Bipolar check-in #61

Oooo brrr 🥶

They say -40F with windchill tonight. I’m so glad I live in a time of tight houses and efficient heaters.

Last night I had an amusing little dream. I had a little singing plant for a child. looked a lot like a tiny lamp with a giant lampshade on it. There was drama of course as I then had a second “normal” child and the spouse hid the first child away in a tiny ghetto flat. I found her and brought her back and she and her sibling got along great and the three of us were happy.

I slept for 13 hours! All good, hard sleep, desperately needed. Frankly, I'd go back and sleep some more, but I don't want to become depressed, plus I have chores I want done. Nammu, maybe the Simply Sleep is helpful.

I'm all wound up because I have a therapy appointment on Friday, I so dislike the new clinic out there in nowhere land - and I am terribly afraid of seeing the "dumpster cat" again. I only hope and pray that someone is giving it food and water.

I think I will gather my courage and ask my therapist if there's anything we can do to soften the stark light in her office.

I'm still watching The Tudors series. Am I defective? I do think that Jonathan Rhys Meyers makes an excellent Henry VIII, but I find him so unappealing. Yuck. I'm still longing for the actors (and magnificent clothing and environment) in Versailles, but I'm embarrassed to watch it for the 4th time!!

I'm trying to get an earlier appt. with my pdoc, but so far no luck. I'm having a bit more anxiety than I'd like to - it all started with seeing that poor dumpster cat - now I'm finding the "old worries" seeping in. I'd like to increase the Zoloft and Gabapentin dosages so I'm more resilient and less like a leaf in the wind.

Ah, well. I'm off to mop my floor.

Peace and love all around

My mom dropped off Taco Bell for lunch for me around noon before going out shopping. I ate and then I fell asleep and I had my hat covering my eyes so when I woke up I thought I had slept until 5AM. But it was only 1 something. Then I fell back asleep until my mom got home at 3 something. I've been taking a lot of naps lately and my mom says its due to me not feeling good. She also thinks there may be more then one issue going on. Lungs, kidneys, gallbladder. Its been stressful. I had a job I wanted to apply for that I am about 98% sure I'd be hired for but I have to keep putting going back to work off.

I've had an annoying muscle ache by my upper left side of my chest and I'm really trying to ignore it because I don't want to go back to the ER. My doctor did tell me to go back if I got worse. The pain feels like I pulled a muscle in my chest or did some heavy lifting. I said in another post somewhere that I wish I felt the way I did 2 weeks ago. I felt healthy and now I feel like I'm falling apart physically.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Oooo brrr 🥶 They say -40F with windchill tonight. I’m so glad I live in a time of tight houses and efficient heaters. Last night I had an amusing little dream. I had a little singing plant for a child. looked a lot like a tiny lamp with a giant lampshade on it. There was drama of course as I then had a second “normal” child and the spouse hid the first child away in a tiny ghetto flat. I found her and brought her back and she and her sibling got along great and the three of us were happy.

That wind chill is bitter.

What a lovely and darling dream! It makes me feel happy.

Very depressed today at times. Right now. Before. Today was a good day to go to work though as a distraction. I’m feeling very blah, like disinterested in anything. Staring at the ceiling in silence seems to be a pretty good time to me.

My pdoc wants to see me tomorrow but I’d have to leave work early AGAIN. I mean not until 3pm when the kids are already gone but still. I could at least get a dr note for this one. But I really don’t want to ask my supervisor AGAIN to leave early, even if it is just a half hour. I’m checking in with my therapist again on Friday and right now I’m not feeling completely out of control aside from high SH urges and moderate SI.

I am getting something weird again, something that happened back in 2014. I was extremely depressed but I could interact with people appropriately briefly. AS SOON AS I wasn’t near someone I would get an image of SI, or something coming at me, or something like that. Recently it’s been things coming at me (and by things I mean vague attackers) but today during the staff meeting I saw myself getting up and smashing/throwing chairs several times. It’s a clear flash of an image, not just a thought. I mean the staff meeting was yet another explanation of how they’re going to micromanage us even further so it was annoying. But they’re all annoying and depending on how my mood is in general sometimes infuriating.

But yeah, last time the images in this capacity foreshadowed a looming hospitalization. In fact that was the exact hospitalization that convinced me to never, ever go off meds again because I got very paranoid as well. Thinking people were reading my mind and such.

I dunno, my regular appt with her is in just one week so I don’t know if it’s worth it.

Edit: my therapist said something interesting today as I was lamenting how I didn’t know what triggered this and it’s so frustrating. She pointed out it started right after our wedding and that it could be subconsciously trauma related from my first marriage. I don’t know, it’s definitely real but maybe it’s also my mind trying to test out RS still subconsciously, since we’re actually married and tethered now. She’s very smart.

Beth, for some reason that dream made me think of the children’s classics I read as a child. The silver skates, Call of the wild, White fang, black beauty, misty, Aesops fables, I had a whole bunch of classics that I loved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Very depressed today at times. Right now. Before. Today was a good day to go to work though as a distraction. I’m feeling very blah, like disinterested in anything. Staring at the ceiling in silence seems to be a pretty good time to me. My pdoc wants to see me tomorrow but I’d have to leave work early AGAIN. I mean not until 3pm when the kids are already gone but still. I could at least get a dr note for this one. But I really don’t want to ask my supervisor AGAIN to leave early, even if it is just a half hour. I’m checking in with my therapist again on Friday and right now I’m not feeling completely out of control aside from high SH urges and moderate SI. I am getting something weird again, something that happened back in 2014. I was extremely depressed but I could interact with people appropriately briefly. AS SOON AS I wasn’t near someone I would get an image of SI, or something coming at me, or something like that. Recently it’s been things coming at me (and by things I mean vague attackers) but today during the staff meeting I saw myself getting up and smashing/throwing chairs several times. It’s a clear flash of an image, not just a thought. I mean the staff meeting was yet another explanation of how they’re going to micromanage us even further so it was annoying. But they’re all annoying and depending on how my mood is in general sometimes infuriating. But yeah, last time the images in this capacity foreshadowed a looming hospitalization. In fact that was the exact hospitalization that convinced me to never, ever go off meds again because I got very paranoid as well. Thinking people were reading my mind and such. I dunno, my regular appt with her is in just one week so I don’t know if it’s worth it. Edit: my therapist said something interesting today as I was lamenting how I didn’t know what triggered this and it’s so frustrating. She pointed out it started right after our wedding and that it could be subconsciously trauma related from my first marriage. I don’t know, it’s definitely real but maybe it’s also my mind trying to test out RS still subconsciously, since we’re actually married and tethered now. She’s very smart.

Your post concerns me, wfc. I realize that you've had to take time off quite a bit lately. A very difficult situation, I'm sure. That said...I really believe that seeing your pdoc tomorrow is extremely important. I hope it all works out

Nammu, yes - your dream reminds me of those wonderful classics, too.

GRRRR....I'm so frustrated with my darn psychiatrist (again). Since taking the Gabapentin and Zoloft my anxiety has been so much lower. Manageable. I have been able to live life! But this past week I've had a higher level of anxiety...triggered by the new clinic location & the dumpster cat. But then more things started worrying me. I'm feeling apprehensive and concerned about starting to worry again. And I'm having odd dreams...paranoia. People stalking me, I'm having to hide or run away from a situation during the night so I'm not seen. Disturbing.

So. I called my pdoc's very kind nurse today and asked if I could raise my doses a bit. (The day of my last scheduled appointment, the pdoc had been out sick. My next appt. isn't until Feb. 8th.)

The nurse consulted with that darn doctor, who said she'd like to wait until our appointment to discuss dose changes and that in the meantime I should "practice" my "coping skills."

She means CBT. I keep telling her that CBT is just not very helpful for me. I've worked at it. It helps some situations a tiny bit. But I feel like I'm faking it, that CBT calls upon me to fake it.

Damn it. Ugh.

Well, if the anxiety is still up by Thursday I'll call again and be less polite and more insistent. In the meantime, tonight I'm just trying to remain objective. I've been reading about the history of the French monarchy in the 17th century. So much great art, literature, and music. Puts me in a different world.

Hugs to all

I was going to suggest that you consider using the dream as an inspiration for a short children's story. The illustrations would be cute, too.

I have derived great benefits from CBT. Perhaps the issues relate to the individual skills you've learned? There are so many.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I was going to suggest that you consider using the dream as an inspiration for a short children's story. The illustrations would be cute, too.

It would be a precious story!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I have derived great benefits from CBT. Perhaps the issues relate to the individual skills you've learned? There are so many.

Soupe, please tell me more...how has CBT benefited you? Which techniques do you use that most help? I feel like I'm missing the boat somehow.

I couldn't resist responding to this.

Did you know that -40 degrees is a special temperature? It is the exact temperature where Fahrenheit equals Celsius. -40F =-40C

That sure is one evil cold temperature! Both my father and husband's brother have special sayings for such a temperature.

My dad: "It's as cold as a witch's t*t in the Klondike." Actually, I think this is from my father's paternal grandmother. She was notorious for such sayings. Out of curiosity, I just googled this and apparently, some local New Jersey historian speculated on it at Origins of Cold as Balls and Cold as a Witch's Teet - Mr. Local History Project Everyone in my family lived in western NJ or right across the river in PA. If I had had children, they would know this, too.

B-i-l: "It's as cold as at 3 am at Kharkiv train station." Kharkiv train station is in Ukraine. Not sure of the exact origin.

Do you have any local sayings like this?

One more fact. At -44F the gas in a propane tank (such as for a gas grill) starts to cease vaporizing. They refer to that state as "boiling".

Hi Beth. I've been thinking how to start answering this. I'll just throw some things out there, if it's OK.

CBT is quite focused on Cognitive Restructuring. For this, a very useful tool is a Dysfunctional Thought Record (DTR). Lousy name, but truly one of my favorite tools. First, do look at the article at Examples of cognitive restructuring for some examples. For a DTR, a google of that will produce many. Though it takes some practice, we CAN use looking at things in a different way to help ease stress. It takes a push from ourselves, but we're worth it! Even my suggestion (the other day) that the cat you saw is managing well enough, and happy enough as it is. Truth is, a cat is an animal. A mountain lion is a type of cat that is not domesticated. Do you feel worried about a mountain lion being sad and incapable of caring for itself? I'm sure far less so. But really there's not a huge difference. Both struggle in nature a bit. That's reality, as it is for a deer. As a New Jerseyan, I saw dead deer along the road most weeks/days. I had a choice. Lament and cry at the sight of each? Or realize a certain reality of the situation. Not that I was happy about it, but I spared myself perpetual grief. Cats are actually less likely to get hit by a car than a deer. They're pretty savvy. If it hurts to see the cat, don't look for it. Yes, this tactic isn't good for everything, but for some things it is.

Situation visualization and planning is another tool I use with success. If I know some future situation will be anxiety-provoking, I view it in my head ahead of time in a successful light. "If he says this, I'll just breathe in, count to 3, and say or do that (rather than getting mad/upset)." Or figure other things I can do to prepare that help minimize anxiety. You, yourself, suggested such a thing by planning to ask for the uncomfortable light in the room to be adjusted. I am 98% sure that when you bring it up, a positive response will be taken. I fully understand the effects of light on mood. I've even written about it in the past.

Breathing techniques are ones I struggled with and even cursed, initially. But I eventually found value in them. Some coping tools are not "right" at some points, but are better at others.

Grounding techniques are very helpful. So are some DBT ones. Mindfulness is something I didn't fully comprehend, in the beginning. Now it's crystal clear. Every day I pick some positive things to focus on to push away/aside negatives. No need for the bad to have real estate in my mind. I try not to lament "wish I hads, should have dones, could have beens". Simple pleasures, in the scheme of things, are also more valuable than the few big ones in life.

Bipolar medications are crucial for me, but I swear they would only have a small bit of value, if I didn't take control of my thinking. Finding and maintaining this balance is crucial to my stability and happiness.

Perfection? Not possible! Easy? Not always, and that's OK! Struggle? Sucks, but it will ease. We're all human.

You and I are dancers, my friend, even if we don't wear toe shoes anymore. It's a beautiful thing to be. It's a form of communication. Whatever we can get out that gives relief. Many forms of communication can give psychological relief | My Journeys Beyond Bipolar Disorder

So I have another flat tire, just got one fixed last weekend. Basically all my tires have slow leaks. I need snow tires to reliably get up the access road to my ski hill that I have not been to at all this year despite multiple powder days because either I don't have a ride or I'm in the hospital. I was planning on going today but that's a no-go apparently. I've been stuck at home since I got back from the hospital and it is driving me insane. Can't even go on long walks because the roads are icy (and winding and hilly).

Basically I just want to leave, but I can't.

Minnesota’ans are notorious for understatement. Mostly it’s “wouldn’t be bad if the wind wasn’t blowing” “colder here than Alaska “. “It’s below out there” but I’ve heard the witches t I t saying too. But never the train station one. The new thing now days, it’s a polar vortex! It’s subzero. But those are new.

Survived the night today it’s gonna get up to the 20’s without windchill

I woke up really late at 8. I had to rush a bit. I had to shower because I had not taken one in 3 days. But I made it to my therapy appointment. I told her what was up with my health issues. I said "I'm not scaring you am I?" And she said "a little bit." I then had to reassure her what I had was not contagious and I specfically asked the nurse yesterday if it was ok to make my appointments and she said yes. My therapist said I participated well but that maybe I should have just stayed home because I was not feeling good. On my way out I heard her ask the receptionist where the lysol was.

The second I got home I got a call from my doctors office and I have an appointment with a kidney doctor on Tuesday. I'm a bit concerned at how fast I was able to get an appointment as a new patient. Often specialists are booked pretty far out these days. I wonder if they are that worried. My mom told me not to read so much into it. I have my ultrasound tommorow which took 2 weeks to set up.

But basically today I'm mostly just tired and headachy again. I called my Pdocs office and asked if they could help me out with my anxiety but I didn't explain the valium situation so all they said was "just take the vistereil."

I'm feeling a bit blah and I made some double noodle soup. I dumped the broth out because I didn't want the sodium. I ate most of the soup but I went to put the bowl on the table and I missed the table and the bowl fell. It was a childhood soup bowl from my grandma. She gave my siblings and I each one. All 3 have lasted more then 20 years. The handle fell off it and the top got chipped. I wonder if its still useable though. I just took some tylenol for my headache since that was part of my problem.

Oo just watched the noon news. They changed the forecast. It’s only gonna get to a high of 1F so they are making jokes that it’s “warmer “ today and above 0! Tomorrow supposed to snow so it will be warmer yet.

My dad's variation of the quote was always "It's colder than a witch's t1t wearing an iron bra". I did a little research and come up with a version utilizing a "brass bra" but the message is the same. lol

Not about weather, but another phrase my dad always used when he was annoyed with so many phone calls, he'd answer the phone with "Grand Central Station". lol

My dad was notorious for using phrases like that that you'd either scratch your head if they were commonplace and old, or if he just made them up as he went along haha.


Mom always said "It's hotter than blue blazes".

Alright, enough sayings from me for one day. Just thought I'd share a little from my part of the world :P I don't know where my family picked up the phrases if they aren't universal ones. My parents grew up in Indiana and Illinois respectively, but their family lived in Kentucky. It may not seem like there would be a major cultural change a state above Kentucky.. but let me tell you -- it's another world. lol. I actually grew up in an area of Kentucky where 20minutes by car the accent changed radically, so did the timezone. A place where you "knowed the 'maters would freeze, and you done had needed them cause you were fixin to start dinner(lunch) and supper(last meal of the day) was gon' be late." -- to this day saying and using improper participles/verb tenses is an issue for me. Things like "I should have went", or "I had saw" sounds so natural to my ears. It takes a lot to correct the mistakes you pick up from your community! Using the wrong form of irregular past tense verbs are luckily not a habit I picked up. That one does drive me mad sometimes.


It's always a fun thing to explain to people at parties. I have a rather odd accent because it's a mixture of my parents and my environment.

I’ve had a weird couple of days. Emotionally it’s been really rough at times. I’m feeling lots of feelings of regret and that my life has meant nothing. I have nothing to show for it and if I were to die, I think it would be more of a hassle to try to put together a service that appears like I had friends, or family or any impact on this world. For the record—I am NOT suicidal and I know my life isn’t over, but there is a significant amount of time lost and it’s concerning to me. I can’t do anything about that, and the future isn’t going to starkly change because I am aware of that fact.. but I hope I can put a dent in world that I others can say “He meant something to someone, and did something with purpose and cause.”. I don’t know if that’ll ever come though. But, here’s to being aware.

It's cold today. 25 F currently and it’s just gonna get colder. I’m ready for nicer weather. Let’s get through February quick. March it tends to warm up some and April/May is usually my favorite time for walking. I’m anxious to get back to it.

I was feeling bored and lonely so i went in my ZOOM support group with caution as i so disliked it the other day. But this day it was much better. I checked-in briefly and contributed another time and it made a difference, to participate rather than just listen. I said hi to a couple old friends. One asked about my dog which was very thoughtful so i put her on camera. I've been turning my camera on lately and it's better to see myself onscreen also, it's a much more robust experience and so what if i am not too pretty at the moment, it's not a crime against humanity.

@WindsThatBlow:

I feel unhappy about my unremarkable life sometimes too. But i just want to enjoy myself as best i can, which isn't very well at the moment since i'm depressed. I'm 55 and sad my life has amounted to so little but i was dealt a lousy hand and i've made the best of it and if i wasn't a rocket scientist or a civil rights leader or a stellar writer that's too bad but being a pleasant person and having a kind word for others also makes a difference.

I guess quite a lot can be said about how we treat other people.

I use the phrase "cold as a witches tit" a lot. I said it the other day in the "are you currently hot or cold" thread in the coffeehouse part of the site. I learned it from the movie Grumpy Old Men when I was 15.

My mom who got it from my grandma would say "its colder than molasses in January."

Then during the summer she would say "its hotter than blazes"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hi Beth. I've been thinking how to start answering this. I'll just throw some things out there, if it's OK. CBT is quite focused on Cognitive Restructuring. For this, a very useful tool is a Dysfunctional Thought Record (DTR). Lousy name, but truly one of my favorite tools. First, do look at the article at Examples of cognitive restructuring for some examples. For a DTR, a google of that will produce many. Though it takes some practice, we CAN use looking at things in a different way to help ease stress. It takes a push from ourselves, but we're worth it! Even my suggestion (the other day) that the cat you saw is managing well enough, and happy enough as it is. Truth is, a cat is an animal. A mountain lion is a type of cat that is not domesticated. Do you feel worried about a mountain lion being sad and incapable of caring for itself? I'm sure far less so. But really there's not a huge difference. Both struggle in nature a bit. That's reality, as it is for a deer. As a New Jerseyan, I saw dead deer along the road most weeks/days. I had a choice. Lament and cry at the sight of each? Or realize a certain reality of the situation. Not that I was happy about it, but I spared myself perpetual grief. Cats are actually less likely to get hit by a car than a deer. They're pretty savvy. If it hurts to see the cat, don't look for it. Yes, this tactic isn't good for everything, but for some things it is. Situation visualization and planning is another tool I use with success. If I know some future situation will be anxiety-provoking, I view it in my head ahead of time in a successful light. "If he says this, I'll just breathe in, count to 3, and say or do that (rather than getting mad/upset)." Or figure other things I can do to prepare that help minimize anxiety. You, yourself, suggested such a thing by planning to ask for the uncomfortable light in the room to be adjusted. I am 98% sure that when you bring it up, a positive response will be taken. I fully understand the effects of light on mood. I've even written about it in the past. Breathing techniques are ones I struggled with and even cursed, initially. But I eventually found value in them. Some coping tools are not "right" at some points, but are better at others. Grounding techniques are very helpful. So are some DBT ones. Mindfulness is something I didn't fully comprehend, in the beginning. Now it's crystal clear. Every day I pick some positive things to focus on to push away/aside negatives. No need for the bad to have real estate in my mind. I try not to lament "wish I hads, should have dones, could have beens". Simple pleasures, in the scheme of things, are also more valuable than the few big ones in life. Bipolar medications are crucial for me, but I swear they would only have a small bit of value, if I didn't take control of my thinking. Finding and maintaining this balance is crucial to my stability and happiness. Perfection? Not possible! Easy? Not always, and that's OK! Struggle? Sucks, but it will ease. We're all human. You and I are dancers, my friend, even if we don't wear toe shoes anymore. It's a beautiful thing to be. It's a form of communication. Whatever we can get out that gives relief. Many forms of communication can give psychological relief | My Journeys Beyond Bipolar Disorder

Thank you, thank you, Soupe! I've taken in every word you've written. I have to get some book business work done now, but I'm going to read the articles you have posted, then reply to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien So I have another flat tire, just got one fixed last weekend. Basically all my tires have slow leaks. I need snow tires to reliably get up the access road to my ski hill that I have not been to at all this year despite multiple powder days because either I don't have a ride or I'm in the hospital. I was planning on going today but that's a no-go apparently. I've been stuck at home since I got back from the hospital and it is driving me insane. Can't even go on long walks because the roads are icy (and winding and hilly). Basically I just want to leave, but I can't.

UGH to flat tires. I'm so sorry, Sapien. Any kind of car trouble is beastly. I wish I could transport you here for a day so you could walk in the sun (but chilly air) in the wilderness.