later the truck shows up. (We had to sit in the car and the wind chill is -5 and the regular temp is 17 or something! But at least we were out of the wind.) He tested the battery various ways and eventually declared that it was a bad battery because his little electronic sensor thingie told him so, which he showed me. So he offered me a new battery. I- good or bad- said yes. Only because my car has been driving with that pulsing and almost not starting every time I go to start it! And its been going on even when it was warm out! So, that was that. I paid for the battery and the car sprang to life! Driving it felt GOOD! It had so much power! Now, I'm worried it might be my alternator that is killing my battery?? But that's just a wild stab in the dark. At any rate, once we left the parking lot of Home Depot (where it died) it was all zippy and happy and ALIVE! I felt good. But of course, i called my mom and told her and her husband got all up in arms saying the old battery had been under warranty and it hadn't been that long since we'd gotten it (I have no idea when we actually got it) and he wanted to get the old one back and get my money back, etc. I hate that my mom puts everyone on speaker phone with her Iphone so her husband hears everything I say! I didn't call him on purpose because I thought he'd freak out- and he did! So we left it as is. I guess I'm the idiot that's out a bunch of money. Meh. I hope the car stays zippy! But now I feel bad because of what my mom's husband said and did. (He called the place he says we got the old battery and talked to them.)

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I kinda knew this might happen...

My car has been having a hard time starting- even when its not bone cold out.. And when I drive, it jerks and loses power -or diminished power anyway- in this rhythmic pulse. I thought maybe it was the fuel pump. But today I left the lights on (old car) and the battery was of course dead. So I called AAA for a jump. Almost an hour and a half later the truck shows up. (We had to sit in the car and the wind chill is -5 and the regular temp is 17 or something! But at least we were out of the wind.) He tested the battery various ways and eventually declared that it was a bad battery because his little electronic sensor thingie told him so, which he showed me. So he offered me a new battery. I- good or bad- said yes. Only because my car has been driving with that pulsing and almost not starting every time I go to start it! And its been going on even when it was warm out! So, that was that. I paid for the battery and the car sprang to life! Driving it felt GOOD! It had so much power! Now, I'm worried it might be my alternator that is killing my battery?? But that's just a wild stab in the dark. At any rate, once we left the parking lot of Home Depot (where it died) it was all zippy and happy and ALIVE! I felt good. But of course, i called my mom and told her and her husband got all up in arms saying the old battery had been under warranty and it hadn't been that long since we'd gotten it (I have no idea when we actually got it) and he wanted to get the old one back and get my money back, etc. I hate that my mom puts everyone on speaker phone with her Iphone so her husband hears everything I say! I didn't call him on purpose because I thought he'd freak out- and he did! So we left it as is. I guess I'm the idiot that's out a bunch of money. Meh. I hope the car stays zippy! But now I feel bad because of what my mom's husband said and did. (He called the place he says we got the old battery and talked to them.)

Oh, fun. Car trouble. The thing is, part of the benefit of being a AAA member is that you get a new battery at a decent discount. I've done it a couple of times. I get it about the warranty, but like you said, Meh.

I feel really invaded when my sister puts my call on speaker phone so her husband can hear. I love my BIL, it's not that. But I feel like I want to speak alone with my sister. I think it's such an odd thing to do the speaker phone when there's no reason for a third party call.

My car's been dead for a couple of months. I've never been so remiss about taking it in. I hope yours stays zippy!

[Mountaindewed]

I’m trying to figure out if I should go IP. I took a Benadryl and it just messed with my moods and then I took a couple Xanax and my night meds early and nothing is helping my anxiety. I’m not even anxious about anything. I’m just so anxious as a result of the meds I took. But I don’t know what a hospital can do for me. I’m not S or having any SH thoughts. I can’t contact my therapist to ask. So I’m just really confused right now. I’m trying to just lie down and relax it off. I also slept really bad last night. So maybe I’m just exhausted physically. But it’s tough right now. This is the second time this week I’ve seriously considered going IP.

Edit: I just took my 4th Xanax. So I’m at 3 milligrams. 2 1 milligram XR. 2 regular 0.5. I have never taken this much Xanax before. I am never taking Benadryl again. Visteril 50 did the same thing to me. But the 25 works well. I’m hoping to be able to get that refilled soon to get me through the next couple days.

Edit: took another Xanax. Anxiety was just out of control. I also took a melatonin. Got a bad headache. Took 2 Tylenol. I’m in bed now super drowsy. This is dangerous the way I’m living my life.

[*Beth*]

Spoke with my pdoc about the med side effects I've been (trying to) living with for many months/a year or 2. She said she thinks the Wellbutrin has lifted my depression enough to tell her about the side effects, to perk up and focus...which I agree with. I felt like for the first time in my 3 years of seeing her I got it together to speak out.

The side effects I brought up were the frequent/urgent peeing, inability to regulate my body temperature/sweating (even when I'm cold, so I get the 'hot-colds'), and tremor/akathesia (hands, arms, torso, legs).

Dr. W. listened well and carefully, and suggested 2 med changes ("slow at first..."). I have a feeling that those 2 small changes won't make much difference - but it's a start towards less meds and - hopefully - more comfort.

The weather is absolutely like spring. A bit warm! Not getting dark now until nearly 6 p.m. I baked a lasagne for my husband and I and I feel like Ugh, kinda heavy for tonight. But the night will chill down. I hope.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m trying to figure out if I should go IP. I took a Benadryl and it just messed with my moods and then I took a couple Xanax and my night meds early and nothing is helping my anxiety. I’m not even anxious about anything. I’m just so anxious as a result of the meds I took. But I don’t know what a hospital can do for me. I’m not S or having any SH thoughts. I can’t contact my therapist to ask. So I’m just really confused right now. I’m trying to just lie down and relax it off. I also slept really bad last night. So maybe I’m just exhausted physically. But it’s tough right now. This is the second time this week I’ve seriously considered going IP.

Edit: I just took my 4th Xanax. So I’m at 3 milligrams. 2 1 milligram XR. 2 regular 0.5. I have never taken this much Xanax before. I am never taking Benadryl again. Visteril 50 did the same thing to me. But the 25 works well. I’m hoping to be able to get that refilled soon to get me through the next couple days.

Edit: took another Xanax. Anxiety was just out of control. I also took a melatonin. Got a bad headache. Took 2 Tylenol. I’m in bed now super drowsy. This is dangerous the way I’m living my life.

Md, this could certainly be just me, but even though I take melatonin sometimes it makes me feel weird, even kinda sick. Especially more than 5mg. And off-balance. I really don't like it much.

[wildflowerchild25]

Struggling severely. Basically just trying to survive at this point. During work I was so upset and the only thing I could think to do was write. So I grabbed some paper from the closet and just wrote. After a couple of hours I finally calmed down enough. I didn’t turn in my one to one log or do the work I’m supposed to do. I will apologize to my teacher. My supervisor won’t notice the missing log right away.

My brain is telling me to do terrible things but I keep beating in back. In a way, it’s actually protecting me by giving me visions of the one thing I cannot do because I do not have access. I’m getting that itchy feeling on my arms. That’s why I got the forearm tattoos though, of course. Can’t ruin expensive art.

[Victoria'smom]

I get itchy too and got a tattoo that I can't ruin. Please stay safe.

[Moose72]

MD I am worried about your taking so many sedatives at once! I think you should go IP- maybe regular ER first?

I got to sleep okay but woke up too early, but i just dozed. I'm on Seroquel and it gives me crazy thoughts tho when i doze so it wasn't too pleasant. I had a quiet somewhat dull day. I enjoyed music and Scrabble (once i started winning). It's going to be sunny tomorrow! Yay!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Spoke with my pdoc about the med side effects I've been (trying to) living with for many months/a year or 2. She said she thinks the Wellbutrin has lifted my depression enough to tell her about the side effects, to perk up and focus...which I agree with. I felt like for the first time in my 3 years of seeing her I got it together to speak out.

The side effects I brought up were the frequent/urgent peeing, inability to regulate my body temperature/sweating (even when I'm cold, so I get the 'hot-colds'), and tremor/akathesia (hands, arms, torso, legs).

Dr. W. listened well and carefully, and suggested 2 med changes ("slow at first..."). I have a feeling that those 2 small changes won't make much difference - but it's a start towards less meds and - hopefully - more comfort.

The weather is absolutely like spring. A bit warm! Not getting dark now until nearly 6 p.m. I baked a lasagne for my husband and I and I feel like Ugh, kinda heavy for tonight. But the night will chill down. I hope.

That is a great progress! I remember when I was at the point you are. in terms of ability to reduce meds/dosages. My life quality only improved from there. I hope the same for you.