Bipolar check-in #71

Wow, glad you survived the drive!! We had a bit of snow here too, but certainly the roads were not nearly as treacherous! Hope your trip goes well too

Well I had the (semi) dreaded yearly check up with my primary doc. We went through everything- she took high blood pressure of as one of my problems, so that's good. But mostly she showed me the report from the voice doctor. It said "Examination of the larynx demonstrates that gross vocal fold mobility is mildly asymmetrical. There is thinning of the left vocal fold and an overall mild degree of paresis. There is no mass. There is an element of generalized tremulousness to the larynx. There is a left false fold over compression. There is a degree of overall supraglottic compression as well."

Also-

"I reviewed the evaluation in detail with the patient. Based upon the clinical history, examination and diagnosis, I discussed with her that my exam today does identify parkinsonian features, although it is also possible that these represent long-term sequelae of her psychiatric medications."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Well I had the (semi) dreaded yearly check up with my primary doc. We went through everything- she took high blood pressure of as one of my problems, so that's good. But mostly she showed me the report from the voice doctor. It said "Examination of the larynx demonstrates that gross vocal fold mobility is mildly asymmetrical. There is thinning of the left vocal fold and an overall mild degree of paresis. There is no mass. There is an element of generalized tremulousness to the larynx. There is a left false fold over compression. There is a degree of overall supraglottic compression as well."

Well, geez, Moose. What's next, as far as treatment?

Re-read my post. I added to it.

To answer your question, the voice doctor wrote "I will see her for follow up p.r.n.". I am to see my pdoc Wednesday and let her read the report and chime in on whether or not it's my psych meds causing all this and to report to my primary either way.

Good afternoon or evening. I wish I was young, I'd go to Ukraine and fight like hell.

1. Did I go to my Mary session? No. I called very early this morning and cancelled. I did not want to look at her, plain and simple. I have a stack of paperwork for Medicare to fill out, it is so confusing, and I would feel more productive if I completed that than if I worked on issues with a therapist who, at her best, will be mediocre. Really, I didn't deny or procrastinate, I prioritized.

2. I called David early afternoon yesterday because it was important to deal with a situation with the book biz that need immediate attention. He was hungry. My computer was moving slowly. He was impatient, barking at me at first, then became impatient. I explained to him that there was nothing to do but wait, because I couldn't make my computer move any faster than it would.

He interrupted me as I was explaining what was happening, so I had to keep stopping to repeat what I was saying. I asked him to please stop interrupting me because it was only causing more complication. He said, "I was beginning to make my lunch!" When he is hungry he is like a 2 year old, plus I sensed that he had some OCD ritual going on, so was agitated.

I reiterated that we just had to be patient as I worked this through. At that point he screamed at me that my brain is scrambled! Scrambled! I have it all mixed up! I just need to back off! And a barrage of really mean, abusive attacks. All I was doing was methodically working at a step of the business that needed to be done. David was all wound up and beside himself. I continued with doing the work, but I was crying, and taking too long because I was getting so confused. David never even asked how I was feeling with this stabbing pain from the infection. Never asked if I need help.

I finished the process. I was crying and I told him that he had just abused me terribly. He was ice cold. I said good-bye.

Later he called and asked do I want to go to the luminaria show, as we had planned. It's an annual event that is supposed to be very beautiful, held in the historic neighborhood in town (where David has the honor of living). That event was the only, only holiday thing I had planned this season, except lighting my menorah for Hanukkah, which I do alone since the children grew up. David takes no interest in Judaism; after all, *his* family's religion was clearly superior, even though that's of course unspoken.

I couldn't do it. Couldn't ride in the car with him, faking it, flashing back on all the years of pain, and how stupid I was, too afraid to break away. I told him No, I couldn't go. I told him he had been so abusive to me that it had ruined my spirit for the day. He said a very fake I'm sorry. I think you should just learn to forgive people more. I die when he says that.

All I can think of is the Eagles song, it keeps me from going insane because I know I'm not the only one - Lyin' Eyes...
"She wonders how it ever got this crazy, She thinks about a boy she knew in school, Did she get tired or did she just get lazy, She's so far gone she feels just like a fool..."

So I jumped on Facebook and had a really nice, long talk with John (my former who I've reconnected with). Then I went over to Etsy and bought myself a pretty pair of earrings on David's dime.

This morning Mary called and David called and I don't want to hear from either one so their messages can just sit there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Re-read my post. I added to it. To answer your question, the voice doctor wrote "I will see her for follow up p.r.n.". I am to see my pdoc Wednesday and let her read the report and chime in on whether or not it's my psych meds causing all this and to report to my primary either way.

My God. That is alarming.

Mum called multiple times, insisting she’s going to be discharged today. I called about 2 hours ago and there’s no movement towards discharge so they told me to go ahead and run my errands. I got mum a box of hearing aid batteries and planned to whiz in and out of Wally’s for tea and mini lights. It wasn’t quite the in and out I planned since the whole town was there. But I did snag a great parking spot and did choose the right check out line. I did get the mini lights I was wanting though. I put them on mum’s nativity scene. And another string in the fake pine arrangement. They look nice and really brighten things up.

Therapy was weird. As usual these pristiq or whatever, side effects are kicking my *** today. I got some weird feeling in my legs like I was going to collaspe and I had to hurry up in the shower. Then I took my blood pressure afterwards and it was 140. I've been super sick to my stomach all day. My sisters family just recovered from the flu so I hope I'm not getting it. Anyways in therapy we played UNO and after 2 games I had enough and asked if we had to play. She said no and next time she would bring in Legos and Playdoh. I don't understand why she treats me like I'm either mentally challenged or a little kid. We aren't even that far apart in age. At the end of the session as we were walking out she put her hand on my back but she basically just brushed my hoodie. It was weird. Therapists have rarely touched me. I've dreamt of my transference T doing that but not anyone else. She is a good therapist but I'll be looking forward to when my other one comes back.

My sister called our mom today when I was visiting with Mom. She had this story to tell about how our dad has been acting today. OMG. First of all, he is still in bad shape physically. Add to that that he has covid and he's 75. Apparently, his blood pressure was high and his oxygen saturation was in the 70's! The medics working at the nursing home he's in called an ambulance because his lips were blue, and he was very pale.

Well, what does my father do? He calls everybody liars, including my sister and insists that paramedics always want you to come to the hospital. Well, this time he NEEDED to go! The paramedics heard fluid in his lungs but no wheezing. (He has asthma like I do.) He's supposed to wear his oxygen a vast majority of the day, but he wasn't wearing it when the medics came and saw him. They changed his oxygen orders to double what it was (2L to 4L).

He then made some really mean racial slur about one of the girls trying to help him! THEN, my sister called our dad and we had him on mute and speaker phone on my mom's and my end. And he's STILL pooping on things he shouldn't! I realize that he probably feels like he's lost control of his life, but he can't function any other way. My sister said she told him "Fine do it yourself. Find your own place to live. I'm done!"! And then she relayed to me and our mom that he still thinks you have to plug a laptop into something to get on the internet. Or a satellite. My sister was like, "Dad, its WIFI..." He insists he needs a new computer.

All in all, he's acting like a 4-year-old who isn't getting his way!

Ya think?! It's too bad- this may be the worst side effect that I've had from psych meds. And if its somehow NOT the psych meds, then I've got to see a neurologist! It's too bad- because the Haldol really does seem to work. If we have to get rid of the Haldol, I'm thinking I'd like to try Abilify again. My complaint with that med was akathisia. But I don't remember how bad it was. I'm already dealing with Akathisia, held at bay by Ativan. Or so it seems. So, what's a little more akathisia? I was on Abilify back in the days when we were zipping through meds like I don't know what- every med I had some complaint about and every med my pdoc would take me off of. Does Abilify have any weight issues? Hmm.... EDIT: Just found this: Abilify and Geodon are the drugs least likely of their class of anti- psychotic drugs to cause weight gain.

Right after I posted the hospital called. They discharged mum. I was right there waiting in the pick up zone for her, it took an hour! She was very worried cause tomorrow and the next few days it’s supposed to be mixed rain/snow and ice. But she looks much better.

I'm so glad that she looks much better.

So glad your mum is home Nammu!

The neurosurgery consult was enlightening and concerning in equal measure. The MRI from September found what the doc termed a synovial cyst on one of my vertebrae. Basically, instead of cushioning my spinal cord, the fluid around this vertebrae are quite literally wrapped up in a growth that while benign, is still growing. This is a typically normal issue with people twice or even three times my age. I'm just barely in my 30s! Added kicker: the doc is unsure if this cyst is the cause of all of my symptoms, so he wants another test done to look at nerve activity.

This is a disturbing trend I'm noticing. The cyst, the plaques on the brain, gout, polyps. All of those have been issues I've dealt with for the past decade. All of those are issues of a man much older than myself. I'd love to know why I have the medical history of a 70 year old, just, you know, for clarity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Mum called multiple times, insisting she’s going to be discharged today. I called about 2 hours ago and there’s no movement towards discharge so they told me to go ahead and run my errands. I got mum a box of hearing aid batteries and planned to whiz in and out of Wally’s for tea and mini lights. It wasn’t quite the in and out I planned since the whole town was there. But I did snag a great parking spot and did choose the right check out line. I did get the mini lights I was wanting though. I put them on mum’s nativity scene. And another string in the fake pine arrangement. They look nice and really brighten things up.

Aw, poor thing, she just wants to come home. But good they kept her just a wee bit longer, and she'll be in her own bed before she knows it. The fairy lights sounds so, so pretty. Gosh, I sure wish I could see your splendid decorations, Nammu!

------------ ******* Whoops! I was reading posts backwards! Well, okay she is home! I guess they thought she was well enough to boot her on out Go, Nammu's Mum!

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Originally Posted by Aurelius710 ... ...I'd love to know why I have the medical history of a 70 year old, just, you know, for clarity.

That's certainly something worth knowing. Have you asked your doctor?

That is odd and sounds rather annoying @Mountaindewed. There are just way too many weird therapists on the planet. I remember some people used to say, "People become therapists to fix themselves." I had one, a psychologist. I miss him immensely. I grew by leaps and bounds in therapy with him.

Whew, I worked on that pile of Medicare renewal blah-blah. I needed some assistance and amazingly, did get through to some number, spoke with a very helpful man with a heavy southern accent who called me "ma'am." Now the hard part...digging up proof of this and that to "attach to this form." Truthfully, I don't mind filling out paperwork so much. I just like getting it done right away, not waiting. And I didn't miss seeing Mary a bit today, to be honest.

What do you have to send to Medicare? Do you have a part C plan or something? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious because the only thing I've ever had to do for Medicare is pick a Med D plan every year.

Thats what my last therapist told me about the therapist who got fired for doing and saying stuff to me and other clients. That some therapists get into therapy for their own issues.

This current therapist may just be very overly frendly. I'm used to more blank slate therapists.

So we're going to look at a place by the end of the week.
I have a nasty cold
But if we can get in than we can get psych help. H can get his asthma medicine. I can stop being so dramatic in thoughts and actions. I'm scared we're walking into a sec pool that's dangerous

I’m so wildly irritable. It’s 1:23am here…I usually am asleep long before 12. I feel bugs crawling on me. But I know it’s just my mind playing tricks. Still makes me so anxious. I see my new pdoc Dec 27. I can’t tell my t cause he thinks anything little or not needs swift ip treatment and I’m ok and don’t need that. I’m not depressed and I’m in danger and neither is anyone else. Still can’t tell him though cause he will try to trick me to go. He did last time

UNO, Legos, or Playdoh? Doesn't she want to talk to you? I would feel as you do about it. Frankly, I'd tell such a therapist to stop that or I'd leave. But that's me.

I'm hoping its just until the new year and then we get serious. She says she can help me fill out job applications in January. So hopefully all the silly stuff will stop then. But yeah I'm pretty sure I'm going to go back to my old therapist once she returns.

I got up when the alarm went off and almost immediately maintenance was knocking at my door shouting "Maintenance!" So I let him in in my pajamas. Luckily he was small enough to fit beside my Xmas tree to be able to reach my blinds control stick. Yesterday my blinds got turned around too far and then got stuck as I tried to slide them open. So he fixed them and just said "They were stuck". Well I knew that! But I'm glad he fixed them.

When he left, I went back under my electric blanket and stayed there another 5 hours! All I did was dream and dream about moving into a smaller apartment - this one's pretty small- to live with this college student who lived with 3 messy cats food and litter everywhere- in fact the whole apartment was messy. And I was upset that I couldn't fit my couch- or any of my furniture - in there. Then I'd wake up in real life and be disappointed that I was awake. I finally got out of bed to pee and decided I should stay up as it was 2:30 and that I should go to the grocery store because I was almost out of milk. I also bought Nestle Quick. Just had a craving for it and bought the family size container and. Two gallons of milk. I also got some refrigerated pasta and sauce. I also had a fiasco trying to return some pop cans. I had two grocery bags full of them. All different flavors of Stevia pop. But the root beer one wasn't being taken by the machine. Now I know I bought those at that store so they should accept them. Plus the cans said "Mi 10c". So I went to customer service and told them my problem. They paged the bottle room guy to the bottle room and he counted my cans and wrote me a slip of paper for the people at customer service so that they could pay me the $1.30. with the other $2 I got I can buy myself a coffee. . By the way, several years ago now, a bunch of people from Ohio returned MANY bottles and cans and got the ten cents per can that they didn't pay when they bought them. To this day it's weird for me to see a pop can in the trash when I go to another state.