Ordering pizza. Food is my only friend and one true lover. It might not be possible to diet and do a benzo taper at the same time. I had a meal at 3:00am today since i got up at 11:30pm yesterday and have been up ever since. So tired. Chaos.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Here are the four of the floral abstract images plus a joke one i snagged off The Net to make giant posters of. Aren't they pretty? Isn't dogs-playing-poker funny? Which one is your favorite?

Ta!

Jane.

I like the red ones , the second on the left.
very pretty!
bizi

[bizi]

I am sorry jane that you are struggling. I struggle too.
bizi

[Nammu]

My daughter sent flowers. A living rose plant. They’re still buds so it should last a long time as they open up and flower. 🌺 that was so sweet. She sent pictures too, of her three year olds art work and moms day card. It was so funny. She said her mom is 6 years olds and works hard on puters! She means computers of course. My daughter graduates next week!

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Nammu

My meal went over well yesterday. I thought the roast was a bit dry but the veggies were delicious. My sister brought home made rhubarb pie. Mmm. I had brought a half a store made apple pie. But we all ate the rhubarb. They took mum’s big things out of the basement that she wanted gone. The old humidifier, an bike, my dads old tools. That was her mum’s day gift. My gift is flowers for the flower box when it warms up a bit. Still having frost at night here.

Take care, hugs to all and happy Mother’s Day to all mothers of two legged babies or four legged babies

What a nice mothers day gift!begonias are nice! bizi

[~Christina]

Sorry I cant catch up.. Happy Mothers day to all Moms

My Daughter gave me the best gift possible .. She texted me her flight info .. Shes coming up June 12th for a week !!! I cant wait !!!!!

Hugs to everyone

[Nammu]

Oh, that is the best gift!!

[bizi]

I agree nammu!

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Sorry I cant catch up.. Happy Mothers day to all Moms

My Daughter gave me the best gift possible .. She texted me her flight info .. Shes coming up June 12th for a week !!! I cant wait !!!!!

Hugs to everyone

So happy for you!

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Here are the four of the floral abstract images plus a joke one i snagged off The Net to make giant posters of. Aren't they pretty? Isn't dogs-playing-poker funny? Which one is your favorite?

Ta!

Jane.

The fourth one is my favorite although the dogs playing cards is funny.

[Sunflower123]

A good day despite my daughter having food poisoning and not being here. Lasagna, garlic bread and carrot cake with my family. Can’t beat that. I’ve been so exhausted since I got back that I’ve been sleeping on and off. I’m joining the gym tomorrow because it’s not going down like that. Going on a short trip to graduation and coming back and dying for two days. Just not happening. I’ll be 54 tomorrow….not 84. Ridiculous. I may not have accounted for the emotional toll though. Sigh.

My daughter will visit next weekend to celebrate Mother’s Day and my belated birthday.

Hugs to all.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

A good day despite my daughter having food poisoning and not being here. Lasagna, garlic bread and carrot cake with my family. Can’t beat that. I’ve been so exhausted since I got back that I’ve been sleeping on and off. I’m joining the gym tomorrow because it’s not going down like that. Going on a short trip to graduation and coming back and dying for two days. Just not happening. I’ll be 54 tomorrow….not 84. Ridiculous. I may not have accounted for the emotional toll though. Sigh.

My daughter will visit next weekend to celebrate Mother’s Day and my belated birthday.

Hugs to all.

sorry that your daughter got food poisining does she know where from?
Happy early birthday Jenn.
good luck going to the gym!
so glad that your daughter will come and spend next weekend with you!!!!!
bizi

[*Beth*]

I took deep breaths and decided to let my husband's lateness go and made a conscious choice to have a good attitude. We took a 7 hour drive, mostly through the Napa Valley, which is famous for it's vineyards and wineries. Neither of us drink, but the region is - was - an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful land. Tragically, what we found were miles and miles, hours and hours, of mountains burned black by last year's wildfires. It was frankly heartbreaking. After driving through what looked like the apocalypse for several hours I began to feel anxious, then panicky. And depressed. Maybe I was remembering the constant smoke and falling ash of last summer...all summer...or maybe it was just seeing the devastation. I finally stopped trying to enjoy the ride and started doing breathing, affirmations, whatever would work to decrease my panic. I didn't say anything to my husband, but clearly we were both adversely affected by not seeing any wildlife, no living trees, nothing but burned everything.

So I can't say I exactly enjoyed sightseeing, but my husband and I enjoyed each others' company, which was really nice. And I came home to a sweet voice message and Facebook message from my son.

And now I am worn out. HUGS all around!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I took deep breaths and decided to let my husband's lateness go and made a conscious choice to have a good attitude. We took a 7 hour drive, mostly through the Napa Valley, which is famous for it's vineyards and wineries. Neither of us drink, but the region is - was - an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful land. Tragically, what we found were miles and miles, hours and hours, of mountains burned black by last year's wildfires. It was frankly heartbreaking. After driving through what looked like the apocalypse for several hours I began to feel anxious, then panicky. And depressed. Maybe I was remembering the constant smoke and falling ash of last summer...all summer...or maybe it was just seeing the devastation. I finally stopped trying to enjoy the ride and started doing breathing, affirmations, whatever would work to decrease my panic. I didn't say anything to my husband, but clearly we were both adversely affected by not seeing any wildlife, no living trees, nothing but burned everything.

So I can't say I exactly enjoyed sightseeing, but my husband and I enjoyed each others' company, which was really nice. And I came home to a sweet voice message and Facebook message from my son.

And now I am worn out. HUGS all around!

I'm glad you had that time with your husband. I can imagine how the burnt vineyards would be hard to see, though. I only remember them as fruitful, but on a more positive note, sometimes the burnt soil fire leaves behind can be particularly fertile. I remember when a flower box on my old deck burned from a fire, the begonia grew back rapidly and beautifully from the charred flower box. I also remember seeing Yellowstone National Park after a huge fire after having seen it before it.

That rapid regrowth after a fire is quite symbolic for people who were ill and go through recovery. Not that tragedy is ever welcome, though.

Attached photos in the following order:
1. Fire
2. Fire aftermath
3. Post fire new growth
4. Young and beautiful, albeit perhaps in a new form

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Sorry I cant catch up.. Happy Mothers day to all Moms

My Daughter gave me the best gift possible .. She texted me her flight info .. Shes coming up June 12th for a week !!! I cant wait !!!!!

Hugs to everyone

That's wonderful news! June is not that far away. I'm glad you have such a lovely thing to look forward to.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

A good day despite my daughter having food poisoning and not being here. Lasagna, garlic bread and carrot cake with my family. Can’t beat that. I’ve been so exhausted since I got back that I’ve been sleeping on and off. I’m joining the gym tomorrow because it’s not going down like that. Going on a short trip to graduation and coming back and dying for two days. Just not happening. I’ll be 54 tomorrow….not 84. Ridiculous. I may not have accounted for the emotional toll though. Sigh.

My daughter will visit next weekend to celebrate Mother’s Day and my belated birthday.

Hugs to all.

Sorry your daughter got sick, Jennifer, but hopefully next week will make up for it. Your dinner sounds yummy to me, too.

Happy upcoming birthday 🎂! I have a big one the very day after. May ladies!

[Soupe du jour]

Whatever2013, I hope that if you went for the pizza that you enjoyed it, but do NOT totally give up on your healthier eating plan. There's no good in that. I don't mind supporting you on your healthy eating plan here, or you can go to the Health Support forum for support, as well. I posted two threads there the day before yesterday and they got a couple responses of participation. I feel a little delinquent not yet responding to them, but I will. Sometimes we have to be happy doing our best, however much that is. Getting on a roll with things does eventually come. Then you start to run with it. Can't always run a marathon from the beginning. Gotta build up to that. Plus, you're right that your benzo withdrawal adds stress and challenges. My friend, you're kicking butt on that front!

@Soupe du jour and @bizi and everyone:

Thanks for the support. It means a lot to me. Soupe, i *did* enjoy my pizza. I ate the whole thing. It was just a small but 1800 cals, still 50% over a day's worth. I guess i'm so calorie-deprived my body just devoured it.

I slept for nine hours from 6:00pm to 3:00am so i am feeling a little more human today. I have a big day tomorrow so i will power-relax today, no TV, a hot bath, just quiet music with my eyes closed, a minimum of cola and taking my dog out to enjoy the outdoors.

I'lm glad it's going well for you at your new for you at your new forum. I think i've got to find a therapeutic resource for myself to deal with my binge-eating disorder (BED). Dieting is actually DISCOURAGED in therapy for BED. Instead, healing is sought for underlying issues. Finding a weight-neutral therapy-resource is essential.

There is phone, chat and text support from the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) in The States but i'm not sure if it's available to me being that i'm Canadian. It's a 1-800- number so there is a possibility. I will try it. Chat should be available to me but it's not as nice as talking to someone.

Soupe, thanks for the encouragement about my benzo taper. Did not expect it to get so hard so soon. Sure part of the problem is my elevated mood. I remembered my doctor's instructions to step back to the last dose i slept well on if i run into trouble so i'm back at 9mg.

This is going to be a loooooooooooooooong project. I might not be able to make much progress until Spring is over. I might put it on pause til the Summer when i'm sleeping well again. Disappointing, but i'm only human.

Anyways, thanks for your time and attention ladies.

[Soupe du jour]

My husband and I finally get our hair cut, and I'm also getting my gray hairs dyed. We look pretty shaggy. I think I notice my gray roots a lot more than others, though. I've already tested Hubby on what he should say to the hair stylist for me. He needs to translate since my hair-related Czech is basically nil. Anyone who's ever seen the movie "Lost in Translation" with Bill Murray will know how crucial thorough translations should be. Even so, I hope the stylist does a good job. My curly hair is not easy for many stylists.

Today is when we HOPE my husband's friend will go to my old psychiatrist. He goes at 6 pm Eastern US time (12 midnight our time - Central Europe), so we won't know what happened until tomorrow. My old psychiatrist is the dearest man I know, after my husband. I know he's even doing them (or rather me) a favor by offering a 6 pm appointment. He's getting older and has long since started ending his work days earlier than that.

Speaking of dear mental healthcare providers, yesterday one of my old therapists responded to a blog post I published. The post was the first since about five months ago. I know why she still follows my blog. Really, I should likely have never even shared my blog address with her. In any case, some doctors and therapists just disappear from our lives when we quit them, or otherwise. She (and my old psychiatrist) not so quickly. I mentioned that my old psychiatrist wants me to "check-in" by email on occasion. I've been thinking about that. Of course I don't wish to totally cut the cord to him, but at the same time what should I really write. If I express some distress, what should he do? If I keep saying "I'm doing OK", that seems...I can't think of good words...not boring. Not a waste of his time. I don't know.

@Soupe du jour and all:

Glad your sick friend is in contact with your old psychiatrist. Something tells me you had a hand in the arrangement? It's great that he was willing to see the friend at 6:00pm. It's pretty rare for psych appointments outside of business hours.

Yay, you're getting your hair done! Good for you. It will make you feel so much better. I feel great about my hair since my last cut. I went to a new hairdresser and was anxious but she did an outstanding job despite being in such back pain she had to stop to ease her back for a few moments twice.

I hope to see her regularly from now on, every month like the men do. My pageboy looks great with sharp edges. Can't wait for the COVID restrictions to be lifted so i can get in again. Really, she was so talented and efficient, no fuss no muss, really skilled which can only come from experience.

Just hope she doesn't retire due to COVID. Many people are taking the opportunity.

Ta!

Jane.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@Soupe du jour and all:

Glad your sick friend is in contact with your old psychiatrist. Something tells me you had a hand in the arrangement? It's great that he was willing to see the friend at 6:00pm. It's pretty rare for psych appointments outside of business hours.

Yay, you're getting your hair done! Good for you. It will make you feel so much better. I feel great about my hair since my last cut. I went to a new hairdresser and was anxious but she did an outstanding job despite being in such back pain she had to stop to ease her back for a few moments twice.

I hope to see her regularly from now on, every month like the men do. My pageboy looks great with sharp edges. Can't wait for the COVID restrictions to be lifted so i can get in again. Really, she was so talented and efficient, no fuss no muss, really skilled which can only come from experience.

Just hope she doesn't retire due to COVID. Many people are taking the opportunity.

Ta!

Jane.

Hi whatever2013. Yes, I asked my old pdoc for the favor to see them. Usually his waiting list is 1 to 2 months, but he gave them today's appointment only five days ago, after I asked if he could help. First I asked. When he said yes, I gave our friend's wife his number to call him and mention my name. She said he was extraordinarily kind, which I already expected he would be.

I like pageboy cuts and whenever I see your screen image I think of how cool you must look. I used to have the same cut, but it would only look sleek when it was flat ironed. At one point both my stylist and I gave up on flat ironing it. It's just too curly now, so I embrace them and don't fight them. It wasn't so curly in my youth, but was still wavy back then. I have to have layers now to control the curls. I hope the new stylist knows what she's (or he's) doing. If cut wrong, my hair can look pretty wild.

[Soupe du jour]

Well, I got back from my first haircut and coloring in Czech Republic. The young woman had ZERO idea what to do with my curly hair. At the end, I left with it twice as frizzy as it was when I entered the joint. As soon as I got into my car, I put it into a bun. The color is also darker than when I went in. Hubby told her I wanted it light golden brown and lightened. It's common that when I say I want it lighter that it is usually no lighter, but not usually darker. I don't get it. Plenty of dark brunettes can go blond. Can't they help me go two shades lighter brown? And now my hair looks redder than ever. Red is fine when you want it, but not when you don't. I will go elsewhere in the future, with my fingers crossed. If they seem not to know what to do with curly hair, I'll tell them to leave it wet at the end.

Happy Birthday, Jennifer!!

Got the best Mother's Day gift. Word from my son that he is coming up on 4 months sober and no cigs!! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me and how proud I am of him!!

I suspected becoming a "Morning Person" would be good for my diet and i am right! I've been up since 3:00am (got NINE good hours of zzzs in!!! . At 10:00am i felt binge-y and went to order another pizza BUT THEY WEREN'T OPEN YET!!! So i avoided that fiasco! Instead i had a moderate meal of mini-samosas that i had in the freezer and feel all the better for it! And i spent zero dollars and zero cents!

I've emailed in to my doctor asking to be assessed for Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I surely don't know if i have it or if it's just the APs. When i was in Vancouver for six months and off meds i lost the weight and got nice and thin but then i was also too poor to afford food and too depressed to eat.

Once i got my advance on my private disability benefits i started eating regularly at a diner, grilled cheese and fries, chocolate milkshake, diet cola and coconut cream pie. And i was still not on meds. So that would indicate that it's NOT just the meds.

Further investigation is needed with a helpful professional. Oddly enough, dieting is DISCOURAGED for BED by the best practitioners. Instead a practitioner helps the client heal from the underlying emotional pain that is the cause of the BED. Fatness is the symptom, not the cause.

Meanwhile, i will carry on with my dieting efforts as i am feeling better about myself as i shrink and my clothes fit better and i can wear sizes i couldn't tug on before. I'm sure eager to see practitioner and address some of the intense emotional pain i suffer tho. The only thing is, it has to be someone covered by our public health plan as i don't have a private one and that might be a BIG obstacle.

I'll leave it in the hands of my doctor.

@Soupe du jour:

I like pageboys too and it is the best cut for me with my fine, straight hair. It's the most flattering and the style i wore during the years i was most attractive, my twenties. It has to be cut regularly tho.

Sometimes i attempt the bangs on my own if they're bothering me and i can't get in to the hairdresser, but it's never perfection like when they do it. Learned me a lesson or two cutting them far too short!

I say go with wash-and-wear hair. I couldn't bear ironing my hair daily. Besides i love sweet, curly hair! I know what you mean about needing a skilled hairdresser for curly hair tho. Curly hair that's not cut properly can look wild. I hope the one you get is a magician!