Bipolar check-in #59

Well, my pharmacy is getting smarter lol. Did I mention I think there is a note attached to my file about who can talk to me? I’ve had to go to the pharmacy a lot in the recent days (more than normal) and the pharmacist (the one I didn’t have a problem with) is always the one to wait on me. In fact, I even heard her tell another she’d wait on me the other day. It’s also worth nothing I have not seen the pharm tech working who talked to me like a dog. I have a suspicion she has been reprimanded with a suspension. I doubt she’s lost her job, but I did have phone records, timestamps etc. for the actual phone call. They can hear how awful she talked to me. The district manager promised to take care of the situation for me, and left me with her number so I could text her about my medicine so I could know who is working if I didn’t want to deal with the other pharmacist.

I know I shouldn’t be happy about it, but I really do think that pharmacy tech deserved a talking to, and reprimanded as well as the pharmacist. I saw the other pharmacist yesterday when my mom went to pick up her medicine. She looked very concentrated and not at all her normal, obnoxious self. I kid you not when I say I’ve watched her make comments about people/things and in a loud voice be very flamboyant, including one time she threw up hands up and said “It’s everyday people. DRAMAAAA”. I couldn’t believe she was a pharmacist when I first saw her! Hopefully, it’s not just in my head and my complaint did something to better their professionalism. It really was lacking.

I mentioned they are getting smarter. They had a medicine ready for me, but it was a lower dose of a medicine I already have. I explained I already picked up my medicine, and they realized it was a mistake. She did offer it to me if I needed it, but I was honest and told her I didn’t. It was a pleasant experience and I didn’t have any issue. I appreciated that.

On one level, I feel bad I have “bad blood” with workers there. On yet another level, I am glad they realize their behavior is not appropriate for everyone. Some many enjoy their antics, I did not. I worked with a teacher who was like that. Somehow she got away with poking fun at students and being borderline rude. Some kids enjoyed it, some did not. However, it didn’t stop her from doing it, and I know of at least one student who left that school because nothing would be done about her teasing. To be absolutely fair, she was not doing it to be malicious, but it was not becoming of her. She also was the gossip queen and would talk about students (confidential information) in the hallway as they passed. It really was an issue.

Anyway, went to the store for the third time this week for my mom. I really get annoyed with that, but it is what it is. I was already out. At least we have a kitchen stocked with everything I could possibly want and all necessities taken care of. I shouldn’t have to go out again anytime soon. It’s gonna be crappy weather anyway.

I don’t know what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am playing some games in German to practice since I am rather well versed in grammatical constructions and sentence structure and some mainstay vocabulary. I find myself impressed with how much I understand without translation, but of course there is plenty of vocabulary I’m trying to absorb. The issue with German is that prefix + common verb is a popular thing that changes the meaning all together. A good example:
the verb: suchen – to search, to look for
however
versuchen – to try, besuchen – to visit, aussuchen – to choose ,heraussuchen – to look out for, untersuchen – to investigate…you get the point. Lots of verbs do this and radically change the meaning. Another good example is stehen – to stand, but verstehen – to understand. I guess there is some type of correlation there (to underSTAND) but in English, I do not correlate the two, you know?

It’s helpful though to expand vocabulary!

I guess I’ll spend my day playing with that !

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Well that’s a bummer Beth! I for one would have read it.

Thank you, Nammu

I’m worried I ruptured something down there by not being careful. I told my mom. Kinda in code and through text. But she knows about it now. She told me to just be careful and wait longer. I still have the pain but I don’t have a fever. The pain is a lot less then yesterday anyways with the one pill yeast infection med. but I am a bit worried and I’m wondering if I should call my doctor. Why do these things always happen on Fridays? I guess if it gets really bad or I develop a fever I can always go to immediate care. But my mom said not to worry. Just don’t do it again for 4 weeks.

Besides that I’m feeling pretty good mental health wise and physically. Although I could probably use a Valium after all this stuff that just went on.

My sleep is still messed up. I didn't even wake up until 1 today and then I stayed in bed until 2:15! Just playing on my phone or resting. Tomorrow, my friend is picking me up at 1 so I can't play these games! My dreams are detailed and feel like real life- especially last "night". I dreamed I was back in the psych hospital, but this hospital was a different hospital. It seemed to be run okay. I thought, "Why am I in the psych hospital so soon again?" I was going to leave, but my mom's husband came to pick me up- which he's done once before in real life. I originally (in the dream) was going to drive myself home but the landscape outside the hospital window was all marshy and bushy and rolling hills and i didn't know the way to get out. (Theme in my real life!) Then there was a truck that had swing sets set sideways - one swing per set - and there were kids swinging on them as the motor-home/big rig type trucks drove along slowly. My sister was also in the hospital and she and I were singing together. I remember the tune because it's a tune I know in real life. In the dream, I had my singing voice back and it was effortless to sing! What a disappointment to then wake up. I think I have a better life asleep than awake.

Did a 5 mile hike up a short, but steep rocky ridge this morning after my pnurse appointment. I definitely underplayed my food ****ery (what I'm now calling the eating disorder) with her and she probably thinks my eating is fine. Was cool to see her for the first time though, even if it's only via internet. I've been talking to her for 9 months now, and have not had a clue what her face looks like until today. Position de pandemic, eh?
Oh, and I am not returning to therapy. I actually blocked my therapist's email so she can't send me the link to the session. I'm curious as to how she will handle it (call me? wellness check? nothing?).

It’s that time of year to put away the things of spring and summer and tidy everything away for winter ❄️. Only have two big things left, the putting away of deck chairs and removing the flowers. The chairs are a real pain. I have to move the four chairs already in the garage and put the big ones on the bottom and stack the rest on top. Gets fun with my back. The flowers are still going strong. It’s gotten cooler the last couple of days but no frost yet. I’m hoping they last until Halloween 🎃. Looks nicer when the people come around. I’m not buying any pumpkins this year. So it would be nice if the flowers are still there.

Just bought a bunch of groceries so I can make bread pudding. Last night I was craving some and all I needed was the heavy cream and milk. Got all the fixings for roast beef Sunday meal too. Not sure if going to make it Saturday or Sunday. The cooler weather is perking me up.

I’ve been feeling kind of blah since about noon. I’m not sure why. I know I did a lot of laundry and moving around and some slightly heavy lifting. I wonder if I did too much. My UTI test came back negative so now I’m a bit more worried I did something. I wish I could get involved in my reading again. It’s been awhile since I read despite being almost finished with 2 books that I could easily blow through in 2 days. I had a pint of mint chip Halo Top ice cream for dinner. That’s the main brand of ice cream I eat. The ice cream was filling so I probably won’t eat an actual dinner.

I really want to read right now but I’ll probably take a 4th Valium and listen to my self help podcast for the rest of the night. I’m not S. Just kinda down. Its possible it could be the night before my weekly shot mood plummet that I get.

I sent a message to my doctor through my online portal. I told him I wasn’t very careful and I felt like I had done some damage. I’m not sure if he responds to them during the weekend. I got my shot a night early. It’s not a big deal to get it a night early or a night late according to Reddit and I’ve been doing it since I started on them. So I hope my mood evens out.

It looks like I’ll owe about $2100 for my surgery. The entire surgery, the doctor and the hospital was originally $39 thousand. How is an outpatient hysterectomy $39 thousand?

I'm having problems with getting my feelings and thoughts expressed. My therapist keeps telling me that I'm doing so much better than I was. In some ways I am, but for the most part I feel that my feelings and words are stuck and unable to get out. I guess I need to tell her by using the words I've written here.

The clinic where I obtain my medical and psychiatric/therapy care is opening a large facility starting Monday. I'm excited to see it. The only problem is that the new place is quite a bit further than the old clinic, which is close to where I live. That means more gas. Gas is over over $4/gallon. Ugh.

With a heavy heart i have decided to abandon my pharmacy after yet another incidence of rank and utter incompetence today. There have been problems nine out of ten times there and it is not good for my health to get so enraged and intensely frustrated on a regular basis.

They are my third pharmacy in five years that couldn't find their left butt cheek with two hands and a map. Previously i dealt for 15 years at a pharmacy with flawless friendly service but ownership changed hands and they went rapidly downhill.

I was sticking with the current incompetent pharmacy because they offer evening deliveries but now with my 75% benzo reduction i am available all daytime hours so it's not a consideration anymore. I live one bus stop from a hospital with a pharmacy that is quiet and private so i am hoping things will work out there.

Such a problem: the act of getting the meds to keep me healthy is itself so intensely unpleasant it makes me unhealthy. Ironic. Hoping i'll be able to transfer my pharmacy file with one phone call and then make one trip in to the new pharmacy for the one med i am running out of and never set foot in my old pharmacy again.

[QUOTE=Innerzone;7133017]Sorry to be so MIA lately. Just feeling overwhelmed by... well, everything. You know how it gets. It's usually a big sign of depression spiraling in. Just got out my lightbox. It's time.

But I did (miraculously) manage to force myself to deal with "desk stuff". Took all afternoon. Things were really piling up. I absolutely loathe dealing with that crap, though I do feel a little less squashed by it now.

Stayed in my jammies all day, but now put on some real clothes as I need to pick up meds and a bit at the grocery store. Procrastinating big time.

SOOOO many hugs going out. Lost many days. Sorry about that.

@christina~ Extra hugs. Sorry to not have been there for support at such a terrible time. You will come back out of this, step by step. I understand why you might *feel* so, but you are most assuredly NOT a burden. You are well-loved and we want you around for a good long time! [/QUOTE

Ahhh Thank you so much Do not feel bad at all. I'm glad you dusted off the light box ! Hope things get easier for you. Do you have any fun Fall things on the Horizon??? Much Love hun

I am "fighting" with my friend that I'm supposed to see tomorrow! Haven't seen him in years and already had to reschedule once. He wants to text me before he calls me but I said I won't hear a text if I'm asleep could he give me an approximate. No answer. He says he's emotionally exhausted. Maybe we shouldn't get together if he's "emotionally exhausted"??

Every little thing makes me fall apart. I try to hide what I'm going through from people, but then I eventually break down and feel bad afterwards, because it puts me in a position where I need to tell them. Then I feel guilty for putting my stuff on other people. I feel like a burden. I don't know why every little thing lately hits me so hard where I just start crying out of nowhere. Eventually I will push people away. The highs feel very high, but it doesn't last. I feel weak.

I'm so scattered and angry. I almost Luckily I distracted myself until h got home. I'm so destructive right now. I need to let H know but I don't want to own up to it. Why can't I just be normal? We leave in a couple of days and things are going to be worse. My mouth hurts but I don't have time to go to the dentist. They just pull teeth anyway. My case manager wants me to go to the dentist but covid.

Can I come over for dinner and dessert? I adore bread pudding and haven't had a nice roast beef dinner in ages.

Hubby and I need to turn off our outside water since it will soon reach freezing nights where we live. Like you, we also need to get rid of some outdoor flowers. Our petunias are already dead, and the rest will be soon with a frost.

I'm thinking I may stay home by myself instead of going with my family on the trip. I mean it's not a horrible idea. It'll give me time to stabilize. Just worry about myself. Find my calm. deal with myself. I don't know its not like they'll be able to drive home quickly if I flip ****. the idea of just dealing with me and my issues with no expectations sounds great.

This is it! I got about 2 hours sleep lol. I pulled out all the stops, Xanax, melatonin, listening to a sleep story…I fell asleep around 12:30am but was wide awake again by 3am. But it is what it is. I’m sure it’s what every bride goes through!

I was panicking of course thinking I’ll forget something but I made a pretty exhaustive list. I should have everything I need to get ready. If not my house is only 10mins from my SIL’s so it won’t be a problem. It’s not supposed to start storming until after the lunch is done.

Hugs to all those are struggling! I wish you all peace very soon.

Wildflowerchild, have a wonderful wonderful wedding day! Please savor the lovely symbolic and literal purpose of it. Congrats in advance to both you and RS. He's a lucky man, you know!

Are you planning any form of honeymoon? Either way, may you sleep like an angel in coming weeks with sweet dreams of wild flowers and butterflies.

I dreamed that I was on a bed watching tv. My sister was sitting next to me on a chair at the end of the bed and N3 was 2 again snuggling up to me and nursing. *Oh my heart!*

I hope your wedding day is going well!

I don't think my friend is coming. We had planned to get together for 2 weeks now. And he said he'd be here at 1 but he hasn't even left yet and he's not communicating with me. I guess you find out who your friends are!

EDIT: He now says he's "out in Port Huron with a client". So he's not coming I guess. Figures.

I hope everything goes beautifully and that you make wonderful memories. All the best

Very discouraged today. Sick of getting up so appallingly early in the dark and having nothing to do but drudgery. My life is empty. I took 3mg of Clonazepam and went back to bed. What exactly is it that i want to be wide awake for? Where is the pleasure? What am i living for? Inertia. I'm just going to wallow in food and make no effort at all. The world can go to Hell for all i care. I feel like i'm trapped in this very large pet that takes endless care and maintenance that i don't care about. All there is, is the endless care and maintenance without purpose.

I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I don’t have any words of wisdom but I am here to support you.

I’m having panic attacks about going to Atlanta and it’s making me drag my feet. This is coming from a girl who got on an airplane by herself and traveled alone to Russia for two weeks. Where is my backbone? Where is the spunk? What’s the problem? I’m even, gasp, thinking about canceling although it would do me a world of good. I’ll work on it. I’m getting mother and brother set up for the week today. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself and have too high expectations going in.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

Good news: the transfer of my pharmacy file to my new pharmacy went promptly and flawlessly! I was worried my old pharmacy would drag their feet as they were losing a customer. But no: presto change-o my file arrived almost immediately!

I am so happy about this! I got a good recommendation for the Walmart pharmacy at the mall i frequent so it's a lot more convenient. And they never seem to be busy. And they're more inclined to give generics so they are also cheaper!

So my meds are ready for pick-up and i bid a NOT fond adieu to the incompetence at my old pharmacy. Things will go better from here on out!

Aces!