Bipolar check-in # 66

Oooo Beth you were with Van Gogh! What a great Person to share a dream with!

Have a dentist appointment today, actually have 3 dentist appointments this week. Sucks. Two of them are for fillings and one of them is for a root canal. This is my own fault though for having used to purge due to my eating disorder, I really screwed up my teeth.

Mustachio had her last dose of pain meds yesterday morning. She seems to be doing well. She woke me up this morning purring and cuddling with me. That’s the best way to wake up.

I also am meeting with my care manager today to fill out the part-time job application for the library. It will be my first job. The only time I ever really worked was a temp job for 2 weeks when I was like 19. But I ended up having to get on disability eventually because of my bipolar/schizoaffective getting bad (it started when getting bad when I was 14). So if I get this job it will be my first real job. That’s embarrassing to admit because I’m 28 but I just was never stable enough to even work part-time, was always in and out of the hospital, but now I am and I definitely want to see how it goes.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day

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Managed to get a month of colestipol filled and picked up. It cost me $30 I couldn't afford, but at least it wasn't $50 I couldn't afford? Greatest health care system in the world, right? Pfizer gets their money, I get a one month reprieve and nothing is solved in the long term. At least my stomach is starting to get back to normal.

Speaking about long term, something's gotta give financially. Either my former employer has got to stop fighting giving me unemployment (They're on the hook for a couple grand at this point.), SSI/SSDI becomes a immediately viable option, I win the lottery, or I get good, close and stable employment (That is not hard labor, because, you know, blood clots?) very soon.

If I can get some regular cash flow coming in, I can at least try and address some of these health issues. Just an aside, I've had more than one person this past week tell me the old pre-Obamacare canard, "Just go to the ER if you don't have insurance!" The ER plugs holes. They don't manage chronic ailments. If a chronic ailment (like say blood clots in the brain) becomes a "hole" to plug, the cost of treatment just became exponentially higher. Stroke treatment and rehabilitation is more expensive than an MRI and some statins, but one wonders, is this a bug or a feature? I know this: It's not long term thinking.

I have a big packet from the law firm I'm exploring SSI/SSDI with. I'm going to open it up and go over it with them on the phone. I'm also going to see if I can something for my cat's stomach. She been puking more often lately. Apart from the hairballs, no other signs of distress. She's older, so I'm going to see about special diets, and any extras I can giver her to calm her stomach. I have a therapy appointment, where (Story of my life nowadays) I've got to talk finances. Basically, figure out an arrangement where I can keep seeing him and he gets some portion of money. Finally, the lawn. I've been putting it off, but if I let it grow any further, I won't be able to address it. I just have to decide how to do that. Fun day.

I. Feel. Horrible. I got sick after eating a chicken skewer on Saturday night and I’ve been extremely nauseous with intestinal distress since then. I don’t know if it’s food poisoning or my general GI distress x1000. My boys didn’t get sick from the chicken but I do seem to remember picking the skewer that I thought was cooked but it maybe wasn’t thoroughly thinking at least it’ll be me who gets food poisoning not my boys so maybe I was right! Ugh I wish I had zofran or something to stop the intense nausea. I can’t even eat plain brown rice or saltines without nausea.

I’m supposed to work my second job today but I’m almost certain that’s not happening. I wish I had Gatorade but I literally can’t leave the house! There’s a convenience store 3 minutes away but I can’t be sure they have it and I can’t take the chance of driving, especially if they don’t.

Anyway I officially resigned from my job today but my boss said my contract is through the summer so he’s not going to say anything just yet, that way I’ll still get my summer pay and I’ll have the chance to change my mind and return. He’s very nice.

I’m not sleeping well and it’s catching up with me. I also can’t shake this respiratory illness I brought home from Florida (it’s been 9 days). I agreed to take a COVID test today and call the doctor about the congestion in my head and lungs. Mom tearfully told me she couldn’t handle losing 2 children. I felt bad. It’s not like I brought this on myself or asked for it.

Grieving is a tough gig. I made it to 4:00 yesterday before I couldn’t take anymore and wanted to curl up in a little ball. Progress I think. One day at a time. One minute at a time some days.

Today we’re taking mom to the movies and eating out. I think I may try to go float. I’m really not feeling well in a lot of ways. The Zoloft has unpleasant side effects but it is working to help take the edge of.

The street that connects our neighborhood to the main thoroughfare is closed today from 8-4 for paving. What a pain. Instead of 1 mile to get to the CVS for the COVID test, I’ll have to drive 5 miles the back way through a maze of roads.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Last night was tough. I was a bit heavy on the melatonin and way way too low on food. I got a little bit less then 4 hours of sleep. Then I was up for a lot of the night after midnight but I managed a bit more sleep around 2:30. But I was so anxious because I was hungry. I couldn't fix anything in the microwave though because my mom was sleeping in the living room. I ate an Oreo and a donut though. Finally I got back to sleep a bit more at 5 and I woke up at 6:15 and at 9 I went to Taco Bell and got a crap ton of food. And yeah, I for sure needed to eat. I feel so much better now. I had a cheesy roll up, a gordita crunch, a burrito supreme, and chips and cheese dip. Plus a medium fruit punch Gatorade. But actually eating something is what I needed to help me. I've barely eaten in days. My gallbladder seems ok from everything.

My nephews are still over. My sister and brother in law left early this morning and my sister just texted and hasn't heard from the plumber yet. She has her appointment in a bit so I'm not sure whats going on at the moment.

Update: As of now my nephews are still here. My sister made it to her appointment ok. The plumber is just getting to their house. No clue how long it will take. I still have more Taco Bell left for dinner. The other day someone supposedly leaked an episode of Seasme Street from the 70's that was pulled for being too scary. I had been following the story for years so I spent the afternoon watching the episode and reading the Reddit and lost media wiki comments.

Update:. My dad's hip doesn't appear to be broken which is good because they don't know with his lungs whether he'd make it through surgery. However, they did a complete work up on him and his d-dimer is positive meaning that he's got blood clots somewhere. They are going to x-ray his lungs.

...Then he doused it with gasoline and set it on fire. Alrighty then.

...

I’m too sick to go out to the movie today. I can feel that I’ve taken a turn for the worse. Hopefully I can get some help today from my doctor.

I still think of them as little sweet hamburgers! What does that say about me, ugly American?

Ok, so… a few things

1. Ever since being on Depakote I’ve felt better. A lot better. I don’t know what it is, why it is. My new psychiatrist has me way better pegged than my previous NP.

2. Why does EVERY NP wanna shove antipsychotics down your throat? (IME) I don’t respond well to them usually and they make me more anxious than not. Still not understanding that.

3. I saw my old NP and she put in that I had major depression even though I clearly told her about my manic episode and that my therapist and pdoc both said that it was mania. Every time I’ve been on mono therapy with an antidepressant I notice no real improvement.

Make. It. Make. Sense.

Idk I’m just really irate about my old NP & how my life got so messed up over this & being treated for the wrong condition.

My sister is going to fly all the way across the country to get Dad's power of attorney and start the ball rolling. They're going to put him in ICU. He's also got a groin infection. Maybe that's where his pain was coming from. I don't envy my sister. I don't think I could do what she's doing. I'd be so lost! She's getting a quote on cleaning up his condo- hopefully Dad pays for that. It's people who work on hoarders and the like not just a regular cleaning service. They're trying to get him a bed in the ICU. I'm not sure if that's because of the blood clots or just his general presentation. But everyone agrees that he can't go back to living in his condo- ever. I'm sure once he's feeling better he may have something to say about that. That's why my sister needs to get power of attorney.