[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Well, i backslid. I couldn't tolerate the fear anymore. Fear that humanity is ending and fear that i am ending as i struggle out of the chemical-straight-jacket i've been in for 26 years. I can tolerate the insomnia, hysteria, sadness, anxiety, depression, but not fear. It's intolerable. I think getting off benzos 100% may not be possible. My mom used a small amount of Valium. I felt okay at 2mg but not at 1mg. I just couldn't take the fear anymore and took a 10mg Valium pill. I've tried to withdraw from benzos once before and stalled at 2mg Valium. I just may be on a 2mg maintenance dose for life. That's okay. I can still have feelings: pleasure, compassion, love, excitement, passion. I realize it's not ideal, but fear is intolerable. Two milligrams of Valium it is.

A wonderful new female friend i made this year just emailed me that i am a poet! I'd sent her a particularly creative email. She obviously liked it! She's really healthy and stable and supportive and fun and an even better friend than Louise, my best friend of nine years who is French and that's an obstacle. The new friend's name is Pat. I sure picked me a winner when i gave her an exquisite birthday gift a few years ago. I did it casually as i did not know her well at that point, not expecting anything in return and here she is turning out to be one of the best friends i've ever had! I feel so much better for having her love. And i know Louise loves me too. So that's two people. It's made all the difference!!! Louise went first tho, so she'll always have a special place in my heart.

Only love kills the demon!!!

Benzos are more addictive than opiates are, and more dangerous to come off of. I do believe that there are pdocs who know that some people will be on them for life. My fear with Klonopin is that at some point when I'm too old to advocate for myself some doctor will suddenly stop the medication and I'll plummet. But then, if I live to be that old I guess I'll concern myself with it then.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was using a bottle. Then she had me switch to a regular water bottle that you suck on. Like instead of one with a straw. A sports one. Mine is a Gatorade brand. I’ve mostly been using that now but I used the other one a couple days ago. She suggested silicone straws too. I was using a pacifier and that’s what she is having issues with now. She said “we need to work on it.” And she seems all super concerned about it and is asking strange questions like does it stay in my mouth the whole night. I only use it when I crave it which is about once a week or every other week. So it’s not a constant thing. She did suggest this chew thing I bought that’s meant for people with autism or for people with other sensory issues.

She doesn’t care about my headphones or my weighted vest. She did say to not use so many weighted blankets at night. To only use my 12 pound one. Mainly though It’s just the oral things she doesn’t like.

I don't get it...what's wrong with sucking on a sports bottle?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

@wildflowerchild25, Are you OK in terms of the horrible flooding in our home state? My husband and I were looking and the whole area we used to live in is under water. Definitely a state of emergency. Wishing you and your family well.

@Innerzone, I hope you recover from that bad fall, quickly. That sounds like a scary one!

@~Christina, perhaps the Rexulti will help end your disturbing hallucinations. If most are musical, if the new AP doesn't work, I wonder if an anticonvulsant moodstabilizer would, for you? As I wrote before, one did for me.

A portion of the area where I used to live in NJ was under water because of Ida. If we still lived there, we would have been stuck at home. Maybe still. They say 25 people have died in that area from the flooding. I just emailed my sister to ask how she and my brother are doing. Both areas have many waterways (rivers, streams, canal).

Hubby and I have been spending so much money on groceries, lately. Today we submitted another HUGE order. The biggest portion is for mineral water and alcoholic beverages. Hubby is not a problem drinker, but he drinks it regularly. Perhaps the overall price is still less than in NJ, but it doesn't seem so since alcohol here in CZ can be purchased at grocery stores. In NJ, though some grocers are beginning to sell it, it's more the exception than the rule. NJ mostly has liquor stores, so grocery expenditures are usually split from liquor.

Next Thursday I'm going for a hair color consultation at a different salon than before. The first stylist didn't know what she was doing with my curly hair. Thursday is just a consultation, at which time I'll also schedule a hair cut and the coloring itself. I want to lighten my hair a little and get rid of the auburn hue. I am not naturally auburn. My hair was light golden brown most of my life. It did darken over time, though. Now, my roots are medium brown with gray mixed in. If the new place also has no hair diffuser, I'll just ask them to leave it wet, so I can let it air dry or diffuse it at home. The last time I left looking like a "before" picture for anti-frizz hair products. The last stylist seemed to cut it like a 10 year old cuts a Barbie's hair.

WHAT is wrong with most stylists?! My hair is naturally curly, too. They always cut it to be straightened, then they blow dry it to death, straight as a stick. I have a lot of hair. To blow dry all of it straight is really tiring for my arms and kills my shoulder. Are they not taught in school how to cut curly hair? What's the deal?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

My next one is an LGBTQ ally. Also she deal with people with autism and also specializes in eating disorders. Which my current therapist says I really need.

So I’m hoping she’s helpful. Plus she’s a younger therapist and isn’t older unlike the last T I saw who was in her 60’s. I really need a younger therapist. I work better with them.

That is excellent !!!

[*Beth*]

I have a situation with my neighbor, who has OCD. I first noticed it when he'd park his car and spend 15 minutes (minimum) checking all his doors, how far the car was from the edges of the front/back curbs, opening and closing the car doors to check stuff inside, and so on. He walks with his hands held up because he's afraid they'll touch something. Now I'm living next door to him (I moved a month ago). He's taken to knocking on the wall all afternoon. Repetitive, ceaseless knocking. I assume his wife is not at home, that if she was, she'd stop him. His damned knocking is driving me crazy. I finally knocked back - more like slammed my hand several times against the wall - and he's stopped - for now. I'm prepared to stick a note on his door or do whatever needs to be done. But I really hate having to deal with this shite. Big pharma needs to step into that game.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Benzos are more addictive than opiates are, and more dangerous to come off of. I do believe that there are pdocs who know that some people will be on them for life. My fear with Klonopin is that at some point when I'm too old to advocate for myself some doctor will suddenly stop the medication and I'll plummet. But then, if I live to be that old I guess I'll concern myself with it then.

This concerns me too. I’m worried if I try to stop my Valium even with a doctors help I’ll still need to be in a residential treatment center or rehab until I can get over the withdrawals. It’s the main reason why I’ve stuck with my Pdoc who is out of state and I can only do telehealth with. He understands my meds and how much I need them and how scared I am to gain weight.

I took like 7 or 10 out of the 40 of my opiates after my first surgery. A bit more on my second surgery. But then I got off them just fine. But muscle relaxers now those work good at just about everything. Pain, sleep, and anxiety. But my doctor wouldn’t refill them. But I had no problem getting off those either.

I do have some anti vertigo meds I sometimes use to help me relax and sleep. I’ve had vertigo all afternoon so it wouldn’t even be a lie if I took one now. Even if I wanted it more for sleep.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

This concerns me too. I’m worried if I try to stop my Valium even with a doctors help I’ll still need to be in a residential treatment center or rehab until I can get over the withdrawals. It’s the main reason why I’ve stuck with my Pdoc who is out of state and I can only do telehealth with. He understands my meds and how much I need them and how scared I am to gain weight.

I took like 7 or 10 out of the 40 of my opiates after my first surgery. A bit more on my second surgery. But then I got off them just fine. But muscle relaxers now those work good at just about everything. Pain, sleep, and anxiety. But my doctor wouldn’t refill them. But I had no problem getting off those either.

I do have some anti vertigo meds I sometimes use to help me relax and sleep. I’ve had vertigo all afternoon so it wouldn’t even be a lie if I took one now. Even if I wanted it more for sleep.

Muscle relaxers are fantastic! But doctors seldom want to write a script for them.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

WHAT is wrong with most stylists?! My hair is naturally curly, too. They always cut it to be straightened, then they blow dry it to death, straight as a stick. I have a lot of hair. To blow dry all of it straight is really tiring for my arms and kills my shoulder. Are they not taught in school how to cut curly hair? What's the deal?

All stylists I've had like to dry my curly hair stick straight so that it clings to my face!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Benzos are more addictive than opiates are, and more dangerous to come off of. I do believe that there are pdocs who know that some people will be on them for life. My fear with Klonopin is that at some point when I'm too old to advocate for myself some doctor will suddenly stop the medication and I'll plummet. But then, if I live to be that old I guess I'll concern myself with it then.

I was given a bottle with about 60 Ativan for akathesia. I found it extremely hard to get off of. So I did something stupid: I dumped the whole bottle into the toilet at Starbucks! Shortly after that, I begin to have restless legs and arms. Kept having to move and this went on all night. I could not get comfortable- my legs and arms shook uncontrollably and I could not sleep at all. I also had the shaking during the day. I called my pdoc but didn't tell her how much of the Ativan I'd been taking nor how I'd gone cold turkey off! I was miserable! No nausea or vomiting or sweating- just the shaking. I won't take Ativan again.

[Brentus]

I’m really kind of beside myself. I just wanted to give a little update and just touch on a personal aspect of my life. The meds are working, I think. However, about 3-4 hours after taking it – I do get tired and sleepy, but don’t easily fall asleep, and not for very long… and then when I wake up, a few minutes later I feel good. But during that time in between, it can be a little patchy on how I feel. Today really proved that.
My ex’s new husband reached out to me to let me know my ex and he have split up. It’s a long-convoluted story why I am even in touch with the guy, but to be clear – I have NOT tried to be in their lives at all since my separation and divorce. I only found out by chance that my ex remarried, and was engaged a day after my divorce was final. I never even tried to see my ex’s Facebook. I’ve just not wanted to go through that pain. I never wanted to know about my ex again, but then it inadvertently happened, on Easter no less. Anyway, long story short – my ex’s husband has reached out a few times, the first time to gloat about their “fairytale” life, then to tell me of suspicious behaviors and cheating online, and now this. To be fair, the interaction really should have been weirder than what it was, but I refused to bash my ex, and after that initial contact, he didn’t ever throw it in my face again, only asking questions about behaviors and things of my ex.

So, he told me today, randomly, that no one can make my ex happy apparently and that they’re gone. I definitely read that as in, they are separated. I didn’t ask questions; I don’t really want to know. I just said that I’m sorry they are going through this, I know that pain, and I hope that if there is a chance for reconciliation, they can find it together. I left it at that. However I’m left with a whirlwind of feelings that I can’t seem to shake. Negative feelings, sad feelings etc. I really hurt with my divorce and I was blamed completely for everything, and my illness. While I know logically that’s not even a plausible reality, I took it to heart… this does make me turn around and say “Maybe it wasn’t all just me..”. Anyway, after suffering with those emotions without being able to shake them, on top of that moment of time between my meds kicking in and take a nap, it was rough. I am feeling better now though. That’s really the relief there.

For the record, and I won’t spill into this too much, because I’m a private person and this isn’t the place to do it – I am very much hung up on my ex but maybe not in the way you think. I am not hung up on who they are now, or a want to be with them – but the memory of who I loved and who I thought married (and to be honest,that person may never have actually existed. My marriage was tumultuous...). I married expecting to live my life together with them. I accepted the divorce and wholeheartedly believe if we were together we would still be having issues – but I haven’t be able to replace those memories inside. That’s a large hurdle for me… it’s been 2 years I last saw them. Two years in December since the divorce was final. Maybe time will help me let go.

Anyway, that’s it. I didn’t mean to go on and on about my ex, but it was a big part of today. That, and that the tired/sedating feeling is not a comfortable one in general, and makes negative emotions, when strong that much worse.

[Victoria'smom]

Well I'm out of meds the 16th but I don't get home until the 20th. I'm already doing poorly. Hearing things, over whelmed, sh thoughts, fun times.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Well I'm out of meds the 16th but I don't get home until the 20th. I'm already doing poorly. Hearing things, over whelmed, sh thoughts, fun times.

Could your husband mail them to you?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hi Christina. It will be five days in the mountains in Slovakia, followed by two days in Krakow, Poland. I'm thinking that I'll need both a jacket and a warmer coat, for this trip. It's my 50th birthday present from my husband. My birthday was in May, but the pandemic was still bad here back then. Not so much now, in CZ, Slovakia, and Poland.

Oh what a lovely gift you can both enjoy and memories forever

[~Christina]

Today can just go get stuffed.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

WHAT is wrong with most stylists?! My hair is naturally curly, too. They always cut it to be straightened, then they blow dry it to death, straight as a stick. I have a lot of hair. To blow dry all of it straight is really tiring for my arms and kills my shoulder. Are they not taught in school how to cut curly hair? What's the deal?

In Czech Republic, I don't think they encounter many people with curly hair...and with as much as we have. At least in the US the population is diverse enough that they do. I used to pay a pretty penny for the stylist I saw in the US, but at least she knew what to do with my curly mop.

My old stylist used to occasionally dry my hair straight, but got to the point where it was too difficult to manage. My hair grew curlier in my middle age, for some reason. I want to embrace them. It is a shame that others see them as almost "problematic". When cut and styled right, such curls are lovely. Don't you think?

I really want my hair done before my trip. It's not looking that great right now.

[Soupe du jour]

@WindsThatBlow, I can understand how you might feel it strange or uncomfortable that your ex's spouse contacted you, but I also bet you're right that in some way it might turn out useful.

[Soupe du jour]

I found the hiking pants options I had on hand. Only one fits. That's better than none, but a second is mandatory. The one I have is North Face brand. I recall spending a pretty penny for them. I'll have to go to a sporting goods shop and try a new pair on. It's hard enough to get a perfect fit of pants even in a country you've lived in for decades. With the less familiar European sizes, it would be too risky to order them online. Other than that, I have everything I need for my trip.

Hubby found a dam to swim in. He's happy. Enjoying a nice day there, at the moment. One photo shows Hubby getting into the water with a little sailboat in the background. Too cold for my taste.

I have my first appointment with my new therapist tomorrow. It's not a holiday here tomorrow, like it is in the US.

[Victoria'smom]

Could your husband mail them to you? I'm told that's illegal and I'm already nervous. I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

Well, it looks like i'm stuck at 2mg of Valium for life. I tried to withdraw one other time and the same thing happened. I don't know what it is but when i try to go below 2mg of Valium i feel fear. Yesterday was the fourth day of fear and i couldn't take it anymore and took a 10mg Valium pill with alcohol. The fear went away nicely and today i don't feel it either. I just can't go back there. Fear is intolerable for me.

Feeling really indulgent with substances, thinking of buying a pack of cigarettes even. It's madness, i know. I hope i won't, my building has gone non-smoking, so i'd have to go outside and i live in Canada where the Winters are brutal and my mom died of COPD. So i hope i won't but maybe it could be a stop-gap measure until i even out a bit more. I've bought a pack before and just puffed on it, not inhaling, just comforted to hold a bit of fire in my fingertips and not gotten addicted. So maybe that's some minor harmless indulgence with substances i can enjoy today. It makes me nauseous if i "smoke" more than ten in a day tho so there are a lot of obstacles to becoming addicted, enough so i think it'll be harmless fun for this dicey moment in my life.

Pat and i have been joking back and forth about how i am in an online one-sided marriage with the actor Benicio de Toro of the "Sicario" movie and sequel (trés fantastique!!!). I'm married to him online but he's not married to me. Our sexting is all one-sided and so is our naughtiness on ZOOM. He doesn't know about our marriage and we've never met and never will and i just email him everyday about my day and how much i love him. I never have to pick up his dirty socks or have sex with him when i don't want.

It's Pat's birthday today so i wished her Happy Birthday from Benicio and i on Facebook and made her a card which turned out child-like and vaguely sh_!!y but compelling nonetheless, with fun kinked yarn of varying color and my stiff sketching paper stock and rainbow wrapping paper and edges cut with pinking shears and crayons and marker and a stick-person drawing in ink of a private joke we have from when we sat in the sun on the lawn in the Summer.

I hope she will like it, but if she's embarrassed at the amateurishness of it, whatever. *I* like it and think it's cool and ironic and charming. I did it in "one-take" like the director's say about their films and musicians say about their songs, to capture the spontaneity and passion and urgency of it. I'll probably get "gifter's remorse," but Pat is really warm and compassionate, i don't think she will be insulting about it even if she truly thinks it's vaguely sh_!!y.

Really enjoying "INSIDE," the new one-hour comedy special from Bo Burnham on Netflix. It's about his experience in isolation during lockdown and is very funny but also poignant and a bit disturbing even as he deteriorates over the year of filming. There's lots of stuff about mental illness and even

Possible trigger:

suicide

in it so don't watch it if you're teetering on the edge but if you feel stable you'll probably laugh and enjoy it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg, i wrote too much again. Will stop.

@Soupe du jour:

Your pictures are lovely! So happy your move to CZ has been a relative success (even tho you don't think you'll stay there permanently) and are enjoying life being a stranger in a strange land.

[scatterbrained04]

Feeling crappy today. I know I'm having mild depressive symptoms for awhile. Felt real bad this morning, spend 20 minutes sitting my bathroom floor crying. I think it's the weather. Weather changes affect me a lot.

Going over to my parents in a few hours for cookout. My son will spend the night. I was supposed to spend the evening with my boyfriend, but that'll likely get canceled. He woke up not feeling well.

The sun decided to come out and it's about 74. I might go for a walk. My mind is full. I should be doing chores.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing ok today. I took one of my anti vertigo meds last night. I mainly wanted it for sleep but I had a bit of vertigo too. Although I wasn’t lying to myself. I wanted it to help me sleep. It worked and I fell asleep around 6:30 and I woke up at 4:30 to try to use the bathroom but I couldn’t find my way there because I was drowsy. I think my brother was in there though. So I went back to bed and I woke up at my usual time but I needed a can of iced coffee, and a Mountain Dew and I had to watch some TV just so I felt stable enough to take a shower. Maybe the anti vertigo med with the melatonin and 160mil of Geodon wasn’t the best combination. But I feel ok today. Still kind of tired but I’m ok physically.

I am going to go out of state to my hometown on Tuesday. And come back on Wednesday. There’s a restaurant I want to go to that I discovered right before the lockdown and there’s some stores I want to go to that I shopped at a lot before. We will stay at the same hotel near the hospital my surgery was at. The one near my aunt. So We’ll have dinner with my aunt. I hope it’s at her house since I don’t feel like eating at a restaurant twice in one day. I feel ok with going out once to eat but going out twice in one day is taking it a bit too far. I’m just trying to be careful because of Covid. I know I’m vaccinated so I don’t have to be entirely out of control scared or overly cautious. But I still want to be pretty careful. So eating out once is what I’m comfortable with.

But I’m excited about going on a mini trip that will distract me from my ultrasound on the 9th and I’m looking forward to going to the few stores I went to often that I don’t have here.

Edit: she’s making grilled salmon for dinner. She asked if we’d rather eat out instead and we told her we wanted to eat at her house. I guess I feel a bit guilty having her cook a big dinner like that. But it’s just not very safe to eat out and I’m already doing it once during that day. I have a feeling she’s glad we don’t want to go out.

I have a friend who was hoping to see me. She doesn’t know I’m coming next week but I had mentioned making a trip soon. But I honestly don’t want to see her because she’s not vaccinated. Plus I am trying to make this trip as easy and fun and as least anxiety provoking as I can make it. And seeing someone who hasn’t seen me in a couple years and hasn’t seen the true me is too much right now.

I drank a mango Pepsi that expired on June 21st. I’ll drink expired soda but nothing else that has expired. Even if it’s technically still ok to eat. Like I think unopened dairy products you can eat safely for up to a month past their expiration date. I know all the “best by” and “use by” phrases all mean different things. I’m now drinking a Vanilla Pepsi that expired on the 16th of August. I think I got it a day or 2 past that date. But it’s not a big deal. Vanilla Pepsi is hard to find.

But man do I feel like ripping out my ovaries myself right now. My lower stomach hurts sooo badly. My Tylenol wears off like clockwork.

So i bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked two. My neighbor was in the store when i bought them and said he was worried about me and offered to buy me a chocolate bar if i would not buy the cigarettes. Then the convenience store owner chimed in, "Because we love you!" It was all very moving and i am grateful but i bought the cigarettes anyways.

I seem to be craving substances more and more since i started withdrawing from benzos. It started innocently enough with caffeine. Then alcohol. Now nicotine.

It's not ideal but i feel it is just a "moment" for the nicotine. I've smoked very briefly, like just for a few days here and there over the years as an adult (55). I smoked for eight months when i was 18 and quit effortlessly. I just get overstimulated and have a few cigarettes, maybe five or ten and then it goes away for a dozen years. It happened in London, England in 1987 and in Kingston, Ontario in 1998 and here in my own city in 2009. It's just a brief maladaptive coping mechanism when i've exhausted all my other methods and life is still going too fast.

This will pass.

I just have to adjust to a lifelong benzo addiction at 2mg Valium and i'll be fine, stop drinking, smoking and be back to my regular self except WITH feelings and not sleeping 14 hours a day. Benzos were ruining my life too. Being in a chemical straight-jacket is no solution.

I just need to indulge for a moment and i will be okay.

Pat got back to me about my silly birthday card and said i was "very thoughtful and a true poet." So that was nice. If she thought it was vaguely sh_!!y it didn't bother her. She's a mom of three so hopefully she thought the child-like quality of it was charming and not amateurish and embarrassing and shameful. I don't think she would lie. She would have just said "Thanks," if she thought it was lousy. She wouldn't go out of her way to say it was "thoughtful" and that i am a "true poet" if she didn't think those things.

I love her!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

In Czech Republic, I don't think they encounter many people with curly hair...and with as much as we have. At least in the US the population is diverse enough that they do. I used to pay a pretty penny for the stylist I saw in the US, but at least she knew what to do with my curly mop.

My old stylist used to occasionally dry my hair straight, but got to the point where it was too difficult to manage. My hair grew curlier in my middle age, for some reason. I want to embrace them. It is a shame that others see them as almost "problematic". When cut and styled right, such curls are lovely. Don't you think?

I really want my hair done before my trip. It's not looking that great right now.

Yes, I do think so. I used to see a lady in the grocery near me; she had a really good cut for curly hair. If I ever see her again I 'm going to ask who her stylist is. For some time I was paying a high price for my stylist, but she never knew how to style my hair, either. It's beyond frustrating.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I found the hiking pants options I had on hand. Only one fits. That's better than none, but a second is mandatory. The one I have is North Face brand. I recall spending a pretty penny for them. I'll have to go to a sporting goods shop and try a new pair on. It's hard enough to get a perfect fit of pants even in a country you've lived in for decades. With the less familiar European sizes, it would be too risky to order them online. Other than that, I have everything I need for my trip.

Hubby found a dam to swim in. He's happy. Enjoying a nice day there, at the moment. One photo shows Hubby getting into the water with a little sailboat in the background. Too cold for my taste.

I have my first appointment with my new therapist tomorrow. It's not a holiday here tomorrow, like it is in the US.

Clothing sizes are ridiculous. At least in women's sizes.. 3 different sizes can all fit the same. In mens sizes a 32 is pretty much the same throughout all brands. But when I was wearing women’s pants I had pairs in 2 different sizes that fit exactly the same. Both were Levi’s bootcuts.

North Face is a good brand. I have a number of North Face hoodies.

I hope your therapy appointment goes well.

[Mountaindewed]

My hair is curly and wavy long. It’s stick straight short. No clue why that happens but it sure is convenient. My hairstylist was surprised it was so straight when she cut it. My hair used to be a medium lightish brown. Now it’s basically black thanks to hormones.