Advice needed on having bipolar

So just spoke to my therapist. She says I'm still in denial regarding diagnosis of bipolar. I'm ready to cry. She says I need to decide on what I want from life. Says I am the only one with the answers. I'm sorry I'm a liability I just don't know what to think at the moment. My Psychiatrist says I'm ill but I don't see it. He says I was sad yesterday again I don't see it. Why can't I just see it. Why can't I just accept it and move on.

Will I ever be able to accept it and move on or am I doomed. I feel like crying I'm in a tizz. I thought I had it all figured out but I don't.

This is a vent/a cry for help/advice needed....

I know you all hate me on here for being sn attention seeker I get that. But I am not looking for attention. I'm looking for peoples opinions on how they overcame the denial the shame the guilt of being diagnosed with Bipolar.

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

Hey @Miss Laura

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I don’t have any negative feelings towards you, especially not hate.

It’s really difficult to accept something, especially like a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

The way I came to accept was that I looked at the evidence and I wrote it down. I wrote down my real feelings and tracked them. How did medication change things, what happened when I came off my meds after i had been stable for a few years (it wasn’t good).
My horrible depressed phases when my outlook on life reduces to a big black pit. I see no way out of it, except taking my own life. It’s horrible.
Then I have these phases where I do silly risky things, I spend too much money (I spent over £1000 on sex toys and lingerie last episode which was pretty good for my evidence list).

The difficulty is being honest with yourself before trying to justify or rationalise anything to anyone else.

This is your journey, not anyone else’s.

As for the shame, I’m sorry I can’t help with that as I am plagued with shame about my diagnosis. I’m working on it.

Warm wishes @Miss Laura

Thanks my Therapist, says to write a list as I'm good at writing lists so she says to write it all out. I just can't get my head around the whole thing. I have been diagnosed 12 years this year you think I would understand now huh

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

Hi 👋

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through.

I cried when I first learned that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I didn't want it either. The Psychiatrist didn't even tell me. I read it in his emailed invoice from our online session.

I saw a different Psychiatrist and he confirmed the diagnosis.

Society likes to use Bipolar as an insult to people who are frustrating them. It's really traumatizing to have it attached to yourself. So, it's understandable that you would want to avoid it. It took me a while to accept it, and I still question it, but deep down, I had suspected it for years before being diagnosed.

It's a very difficult diagnosis to come to terms with.

Hugs

Hi Miss Laura,

I agree with Pinny that the difficulty can be being honest with yourself before trying to rationalize or justify anything to anyone else.

Do you feel as if your therapist was being patronising with the statement she made?

Have you ever tried journaling? I'm guessing this suggestion has been made before (possibly ''many'' times, idk). That could be a ''safe'' space to write down (or type etc) exactly how you are feeling without fear or feeling of any judgment from anyone else. And then if necessary you could ''delete''/''rip up'' etc. what you've written which could in itself be somewhat therapeutic?

I have never observed ''hate'' from anyone on here towards you, I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I don’t hate you. But I think trying to figure this out in an unmediated state is impossible. Work with your doctors and Therapist find a med combination that stabilizes you, then work on accepting the diagnosis. I do worry that you are going to end up getting treated against your will if you continue to not take any meds. On here you are deteriorating steadily.

Hey, no I dont feel she was patronising. I didn't take up that way at all.

Yeah I get bored of journalism daily or weekly. I just write notes on my phone when the notion takes me and take it from there.

Sorry I just thought you were all sick of me and my posts hence not talking much on here of late

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

Hey there,

I really wish I could see the deterioration I just see me being me "fine". My Psychiatrist I don't see for another 3 months. I see my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) for the last time next week and my Supoort Worker the following week when I'm due to get my Depot Injection. I'm trying to come up with a solution but to no avail.

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

I feel as if .... for some people in some areas... the treatment team want them to say they are ''fine''..... and maybe for some ''patients'' they have internalized that and so not only do they say they are ''fine'' they actually feel that way when they are questioned.

I think some people shut down during therapy sessions, psychiatrist appointments etc, shut down their ''emotions'' for example. idk I could be completely off base here.

How long does the psychiatrist give you every 3 months?

If I'm lucky 5 mins but yesterday he gave me 12 mins lucky me. Its a video call so I can see the time. He seems to know my history though. My CPN and Worker write notes in my file for him

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

Took me a long time. I feel like a calm person. Bipolar I cannot possibly be manic? Just happy. I used to be super depressed, but I'm seeing it now. My mania makes me the risk taker I am.

Give it time you'll eventually come to accept it. I used to argue with the psychiatrists it took 3 for me to get it through my head. And years lots of years but I accept it now just learning to live with it.

Right I have decides to keep taking my depot injection which I get next Thursday. But refusing the Depakote.

I was telling a friend and explained the reasons why I stopped and she's essentially said I need to rethink my actions or I will end up in the hospital.

I understand I'm ill to a point. But to me it's the lack of sleep it's currently 3:15am here I've skeot 3 hours and I'm wide awake! 10th night in a row I have had 3 or under hours. I don't think I have racing thoughts or anything. I feel good

I'm seeing my CPN today in under 12 hours. Unsure what I'm going to say to her. I've written a lost but I don't really want to admit to anything. I'm a little bit embarrassed.

I think there is a part of me starting to believe I have bipolar just cause the Psychiatrist hasn't said another diagnosis (btw I'm unsure what I have if it's not bipolar). But it's a very slim part of me. My head is stoll saying they are all lying.

I think cause I have insight into what's going on people don't take me seriously. But cause I know what I am doing is wrong yet still do it people think I'm a liability. When I'm not I just want to feel again.

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

Without meds I never would have accepted it.

Saw my CPN today. She says I need to learn to accept it. But I can't get my head around it. She says if I get ill I will go into the hospital. She says the funny thing is I'm well enough to have insight but not as well as I think I am. She was saying if I end up in the hospital and get a compulsory treatment order slapped on me.... I will be recalled to the hospital if I miss my injection even once. I'm scared. What can I do I just can't accept it for some reason.

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

I don't hate anyone (certainly not you!) - except a landlord I had 35 years ago. He was a real ba*tard.

I completely agree with Nammu.

Maybe I’m in denial still after ten years but I still accept medication . I know I have psychosis that recurs intermittently and it needs to be treated but when it comes to moods I’m not convinced I’m bipolar. I think it’s a diagnosis of convenience because while something is wrong idk what and they don’t know what. From what I recall you also get occasional psychosis…in my case I’m only on antipsychotics which also treat the “bipolar”. Psychosis is dangerous untreated but I’ve never had a dangerous mood in the absence of psychosis therefore I treat the psychosis but there is also a factor of APs helping bipolar so I may have it but it’s treated. I still think I have some sort of medical condition possibly autoimmune but I have no proof of that and until I do, treatment will continue as normal. So you don’t have to accept bipolar so much as the dangerous aspects like psychosis. Accept a small part not the big package and you’ll still be able to get help.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

My CPN and Therapist have both said I'm self sabotaging but I don't understand why. Why I'm doing it or why I'm like this. This isn't the 1st time they have said this they say it literally every time I'm off my meds.

Anyone ever been told this? Felt like this? Or have tips to not self sabotage?

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Laura My CPN and Therapist have both said I'm self sabotaging but I don't understand why. Why I'm doing it or why I'm like this. This isn't the 1st time they have said this they say it literally every time I'm off my meds. Anyone ever been told this? Felt like this? Or have tips to not self sabotage? Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

How many clinicians have diagnosed you with bipolar?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just my Psychiatrist my CPN and Support Worker both confirmed I have it. My support group says I have it as I display the signs of it. I've had 7 different Psychiatrist since my original one diagnosed me. They all confirm it

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Laura Just my Psychiatrist my CPN and Support Worker both confirmed I have it. My support group says I have it as I display the signs of it. I've had 7 different Psychiatrist since my original one diagnosed me. They all confirm it Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

So wouldn’t you say they are probably right !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I guess, but telling my head that isn't that easy. I can't get it through to myself I have bipolar. No matter what I say

Sent from my SM-G980F using Tapatalk

This is very true. I wouldn’t have accepted it until I went off meds and started to remember what landed me there in the first place and this was only two weeks ago for me. I know the denial and it can be powerful. It’s a crappy diagnosis Miss Laura, I hope it gets easier for you.

I have struggled with this since the beginning. I was diagnosed spring of 2017 and there is still this part of me that doesn't want to believe it. I think it must be some less-rational part of my mind, because there's really nothing else to explain why I do what I do. Intellectually I know, but deeper down there's this doubt. I mean, my therapist only really knows me from what I say and for small slices of time. There's always the chance we got it wrong.

About a year ago I had a pretty intense episode. At the time I became obsessed with knowing if I have it or not. I was watching videos and reading incessantly. It's all I was talking and thinking about. All while I was questioning if I actually had it. My point is, I was deep in the thick of it, feeling energetic and spunky, happy and fine, but obsessed, among other symptoms, bent on figuring out if I really had it. It's so crazy thinking of the fact that I was exhibiting many signs of it, while trying to figure this out, and it was only recently that I realized all of this.

It looks different in everyone, but there are trends. Over the last year I have tried to learn about it (not so obsessively as before) and be more mindful of myself and moods to defeat that part of myself that refuses to accept it fully, because the evidence shows my life has gone from its downward trend pre-meds, to the upward one it has been on since.

Just keep in mind, you can find yourself in the eye of the storm where things feel great and the sun is out, but those around you can sometimes have a better sense for what is going on. The illness itself can play tricks and cloud your mind, and make reality very difficult to see clearly.

Me? I stopped denying it when I could no longer function or keep a job. It's pretty normal to want to deny it but it makes things worse in the long run.

Embrace the madness.

No. Not at all. I know my own body. I'm not stupid.