Bipolar check-in #71

Beautiful picture. Thank you for lifting my spirits.

It's been a horrible few days. It's been very rainy outside (and inside it's been hard to shake the grrrr)

It's been a whirlwind, but at least it's been relatively smooth moving through it.

I'm gonna be a bit vulnerable here. More so than I really probably should -- but I am lonely. Lonely enough that I accepted a last minute trip to Florida (expenses paid) to see someone who tried to break up my relationship and then later marriage because they were in love with me. This person wanted to see if we could reconnect after all this time since I am divorced now and obviously single (i.e. a bit lonely). I'll give you the short version -- we didn't reconnect. I was told I was like a stranger and no feelings remained. This really bothered me more than I wish it had. It's been 8 years since I last saw this person, and they spent all this money to get us together in the same place.... if anyone could look at my life now and me and still say they loved me... this was my only chance of that. Well, I didn't get that in the end. Oh well.

I pissed a lot of people off going away for four days but I'm back now and it's all fine I suppose.

Thanksgiving was fine... I'm just in a weird headspace I guess. I guess it's time to just accept the facts of who/what I am and that being alone may be my calling. Things are simpler that way anyway

Happy Sunday to everyone.

Brutal gusty day. Some 50-60 mph ! The dogs didn’t really want to go outside.

Steve’s boys are really wanting Steve to come down for Christmas apparently willing to get together to rent him a car. Since we just have this beater truck. Steve doesn’t want to go without me because he say “ it’s not fair my going” if YOU don’t go I won’t.

It doesnt matter what’s “ fair or not “ Here’s the reality. We have 3 dogs and no way to board them it’s so expensive. They would all 3 needs full shots as Dexter and Gus were due a while ago and now Maddie needs them all. Not sure how we will manage that expense anyway.

I told Steve to just accept the help from his boys in getting him down there. He can stay with one of them.

I’ll be perfectly fine here. I was last year when he was gone for 6 weeks when his Sister had the aneurysm and passed away.

The one on the left is Saco and the one on the right is Pemi. Named after rivers here

Well what do you think? For me I’d fight like hell to get through it. Some times I give up. Sometimes I fight. It’s a hard thing and no two people are the same but statistically meds alone won’t cure you. It’s a combo of meds and coping skills that help.

"Distress tolerance skills" of course. Because that's what life is all about, distress tolerance...

... don’t see my psychiatrist til February and don’t really want to make an earlier appointment.
...

Tomorrow is my biopsy (#5!). I'm actually feeling pretty calm although I am showing physical signs of stress. I'll just be so glad to be done with it.

I'm also going to finally get my Emsam. My pdoc has 4 people who are working who know where it is. So there shouldn't be any problem getting it. I hope. It's been such a mess I'm having trouble feeling confident in anything related to Emsam whatsoever.

I had to wash my winter coat because I bumped into the chicken nest. That was not fun nor planned. But it's done. I still didn't get the egg I was reaching for. The chicken worked pretty hard to lay where it was impossible to get it. But in the good news department I picked up a chicken tonight. I've been scared of birds all my life and the last few months have been gradually working on petting them when they request to being in the coop with them and now I picked one up. I'm pretty pleased with myself.

Now just to sleep tonight.

Man. I wish there was door dash and that stuff but in my rural county all we gave us three subways, two McDonald’s, anda few of family restaurants scattered about. You know…fried chicken and fried green tomatoes lol nobody door dashed around here and hell our entire county only has two stoplights.