Bipolar check-in #59

@Sapien:

I feel very conflicted about dating too. My last date was about five years ago and i didn't even really like the guy all that much. He would have been a good companion and perhaps good emotional support but that's all he had to offer.

It was just supposed to be a casual get-together at the mall to play a video game i like with two players. I actually initiated the meeting. I was curious what the game was like with two players. But as the time drew near, i started behaving like it was a date, dressing attractively, make-up and jewelry even.

The guy showed up and he was even more nervous than i was which just heightened my own nervousness. He blurted out as soon as he sat down that we should play the game. I had enough sense to tell him we should chat and catch up for a few minutes first.

But conversation quickly fizzled out and we played the game. It wasn't as fun as i thought it would be with two players. Then he asked to go outside to vape. I despise vaping and smoking but agreed.

The smoking area was dirty and i thought, "What great places you take me to." But it was better being outside in the night air and the big open sky. It relaxed me a bit and he relaxed with his vaping.

Nevertheless, i was still too drained from the strain so when we went back inside the mall and he suggested we play the game some more, i excused myself to "do some shopping." It was just an excuse to get away from him and the intense strain.

Our "date" lasted 40 minutes.

For myself, i will never get involved in dating again unless the guy is truly irresistible. I had an online romance over the Summer and that was intensely enjoyable before it spontaneously combusted.

So i think you're right to be cautious about dating, especially IRL. I know i've had many dates i regret. In our culture dating is regarded as a pleasure but i sure haven't enjoyed a single first date i've had. They were all tense and i was nervous and desperate to get away from the guy.

Starting out as friends seems to be the key and staging the date outside also. That's how my one relatively successful IRL romance as a teen and my recent Summer online romance at 55 started, with a guy on a site we both had an interest in -- it wasn't a dating site. I didn't even know he was a guy at first! Then he turned out to be a handsome guy! We just got too intense too fast as my mood was high and he followed my lead (problems of his own).

So that's my experience with dating. Be friends first and if possible ONLINE friends first and stage your date outside. Dating IRL is VERY INTENSE. People think it's brave to overcome your nerves and everything like that but i feel they are just looking at the bright side and excited for you. They don't give much weight to the intense negative experience of dating, the pain of the intense anxiety of it.

My policy now is: "Unless the guy is irresistible, resist!"

Wishing you all the best.

@whatever2013:

I’m very conflicted as well. I feel like I should get out there and make the effort but privately I think it’s more trouble and pain than it’s worth. I’ll stay happily single for a few more years. My first marriage did a real number on me.

Date's delayed, yay! I can say I'm busy the other days she said. I'm really not healthy relationship material yet and I'm trying not to be drinking/drugging buddy material anymore. Also might go to the ER for my foot (spine). It's completely numb now and I can only point it down and there's moderate pain/tingling in my leg still. The parking lot at my CMHC was full today so I had to park down the street and just that walk sucked so much. Then I tried doing my 3 mile loop and I got up the first hill (like 800m) and said "nope." Turned around. I did a lot of editing lately, now I just have to sort my poems by theme so I know what to do with which ones. I got approved for patient assistance for invega sustenna, but it says it goes through the insurance company and my insurance company denied the prior authorization so I don't think I'll be getting my shots for $10 unless my doc's appeal gets approved. Nope. Gonna be $3000, and efff that.

I've never really been that stressed about first dates. It's once you get to know each other where you get the anxiety that they're going to abandon you comes in. I'm already there because we met IP and she already knows my ins and outs from groups. She knew I had an eating disorder (and so did everyone else on the unit...) before I knew. She knew I was hallucinating when I didn't know. She knew how to act around me when I was starting to get angry no one would believe my delusions. That's why I really like her and that's why I'm not going to talk to her again.

I think my therapist wants me IP. I told her yesterday in email that I had taken my night meds at 2:30 so I can numb my anxiety. She replied back in email and said that I’m abusing my meds. Then I took 50mil of melatonin and a Benadryl and I fell asleep around 6. Around 7:30AM I replied back to my therapists email from last night and I told her I’d take the 11 slot. My mom and I had to stop at the mechanics for a couple hours and I was sitting about 2 feet away from an unmasked lady who kept playing with her feet. I just turned my back to her the whole time and I had my KN95 mask up to my eye lids.

But then on my way to therapy I got a call about setting up my Covid test. So I set that up for Tuesday morning. And I don’t have to quarantine. But I still haven’t heard about insurance. And I’m really stressing about that. So in therapy I guess I was a bit more honest then I should have been. And I told her about the melatonin and Benadryl. She kept saying “I’m going to call mom and tell her about your med situation.” And I kept freaking out that she was going to call the police to my house. And I kept saying “don’t call the cops” and she was just silent. I don’t know. She’s blue lives matter while I’m…not. On Facebook her profile picture says “back the blues. Blue lives matter.” So maybe she didn’t like my attitude about the police and that’s why she wasn’t saying anything?

When I left I asked her what she was going to do next and she said “either call mom or see my next client.” So after my appointment I hid out at a restaurant the way I did the last time this happened with transference T. I chose the same restaurant too.

Ive been home for about 20 minutes and so far no ambulance has shown up and my mom hasn’t been called. I gave my mom a heads up and told her that my T was going to call her about my med situation. I mean. My mom does know about this stuff.

But today I am super down and tired. I think it’s because of the weather and also because I am so anxious about my insurance. I have this headache which I think may be the weather and my heart has been racing ever since that med situation last night with the melatonin and Benadryl. I’m not all that anxious though right now. I had a mug of tension tamer tea instead of going straight for the Valium like I normally would after a stressful day.

But there was a noticeable difference in how I went into therapy today and how I came out. I was almost manic like my entire session. Now I’ve just crashed physically and emotionally and I feel defeated.

I did tell my therapist today about these episodes of anxiety where all I can do for hours is read and then I lose track of the time time and realize I’ve forgotten to do stuff. I told her that was my issue yesterday. I read so much I forgot to eat and then I had a freak out once I realized how hungry and anxious I was. She told me to set a timer. I told her that I am trying to give myself breaks every 40 pages. I told her that’s why I didn’t read from March until July. But that I started it up again.

I’ve read 11 books since the end of July. It didn’t become a problem again until Monday. When I was a kid I did the same thing where I would do nothing but read. But since I was in a treatment center at the time the staff could just take my books if I wasn’t following directions. One time though at my last treatment center they told me I wasn’t cooperating and I needed to stay in my room for the rest of the day/night. But they didn’t take my books and I just sat in my room alone all night reading and thinking I had won since I didn’t have to go to groups or do anything else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi What are your doses? That is the key question about your taper. bizi

My regular dose is 1mg morning, 1 mg night. I've kept the morning dose the same, but cut to .5mg three nights/week.

And I'm stuck.

For the past 2 days I'm taken my former dose and...feel good. Anxiety in control, depression manageable. I feel stable. I'm really stuck right now. This is always what happens, no matter how slowly I taper. I end up coming back to the previous dose because...Klonopin works.

I would say the hell with it, I'll stay on the stuff - but my fear is that I'll eventually come up against a jerky pdoc who *insists* I come off it.

It's 5 I'm still in bed. My husband is cooking. Not for me I'm not eating what he's cooking. I don't have anything safe to eat. I don't know what to do. I don't want my meal to go over XXXX calories and it really limits me. I only have vegetables as an option. It's a mess. I'd rather not eat anything but that would start fights. I thought I was going to win buying things I love to eat but I can't touch those. I don't know how to force myself to eat. I'm not seeing any Drs in person right now. It's just a bad ED day. I'm going to drink some water but I don't know what else I'll have. I only have to be up for 6 hours so that is good.

I recommend getting a nutritional shake like ensures or even something like carnation instant breakfasts. I know even that will be difficult on the hard days, but at least you'll have something easy to consume that will help you feel better (and keep reminding yourself- it will help you feel better). Sorry you're having a rough day. I can relate to buying things you "love to eat" and not allowing yourself the pleasure. I have a whole drawer full of forbidden foods that were supposed to be easier to eat. At least try some veggies tonight?

Preregistration just called. Just told us to be at the hospital at this time and what insurance I have. I feel like if there was an issue with the insurance they wouldn’t be going through all this trouble. I’ve gotten 2 calls from the office today.

I’m not going to lie. I am very nervous about post op depression. I’ve had it 3 out of the 4 times I’ve had surgery. I didn’t get it during a colonoscopy but I was 15 and they didn’t actually remove anything. During my wisdom teeth surgery I had like post op paranoia that I was going to die a few days after the surgery. I heard that my liposuction revision surgery was kind of a risky surgery. I’m just worried about how I’ve been these past couple weeks with my high anxiety it’s a bit concerning honestly. I’ve heard the depression is particularly bad for this type of surgery. But I do want my mental health back -as I’ve been told will happen. I’ve been so unstable for so long. I wish I had a better support system then what I currently have.

I have instant carnation breakfast high protein but that's to much for me. I have to find something. I don't want to even go into the kitchen. I haven't got my water yet for the day.

How about having half the instant breakfast and saving the other half for later?

I attended my very first concurrent support group today. "Concurrent" means a mental disorder AND and an addiction. It was over ZOOM. I said only Hello and Thanks which i am happy with as i feel like being cautious with the group and learning their protocols before i speak.

I don't think there's much to be gained by speaking anyways. I'm stable at the moment. I'll save their ears for when i need help, when i next tackle resuming my benzo taper, which won't be for a while.

It was pleasant to hear people talk and see friendly faces and i felt affection several times. The facilitator did a good job.

I was disappointed that there wasn't more sharing of struggles with substances tho. It was largely just a general support group.

@BethRags:

I'm sorry to read you are also having struggles with benzos. You are surely right -- they DO work. This nonsense about them losing potency after two weeks is dreck. I sure feel your pain. Since i re-instated at 25% of my dose i have been feeling much healthier but still shaken by my intense withdrawal experience. I'm not attending to my activities-of-daily-living. But the hysteria, fear and rage are gone, thankfully. Hopefully i will feel healed enough to do some laundry and cleaning soon because it's really getting to be a crisis.

So I ended up having a small chicken Philly with tons of veggies on it. 😊

I have therapy tomorrow. I’ve been through the mill and I’m a bit afraid to talk to my therapist about it all. I’ve always been through the entire gamut of human emotion in a week’s time with some experiences I’ve never had before to boot that invoked some fear and confusion. Long story short – I don’t even know how to begin or deal with this issue. I know I just need to sit down and express it all but an hour just won’t do it and I need to feel someone understands and is on my side on this one. I feel like I’m losing it. I mean it’s not a crisis but it’s been enough for me to question at times starting Intensive Outpatient treatment, but it’s not a continual thing. These last two days felt a bit more stable – but as quickly as I was thrown off by a rather trivial thing… I’m a bit nervous.

On the other front, there was an “error” in complaint workup and they had to resend it. I have waited 3 business days (not including weekend) for a phone call, to find out when I called to ask why I haven’t gotten it, that it’ll be another 2 days. I think I’m getting the run around to be honest. But at the same time, why would they offer up the call from leadership from their end if it wasn’t something they’d do? I just want to know it’s been addressed.

I had this urge for some hot chocolate tonight and I drank me a nice large mug full. It really hit the spot. I’m glad I took the time to make some

My husband and I are heading to Krakow, Poland in less than an hour. Higher in the mountains was, in fact, the first big snow of the season. We enjoyed the mountains, but are looking forward to a city environment. Krakow is lovely. Hubby was never there, but I briefly visited it in 1991 between my junior and senior years at university. The temps are milder there right now, in the 60s F (around 17 C). Anyone interested in that story can read it at Summer work abroad in Poland – Bird Flight

I'm tired this morning and looking forward to hopefully better food. I remember Polish food as being better.

Attached is a snow capped mountain I photographed this morning (High Tatra Mountains) in Slovakia.

How would i know if i'm depressed? I repeat to myself, "I hate myself," over and over, when i think of shameful memories of things i have said and done. Is that depression? I have no energy. I'm nearly silent. I cry easily. I shaved my head. I'm overeating. I don't keep up with my activities-of-daily-living. Laundry and cleaning are at crisis-levels. Is that depression?

Sounds like it. Do you have a plan to tackle it (talk to pdoc, use light therapy, go hang out at a dog park, whatever?) Hope you get to feeling better soon

I dyed my hair blue this morning. Been up since 2am. Got a workout in despite my foot/spine. I am going on that *******ed "date" and I will risk putting myself out there but I won't cling to her like she's the answer to all my problems. I am confident in myself and practice self-compassion independent of others' perspectives. We are going to have fun being with each other because we are not the addicts we try to handle every day. And my hair is fkkking blue now so that's cool. Today's probably going to be an ensure day. I seriously need to somehow get across to my therapist that my eating is fkkked to the point it could be "disordered" I think she thinks I'm not eating because of mixed stuff going on and just not having an appetite but like I'm denying myself the ability to eat. I drink like 7 L of water or tea a day instead of eating. Like, I have the coping skills mastered. But there's a lot of root stuff that's horribly wrong. Like boundaries. I realized it was kinda messeed up when in group the question was "how do you handle it when someone crosses your boundaries" but my answer was "Convince myself it's OK" and I got a lot of "no that's not the right answer' looks and sounds, but that's what I did when I was being abused and that was my survivor tactic and it helped then but it's hurting now so that's just one example of a thing I have to work on. I see my therapist next week. I'm asking for weekly sessions now. I'm going to get the ****ing sheets blue lol.

I got a n pointment with the neurologist! In freaking January! I was expecting a wait, but not four months!

I was in the garage fooling around with my soda collection when my mom got a call from the doctors office. And my insurance approved the surgery! I am beyond happy and relieved right now. I was stressing out so badly for weeks. I emailed my therapist about it. I hope she’s at least a bit happy for me. Now I need to go out to the grocery store and Walmart to get some easy light on my stomach recovery food and some special soap I need to use before my surgery.

My melatonin I think has completely crapped out on me. So I’m going to give Benadryl a try. It’s worked before but it makes me a bit hungry so that’s why I haven’t taken it in awhile.

But man am I happy about this news. Now my anxiety can ease up.

I'm doing laundry!

I took out the trash too!

I wish i wouldn't press the panic button when my activities-of-daily-living slide. I get to them eventually. Today is three days later than i hoped for but i guess i needed to rest and gather strength.

I'm not proud that i get so very little done but a fun friend in Vancouver said he looks at it this way: he feels he does the work of ten psychiatrists and 100 psychiatric nurses everyday just taking care of himself. I will try and keep this in mind. This frees up psychiatric staff to take care of others who are in more dire straits than i am.

@Sapien:

Good luck on your date. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude towards it. My hair was blue before i shaved it. I find blue hair very flattering! I quite enjoyed it and got many compliments!

Glad you're having fun with your hair! I'm always sad to see people spend a fortune and have emotional turmoil all to make their hair look naturally youthful thru fake means. I hate the fake-natural-look, so phony.

Have fun, i say! I colored my hair myself using a natural vegetable dye for eight dollars! Now i'm shaving it with clippers i bought for $15! No muss, no fuss, no dealing with a stylist!

My plan re my "depression" is as always: endure. I don't indulge it and i don't reject it. I just allow it to pass like a cloud in the sky.

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble eating. Eating disorders are so very tough to conquer. But all you can do is persevere in trying and one day you will get there! Success is falling down 100 times and getting up 101!

Glad you're working out your $h!t in therapy and having useful realizations about yourself and recognizing maladaptive coping strategies.

Sounds like you are on the right track to good things happening!

Last week I hurt the left side of my lower back and hip in aqua fitness class. Last night I’d gotten to the point that I decided to call the doctor today, but on waking this morning it’s better!

Boy are the days cooler! The leaves are changing. I had hoped it wouldn’t be so until next month. Here fall is short and winter comes early when fall is early. I hate winter with its short dark days and snow! Ugh, I get so tired of snow.

My cat must have been cold last night too because he was sleeping with me this morning! I hope he makes it a regular thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 .... I'm sorry to read you are also having struggles with benzos. You are surely right -- they DO work. This nonsense about them losing potency after two weeks is dreck. I sure feel your pain. Since i re-instated at 25% of my dose i have been feeling much healthier but still shaken by my intense withdrawal experience. I'm not attending to my activities-of-daily-living. But the hysteria, fear and rage are gone, thankfully. Hopefully i will feel healed enough to do some laundry and cleaning soon because it's really getting to be a crisis.

Thank you, Jane. Yeah...I feel pretty stuck right now. Klonopin is the most effective med I've ever been on - and I've been on at least 35 meds over the years. It's hard when I'm told that the one medication that truly helps me is the one I can't take

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My husband and I are heading to Krakow, Poland in less than an hour. Higher in the mountains was, in fact, the first big snow of the season. We enjoyed the mountains, but are looking forward to a city environment. Krakow is lovely. Hubby was never there, but I briefly visited it in 1991 between my junior and senior years at university. The temps are milder there right now, in the 60s F (around 17 C). Anyone interested in that story can read it at Summer work abroad in Poland – Bird Flight I'm tired this morning and looking forward to hopefully better food. I remember Polish food as being better. Attached is a snow capped mountain I photographed this morning (High Tatra Mountains) in Slovakia.

A beautiful photograph and a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing them, Soupe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Last week I hurt the left side of my lower back and hip in aqua fitness class. Last night I’d gotten to the point that I decided to call the doctor today, but on waking this morning it’s better! Boy are the days cooler! The leaves are changing. I had hoped it wouldn’t be so until next month. Here fall is short and winter comes early when fall is early. I hate winter with its short dark days and snow! Ugh, I get so tired of snow. My cat must have been cold last night too because he was sleeping with me this morning! I hope he makes it a regular thing.

It's so nice when the cats are cold so they cuddle

100 degrees here today, God help us. Supposedly by Sunday the temperature will be in the high 80's. Wow, do I look forward to that!

It's great that your back improved overnight. Yay!