Bipolar check-in #61

My second valium is still working although I'll need the 3rd one in a bit. I feel super fat like I am retaining water and my pants are not fitting right. I took some pictures and I look huge compared to 2 days ago at the same weight. So I'm not sure what is up. When I first got kidney issues in 2014 while being taken off my lithium my primary was being a real asshole about allowing me to see a kidney doctor and at one point she called my house and wanted me to see her the day of the appointment before I saw him. I'm not sure why. Then she ended up cancelling that appointment and just allowing me to see him. But at one appointment I voiced my concerns about water rentention and she told me I was just fat. Yeah you really get stuck with the quacks when you are on medicaid. And everything was just based off bloodwork. She never sent me over for Xrays or CT scans the way my non medicaid doctors do now. If the bloodwork was ok and sometimes it wasnt and she wouldnt tell me, then it was just my anxiety according to her.

Now my non medcaid primarys are like you need to see a kidney doctor for sure. What is going on is not normal.

I'm not sure why but my meds seem to have gone straight through me including the 3rd valium and my tylenol. I'm not sure how that is even possible. I drank a pitcher of iced tea but it was decaf.

Basically right now I just feel kinda blah and anxious and I had to put on my stretchy gym shorts on because my pants were digging into me. I'm just trying to relax. I want to eat some soup for dinner despite the sodium.

Edit: I took another tylenol. I think I'm handling those ok I've had 3 today. I also took my 20mil geodon. I feel decent right now. Although my head still hurts mainly behind my eyes and every time I blink the room spins. But overall my anxiety is better then it was 45 minutes ago and the anxiety is what I can't handle. I can handle massive headaches and vertigo. But even the slightest bit of anxiety drives me off the edge into a panic and I just cant handle that.

I feel like stabbing myself in the forehead with a fork to release the little bugs that are in my in brain that are causing so much pain. That really did happen to some kid a couple decades ago. Check Snopes. I know parasites in your brain can happen with undercooked pork but I don't even remember the last time I ate pork.

@Sapien:

I'm so sorry Sapien.

I felt that way for most of yesterday too. I even called a crisis line. I cried twice, sobbed actually.

I don't know if this will help you, but what helped *me* feel better today was being more active and getting things done. It started when it was warm enough to take my dog out and two of my young neighbors were out and it made me happy to see them and their dogs.

Then i did three trips-worth of recycling that's been hanging around. Then i did some minor dog-grooming. Then i tidied the bathroom counter and washed the cup, sink, faucets, counter and mirror in preparation for having workmen in soon. Then i did some minor self-care. Then i did a few dishes that have been hanging around, mocking me.

It felt good to observe my obligations to my dog and to get a few things done to fight off the feeling of helplessness that engulfed me yesterday.

Anyways, that's what worked for me, but i'm surely no expert in managing emotional pain. Hope you get some relief soon!

Quote:

Originally Posted by iTeach123 I’m new here and I hope I do this check in right I have bipolar 2 and am currently on nothing for it. I took myself off of my meds a year ago because they weren’t helping me and my psych hasn’t put me back on them. I’ve been rapid cycling the last 6ish-9 months. I got some bad news on 2 Thursday's ago (the 20th) and it immediately threw me into a low mood. I called into work for 3 days, I laid in bed and did absolutely nothing but cry. This past Friday, the 29th I noticed I was moving and talking really fast. I haven’t slept well, I’m forgetting to brush my teeth, eat, shower, everything because I make myself so busy constantly. I’m spending lots of money in just 3 days, and I’m starting the risky parts…. I’ve worked so hard at trying to help myself and this just feels like a kick in the face. I truly wish I could just feel normal. I’m constantly hypomanic or depressed; right now I’m full manic. I see my psych doc on the 8th. How do I tell her I’m ready for meds for this? Because I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. My roommate and I aren’t getting along; partially due to my short temper but she is just so negative and throws me into my episodes sometimes. She is a trigger. She is just like my mom who I am trying to leave behind as she is so so so bad for me…

Welcome to the Bipolar Disorder board.

As for your pdoc...tell her you are ready for meds. Then explain why.

I've been struggling a lot with motivation lately but I was able to get myself to take the trash and boxes out to the dumpster today. And I did dishes, cleaned some of my bathroom, and swept and mopped my kitchen floor. Plus I found my airpods, my cat batted them underneath my side table, I was looking for them for days wondering how they could have just vanished. So now I can listen to podcasts and music again.

My therapist and care manager are helping me with trying to get a part-time job. I'm hoping to get a job at the local library shelving books or something like that, something that's low stress and not requiring being around lots of people/socializing a lot.

Trying to get back on a better sleep schedule, lately I've been sleeping from like 2am till 1pm each day, so I need to fix that. I don't know if I was depressed or what the past few months but my ,motivation has been severely lacking and I have been sleeping a lot and having trouble leaving the house due to anxiety.

@Blue_Bird:

Seems like we both rediscovered our motivation on the same day! It feels good to get things done, doesn't it? I think it's Winter that's been sapping my motivation. But hopefully i'll note well how being active revived me today and it won't be so hard. The forecast is good for the next three days so things should be easier.

Yes it does feel good I always feel better when I'm being productive and getting things done. Sometimes I get in a kind of rut though and it's difficult to do anything, and the longer I go without doing things I need to the harder it gets to even start. I hope you continue to feel good and motivated I'm not sure what was causing my problem, could be winter, could be how isolated things have been during the pandemic, I kind of get used to just being in my room doing nothing, and because everything takes too much energy (showering, chores, etc). it's hard to want to start. Hopefully this lasts

I am coughing like crazy and I am so out of breath. Its early but I am in bed in shorts and a tank top with a Vicks patch. I'm almost wondering if I have asthma or something. I hope I'm not allergic to my cats. I cant rehome them especially the orange one. I have had him for 4 years and he still is wary of everyone but my mom. But its like if your cats are making you sick what do you do? I already sleep with my door shut at night. But I just need to get through tonight because I don't want to go to the ER on a sunday night. Going on Monday at 11AM was a breeze. But no way am I going on a sunday night. So I just hope this breathing thing passes and that no aliens are in my house in the morning.

I have fallen off of the wagon.
love the taste of alcohol but it is not good for me.
bizi

Hey hey my friends

Steve left for Florida this afternoon instead of last night. He was just to tired yesterday. Stress of all this is really hitting him hard. He got really good sleep last night. Not sure how long he will be gone.

Cindy opened her eyes twice when prompted so that’s great news !

I’m sorry I haven’t been responding and offering support to all of you. I hope that I can get back to that very soon I just can’t find words right now. But all of you are in my thoughts.

Much love

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So depressed and some suicidal thoughts. I have been in a major depression since November 18th the day my wife of 23 years passed away.

So sorry to hear that otroo . Please accept my condolences 💐

Thank you I appreciate it.

Oh, @christina! The fact that you're worrying about folks speaks well of you, but you have a lot on your own plate right now. It's our turn to offer you support. I'm glad your s-i-l is showing signs of improvement, but I hope you don't worry too much now that steve is in Florida. Please take care of yourself.

@bizi, don't sweat falling off the wagon, but don't fall too far off. You were doing so well! Good luck!

@otroo, I think it's perfectly natural that you're grieving the loss of your wife. Please reach out for help when you need it. It might take a long time to regain even a little equilibrium after the shock you've been through. Make sure the thoughts stay thoughts. Your family needs you.

Post when you are up to it.
(((((HUGS)))))
bzi

@otroo, grieving is extremely hard. Things will get a little less painful with time. I'm sure your wife would want you to get well. So sorry for your loss!

@bizi, I second what buddha1too wrote. And often it takes many tries. Persistence is key. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

@~Christina, great news about Cindy! It's such an encouraging sign. I assume she's a fighter. She has a lot to look forward to moving near you and Steve.

The heater keeps going out. At least it's a balmy 21F out.

Still no ride so no skiing today.

I'm thinking of ditching my friend and therapist Wednesday, but I really need both right now.

Honestly don't even want to go skiing because of these side effects. What if I have a muscle spasm in a no fall moment?

Hubby and I made it to the ski resort in Austria. As we approached in the afternoon it started to snow. It's supposed to snow here every day, all day, until Friday. Not the greatest ski conditions for Hubby, but it will be a winter wonderland. Surely not as bad as in my native New Jersey where the nor'easter winds wrought havoc.

We have half board at the hotel, but Hubby was too tired to go to dinner. Instead, we ate leftover Chinese food from lunch in our room. We found a great REAL Chinese restaurant en route, in an Austrian town. Czech Republic is nearly devoid of them, having mostly Vietnamese, and not Chinese, restaurants. Hubby is sleeping and it's only a bit after 7:30 pm as I write this.

Just woke up from a nap. Had a bad headache most of the day. I'm doing better now. Hope everyone is having a good day.

I'm doing pretty good today. Now that the visteril is out of my system my hunger is low again and I'm back to under 170. We are supposed to get pummled with snow in the next few days. This is not the first time my birthday has been snowed out. It seems its either snow or The Super Bowl that messes things up. But basically I've had the TV on all day. I drank a large grape powerade zero and all those electorlytes got me feeling better. Plus I had soup and hot tea. I see my kidney doctor tommorow at 9:30AM and I hope I won't even have to sit on the exam table. With my endocronoglist I just sit on a bench and we just talk. I'm hoping this is the same thing. So once I got the full amount of valium back and the visteril gone and my weight lowered, I feel much better mental health wise. But still a bit iffy physically. Not like before though.

I'm headachy and coughing again. It seems to be a nightime thing. At least these last 2 nights. My headache is radiating from my my head to my nose to the right side of my neck. I took my melatonin and my geodon so maybe that will do something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Hey hey my friends Steve left for Florida this afternoon instead of last night. He was just to tired yesterday. Stress of all this is really hitting him hard. He got really good sleep last night. Not sure how long he will be gone. Cindy opened her eyes twice when prompted so that’s great news ! I’m sorry I haven’t been responding and offering support to all of you. I hope that I can get back to that very soon I just can’t find words right now. But all of you are in my thoughts. Much love Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wonderful news! Much love to you, too

I stayed relatively active today and felt the better for it. I took a shower, took my dog out, went out to the mall for brunch and got groceries. Home, i played Scrabble just to pass the time and watched news. Still can't tolerate my soaps but i guess it's no great loss.

@~Christina:

Great news about Cindy and take all the time you need to care for yourself. We'll still be here!

So lots been going on. I'm now vegetarian. My parents are down for the winter. I don't think I'm doing the best. Still I stopped doing anything.

Working on finding a balance between this new romance and my many responsibilities. It’s tough sometimes. Definitely not complaining. It’s just a challenge.

I’ll be meeting M halfway this weekend to visit. Looking forward to that. There’s so little to look forward to socially since the virus is surging here. I’m cancelling event after event. Getting sick of it. I did attend a 3 day virtual DreamBuilder Live event this weekend. That was inspiring.

I don’t remember if I mentioned but my 86 year old mom lost her 18 year old dog 2 months ago and her cat one month ago. She is such a pet lover that she started going downhill rather quickly. I took her Friday to adopt a Norfolk Terrier mix and it’s breathed new life into her. So happy for her. I don’t like dogs but this one is a good fit. I can handle it.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful day.