Bipolar check-in #59

SO happy that you have another trip planned What a wonderful time to go to Gatlinburg ! I'm sorry you didn't care for the new med provider. Is there a possibility or finding someone else ?

Oh boy..

Things are hitting me left and right !!

Yes my Blood sugar is running too high.. If it stays like it is 140-150 this week then I need to increase my Glipizide to 10mg in the am and my normal 5mg at night.. I'm so not happy about this.

My Fibro is sooo bad right now Normally I would have taken 1 or 2 Xanax at least they help a little.

Today I was leaving to see my T Richard and I knocked my tumbler full of Crystal light fruit punch It. went. everywhere. I went into a hellish rant and I was hitting things and throwing stuff.. Steve came rushing to me to help me, started hugging me tight and I was just screaming.. It was awful.

I was Detoxed off Xanax while IP but I still am dealing with the effects of stopping cold turkey.. I know things will improve as far as pain relief but right now I'm just overwhelmed.

I stopped by my Hospitals medical records to get a copy of my hospital ER and stay and what was done while I was unconscious .. its a good thing I have no memory of it according to Steve and Richard.. But yeah it was scary how low my blood pressure and oxygen level got.

I hope this rage-y shyt goes away !!

Hugs and Love to anyone in need

So I'm a bit paranoid. It feels like someone's watching me. I still have a short temper. I'm having trouble writing coherently. I didn't shower yesterday I really need to tonight. I was left home alone for 2 hrs. and the internet went out so I tried to color but I couldn't see everywhere so I stopped and just sat where I could see all the doors. They're home now but the feeling is still there along with anxiety.

I feel exhausted. Anyone have tips on teaching someone to drive? My sister finally decided she wants to get her license and I am the one teaching her. She does a relatively good job, for what it is worth but I definitely get nervous and overwhelmed at times and I really dread doing it. I also have a lot of fears of once she has a license of her getting into an accident from poor driving. It is a bit premature to think like that and she really does do fine in the car. We “graduated” from the parking lot and I let her go down side streets and only one main road so she does not get overwhelmed. I still have to take her into higher traffic areas with red lights, and practice parking between cars. I dread the latter – I’m scared to death of it, to be honest. No one else will teach her, or be calm enough with her so I feel I have to do this. She deserves some independence. If it weren’t for a friend, I would have never learned or obtained my license. I need to pay that forward.

Other than that, there isn’t really much to report. I’ve been enjoying my language study, and have put coding on the back burner. I definitely think I was hypomanic for awhile. My sleep has gotten a lot better (without meds) and my mood has come down quite a bit to a normal. Not that it matters – I didn’t have means to cause damage in my life, but it is just for the record. I am trying to keep myself preoccupied with something for awhile. It helps make the days go by. I still go walking everyday I feel like it. I have not went yet today, but I might in a little bit. It will depend on how I am feeling.

I isolate myself quite a bit. I don’t interact with people beyond what is necessary and I feel it is a bit of a problem in terms of living a more fulfilling life – but I have no want to deal with others or have them deal with me. It is no joke to say I live and breathe in my own four walls and my only connection to the outside world is necessary talk/text/interaction. I live on my computer. It’s less than healthy but it’s where all my past times are. Anyone have tips on that one? I’m open to thoughts of how to integrate myself into something without feeling like a burden or being burdened by others. My reasons for being this way are varied and convoluted. I don’t like really looking inward on them as of right now, but I am willing to combat the symptoms of the issues. Any thoughts?

Going to the gynecologist as a passing trans man is one of the most uncomfortable experiences. Everyone is kinda like wary of you almost and don’t know how to respond to you. The nurse said to set my things down and I thought she meant to sit on the table. But she meant set my things down so I could get weighed. And I was super embarrassed because the lady at the desk was staring at me. I heard them laughing about the incident when she was done in the room with me. Then the doctor didn’t really do? Anything he briefly like for 3 seconds looked at a couple of my incisions. Not all of them. He asked how I was doing. Not how I was feeling though. I had told the nurse about the burning I was having and the doctor said it could either be a UTI or a yeast infection. So he said he’ll prescribe a one pill thing. Then I’d have to give a urine sample. But he was just like in and out super fast I didn’t have a chance to tell him how happy I was with the surgery or anything because he was in such a rush to leave. So I gave a urine sample and then I left and I am at home in bed because it was just a super uncomfortable experience. I did get some shopping done earlier and I felt kinda self conscious because I felt like my pants were too tight and people could see that I was trans. Plus they really were too tight and were digging into me and I was uncomfortable physically as well. So I came home and changed into gym shorts and I took a Valium. I had taken one before we left for the doctor. And I’m just trying to rewind and clear my mind now.

But literally every time I go to the gynecologist there’s some pain or embarrassment or both happening. I see him for the last time in 4 weeks. Then my mom told me I’ll never have to go to the gynecologist again.

It wasn’t a total waste of a day. I did find all the new candy that just came out and one of the new Pepsi’s in cases. I got my pumpkin air freshener too. I couldn’t find the pumpkin spice ramen though. I hope everyone at the doctors has forgotten about me by now.

I have not had a decent meal since Tuesday. So I may just be super hangry. My mom is picking up some Chinese food for lunch.

@Mountaindewed, I hate going to the gynecologist and I'm not trans. That is a good thing that soon you'll hopefully be done with them. I'm sorry to read that the doctor was short with you.

I actually have my own concern that may require a gynecologist. After over a year of normal periods, this month it has lasted 11 days, and counting. It's been quite light these past five days, but keeps going. I thought it finally stopped, then nope. I have a history of ovarian cysts and cervical polyps but the latter was dealt with a year ago. Maybe they're back? Maybe something else. If it stops tomorrow or the next day, I'll let it go unless long periods become a regular occurrence for me again. I'm never going to have children. I wish my periods just stopped as part of a menopause, but women in my family don't get it until rather old.

Today Hubby and I took a ride into the mountains and saw our first snow of the season. Someone even made a mini snowman (or woman). It looks like it was hitch hiking. I took a picture along with some other pretty scenes during our short hikes. Also a cool chair at the pub we had lunch in. Sorry most are sideways. It's hard to fix on my phone.

I hope there’s nothing seriously wrong with you and it goes ok. My gynecological issues, the frequent infections and stuff didn’t start happening until after I began to transition. I don’t know what the connection is. Before I never even needed to go to one. Mostly because I just refused to have an exam done. I didn’t have my first one done until late last year when I was 27. And I think they say you should have your first one done when your 21 at the latest.

I like your pictures.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I am out of pumpkin air freshener which I use a lot and I needed some other stuff so I went to Walgreens and I had a bit of a scare. Some guy was standing outside just starring at my mom and me as we pulled up. We got out and he kept looking at us and said to my mom “hi. Mame how are you doing?” And my mom mumbled “fine.” And he said “do you have $2 for gas?” And my mom said “no”. and the guy said “thank you.” I almost forgot half of what I went in there for because I was so spooked. By the time we left he was gone. but I think he was in the car next to us. I wasn’t sure. There was another person in the car with him a lady. I told my mom to make sure he wasn’t going to follow us. I told her if he started driving behind us to make 3 right turns and if he was still there to call the police. I read on Facebook that’s what you should do if you think people are following you. She didn’t say she was freaked out but I think she was a little bit unsettled since that never happened at our old place. I’m sure he was most likely harmless and legit needed gas money. But it was still freaky at the time. I didn’t find the pumpkin air freshener though. These seasonal items are tough to find.

Ugh, I hate when stuff like that happens. It is so unsettling. I'm glad you and your mom are okay.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour @Mountaindewed, I hate going to the gynecologist and I'm not trans. That is a good thing that soon you'll hopefully be done with them. I'm sorry to read that the doctor was short with you. I actually have my own concern that may require a gynecologist. After over a year of normal periods, this month it has lasted 11 days, and counting. It's been quite light these past five days, but keeps going. I thought it finally stopped, then nope. I have a history of ovarian cysts and cervical polyps but the latter was dealt with a year ago. Maybe they're back? Maybe something else. If it stops tomorrow or the next day, I'll let it go unless long periods become a regular occurrence for me again. I'm never going to have children. I wish my periods just stopped as part of a menopause, but women in my family don't get it until rather old. Today Hubby and I took a ride into the mountains and saw our first snow of the season. Someone even made a mini snowman (or woman). It looks like it was hitch hiking. I took a picture along with some other pretty scenes during our short hikes. Also a cool chair at the pub we had lunch in. Sorry most are sideways. It's hard to fix on my phone.

Thanks for the pics, Soupe! I love the little snow woman


I want to mention- with the shingles vax you may have a few hours of feeling unwell. I've never had a reaction to a vaccine, but I sure did with the shingles one. I felt like I had the flu for 3 hours. The thing is, it's not just me. I've spoken to a number of people who had a flu-like reaction from the shingles vax. It's definitely worth it to get the vaccine, but I wouldn't plan to do much afterwards. Also this one causes a really sore arm.

Beautiful pictures soupe! What a nice area. It’s sort of sad you can’t stay for another year.

My cap finally arrived and looks more like a cap maids wear in soupe’s part of the world. I thought it was a take off of the 1920’s cap but it’s more like a headscarf with elastic in the back. The embroidered part is beautiful though.

Oh my muscles from Tuesday’s pot throwing class! Wow who knew pot throwing was so physically painful? Muscles in my legs that I don’t remember having are throbbing! It was a workout no doubt about that. More so than my aqua fitness classes!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu My cap finally arrived and looks more like a cap maids wear in soupe’s part of the world. I thought it was a take off of the 1920’s cap but it’s more like a headscarf with elastic in the back. The embroidered part is beautiful though. Oh my muscles from Tuesday’s pot throwing class! Wow who knew pot throwing was so physically painful? Muscles in my legs that I don’t remember having are throbbing! It was a workout no doubt about that. More so than my aqua fitness classes!

Wow! I had no idea pot throwing was strenuous.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Oh boy.. Things are hitting me left and right !! Yes my Blood sugar is running too high.. If it stays like it is 140-150 this week then I need to increase my Glipizide to 10mg in the am and my normal 5mg at night.. I'm so not happy about this. My Fibro is sooo bad right now Normally I would have taken 1 or 2 Xanax at least they help a little. Today I was leaving to see my T Richard and I knocked my tumbler full of Crystal light fruit punch It. went. everywhere. I went into a hellish rant and I was hitting things and throwing stuff.. Steve came rushing to me to help me, started hugging me tight and I was just screaming.. It was awful. I was Detoxed off Xanax while IP but I still am dealing with the effects of stopping cold turkey.. I know things will improve as far as pain relief but right now I'm just overwhelmed. I stopped by my Hospitals medical records to get a copy of my hospital ER and stay and what was done while I was unconscious .. its a good thing I have no memory of it according to Steve and Richard.. But yeah it was scary how low my blood pressure and oxygen level got. I hope this rage-y shyt goes away !! Hugs and Love to anyone in need

It's aggravating enough when things aren't going well, but on top of it all to drop a sticky beverage...UGH. I'm pretty sure I'd be screaming, too.

I'm sending you hugs and love

I just found out that the doctors portion of my surgery which was $7,801 was 100% covered by insurance. Now I just have to see what the hospital part will be. I didn’t know that it was 2 different things. The doctor and the hospital. But at least I don’t owe $7,801. Money that I absolutely don’t have.

I feel better mentally after taking all my meds early. I’m not too tired right now. Or very hungry. My mom and I got egg foo young lunch specials and I ate the egg foo young but not much of the rice. I also had 3 crab ragoon. I’m not exactly sure what’s up with my appetite. But my blood work is normal so there’s nothing medically wrong.

Now that I took my meds so early they are kinda wearing off. They didn’t make me hungry though. So I may just take my melatonin and Benadryl now with a cup of tea and just try to relax even more. My one pill med thing isn’t ready and I could really use that. Hopefully that will solve the issue. I don’t know what the side effects are on that. I vaguely remember being on a one pill med to get rid of an infection and it made me pretty sick.

Last week the ice cream I always buy was $3.88. Yesterday I found out it’s now $4.30 a pint. That kinda sucks since I can’t buy 4 of them at once anymore. Even one was a lot. That’s the only price hike I’ve really noticed. But also soda is $5.99 a case where I am and they hardly have sales anymore. I remember back in 2014 they’d have sales like 4 cases for $8. Good times back then.

I’m glad I got my flu shot early. People really want to get it this year.

Great Pics ! Thank you so much !!! I hope your periods get sorted out

Yessssssss ! I was lucky Steve insisted on cleaning it up as he figured I'd explode again. He is so supportive and just wants to help me recover.

I got some decent sleep last night. My Fibro is even worse today, as if that is possible. Ugh !

Steve is being incredibly supportive, I mean he always is but of course when I tell him how I am feeling such guilt and feeling like a burden. His response is " You just hit the wall and totally lost touch" I am struggling with enormous grief that I am working on with Richard. I know eventually I will get over that its just hard knowing what I put him through and what I put one of my best friends though. Shes an amazing person and I am beyond grateful to have her in my life !!

I've not had any explosions today thankfully

Hope everyone is having a good day

Last night, I let N3 borrow my car so he could go get a pizza. When he came over, his phone wasn't getting signal and he just brushed it off and left. He had originally planned to pick up the pizza at 11:45 p.m. Then I texted him saying he should get it earlier. He called and they said it could be picked up at 10. I didn't want N3 to get mugged because he still had that money in his wallet. So that was that. Until I called him at 10:20 to see if he made it home but no answer- it just went to voicemail. I went out to the pizza place to see if he was still there. Nope. Not at my mom's place. It was getting late. I started worrying that he'd been in an accident. I had gone to his apartment to see if he was there but nope. So I went home and got on chat here and talked with them about it. Finally about 12:30 he calls me! Said he never got my texts or calls. I was just so happy he wasn't in a hospital somewhere! I chewed him out saying that my mom and I didn't know where he was and it worried me! He said "I didn't mean to cause such a ruckus". He said that they'd gone to the grocery store and just walked around and didn't buy anything. UGH. What possessed them??

Sorry to be so MIA lately. Just feeling overwhelmed by... well, everything. You know how it gets. It's usually a big sign of depression spiraling in. Just got out my lightbox. It's time.

But I did (miraculously) manage to force myself to deal with "desk stuff". Took all afternoon. Things were really piling up. I absolutely loathe dealing with that crap, though I do feel a little less squashed by it now.

Stayed in my jammies all day, but now put on some real clothes as I need to pick up meds and a bit at the grocery store. Procrastinating big time.

SOOOO many hugs going out. Lost many days. Sorry about that.

@christina~ Extra hugs. Sorry to not have been there for support at such a terrible time. You will come back out of this, step by step. I understand why you might *feel* so, but you are most assuredly NOT a burden. You are well-loved and we want you around for a good long time!

I finally got a shower today. It had been since Monday, I think. Feeling clean is nice.

Don’t leave it long before seeing a gynaecologist. I had periods that kept getting progressively longer. Ended up in hospital after 30 days of my last one needing blood transfusions.

Thanks for the advice, @unlived. I will. I have been taking extra iron supplement, but just two of my regular small multivitamins per day. At home I have a stronger iron supplement I can take.

What has me really down today is that after five days of light, yesterday afternoon it got heavier (though not extremely so) and still is today. Yesterday morning I even thought it was finally over with. I just want to go home already from a quasi vacation I'm on. I'm guessing this is perimenopause or could even be stress-induced (I can be prone to stuffing stress), but won't fully rule out something else. I had something similar happen 1.5 through 1 years ago, but then it normalized. Back then my then gynecologist said it was not perimenopause, but it checked out as nothing concerning. She did remove the polyps I had. I hadn't had any pain from whatever it was. I have no pain now. I'm a little over 50. Back over a year ago the longest it went was 12 days. This is going longer than that. My life average was 7 or 8 days, which when normal was longer than most womens'.

I almost felt like crying this morning, but didn't. My mood is likely affected by this hormonal stuff, plus other things.

Oh soupe that sounds aggravating, it’s will be nice to get home and have your own car again.

I wrote a long post here, then my computer crashed and I lost the post. Ugh, that is so annoying. Anyway, *HUGS* all around!

Soupe, it could be fibroids causing heavy bleeding.

Well that’s a bummer Beth! I for one would have read it.