[*Beth*]

I had my 2nd appointment with the new pdoc, the one I complained about to the clinic supervisor. I busted my butt to be appropriately honest and genuine, because at least for now I need things to work with the woman. She gaslights - wow! Seemed to have a desire to get into an argument with me to PROVE she was right during our first appointment. Nah, not going there. I chose my words carefully and smiled a lot. She raised my Wellbutrin dose...hoping it'll relieve some of this damned depression without increasing anxiety.

[Victoria'smom]

I'll be home in just under a week. Everyone in my family is struggling. My son the most. He just started school and is behind. I want him to do php, h wants him to do IOP and school. I feel that's to much. However it's up to Miguel's team. I'll know right before I got home. Hallucinations are still there. I'm trying caffeine to get rid of it.

[Sunflower123]

I have taken excellent care of my brother. Right into a state of fatigue, depression and burn out. I’ll have to rest and recuperate my way out of it. I don’t know what the answer is as mom is tying my hands right now. It helps tremendously getting it off my chest here.

Both therapists believe he belongs in a home and one suggested I just move out. She surmised I have too much goodness for that. She’s right. They’d be totally helpless without me.

I’ve been able to go down to the pool for the past two days with special permission. It’s been relaxing but my mind is muddled with the burnout so not as much.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I have taken excellent care of my brother. Right into a state of fatigue, depression and burn out. I’ll have to rest and recuperate my way out of it. I don’t know what the answer is as mom is tying my hands right now. It helps tremendously getting it off my chest here.

Both therapists believe he belongs in a home and one suggested I just move out. She surmised I have too much goodness for that. She’s right. They’d be totally helpless without me.

I’ve been able to go down to the pool for the past two days with special permission. It’s been relaxing but my mind is muddled with the burnout so not as much.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

Both your mum and your brother need a dose of reality. I wish there was an opening in a good home tomorrow that could take him.

My doctor's office called to set up a phone appointment at 11:00am tomorrow morning. He'll probably kick my @$$ for the extra meds but i will be patient and just let him have his say. I am re-instating at 1mg Clonazepam and will just have to persuade him that i need it in order to stay out of jail.

Did i mention i shaved my head earlier today? I think it looks nice. Our Green Party leader is a bald woman and i like her. I kept it wrapped in a pretty kelly green scarf when i went to the mall. I thought that looked nice too. I've kept a toque on here at home since my head is cold without all my hair.

I just shaved it with a razor so i couldn't get it perfect, especially the back which i could barely reach so i bought a clipper set at the mall for $15. It has about 20 attachments which i don't need but all the other sets were MORE expensive, up to $100, really a wild range in price.

Anyways it's nice to have a change, i was getting bored of my blue hair and finding the maintenance tiresome. It's cold here already so it's not a problem to keep my head covered. I have a rather awesome toque i knit myself, so there's a lot of meaning in it when i wear it, i had to count every stitch, it was such a clever and intricate design. Never again tho, a once-in-a-lifetime knit. Other people have asked me to make them one but i won't even consider it.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

@~Christina, I love seeing pictures of Gus. His youthful fun look brings a smile to my face. I miss having a loving pet. My husband and I want to wait until we eventually move to what will be our own home to adopt one. We really have no proper place to put a big parrot cage in our current home. I'm also a big fan of cats, but Hubby doesn't like them. I like all animals, including dogs, but Hubby wouldn't want a dog and neither of us has any real experience with them.

I'm glad your pain is easing a bit. I hope it eases more as autumn arrives. Perhaps a mood shift could ease the rest. I'm sorry you're not happy with your new NP. It's always hard finding any medication prescriber or therapist. At least you have Richard right now. I know some people have and love their NPs, but I have always felt reluctant to have anything less than a psychiatrist. Perhaps I'm unfair, though.

My Czech hubby is a native level English speaker. The only English he's not 100% on are slang and idiomatic phrases, which he also know a lot of. Like you, he sometimes has a little trouble with certain English accents outside of NJ Tri-State area. Not just British, Australian, and the like, but even some southern US. I sometimes have to translate a little. Actually, he says he occasionally doesn't catch what some Moravian Czechs say, since they occasionally use different words (and have a different accent) than Bohemian Czechs. Hubby is from Prague, originally. If I ever do learn Czech, and still live in Moravia, that will be funny me sounding like a Moravian. Hubby left Czechoslovakia over 35 years ago, to live in the US. Nowadays he's not so familiar with the newest Czech terms and language tendencies. He's had to ask his nephews a few things.

Gus says thanks lol.. He really is a goofy fun loving guy.. He does favor me over Steve , but if Steve is eating anything Gus will worship the ground he walks on. lol Sirius and Dexter join right in with him.. Yes having the dogs complicate the trips to Florida but in general we are only down there at most 20 days a year.. ALL the other days they offer more love and fun that the damn kids .. I should LOL here .. but ... hmmmmm I often have doubts, Sad to say

The NP I actually like , She was fine with my staying on Xanax.. its the idiot Nurse who has been the problem, its a long mess but I talked with her yesterday and walked her into corners she admitted she never told the NP the medication was denied.. yeah I have saved entire conversation to talk to Richard about.

I always find language interesting because everyone hears things differently.. When I first moved to my area.. Oooooh we are talking down home country folk.. Church all day Sundays and Wednesday night, Everything is deep fried in lard and everybody has a pot of beans cooking all year long and the sweet tea? Literally the spoon will stand up straight because its loaded with Sugar... I mean no disrespect but I just had to get use to the way they talk here... Lots of sayings that I honestly don't understand to this day LOL

Ooooooooooo I just read your kitchen disaster post.. I just cant even imagine

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

@~Christina Gus is so darn cute! His feet look like a ballet dancer's.

Hahahahha I seriously never thought of that ! Thank you for pointing it out

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

A bit testy today. I’m harboring some anger towards my pharmacy today for their past attitude and their lack of help at all with my issue getting my medicine. I was short with them on the phone today, and I think the lady realized that, but didn’t know why. I called to have my prescription transferred back over to my pharmacy. I won’t reiterate the whole thing – but basically, they didn’t have it in stock and I used a pharmacy in another town. Getting transferred back has been a real pain in the butt and trying to ensure I don’t, or with minimum days, go without medicine. Assuming they do what, they’re supposed to. I think I have circumvented the problem. Once they transfer it over, they won’t have it in stock (I’m sure), but it’s not a weekend, and it’s not urgent regardless. Therefore, at least it’s in the hands of someone who can take care of it, and they can get it ordered and in before I run out of meds. I am just hoping there aren’t any hiccups with this, because I WILL have a hard time staying calm. My pharmacy has already shown its butt in this scenario—because they don’t care. Their policies are a bit odd on stuff too. I really do try not to attack people on a personal level, but both pharmacists I’ve seen at my pharmacy have attitudes and personalities that make it very hard to believe they even went to pharmacy school. One literally sat and gossiped about other customers TO OTHER CUSTOMERS, wearing her side pony tail like it’s 1985 and she’s gonna go to the mall later with friends… and one, while trying to consult me on my medicine (which I didn’t ask for), read the label to me. Added nothing. LOL. I really hate being read to. I did go to public school, but I learned to read. Well enough and with enough fluency that I even went to college. Please don't waste my time reading to me. That was one of the first things I taught my students when they give presentations. KNOW your material. Do NOT read your powerpoint to them. They can read for themselves.


If I could, I would have stayed at the other pharmacy because they at least seemed compassionate and helped me figure out the solution to my issue, but I don’t wanna travel that far to get my meds.

Anyway, I’m not in a bad place mentally. These meds help, which is why I’m so up in arms about making sure there’s no issue going forward. I’m a worrier. I’m working on it. Lol

Thanks for reading.

Oh what a mess for you to try and get lined up Glad you hung in there and got it sorted I really hope they aren't out of stock. I have no idea why things wind up being so complicated I worry about the elderly and their ability to get the medications they need and on time, many wouldn't know how to press anyone to get things right.

Heres hoping you have zero hiccups

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I had my 2nd appointment with the new pdoc, the one I complained about to the clinic supervisor. I busted my butt to be appropriately honest and genuine, because at least for now I need things to work with the woman. She gaslights - wow! Seemed to have a desire to get into an argument with me to PROVE she was right during our first appointment. Nah, not going there. I chose my words carefully and smiled a lot. She raised my Wellbutrin dose...hoping it'll relieve some of this damned depression without increasing anxiety.

Oh why in the hell some people get into the medical field and especially psych and they don't have the heart for it I'll never ever understand.

I am hoping you get a replacement ASAP ! Shes garbage

Glad you going to give the zoom a try.. So many young people are all happy that things can be done online like never before but for many of us its horrible

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I have taken excellent care of my brother. Right into a state of fatigue, depression and burn out. I’ll have to rest and recuperate my way out of it. I don’t know what the answer is as mom is tying my hands right now. It helps tremendously getting it off my chest here.

Both therapists believe he belongs in a home and one suggested I just move out. She surmised I have too much goodness for that. She’s right. They’d be totally helpless without me.

I’ve been able to go down to the pool for the past two days with special permission. It’s been relaxing but my mind is muddled with the burnout so not as much.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

I worry that all this is going to smother you I'm glad you have had some more Pool days.. Honestly they should be open longer. Its so hot again. I just wilt taking the dogs to the pasture

Remember Oxygen mask goes on first so then you have the ability to help others. Airline safety 101. Its easy to forget that in the middle of rough times.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Got the toothpaste today. It was $34. Will last 3 months a refill. I hope I don't have any reactions to it- apparently, you can have allergic reactions to it! I hope I'm not in that category. I'm glad that I refilled it at Walgreens because they are more likely to have it.

Talked with Caleb today. He's feeling a lot better since he discovered that he likes using a heating pad on his sore back.

What kind of toothpaste is this? some kind of super duper magical stuff? I mean if it lasts 3 months ... But Eh that is still to rich for my moth eaten wallet.. I complain that I have to buy Sensoydine since the enamel is so thin in many areas. and that like 6 bucks for at least 6 weeks.

Will that toothpaste make you Dinner

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

What kind of toothpaste is this? some kind of super duper magical stuff? I mean if it lasts 3 months ... But Eh that is still to rich for my moth eaten wallet.. I complain that I have to buy Sensoydine since the enamel is so thin in many areas. and that like 6 bucks for at least 6 weeks.

Will that toothpaste make you Dinner

Nah. It's not gonna make me dinner but it does have 100 doses per tube so that's about three months so $10/month. So not really that bad.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Ugh. I was fine and dandy alllll day!

Come home tonight and belly starts hurting. I’ve been up all night getting sick. I can’t even keep water down.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Also…has anyone ever gotten sick so much they were hoarse? I have literally lost my voice

[Mountaindewed]

I’m not having the best day. But this one is unusually bad. Basically my therapist abandoned me. She doesn’t have any openings until the 6th. I told her I really needed to see her the week of the surgery. She replied this morning and said she doesn’t have anything but I’m a priority for a cancellation. What bugs me is that she didn’t say “good luck during your surgery” or “I hope it goes well. I’ll be thinking of you.” She didn’t mention anything like that and it just makes me feel like she really doesn’t care. I got my flu shot today. The flu shot makes me really sick for a couple days. But it takes 2 weeks to work and I already feel like crap mentally and I also don’t have any plans for the next 2 days so I just felt like today was the time to get it. The pharmacy was crabby and slow but not at my mom and I. The pharmacist giving the shot to me was confused by me with all that legal name and gender stuff vs how I physically look. But there wasn’t an issue. Right now I’m just tired but I’ve been tired. Then my gynecologists office called and insurance submitted the wrong date so it got denied so now they have to submit it again. I’m freaking out but my mom and the lady at the office didn’t seem concerned. So I don’t know how long this will take to get straightened out but I just can’t deal with much more right now. Especially with not getting any support from my therapist. I told my mom before we moved I was concerned about the mental health support here. That was the only reason I didn’t want to move. And the mental health stuff is actually ******. I want to do something about my therapist but I don’t know what to do. I want to complain to someone but I’m not sure that will get me anywhere. I want to really ***** at her through email which I may very well do. Even if it’s not the best idea. But this is just a really ****** thing of her to do at this time for me. There is no denying she’s a closet phobe transphobic person. But I don’t get why she can’t just try to hide how she feels until I get into see the new therapist .

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Also…has anyone ever gotten sick so much they were hoarse? I have literally lost my voice

@HALLIEBETH87, Absolutely! Actually, my whole life I was prone to having bouts of laryngitis. Even on my wedding day, at the wedding, I just barely got out "I do!" In my case, those around me probably were grateful, as I used to be quite gabby and loud.

Salt water gargles are always helpful. As are plenty of liquids and maybe even a bit of Vicks Vaporub. Hope you feel better soon!

[Soupe du jour]

@Jennifer 1967, I'm glad you've still had the pool to float in for stress relief. Do you have any ideas for things you can do when the temps get cooler?

As others have written, there will come a time when you have to draw a line in the sand and say "No!" to your mom and brother. I know you love them very very much, but you have to love yourself, too. And your mom and brother also have to love you a lot. I'm sure they do, but they have to show it a bit more at some soon point. I am assuming that your mom is just a bit beside herself with anxiety over your brother. She will eventually need a reality check on what is the right path forward. It's hard for an adult child to have to act in such a way towards a parent, but there comes a time when the parent needs the adult child's direction. I know my siblings and I had to do that for our father. A sad sad reality as life goes on.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm a little frustrated because the treadmill here on the 3rd floor isn't working. Sometimes it does that. So I'll have to wait for it to get fixed until I can exercise on it. I would walk outside but it's like 80 degrees which is too hot for me.

I have some laundry in the washer right now. Took out the trash. I have an appointment with my primary care doctor tomorrow to ask about getting back on meds for GERD and back on the birth control patches to help with my PMS which is very bad and regulate my period.

Have a book coming in the mail today, excited about that.

Hope everyone is doing alright

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I are tired after a busy day. After breakfast, we drove to a forest known for having lots of wild mushrooms. Indeed, where we went there were many. Hubby has a pretty good idea which ones are OK and which are not to be eaten, but we will still double check using a mushroom picking book I bought him. As mushroom picking is VERY popular in central Europe, the hospitals are used to having poisoned people show up, this time of year. I hope that won't be Hubby or me!

We then ran some errands after the above. The equivalent of a Home Depot and a hypermarket grocery store. I was going to make beef goulash today, but it's already almost 7 pm and I don't have it in me. We bought ready made meals knowing that. I'm now kicking back on the sofa.

For some reason the bottom of my left foot (mostly the heel) has been hurting off and on. Especially after lying down for a while. It's a real mystery. And of course since I've been complaining about it, Hubby suddenly has something similar. Perhaps, but then again he is the type that can't be "left out" when there is a physical gripe.

[Mountaindewed]

I was kinda *****y in a sort of aggressive yet kind of assertive way to my therapist through email. I just said “so I’m not going to get any support before my surgery and I’m on my own? Jeeze talk about client abandonment.” I don’t know. Maybe that was just being aggressive. But she responded almost immediately and she said she usually gets 2-3 cancellations a week that she is aware of at the start of the week. So she most likely will have a cancellation. She said if she doesn’t get a cancellation then she’ll come in an hour early to do a session so I can feel supported. She says she’s sorry I feel abandoned but these meetings are mandatory.

So I don’t know what happened. She’s pretty shady but I think I was also being pretty rude to her. But sometimes you just have to be loud. At this point I don’t even care if she likes me or not. I just don’t want to be on my own for 3 weeks at a time like this. And I do not appreciate mental health people being unprofessional.

PMDD is the worst and I hope it’s permanently over for me soon.

I’ve been feeling like my heart is going to stop all morning. I took a couple Valium 45 minutes ago and I walked to the gas station thinking a walk would make me feel better. It helped with my anxiety but my heart still feels like it’s going to explode. I didn’t take any extra Geodon or anything. So it shouldn’t be an actual issue I think it’s just crappy med resistant anxiety.

[Scooter9]

Well I think I'm finally getting enough water to drink now.

Since I came home from the hospital, I've been drinking about 8 glasses a day in addition to my regular coffee. I was going to the washroom really often but now after 3 weeks things are settling down.

I'm still feeling low and anxiety is up, but that's nothing new. I guess the good part of the story is that things are stable.

I was looking at pictures of myself during my recent vacation and I have changed. I'm not standing straight and an leaning to one side. It's not a physical problem, it's the depression.

I'm hoping the ketamine treatment makes a difference. Still waiting for my first appointment.

[Moose72]

Pdoc called for a checkup this morning, as scheduled. (Next appointment will be in person!) She asked if I was having any issues and of course I told her about my dry mouth since starting the Seroquel 300's and about what the dentist said about my oral health with the seven cavities I had all at once and that it was from the Seroquel drying my mouth out. Pdoc asked me what I want to do. I said can we increase Haldol and not take Seroquel. She said the Haldol is more for hallucinations and Seroquel is more for mood. She said Rexulti is for mood and I'm on a good dose of that right now. She said I might have trouble sleeping if we decreased the Seroquel but I said aren't I on trazodone for that and she said yes. So in the end, we compromised on cutting the Seroquel in half so that I am now taking 150.

I called the pharmacy to ask them if they'd rearrange my blister packs in accordance with my new script i.e. cutting the pills in half and putting the halves in each evening's blister pack. They said yes but not until tomorrow. This was about 11 a.m. this morning. The guy that answers the phone and mans the front counter there is always so negative! It's like everything is a huge burden on him. Sheesh! The pharmacist would've said, "Sure! We can get that done for you if you bring the pill packs in tomorrow!" It's all in the tone of the person I guess.

So yeah I'm taking 300 tonight- unless I can find my pill cutter- and then hopefully 150 tomorrow night, etc. I really hope it helps the dry mouth. I'm having to take a mouth rinse that mimmicks natural saliva twice a day and to brush with a prescription toothpaste that I can't rinse or eat or drink after for half an hour. My face was SOOO swollen on Monday after I got those 7 fillings! Actually, I have a photo. Maybe I'll post it here. I look terrible though! The medical doctor said my migraine was from all the dental work I had done at once. I'm so glad they have that Toradol shot to "instantly" get rid of the migraine pain!

[MuddyBoots]

Just got back from the doc's re: my foot. Got xrays on my foot and lower back. I hope something explains why I'm dragging my right foot around because when I wear shoes I nearly fall. I haven't been running (obv). It's a beautiful day out though, but we're expected some wicked gnarly storms later on, I'm just doing some editing in the backyard in the sun wearing a Tank top and shorts. Trees are starting to change. I gotta hit up the mountains soon. Last night I overheard my mom talking to someone on the phone about my eating. I don't know who or why it's any of their business. We've got a bunch of green chili peppers right now. Can't wait til they change color (like the leaves). Cherry tomatoes are good, I had a couple for lunch today. Metric ****-ton of raspberries too. I have scoliosis I wonder if it got worse and that's why I can't lift my foot.

My concentration is awful. I had some coffee to see if I can focus better. I really gotta get to editing, I have 106 documents of poems on google docs so far. Some of them are really good.

I talked to my doctor and we agreed to keep it to 5mg Valium for a while, perhaps months, until COVID calms down up here. He said it would be a shame to go back up to full-strength after all the hard work i've done. He says my two days of indulgence in benzos will not have damaged the withdrawal work i have done. I was still functioning okay at 5mg Valium so i have hope but if i get all rage-y again, i'll go up further. I can't stand the rage and no one else can either!

Still loving my bald head. I used my clippers and did a good job, but not perfect, it will take some practice with them and wearing glasses is also an obstacle. I'm having fun tho!

I had my general support group today and it was just okay. I hate it when people are coy and refuse to give specifics and talk in such generalities the discussion is not meaningful. One guy broke down and gave an example, so it was better after that.

I'll look into the "concurrent disorders" support group for my support group as i think it would help in my (paused) benzo taper to hear from other recovering addicts. "Concurrent" means a mental illness + an addiction.

Hope everyone is doing as best as can be expected. I care about you all and am reading all the posts in this thread but not functioning well enough to respond to each of you, so just know you have my best wishes in all your struggles!

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I talked to my doctor and we agreed to keep it to 5mg Valium for a while, perhaps months, until COVID calms down up here. He said it would be a shame to go back up to full-strength after all the hard work i've done. He says my two days of indulgence in benzos will not have damaged the withdrawal work i have done. I was still functioning okay at 5mg Valium so i have hope but if i get all rage-y again, i'll go up further. I can't stand the rage and no one else can either!

Still loving my bald head. I used my clippers and did a good job, but not perfect, it will take some practice with them and wearing glasses is also an obstacle. I'm having fun tho!

I had my general support group today and it was just okay. I hate it when people are coy and refuse to give specifics and talk in such generalities the discussion is not meaningful. One guy broke down and gave an example, so it was better after that.

I'll look into the "concurrent disorders" support group for my support group as i think it would help in my (paused) benzo taper to hear from other recovering addicts. "Concurrent" means a mental illness + an addiction.

Hope everyone is doing as best as can be expected. I care about you all and am reading all the posts in this thread but not functioning well enough to respond to each of you, so just know you have my best wishes in all your struggles!

You sure are a character aren’t you. Please don’t be rude and nasty to retail workers. They get enough hell already. A lot are essential workers and have no choice but to work there. They are putting their lives at risk to serve you. You also have no idea what someone is going through. Being screamed at by a customer can really mess an employee up mentally. I know firsthand.