Tw- su*cide

Does anyone else get this?

This is NOT how I actually feel but my thoughts keep reverting back to this idea. I find myself feeling others are "ungrateful" for me being alive which is not something I actually think but just feel. I know it isn't true and is very self-centered. But I think if I told them my plans they would act differently (this isn't bad, it's normal). I am at the point where I resent everyone, myself most of all.

It is as though my soul is already gone and I am frustrated that they don't care. I am physically alive, how would they know? I seem functional. Sometimes I want to act the way I feel but there's no time for that and I am gone from reality. And it is not their responsibility. I've been in treatment for years but feel like I am still emotionally twelve and I have no access to memories. Also I don't want others to be sad if I go I want them to move on because I suffer every day and need a break but am too functional on the outside for a break. This is not a letter I am just posting to see if you guys feel the same ever thanks.

So Sorry that things are being so hard! Yes, it can be hard for other people to understand our struggles especially if we look fine on the outside. Are you currently in treatment of some kind? Sometimes it takes a long time before things get Better but that doesn't mean that it won't happen necessarely. Please do reach out for support either to a professional or people IRL whom you truly Trust. You are a REALLY strong person in my opinion and i am not the only one to believe this probably. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @clydeblack, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

so sorry you're struggling

I hate when you feel that way and people tell you oh stay alive, you're better off alive, and when you ask them for why, or validation, they look at you and gho.... hmm...... well, dunno really, you just are. doesn't exactly fill me with confidence

and once that thought is in your head, it's hard to forget it. what distractions do you use?

That's my go to solution. Can you get a brake any other way? take a weekend trip just you?

I'm sorry things are so hard I have also found that it is difficult for others (''normal'' people) to understand, and they say the most unhelpful things sometimes.... and at times even if supposedly trying to be supportive It does not help with the intrusive and sub optimal thoughts, or with anything else either. I think you said you are currently in treatment (?) I was wondering if you could bring these thoughts up with your provider(s). Maybe write some of the thoughts down and transmit them that way (I have sometimes found that more helpful with some providers)

I understand if not (I have not always found providers irl to be completely trustworthy... but I live in a different forest to many on these forums where imho things are more primitive) Thanks for posting. I hope things improve for you (there is always hope even if things currently feel otherwise)

Update: hey guys thank you so much for the replies. Sorry I haven't responded. I didn't have the energy. The lack of sleep is making me sick and while I am awake I have to work, but I appreciate you taking the time to answer.

Good news: I am seeing a trauma therapist The specialty is somatic experiencing and it has given me some hope. Slow but steady. The lack of sleep is getting to me and I have paranoia with sleep medication (of course ha). Still I will give it a try and continue through.

Hope everyone is doing ok

Good that you finally visit a therapist!

Fingers crossed for you, clydeblack