Bipolar check-in #61

The appt with my breast specialist went well. We are going to recheck diagnostic Mammo in 6 months. She was very nice and I immediately felt comfortable with her. So I can push those worries away for now.

Cindy has moved her right toes numerous times, eyes fluttering open a few times. She’s not following verbal orders. She was triggering the vent so they took her off and thankfully she was able to breath on her own, but after a few hours fatigue caused them to put her back on it. They are slowly decreasing her fentanyl dose in hope she wakes up soon. Her surgeon said everyone takes different amounts of time. The critical care Doctor “ apparently “ is seeming more concerned. Which angers Steve that everybody isn’t on the same page. But who knows if “ Joe” ( her husband) is understanding info from numerous Doctors.

Her aneurysm happened Monday morning so it’s still early in this battle.

Today Steve is just not doing well at all. He’s terrified she won’t make it. He’s wanting to get down there.. hopefully soon.

We found out last night that his oldest son Ryan ( Payton’s Dad) and his wife are divorcing. She’s a alcoholic and has no desire to stop.

When I got home he was in a near panic so I had him take a walk with me. I reminded him that we have zero control over any of it.

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts. If anyone can continue I’ll be forever grateful

Hope everyone is doing well

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 Ugh! The heat has gone out in my car. I had to drive it in the freezing cold to get my elbow injection. I was like a popsicle when I got there. My car has only got 54,000 miles on it and it’s a Honda so it should go forever. Not looking forward to the potential cost to fix it but the market is bad for cars right now (price driven up). I was too scared to go to my drum circle last Tuesday. I think Monday though that I will go to a church event to make faith bracelets. Sounds like fun and I can wear a mask. I’m going to attend a 3 day conference starting tomorrow (virtual) called DreamBuilders Live. I’m looking forward to that. We adopted a dog yesterday. A Norfolk terrier mix. So cute and friendly. She has a problem with nervousness and stays attached to mom. That makes me happy. Mom hasn’t been the same since she lost her 18 year old Yorkie two months ago and then the cat last month. It’s good to see her happy. Things are going well with my mental health and with other things as well. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

The faith bracelet idea sounds so nice.

Congratulations on the new pup!

First, I want to thank you all from my heart and soul for the prayers and love for my kitty Sidney. It was a rough night, but I did what needed to be done and she is an angel, so gentle and cooperative. She's holding her own now, thank the Universe. Her vet should call later this afternoon - she probably needs an insulin reduction.

So we made it through. I didn't get much sleep, but I'll be okay.

Christina, it is frustrating and even dangerous when doctors aren't on the same page. I feel so sorry for Steve. Crappy situation - but moving her toes, etc. are certainly good signs. When my mom had a stroke she could not move anything, and she couldn't speak.

GREAT news from the breast specialist! Whew.


Nammu, good Lord, get those doors fixed! How scary.

Sapien, thank you for reminding me to care for myself. I had forgotten that part .

Jennifer, ugh...no car heat. I hope you are able to get that fixed soon. Or come here where we don't need car heat *rolls eyes*

Blue_Bird - give Miss M. a hug and kiss from me!

Md, I didn't know Prince was that tiny! How interesting.

Buddha, I hear you on the weight situation. You know...when are researchers going to come up with AP's that don't cause weight gain?! It's ridiculous.

Much love all around

I feel that my Winter depression has bottomed out. I've been getting flickers of pleasure the last week, listening to music, enjoying my ZOOM groups and getting back to Scrabble club. All good signs. I'm sure it isn't over yet, but it is improving!

@BethRags:

So sorry you had a tough night with Sidney but hopefully it has been a better day and you got some good advice from the vet.

@~Christina:

Grats on the good breast health news for yourself and some good signs for your sister-in-law.

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 I feel that my Winter depression has bottomed out. I've been getting flickers of pleasure the last week, listening to music, enjoying my ZOOM groups and getting back to Scrabble club. All good signs. I'm sure it isn't over yet, but it is improving! @BethRags: So sorry you had a tough night with Sidney but hopefully it has been a better day and you got some good advice from the vet. @~Christina: Grats on the good breast health news for yourself and some good signs for your sister-in-law.

Thank you so much, Jane.

What GREAT news! Oh, here's to an increase in flickers of pleasure

I did get to the grocery store once it warmed up to a balmy 25 degrees. I wish I had been able to go earlier because it was SO crowded. We are supposed to get a big snowstorm tomorrow night but I’ll believe it when I see it. They keep going back and forth because the storm keeps moving offshore and then back toward the shore and then off again. Anyway everyone was there panic buying since if it does snow significantly they won’t be able to do their normal weekend grocery run. I’m glad I took off work today because if I had to go at 4pm I would have never made it through without a panic attack.

I fell asleep in the am without even realizing it and then I fell asleep again in the afternoon. Cvs did have my meds ready though which shocked me.

Even when RS came home I was in such intense emotional pain I just laid on his lap and clutched a blanket. I kept telling myself it’s just an emotion and it won’t kill me but it was so deep, the pain was twisting around my heart and chest and all I could think about was SH to release it. I knew watching tv wouldn’t help so I finally just said I needed to go out. Anywhere. Out. RS was nice enough to take us to dinner at a restaurant we usually visit in the spring/summer as it’s right on the Delaware River. We go walking in the state park and then to this restaurant where they have outdoor seating. Clearly we did not eat outdoors nor walk in the park but it was a nice decent drive and brought back memories of summer and warmer weather. I’m doing better now.

Hi everyone.
I've been having a weird experience with my increase in Seroquel. I was prescribed an extra 100mg (now at 300mg) since my mood has been cycling where my depressions have been very dark and hard to climb out of. Now, I'm getting these symptoms where I don't know if it is the Seroquel increase, or if this would be happening regardless. I've been getting these bursts of energy where everything seems to be going much faster in my head, and it's like a high, but not in a drug-induced way. More of like a hypomania, I can take on the world kind of thing. I thought I'd be more knocked out on the higher dose, but I'm not sedated at all.

I feel very "up" and elevated at times, but then I'll cycle into these depressions. I even tried to take klonopin to take the edge off, and it does absolutely nothing now. That is new. But then something will trigger me, and I'll fall to pieces... crying like crazy, have dangerous thoughts... I'm all over the place. I haven't noticed the "up" feeling in a while though. I've been on much higher doses of Seroquel in the past, and I was really sedated. So I can't figure out if these high feelings are from the Seroquel or if it is the beginning of some sort of episode.

I understand where you're coming from completely. I am from NJ and been watching to see what this storm is going to do. It's so annoying going to the grocery store around these times.

Yeah I guess it changed track again overnight because now it’s really not looking good for central NJ where I live!

Hi xRavenx. It could be possible that your Seroquel increase played a part. Or your speculation that it could also just be coincidence may also be right. It's certainly possible that at the 300 mg level that it is working more as a moostablizer than at the lower doses. It is even said that at 300 mg and up, it's more of a moodstabilizer and less just a sleep aid.

Seroquel is a unique medication in that sometimes an increase or decrease can do the opposite of expected. It's worked that way for me many times. Even when it comes to side effects, sometimes I've had some on the same dose one year, than another year.

It is difficult, at times, to know if a med is a cause of a shift or other triggers. I mean, I can easily get hypomanic or manic at doses like the one I'm on now (550 mg). Then my doc would tweak it up a bit. Even at lower doses I might get depressed. The doc may then increase it (especially if agitation is involved) or decrease it (if more over sedation is involved).

I don't think I've ever thought Seroquel itself made me manic. Perhaps too low of a dose, or more likely, because of the alignment of the stars, so to speak. I have blamed other bipolar medications, though. Too much Lamictal can do it for me. I also think Abilify and Latuda either did nothing or encouraged past mood elevations.

My mood has dipped a little, lately. I'm bored. My Czech online lessons start one week from today. I'm not dreading them, but am also not looking forward to them. We'll see.

My dad's situation is depressing. His dementia is worsening. My sister told me that the assisted living is overlooking/neglecting certain things. Like my dad will need to have eight teeth extracted, plus a few filled. Apparently he hasn't been brushing his teeth for ages. He's not able to care well for himself and his level of care needs to be increased again. My sister even brought up what may happen when he passes. That will be a hassle. Anything inheritance related (if there's much left) is always stressful. My sister mentioned possibly buying my portion out, since a lot of it will be real estate and my brother may wish to remain at my dad's and she lives adjacent to it. She also suggested that she, my brother and I could just own it all together. The latter would seem ridiculous and unfair for me, unless I planned to move back to the US and build a house there or won the lottery and simply let it sit for my nephew to eventually inherit. The lottery thing won't happen. It's all unpleasant stuff to think about, though our grieving process for our dad started long ago.

The addition of Lyrica has seemed a real success. It's a small dose, but handled the agitation/irritability for which it was prescribed. And as I wrote before, my left foot pain seems to be almost gone. So far I give it an "A" grade.

I took the full 2 dose of ambien after days at 1 1/2. I slept wonderfully and woke actually refreshed. The dreams flew a way like a will-o-wisp. It’s nice having a full nights sleep. Just wish I could have also recalled my dreams. It flits on the edge of my awareness teasing me. Something about school I think?

I'm getting really frustrated with my visteriel and the hunger and weight gain side effect. I took an old ativan just now because I was about ready to call my doctor and expain things. I'll just toss out the visteril once my mom leaves. I put on about 7 pounds since Monday and I feel like I look horribe. I can't be on it until the 11th when I can get my valium refilled. I just can't.

I tried a decaf coffee from Starbucks today. It did not taste good and gave both my mom and I stomach aches. The weather is snowy and gloomy but I still do not feel as bad as I did last year. My birthday is next Friday and this time last year was awful. But I do feel better physically finally. I notice a diffrence in how my lungs feel.

I just took out my SAD lamp. I have not used it in a few years but I thought it might help. Its a pretty big one I got from a garage sale for $5

The lightbox seems to be starting to give me a migraine. Which is probably why I have not used it in a few years.

Edit: I threw out the vistereil. I tossed the pills out of the bottle so I couldnt get them out again. I'll just manage with the 2 valium and if I really need it, an ativan. That coffee though is giving me heartburn but I'm not really hungry currently. I don't know how bad combining valium with ativan is but it is not sedating and it does not make me hungry. It just gets my anxiety back to where it was 2 weeks or so ago. When things were normal with my mental and physical health.

My mom and my brother are eating at Sams Club and I wish they wouldnt. I always found that place to be dirty even as a kid. My mom doesnt seem to be taking into concern my current health issues.

I also don't understand how my massivly overweight brothers health and bloodwork is fine and he doesnt have anything to worry about while I am at a semi normal weight and my health and bloodwork sucks. He is over 2 years older then me too.

I took the second valium and my 20mil geodon just now. I feel kind of blah. Although its tough to tell what its from. My mom did some grocery shopping for me and got a few things.

I've gained 20 lbs since starting Haldol almost three months ago. It's starting to wear off, I can feel it because I can actually feel pleasure and although I'm still akathetic it's not as bad and I'm not suicidal over it anymore. My appetite has decreased from ravenous 24/7 as well. Unfortunately I'm not sleeping as well and paranoid thoughts are starting to come and go (but are not interfering with my functioning... yet). I'm kinda excited though to be done with this restlessness. If things go really South I still have PRN Thorazine. I refuse to take any medication that will cause significant weight gain so there goes most of the newer antipsychotics. I'm especially prone to akathisia so there goes most of the older antipsychotics and the rest of the newer ones. So my choices are basically insanity, obesity, or restlessness. If only they didn't screw up my Risperdal shot and give me delirium or maybe if the FOUR Lithium toxicities (one my fault) I've had were avoided I'd be A-OK as a Risperdal/Li combo was as close to perfect as I've ever had.

I found my magic drug Geodon when I was 14 in July of 2007 After severely struggling and in and out of the hospitals since March 2006. I was still in and out of the hosptals until December 2007 but since then its only been 3 times. I got incredibly close though in December 2020. I got super lucky I found the Geodon so quickly and its still working. Then the lamictal I was put on in 2014. So lamictal/geodon is what works for me and then a benzo of some type and I am fairly stable. Mainly I'm stable though as a result of my surgery since my main issue was always my PMDD and I had to go off my birth control to go on my injections.

Question for you MtnDewed: How could you (or your treatment team) tell you had PMDD and bipolar? Like, how did they separate the two? I've always wondered if I had PMDD in addition to bipolarity, but when I had my period it was too irregular to really tell what was PMS/possible PMDD and what was bipolar/PTSD stuff unless I tracked both my mood and my cycle of which I did neither. I guess it doesn't really matter now though, since I haven't had a period in four years. (Sorry if this was too invasive of a question)

I had my weekly therapy appointment scheduled today, but yesterday I cancelled. I wanted to be able to sleep without the pressure of having to be somewhere. Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep as much as I would have liked to. I sure hope tonight results in a good sleep, because I'm starting to run on empty.

Today is my husband's birthday, so he'll drop by after a while. My sister and BIL sent him a cute little gift - a writing pen that has a light and a magnifier on it. I'm giving him new socks. He'll never buy them for himself and he needs them.

Since David (husband) won't eat anything with sugar in it I celebrated his b-day myself by eating 3 macarons: 'birthday cake', pistachio, raspberry

I hope the rest of the day will be peaceful, and restful.

I'm hoping the storm doesn't hit too hard for those in its path!


Love all around

Just after saying i felt some improvement yesterday, my depression was just awful today. I emailed my doctor a request for Wellbutrin. It's time.

Sending good vibes to those effected by the Winter storm in the Northeastern US.

So if you watch the various news stations we could get just a coating or maybe a foot and a half of snow... but heavy winds are probably going to be the real problem. I saw them cutting trees on my walk today so we're definitely expecting power outages. Unfortunately I saw them cutting on the West side of the road, and I live on the East which is a different power grid and has a more woodsier, more winding/hilly road. They were not cutting trees on that side that I saw so if this storm is as bad as some say I'm going to be out of power for a bit.

When I was younger, the prospects of a storm such as the one you might be facing on the east coast would have been exciting. As long as I had groceries & electricity, I would have been content. Now that I'm older, though, the thought of 1-2' of snow is just exhausting. I hope you are all prepared & that your power stays on. Here's wishing you all the snow you desire, but no more than you can handle.

Cindy’s still not awake.The neuro surgeon pinched her this morning and her eyes opened. Her EEG isn’t showing seizure activity. No new bleeding on CT Scan but it shows a lot of damage in the frontal lobe where the aneurysm happened.. She’s pushing the window where there could be a meaningful recovery for “ most people “

The Doctors talked to Joe this afternoon about a DNR. Steve immediately got upset ( they did a 3 way call with his brother David) Cindy had made it clear that she never wanted to be just hooked up to machines when she had an aneurysm almost a 1.5 years ago.

So for now Joe isn’t going to sign anything. Nothing would change in her treatment anyway other than no heroic measures.

Steve is heading down tomorrow. We are holding out hope that she’s just needing more time to start to heal.

Thank you all for the prayers and good thoughts.

Anyone in the path of the storm stay safe and warm

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@~Christina:

I'm so very sorry there hasn't been any improvement in Cindy's condition and that the window of opportunity is closing. This must be a very sad time for you and Steve. My heart goes out to you!

Thinking of your and Cindy's family, Christina. If it's any consolation, when my aunt's boyfriend had his stroke it took him weeks for his initial symptoms to go away, but he's working full time with horses now (complaining about the "cold" in Florida to us in New Hampshire at that )

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 Just after saying i felt some improvement yesterday, my depression was just awful today. I emailed my doctor a request for Wellbutrin. It's time. Sending good vibes to those effected by the Winter storm in the Northeastern US.

Ugh, I'm so sorry. Wellbutrin is an excellent idea.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Cindy’s still not awake.The neuro surgeon pinched her this morning and her eyes opened. Her EEG isn’t showing seizure activity. No new bleeding on CT Scan but it shows a lot of damage in the frontal lobe where the aneurysm happened.. She’s pushing the window where there could be a meaningful recovery for “ most people “ The Doctors talked to Joe this afternoon about a DNR. Steve immediately got upset ( they did a 3 way call with his brother David) Cindy had made it clear that she never wanted to be just hooked up to machines when she had an aneurysm almost a 1.5 years ago. So for now Joe isn’t going to sign anything. Nothing would change in her treatment anyway other than no heroic measures. Steve is heading down tomorrow. We are holding out hope that she’s just needing more time to start to heal. Thank you all for the prayers and good thoughts. Anyone in the path of the storm stay safe and warm Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My prayers continue and I'm sending love.