Bipolar check-in # 66

*Beth* · Jun 13, 2022, 01:07 AM

Pretty much beating the hell out of myself for trusting someone I had questions about. My reference point for "okay" and "no, not okay" never did develop properly, so I never know whether my gut feeling is reliable, or not. To this very moment I don't know. I feel completely lost. I plan on calling tomorrow and making an appointment with a therapist, just to process this mess, but I want to see a therapist tomorrow. I don't want to wait 3 or 4 days, and if it's a week, I don't even know.

There actually is a drop-in center in this county where people can talk to a therapist, but it's in a town 20 miles from here. Not only do I not have gas or money for $6.80/gallon gas, but the road I'd have to travel on is up high, narrow, and runs all along the levee of a wide river. Too many people drive like maniacs on that road and there are accidents there a lot. One car ended up in the river last week and I was like, OMG. That's it.

I'm rambling. So tired, going to bed. Love all around

Soupe du jour · Jun 13, 2022, 02:23 AM

Hi Beth. Ice in drinks isn't common here, either. Nor in Czech Republic, but in CZ they do often bring ice just for "foreigners". It's supposed to reach 95 F up where we're going next, but luckily at that accommodation we'll have a pool to float in, like Jennifer enjoys. I'm ready to head further north. Today we're visiting a French national museum of wine that's in an amazing Frank Gehry building. Then tomortow we'll stop in the city of Cognac (yes, that Cognac) en route to the next accommodation.

The brand of the shampoo and hair mask I mentioned a few days back is Klorane.

Soupe du jour · Jun 13, 2022, 02:26 AM

@Beautyqueen, welcome to the forum! I've been where you describe in the past, too. My mood did improve, greatly, with time and discovery of the right mix of treatments, etc.

Jun 13, 2022, 03:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Yes, please go with the "living one day at a time" philosophy. Travel can bring about amazing surprises. When will you leave for the Coast?

In the middle of this week.

Jun 13, 2022, 03:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

If I see another therapist a couple of times before Mary returns maybe I'll have a clearer picture of how to proceed, and feel more confident.

~I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.~
-Walt Whitman

I hope you will have an appointment with a new T very soon.

unlived · Jun 13, 2022, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

I went to Starbucks this morning and ordered an iced coffee with cream and cold foam- a sweet white natural-whipped-cream-type stuff that floats on the top of the iced coffee. Well mine wasn't sweet at all so after tasting it several times- to the tune of having had about half of it!- I went up to a barista and told them it wasn't sweet enough (after purposefully asking for no sweet syrup that they usually add to ice coffee). The guy paused but offered to make me a new one. The new one was better.

So then I asked my mom if I could come visit with her. She agreed. I ended up playing on Facebook sitting in one of my mom's recliners. After a bit, my mom and her husband went upstairs and the family room to nap. So I got two of the couch throw pillows and a blanket that my mom crocheted, and curled up in the recliner and took a nap myself.

It was soooo nice to sleep that way! I felt like I was curled up in the the right position with just enough warmth from the blanket. (My mom had turned the air conditioning "up" so it was cold in the living room.). I don't know how long I actually slept but it was good sleep. It also was sleep without my CPAP which is oddly satisfying sometimes. If I were to try to sleep all night without it, I'd wake myself up when I stopped breathing. Odd that that didn't happen today? Or maybe it did but I didn't notice- I just felt that I had one of those deeply satisfying naps.

Was it deep and satisfying because you were “home” - like with your mum? I don’t know how to explain that but I remember years ago I went to my parents place on Christmas Day one year and I hadn’t been sleeping coz I was in the middle of a med change and it was impossible for me to sleep at the time and it was summer and very hot but being at their place with them and in air conditioning I fell asleep and felt safe and had a good sleep. It just felt good.

Sunflower123 · Jun 13, 2022, 11:04 AM

I just got home from a relaxing, peaceful float at my beloved pool. What a mood boost! It’s a beautiful, hot day. I’ve got therapy in a few minutes and that’s good as well. After therapy we’ll work on brother’s estate.

I would not have powered through this nearly as well without my therapist, the supportive group here, Zoloft, remaining family members and caring friends. I’m deeply grateful for all.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Mountaindewed · Jun 13, 2022, 11:32 AM

My sleep was awful last night. I suddenly fell asleep before 4 and I woke up close to 10. I only got 40 minutes of sleep after that. I'm crabby and tired and I still have to see my gastro doctor this afternoon. I got coffee half an hour ago so I am not too tired right now. These recent hate crimes agaisnt the LGBTQ community are concerning but my mom says people are just acting goofy to try to distract people from the janurary 6th hearings. Currently I'm in my dark house with the AC blasted and I have a throw blanket on and my mom has the news on in the other room. My appointment isnt until later this afternoon. I'm a bit nervous only because my stomach is ok at this moment and I wish I knew why sometimes it was ok and other times it wasn't. Either way I haven't been eating or sleeping much and I'm under a lot of stress. So hopefully he has some suggestions. I saw one GI doctor before I moved and he said it was just my anxiety and he was pretty rude. I never followed up with him.

*Beth* · Jun 13, 2022, 02:07 PM

If anyone is out there I need input ASAP.

Dr. B. from the same clinic I've been going to just left a message for me. I can have a session with him today if I want to. He's Mary's colleague, of course, and adores her (his words). I'm tempted to go in and talk with him about all of this. That said, I'm very anxious about adding on more trauma if Dr. B. is a jerk about things. And do I even want to risk going to that place?

I have called the clinic I go to for meds...they have no therapy appointments available until at least next week, possibly longer. I am sooo disappointed.

I would sure appreciate any input, as I am intuitionless right now.

Moose72 · Jun 13, 2022, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unlived

Was it deep and satisfying because you were “home” - like with your mum? I don’t know how to explain that but I remember years ago I went to my parents place on Christmas Day one year and I hadn’t been sleeping coz I was in the middle of a med change and it was impossible for me to sleep at the time and it was summer and very hot but being at their place with them and in air conditioning I fell asleep and felt safe and had a good sleep. It just felt good.

That could very well have been part of it, yes! In fact, I remembered how the whole house would "shut down" for rest time when I was a kid. You didn't have to sleep- just be quiet. I usually read books.

*Beth* · Jun 13, 2022, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

That could very well have been part of it, yes! In fact, I remembered how the whole house would "shut down" for rest time when I was a kid. You didn't have to sleep- just be quiet. I usually read books.

Moose, I'm sorry to hijack. Did you see my post above yours?

Moose72 · 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

If anyone is out there I need input ASAP.

Dr. B. from the same clinic I've been going to just left a message for me. I can have a session with him today if I want to. He's Mary's colleague, of course, and adores her (his words). I'm tempted to go in and talk with him about all of this. That said, I'm very anxious about adding on more trauma if Dr. B. is a jerk about things.

I have called the clinic I go to for meds...they have no therapy appointments available until at least next week, possible longer. I was sooo disappointed.

I would so appreciate any input, as I am intuitionless right now.

In a perfect world, as my mother says, Dr B would be able to separate out his personal fondness of Mary and treat you as a patient the way you deserve to be treated.

Moose72 · Jun 13, 2022, 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

If anyone is out there I need input ASAP.

Dr. B. from the same clinic I've been going to just left a message for me. I can have a session with him today if I want to. He's Mary's colleague, of course, and adores her (his words). I'm tempted to go in and talk with him about all of this. That said, I'm very anxious about adding on more trauma if Dr. B. is a jerk about things. And do I even want to risk going to that place?

I have called the clinic I go to for meds...they have no therapy appointments available until at least next week, possibly longer. I am sooo disappointed.

I would sure appreciate any input, as I am intuitionless right now.

You can what-if things only so far. Trying to guess what others will do tends to spiral me down into a confused place and one that is usually not based in reality. It confuses the people who you are guessing about, too.

Nammu · Jun 13, 2022, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

If anyone is out there I need input ASAP.

Dr. B. from the same clinic I've been going to just left a message for me. I can have a session with him today if I want to. He's Mary's colleague, of course, and adores her (his words). I'm tempted to go in and talk with him about all of this. That said, I'm very anxious about adding on more trauma if Dr. B. is a jerk about things. And do I even want to risk going to that place?

I have called the clinic I go to for meds...they have no therapy appointments available until at least next week, possibly longer. I am sooo disappointed.

I would sure appreciate any input, as I am intuitionless right now.

What do you want from Doc B. Validation that Mary hurt you? I think that’s realistic but if you want him to put her down I think that is unlikely. But seeing him might give you some breathing room while you wait for the other clinic.

A week is not long to wait for a T in todays world. Mary is not coming back until July if that so you do have time. Breathe 🧘*♀️ the first available is also the most likely to be a bad fit. Put your name in at your med clinic and say you need someone who will not cancel. You do have time.

*Beth* · Jun 13, 2022, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

What do you want from Doc B. Validation that Mary hurt you? I think that’s realistic but if you want him to put her down I think that is unlikely. But seeing him might give you some breathing room while you wait for the other clinic.

A week is not long to wait for a T in todays world. Mary is not coming back until July if that so you do have time. Breathe 🧘*♀️ the first available is also the most likely to be a bad fit. Put your name in at your med clinic and say you need someone who will not cancel. You do have time.

Thank you, Nammu I guess what I want from Dr. B. is guidance to know whether or not I should seek an appt. with Mary when she finally returns in order to process what has happened - or whether I should just let it be and never see her again.

Nammu · Jun 13, 2022, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Thank you, Nammu I guess what I want from Dr. B. is guidance to know whether or not I should seek an appt. with Mary when she finally returns in order to process what has happened - or whether I should just let it be and never see her again.

My guess just from what you’ve said is that he would say yes to that. Just because he is so sympathetic to Mary.

*Beth* · Jun 13, 2022, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

My guess just from what you’ve said is that he would say yes to that. Just because he is so sympathetic to Mary.

I agree. Now I'm curious, lol. Sometimes...ugh, I don't know.

Moose72 · Jun 13, 2022, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Thank you, Nammu I guess what I want from Dr. B. is guidance to know whether or not I should seek an appt. with Mary when she finally returns in order to process what has happened - or whether I should just let it be and never see her again.

What do you expect Mary to do if you had one final appointment with her? I can come up with scenarios in my head but I really think - if it were me- I'd just say this is the way Mary is and move on.

*Beth* · Jun 13, 2022, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

What do you expect Mary to do if you had one final appointment with her? I can come up with scenarios in my head but I really think - if it were me- I'd just say this is the way Mary is and move on.

In theory, I don't ever want to see her again. But common sense tells me that it would be smart, in the long run, to speak my side, hear her side, and work to come to enough of an understanding between us that we part on a decently amiable basis. So that...if I run into her in the grocery store we both happen to shop at (this town is pretty small) it isn't horribly awkward and painful.

I'd like not to mull this over for the rest of my life, but to have a sense of some kind of peace about it.

wildflowerchild25 · Jun 13, 2022, 03:30 PM

So I guess then, Beth, it’s time to do a pro/con. For me, the pro would be not wondering for the rest of my life. The con would be potentially putting myself in a traumatic situation. Maybe shore up on some immediate-use coping skills that you have at the ready for the appt with Mary, should you choose to go? If things don’t go well you can turn to these skills *immediately*, maybe even something you can do in the car before you even start driving. Like if you look up grounding skills that may work and then you can broader self-care when you get home. But go in with a self care plan because no matter what, whether you get what you want or don’t, it’s going to be a very difficult parting with Mary.

I literally have a list in my purse because when I’m at a 10 in terms of distress they all go straight out of my head. It helps to have them there to look at in case I’m triggered suddenly when I’m out and about.

You can PM me for some that I personally use to bring me down out of the crisis zone in the moment. Everything works differently and mine may not work for you but there’s quite a few I’ve taken on board from program.

Mountaindewed · Jun 13, 2022, 03:40 PM

I saw the gastro doctor. He is suspecting my gallbladder. He wants to run that test one of you guys mentioned to see how well its functioning. He says based on the results it doesn't have to come out. He can give me meds for it. He told me they would call to set up the test and in the meantime to keep taking tylenol and my anti nausea meds and he said to do this low fat high cholestrol diet. I'll have to google that since I'm not sure what that entails.

My sisters biospy is being done at her doctors office in a few days. Which makes me feel a ton of relief for her since it doesn't seem too urgent, and nervous for me that they wanted mine done at a hospital. While I was getting mine done they were talking about how they had 2 thyroid biopsies scheduled in the next 2 weeks. So I'm guessing mine was more urgent then those 2 if I was scheduled before them.

At the moment I'm just tired from lack of sleep and not too hungry for dinner. I cut up a fennel for dinner and I ate a couple pieces but I wasn't feeling like eating it. I did eat today though. With the LGBTQ stuff and Toby Keiths stomach cancer diagnosis I didnt watch the news today and for once it wasn't because of the Ukraine stuff.

Nammu · Jun 13, 2022, 03:54 PM

Oh ugh 😩 I want to shoot the neighbors lawnmower. It makes the most awful grinding mmmmmmrrrrr noise that really gets under my skin and they are out there for hours 3 days a week. The other mowers don’t get to me like this one does. 😡 if I put it out of commission then they’d have to get a different one. Nobody else takes hours to mow, they must go over the same area multiple times. 😖

HALLIEBETH87 · Jun 13, 2022, 05:34 PM

My friend since grade school died. I won’t go into detail but she had a drinking issue. She was36.

My other friend is most likely experiencing a miscarriage right now.

I’m done with today.

otroo · Jun 13, 2022, 05:37 PM

Thanks everyone I kind of just ignored her after I had explained where I was coming from. She has apologized to me and I told her I understand where she is coming from. My wife would be proud of me for biting my tongue when I did.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Moose72 · Jun 13, 2022, 07:01 PM

I just had a minor "OCD" freak out. It started when I went to the grocery store to get a few staples. I went to the bathroom and when I got out I noticed a lone cart, empty. I took it but couldn't use the disinfectant wipes that they have where you usually pick up a cart. I used it anyway. My contaminated hands touched everything I bought of course. When I got to the car I put my items in the back of the car and opened the door with my key which had been contaminated by my hands. When I got in the car, I used the hand sanitizer I keep in the center console. I even used some on my key. When I got home I carried the contaminated items upstairs to my apartment. I washed my hands and then put everything away. Problem is, I can't remember if I washed my hands after putting the groceries away. So then I felt all sweaty so I went in the bathroom and at first tried to splash my sweaty areas with water. When that was useless, I turned on the shower and washed up. Oh and before I turned the tub on I washed my face at the sink. So now I'm worried that my hands weren't clean enough when I got in the shower and some of the covid germs could've gone from my hands to the mucous membranes of my face or anywhere else for that matter.

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Bipolar check-in # 66

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