Bipolar Check-in #72

Glad to hear you had a good time, Nammu!

I'm just checking in to say hi (so Beth doesn't get concerned )

I am just so depressed today I wish the pain would just go away. I'm not going to do anything stupid I just wish I could feel some peace in my pain. It has been about 15 months since my wife died but every day it feels like the first day.

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My head doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode today from sinus pressure and I’m not too tired to sit up in the living room so hopefully I’ll be better soon from Covid. I’m still quite depressed though. But I suppose that’s just where my mind has settled for the moment. I will see pnurse on Tuesday.

I am hoping to go to the Philadelphia flower show in March. In 2019 I missed it because I was in too much pain to walk from my back. Then they didn’t have it for two years because of Covid, and then they had one outdoors but it was in June so it was 90 degrees and it was just too miserably hot to go. But they finally have it indoors again. I used to go to the NJ flower show with my grandparents every year. That one was usually in February. The flower show would cut into the winter doldrums because it was like a breath of spring seeing all the blooming gardens built indoors. It always cheered me up. So I’ll be very happy so go to Philly and see the flowers inside there. A touch of spring before the real spring sun comes out to cheer me up.

What a cool idea! Keeping it real in the mornings. That’s a great habit. Love the game. I didn’t know some of those games could be played with just one player! How cool I’ll have to check that out! The now have a D&D game at the library but I’ve been too scared to go. I have a feeling you really need to be able to hear. But one player games! Cool.

The first flower show I was ever at I was ip. They picked some of us to go. Yeah it might have been February or March. It was indoors and just beautiful. The smell, was exquisite. For a few years after that I took my daughter to flower shows. That was up in the cities, after we moved no more shows. Oh, I hope you enjoy it, they are lovely.

And they also keep telling me guys come in all shapes and sizes and they have had had me watch this dumb poodle healthy at any size video twice now. Its like that meme that goes "I seent it"

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Glad to hear you had a good time, Nammu! I'm just checking in to say hi (so Beth doesn't get concerned )

Thanks for checking in. I do get concerned.

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo I am just so depressed today I wish the pain would just go away. I'm not going to do anything stupid I just wish I could feel some peace in my pain. It has been about 15 months since my wife died but every day it feels like the first day.

I'm sorry, otroo. Just please do remember that there are times when you feel some lifting of the grief, you know, you feel so happy to be with your daughter...or to go on a ride.Anyone who says grief goes away is so wrong. It never goes away (in my experience), it comes and goes in waves.

Ohhh, not the poodle video again! @Mountaindewed tell them you don't want to watch it again. I haven't even seen it and it sounds irritating.

@Blue_Bird , what a nice check-in. It's peaceful. D&D was becoming well-known when I was in high school. There was a group of nice nerd kids who played it, and of course it was not digital. Who could have dreamed it would become what it has become?!

@wildflowerchild25 , I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better. A flower show! That sounds fabulous! My grandmother used to have her roses in a flower show & when I was a kid my mom and I would attend. I loved those shows. Gosh, I'd forgotten about them.

A grey, rainy Sunday. Wow, my mood sunk when the sun went away. Not horrible or anything, just no where near as bright. Higher anxiety and a sense of fear, worry. I awoke earlier than I wanted to, but I did get a decent amount of sleep, so I suppose it's good to have more hours in the day to get some extra chores done and fit in a shower. The rest of the week will be sunny. Chilly, but sunny. I've never been so desperate for spring to come.

After my chores I'm going to watch a movie called Howards End.

I love my new
Med. I sleep better without melatonin and I’m not AS sleepy during the day now. I’m still a little irritable but not bad. And omg my anxiety level has decreased significantly!

So I almost cried in the middle of best buy for no reason. We got what we needed and I'm back in bed. This is ridiculous I can't do simple things. I'm calmer now under a blanket, in a dark room. I feel like I can breathe here. H keeps turning on the light and opening the shades. I guess I'm loosing weight and eating very little. I had 2 eggs with cheese and a bit of home fries for breakfast. I no longer do the shakes. Just eat whatever I can and that's it. H says I'm barely breaking enough to live. That's probably why I'm sleeping so much 16 hrs just yesterday. 5 pm - 9am. As long as my weight doesn't go to low I should be fine. I'm not really eating chicken, soda or anything like that.

Eh, sleep was a long time coming but I had an awesome weird dream that I was a witch and a midwife. The girl wanted to give birth to a dolphin 🐬 and we were protecting her from her boyfriends family who had gotten legal paperwork to take the child away from her. I’m fuzzy on what happened because I woke up. Went back to sleep and I was still a midwife witch but this time I was in an abandoned hospital with a different woman. Something about someone driving a Volkswagen bug down the hallway!
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It’s sunny today but only 2 degrees F. Brrr 🥶 no flowers or buds here. Groundhog Day is coming up in a few days. But generally speaking we have 6 more weeks of winter here before the snow even melts. but it’s getting brighter out, that’s nice.

I got my testosterone shot around 10 and this bad nausea just blew up in my face pretty quickly. I took a zofran then I took a 50 minute nap. I'm napping almost daily now. I woke up still nauseated. So I took another zofran and ate a small bag of potato chips and took some tylenol. My mom is sick with probably just a cold she got from my sister and niece. My nephews are still here and my sister took the baby with her to their house to help my brother in law hopefully get the shower running so they don't have to spend another night at our house. They still expect my mom to watch my niece all day tommorow and with how I've been feeling and how my mom is feeling and just how exhausting this weekend has been in general, I moved my therapy appointment tommorow to remote. She got back to me quickly and said that was totally fine. Now I'm lying down and trying not to puke. I haven't had a reaction like that to the shot in ages. I'm so glad I'm seeing my doctor on Friday. I can also go for my bIoodwork for my blood doctor on Thursday.

The tylenol isn't working. I just want to throw up to feel better. I took my geodon and it didn't work since its not anxiety or mental health stuff. I don't know what else to do except try to sleep it off again.

My resting heart rate is 59. I googled it and it says that just means I'm physically fit. So I don't think thats anything to worry about. My stomach is starting to calm down but my throat is acting up because, thyroid nodles and I'm lying on my back.

We had a lovely visit with mom’s sisters - my aunts. It even snowed for us. The trip home was much easier than the trip up there. We stopped half way home and had a nice lunch and visit with my daughter.

I woke at 4:00 am each morning to watch the sun come up over the mountains through the wall of glass which is at the back of my aunt’s house. So beautiful and peaceful. She’s the one who has aggressive cancer. Boy is she an inspiration. Calm, cool and collected. Living her life on her terms. A true warrior.

It was hard coming back from our trip to an empty house. We both struggled with that. Today has been a lazy movie day. Back to the grindstone tomorrow.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Much love.

These SH thoughts won’t leave no matter what. I tense up and feel like nothing will stop it except following through. I did safety statements and squeezed ice while RS held me and I am a bit calmer but he has to go to work tomorrow and I’ll be alone all day. I know this isn’t the perfect healthy plan but the only thing I can think of to guarantee my safety is take seroquel in the morning and sleep all day. I have my follow up surgical appt to get the stitches out which they said to still come to bc the stitches can’t stay in any longer. I just have to wear a double mask and the dr will be in PPE.

I just need to sleep otherwise I won’t be able to take it. I might go on a walk if I feel well enough because it is supposed to be 54.

Ugh, now a vast percentage of northern Californians will be all cranky because the 49ers not only lost their chance to go to the Superbowl, they got stomped to the ground. I think football is somewhat disgusting. BUT I am a baseball fan and it's only sixteen days until pitchers and catchers report! That is my own first day of spring

Chores for today are done, except the daily this and that. So I'll watch the movie tonight and hopefully go to bed early.

Aww

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 ...I know this isn’t the perfect healthy plan but the only thing I can think of to guarantee my safety is take seroquel in the morning and sleep all day...

It's perfectly healthy if it keeps you safe from harm.

My heart rate is all over the place at the moment. I’m keeping an eye on it coz I have major surgery coming up and I’m worried about it. I wore my Apple Watch for a while today and between 12-8pm my heart rate ranged between 44 - 127. No exercise at all just walking around the house. That 127 just shot up out of nowhere while I was laying down watching tv (nothing exciting) and the under 60s are too low for me because I’m definitely not fit - and 44 isn’t good.

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Originally Posted by unlived My heart rate is all over the place at the moment. I’m keeping an eye on it coz I have major surgery coming up and I’m worried about it. I wore my Apple Watch for a while today and between 12-8pm my heart rate ranged between 44 - 127. No exercise at all just walking around the house. That 127 just shot up out of nowhere while I was laying down watching tv (nothing exciting) and the under 60s are too low for me because I’m definitely not fit - and 44 isn’t good.

When is your surgery scheduled, unlived?

Ugh, Howards End was the most boring movie ever. The acting was really good, I suppose, but a story line that could put someone to sleep. Finding movies I really like is hard for me, and the movies I've seen that are my favorites, I've either watched them many times or they aren't available online. Hopefully, one of these days I'll find another outstanding movie or show. I dropped Netflix and went with Cinemax, but so far I haven't found much on Cinemax.

Just curious as to what you are taking? Thanks

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I am feeling of proud of myself. I started working part time doing door dash. I would schedule myself to work a shift and then cancel the day of cause of my anxiety. Well, I completed this last week's work schedule without canceling and shifts, and I worked each shift from beginning to end without quitting early.

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Oh! It’s Lybalvi!
It’s zyprexa plus an opiod antagonist yo help prevent Weight gain