Bipolar Check-in #72

*Beth* · Jan 28, 2023, 04:30 PM

Ooh, I took ZzzQuil last night and I guess it had a stimulating effect on me. I know that occasionally diphenhydramine can do that. About half an hour after I took it I heard a sound like 2 glasses lightly knocking against each other, then there was a very specific note or chord that begins the sound of Dark Side of the Moon (Pink Floyd). That sound is so specific and no matter which way I turned in bed it was there. For whatever reason, when my brain goes hypomanic it usually starts with the ambient sounds from Pink Floyd songs.

I started making plans, kind-of a list in my mind, of things I must do if I got out of bed. I thought that if I stayed up for *only 2 hours* I could get those things done. But I was trying to reason with my racing mind, so I stayed in bed and just listened to Pink Floyd playing inside my mind. It's pretty much like actually listening to the album itself, except there's the added glasses clinking sound, which can get really annoying and kind-of creepy.

So it was over an hour, but I finally did fall asleep, and strangely I don't remember having any dreams, which is so odd for me. Not a thing, just blank.

Today is another gorgeously sunshiny day, not cold as predicted. My primary goal is getting 2 loads of laundry done, including a blanket and a curtain. It's David's 76th birthday so he's coming over tonight and we're going to watch Laurel Canyon, about the music scene there in the 60's. I'm really looking forward to seeing it.

@Nammu I can't wait to hear about your adventure tonight!

HALLIEBETH87 · Jan 28, 2023, 04:39 PM

I feel so level today. I’m
So excited. And I don’t feel 24/7 panicked as bad as I was before
Lybalvi and prazosin.

Moose72 · Jan 28, 2023, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I'm so glad the Trazodone is working for you, though. Give it some time, you know...it'll probably make you less sleepy.

The last time I took Trazodone I had a horrible experience. I took it exactly as prescribed and the dose was a standard for-sleep dose. But the effect it had on me was as though I had overdosed. I was seeing flashing lights and I felt like I was blacking out. I made myself sit on the edge of the bed and talk aloud. I was really fighting not to pass out. I just kept talking and singing and finally I was able to drink some water. So scary.

Oh wow! The first time I took Trazodone, I walked the short distance to the bathroom, swallowed the pills, walked back into my room and promptly fell over onto the floor! Luckily for me, I had taken the cushions off the couch bed and they were laid out end to end so I had a soft landing spot!

Last night I took 4 Trazodones - two old ones and two new Ones. Still tossed and turned until all hours. By the time I got to sleep it was somewhere between 4 and 8 a.m. when my alarm went off at noon I got up because I was planning to meet N1 for brunch. Between 1 and 2 pm. She said closer to 230. But that was ok because I was at a coffee shop just down the street from where we were meeting for brunch. We had a good time. This restaurant is very. LGBTQI+ positive with all sorts of flags hanging up in the restaurant. If felt good to eat with N1 in such a positive place.

Mountaindewed · 05:49 PM

Its my turn to take a shower. But I don't have the energy. I want to take a second nap instead. I managed the day with just 2 valium. Which is not like me. Basically I've just been so lethargic today I haven't felt much of anything else. My mom asked if I was ok earlier because my voice sounded weak. Idk. So far I just feel super tired and kind of nauseated.

I do have a bit of a bloody nose right now though. And some yellow gunk. Sorry for the tmi.

With all my other blood related issues the first thing I think of when I have a bloody nose is "Leukemia" then I think of the house just being dry. Then I remember my doctor saying yellow means you are normally sick, or about to get sick. So idk.

My mom and therapist need to shut it about food. Yeah I have an eating disorder. But why would I eat if I am legit not feeling good? Not everything is restriction.

Nammu · Jan 28, 2023, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

@Nammu I can't wait to hear about your adventure tonight!

I’m so scared, but determined to go. I can always leave! Right?

How cool you hear real music! Pink Floyd! Even. My head just sounds like a huge auditorium filled with thousands of yelling screaming kids. That would be excellent, to just lay there listening to good music.

Victoria'smom · Jan 28, 2023, 05:17 PM

H cleaned a grill left by the former tenant. I freaked out because he brought the grill pieces into the house to clean. I don't know WTF is wrong with me. It's like I'm developing ocd tendencies. I'm back in bed now. I was up for maybe 3ish hrs. My dog ignores me, h and Miguel don't really need me. I'm just taking a spot in a bed, making them watch me suffer. I just don't know what to do. I see new PCP in about 3 weeks. Then I have the 3 hr dentist appointment. Then I can schedule pdoc appointment. Until then I'm basically stuck.

*Beth* · Jan 28, 2023, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

Oh wow! The first time I took Trazodone, I walked the short distance to the bathroom, swallowed the pills, walked back into my room and promptly fell over onto the floor! Luckily for me, I had taken the cushions off the couch bed and they were laid out end to end so I had a soft landing spot!

Last night I took 4 Trazodones - two old ones and two new Ones. Still tossed and turned until all hours. By the time I got to sleep it was somewhere between 4 and 8 a.m. when my alarm went off at noon I got up because I was planning to meet N1 for brunch. Between 1 and 2 pm. She said closer to 230. But that was ok because I was at a coffee shop just down the street from where we were meeting for brunch. We had a good time. This restaurant is very. LGBTQI+ positive with all sorts of flags hanging up in the restaurant. If felt good to eat with N1 in such a positive place.

That sounds like a wonderful brunch. I guess Trazodone is a much stronger med than I'd thought it was - in certain ways. I'm really sorry your sleep was crap

*Beth* · Jan 28, 2023, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

I’m so scared, but determined to go. I can always leave! Right?

How cool you hear real music! Pink Floyd! Even. My head just sounds like a huge auditorium filled with thousands of yelling screaming kids. That would be excellent, to just lay there listening to good music.

My sister always said, "Remember that wherever you are by choice you always have the right to leave if you want to."

With all the tons of music I have heard over my entire lifetime, and with all the music I listen to now, it's always Pink Floyd that's my "I may be getting hypo" signal. I would love to have some kind of brain scan done with someone who is a seasoned musician present to tell me why those exact sound waves, notes, tones?

*Beth* · Jan 28, 2023, 06:50 PM

I walked to the laundry room and I see the Sorrel flowers are blooming, bright yellow with their green clover leaves. You can eat those leaves. Then I looked closely at a pretty tree near the laundry room door and, sure enough! Tiny, tiny pink buds are popping out! So in a week there will be cute pink flowers all over the tree. What a tremendous relief, to see the very first bit of spring! This season has been such an agony of depression for me and while I know there are the inevitables to follow, spring is coming no matter what.

Here's Sorrel!

~Christina · Jan 28, 2023, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

I’m going to a murder mystery fundraiser for the library that takes place at the historic home we have. Not at all old compared to the east coast or Europe but the oldest we got. I’m nervous about it but also looking forward to it.

Tonight I went back to the home and got mum all comfortable then we watched the skating. That was nice.

That sounds so much fun!!!

Glad Mum is doing better

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~Christina · Jan 28, 2023, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I talked with my therapist about my mood issues lately. The high euphoria and the low depressive stuff. She said it’s to be expected with my diagnosis (my main diagnosis the past 10 years since I was 18 is schizoaffective disorder bipolar type). I was doing well for many years on my meds then started struggling again recently and couldn’t figure out why. I said it’s manageable and she said it’s just expected with my disorder but that if it gets worse to talk with my psychiatrist about a med adjustment. I don’t think I will need that. I think it’s just a kind of blip or whatever. Occasionally symptoms come through but I don’t think it necessitates a med change.

We talked about how I’m doing a lot better though. I used to be extremely impulsive and reckless when manic, and when depressed it was severe and lasted for many months to a year and I could only think about suicide and slept all day and barely got out of bed to do even basic things. Couldn’t be bothered with hygiene etc and my paranoia was bad.

Now on meds my depression doesn’t end up that severe, and my manic symptoms are pretty much under control to the point where when I experience highs it’s more like hypomania then the life damaging mania like I used to experience. So that’s good. And a majority of the time my mood is a normal level of good or neutral , thanks to meds I don’t get severe highs or lows, my mood pretty much stays stable. Although recently it’s been a little off but as she said that’s just the way these things work, sometimes there’s blips or whatever and symptoms will come through. Also I’m not dealing with psychosis level delusion anymore like when I believed my doctor was poisoning me and like the government was out to get me.

So it’s progress

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I’m so happy for you

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~Christina · Jan 28, 2023, 09:32 PM

I’m still incredibly grumpy !

I have to go to Hellmart to pick up some meds tomorrow and I’m dreading it.

Steve is feeling a bit better but he’s having painful spasms under his upper ribs. He’s really struggling health wise this year. Just one thing after another

I really would like just one week of us even kind of feeling better.

#RantOverForTheDay

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Nammu · Jan 28, 2023, 09:55 PM

Oh Christina I’m sending you both healing purple vibes.

Nammu · Jan 28, 2023, 10:14 PM

I’m glad I went!
I WON A BOOK!

It was in the beautiful old home. They had it set up so you could wonder from room to room and the actors had name tags , their names were all types of alcohol. The vintner had been killed and his fiancé Bubbles immediately married the long lost cousin who inherited the winery. There was a rival winery owner, an actress that had an affair, a sales rep, mama vino who had worked at the winery forever. And a few other characters. They wondered the house and interacted with the people. You asked them questions and occasionally they acted out scenarios.

There was a banquet of horedorves and some delicious desserts. A cash bar. I do drink but tonight I wasn’t in the mood so I just had soda. After a bit of wondering around and eves dropping on the actors and asking a few questions I sat at the table with the other elders. Three ladies and a husband. We chit chatted about the story and fundraising, libraries and wildlife. One asked me who I thought and I said I was suspicious of the fbi guy. He didn’t know anything. She thought that was a hoot. But he wasn’t a suspect so I said the lest likely but she has worked in the vineyard forever and knows it best. And I was right!

One of the ladies I was talking to writes a column in the newspaper. Turned out the crowd I was mingling with is quite wealthy and they know who’s who in the town. It was good to get out and talk to others.

bizi · Jan 28, 2023, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I’m going back to college in the fall, as a part-time student. Taking 2 classes. Working towards finally finishing my associates degree. It’s a ways away from now (classes start like last day of august)

I had to drop out a few times in college previously due to not being able to manage both my mental health issues and the stress of college. I haven’t gone back since 2019. I think I’m ready now and my therapist agrees , she thinks I’ve made a lot of progress over the years and am a lot more stable (also more nurture because I’m older now, when I initially started college I was 22, now I’m 28) so I should be able to handle it this time

Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend, I’ll post more later today. I’m just having coffee now and spending time with my cats.

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good luck with school, and great photo of your fur babies!

BeyondtheRainbow · Jan 28, 2023, 11:30 PM

@Nammu I am so glad you went and had a good time! It sounds really fun. I've never heard of anything like around here. You can throw axes at a wall down the road from here....it's a little rural

.

What book did you win? How did you win it?

Nammu · Jan 28, 2023, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

@Nammu I am so glad you went and had a good time! It sounds really fun. I've never heard of anything like around here. You can throw axes at a wall down the road from here....it's a little rural

.

What book did you win? How did you win it?

Cooked River by Preston and Child. It’s a Pendergast novel but one I’ve never read. I won it by guessing who the murderer was. At the end of the event they handed out ballots and everyone voted. There were about 7 of us who guessed right.

*Beth* · Jan 29, 2023, 01:38 AM

I am SO GLAD you went @Nammu! That sounds like a complete blast! Congrats for winning the book. Wheee, I'm really happy for you!

*Beth* · Jan 29, 2023, 01:46 AM

I don't understand why they nag at you @Mountaindewed . As I understand it, the worst thing to do to someone who has an eating disorder is to nag them about it. I mean, I can understand why your mom might, but your t? Like, what do they say to you?

Mountaindewed · Jan 29, 2023, 02:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I don't understand why they nag at you @Mountaindewed . As I understand it, the worst thing to do to someone who has an eating disorder is to nag them about it. I mean, I can understand why your mom might, but your t? Like, what do they say to you?

My mom tells me I'm not eating enough in general and my therapist says I need to add onto meals and I need to be eating more carbs.

Mountaindewed · Jan 29, 2023, 02:37 AM

My temp was 95 and I was blowing more blood out. I wasn't really panicked. I just turned off my fan and got under all my blankets and put my hat on and got my temp up to 96.6. Something isn't right I just don't know what. I might have to go to imediate care. My sister and the kids are all still here. I don't want them panicking about getting sick from me.

Blue_Bird · Jan 29, 2023, 08:54 AM

@Nammu I am really glad you were able to go, that is awesome! It sounds like it was a very fun experience and it’s really cool you won a free book too

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Blue_Bird · Jan 29, 2023, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi

good luck with school, and great photo of your fur babies!

Thank you! I’m a little nervous about going back, but I think once I have a successful semester my confidence will come back

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Blue_Bird · Jan 29, 2023, 08:57 AM

Those are beautiful flowers Beth!

Christina and Mountaindewed, I really hope you both feel better soon

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Blue_Bird · Jan 29, 2023, 09:06 AM

Good morning, been up since 7am. Woke up, fed the cats, had my coffee in silence while doing a few word searches, then ate breakfast, took my meds, brushed/flossed teeth, put dishes away

Then Mustachio wanted to play, she has a new toy she loves to play with. She drags it around the house to whatever room I’m in when she wants me to play with her. So we played for awhile and I spent some time petting Maybelle. Try to spend quality time with the cats often, and try to spend the first part of my mornings away from social media and technology. Hence drinking coffee in silence while I did some word searches and journaled. Just sets the right tone for the day I feel.

Yesterday I played a tabletop RPG board game, it’s called Descent: Legends of the Dark. I enjoy those types of games. Like Dungeons & dragons style games. I find them a lot of fun and some of them can be played solo. This particular one can be played with 1-4 players. It’s a good distraction from anxiety and fun to kind of escape into another world for awhile.
Here’s a pic of some of the game

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Bipolar Check-in #72

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