Bipolar Check-in #72

Thanks I'll look into it. I just started Paxil yesterday and I hope it works for me.

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I’m not falling asleep on time. I finish my book reading, then lay there for hours not sleeping. I’m not ruminating. I’m doing the zen mind but not falling asleep until 4-5 am. I have to get up at 7 for swimming. So this morning of course I canceled swimming and went back to bed. Didn’t help that it was -7F feels like -21 either. Of course the more I sleep late the less likely it is that I will get to sleep on time.

Did have a disturbing dream, when I went back to bed. I was on the edge of a closed fairgrounds, in the dark. Chain link fence was everywhere and I was stranded without car or phone. There used to be a bus stop there but not any more. Walking though the dark I came across a doctors office that served the poor and homeless. I asked if they could call a taxi for me, nope they were having a party. Ran into a person I used to know, asked her for a ride no problem, but then she walked into the woods after three small dogs.

Hi all,
Been having a rough time-- I'll catch you all up later. Just wanted to tell you I'm lurking and thinking of you all.

We're having a cold snap and when it gets chilly like that here in northern California, the wind blows and the air is bitterly cold and damp. Bone-chilling. My heater (a wall unit which was never great to begin with, even though it was new when I moved in) made scary cracking sounds and burned out. It is sooo cold in here and I'm aching from the cold. I ordered a space heater that is supposed to arrive by 3 p.m. if Amazon actually gets it together and delivers as promised. Thankfully, I have a t appointment and a good heater in my car. I think the cats will be okay. They have their beds and my bed.

Don't want to try anymore. I know the things that will make me feel better even though they're not socially acceptable. I wish I was alone but I'm not.

Ooo Beth that sounds miserable. Here it is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey but At least I have heat in the house. Stay warm.

I'm there myself, except I am alone. Sending hugs

I feel just blah today. My niece has been really fussy all day. My stomach was off most of the day and I've also been tired. I got an iced latte with non fat milk from Starbucks. It helped the fatigue but gave me bad nausea so I took what I could for my nausea. I had therapy which I switched to remote last night. We talked about food part of the time. She said about the iced latte "how about adding 2% milk in next time? I know going straight to whole milk is a big change." Jeeze now the type of milk I get is an issue. I promised her I'd eat a can of tuna when we logged off but so far I've taken like 2 bites out of it because I am just not hungry. She said "don't ever feel bad about switching to remote if you don't feel good." Yeah cause then she doesn't have to go into the office... she said my hair looked good even though I didn't take a shower and I look like I have a hangover. Anyways, I'm just crabby today and feeling all weak in my hands and legs for some reason. My nausea is gone though. I drank a Gatorade before the session which helped. I wish I had a dog to give this tuna to so I wouldn't have to explain to my mom that I didn't want it. I really just want to sleep all night.

I finally just shoved the tuna in so I could take my meds so they would work properly. I wanted to throw up. Now I don't feel any worse but I don't feel much better either. I told my mom not to bother me about food tonight.

I feel you 100%

I took 125mg of seroquel last night and I still woke up at 2:30am -4am, then woke up at 5:30 for good. After CR left for school I took another 150mg seroquel but only slept for 45 minutes and really only succeeded in making myself totally sedated but not sleeping. I started having a panic attack later so I added Xanax (just one) to that whole mess. I did fall back asleep for an hour around 1pm. I have only left my bedroom for food, bathroom, and my surgical follow up.

I ended up with three melted ice packs strewn around in bed with me. I still feel awful. I can’t tell ANYONE about the medication misuse because I’m sure I would be put in IP. They can’t help me there, it’s a waste of time. Id be willing to do an evening IOP but there’s only one around here and you have to go through their access center. It’s attached to a psych hospital so if I went through access they could still decide on IP first followed by IOP.

Good news is my incision looks good, got the stitches out, and I don’t have to wear my wrist brace anymore. So tonight I’m going to take a nice long hot shower and tomorrow I’m going to dye my hair. I’m naturally a dark brunette but a few weeks ago I added red and it looks nice. Still natural but more auburn. It’s fading out though so I’m going to touch it up. It’ll give me something to do. Maybe I’ll try to finish my book. I got two more from my book of the month club which look very cool and interesting so I’m four in the hole now and gotta get cracking.

Ugh. Tomorrow I finally see pnurse and my therapist. I go back to work on Wednesday even though I don’t want to. I’m struggling there too. Went in late, left early, and/or took long breaks at home last week every day. I’m really going to try to work the whole day on Wednesday.

That sounds Amazing fun!

Congratulations on winning a book!

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Congratulations on getting a morning schedule. I just can’t seem to find one that works for me. But honestly I could try much harder.

I grew up playing D&D absolutely loved it. My daughter loves it and thought she came across something new LOL She got such a kick out of knowing my brother and I grew up playing !

I think it’s wonderful your going back to school. Yea getting a semester done will be a great achievement and going on for another will indeed give you confidence

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It’s an enormous loss. I think eventually tine will help ease the pain. Be kind to yourself

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I hope you kick COVID’s but quickly ! The flower show sounds amazing !

Hugs

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Well Tapatalk is a mess today for some reason or it’s just my crappy damn internet.

Hopefully this comes through.. it’s acting weird

I just feel BLAH ! Today is the anniversary of losing my Mom in 2004 so there’s that!

Tomorrow will be better!

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I'm so, so sorry that several of you are having a rough time.

@Nammu , years ago I had a dream about a chain link fence. In the dream I was locked inside of a very large, empty place that was surrounded by the fence. I was in my car, which was driving in reverse at a rapid speed. I lost brake power and I was yelling, hoping the fence would stop my car, but pretty sure it wouldn't. I awoke before the car hit the fence. That dream has stayed with me all this time. I sure hope your sleep tonight is better.

@Mountaindewed , I think they need to stop nagging at you about what you're eating. It is obviously causing you a lot of anxiety. It just doesn't seem productive to me to comment on things like what % of milk you're drinking. I think it's excellent that you're drinking the latte. That's good enough for now.

@wildflowerchild25...I am deeply concerned about you. It's not the med (Seroquel) itself misuse. (I've done that with Seroquel and also ended up extremely sedated, but unable to sleep. Actually, a smaller dose, 25 or 50mg., is more likely to cause sleep). What worries me is how destructive you're continuing to feel. I mean, it's been quite a while, now.

It's great news on your incision healing well. You body is doing its job really well. Your body wants you to be healed and healthy. I have found that a shower can be immensely grounding and soothing. I hope your shower is (or was) both. Your hair color sounds lovely! Have fun with it tomorrow.

@~Christina The anniversaries are usually hard. I lost my mom in 2004, too. It was in May, but so strangely, I don't recall the date. I hope spring comes even a little bit early for you and brings joy with it.

I had an excellent and productive session with Mary. I'm amazed at what a talented therapist she is when she's not out sick every 4th session.

I came home to find that Amazon did the job, delivered my heater, and it's plugged in and warming my apartment! What a relief. My mom, who came from Sacramento, married my dad (who was from Brooklyn). They lived in NYC and my sisters were raised there. Mom always said that the cold in northern California was worse than the winters in NY. The cold in California goes "right through your bones" - I remember her saying that so many times. So, yes, having this wonderful little heater is a true blessing.

Today is my eldest sister's 78th birthday. I sent her a really pretty card with bright pastel flowers that sparkle and can be "felt." I wanted to send her a card that is stimulating to her mind (she has dementia).

I am following the Tyre Nichols case closely. He is someone I truly believe should not have been murdered the way he was. I mean, no one should be murdered, obviously. I just feel his death was terribly unjust. The 3 EMT's who stood around chatting with the cops as Tyre lay there on the ground have been fired, thankfully.

Oh- I have increased my Prozac dose to 40mg on my own. It's rather sad I suppose, but I have 35 years of experience with psych meds. I'm doing very well on the 40mgs. That kid who prescribes my meds...oy, I won't even get started. Anyway, I told the pharmacy and the clinic that I accidentally threw my bottle of Prozac away and need a new prescription. I'm hoping I can get enough to hold me over at the 40mg dose until I see the new pdoc in late February.

I filed my appeal for disability today. My mom also wrote a detailed letter that may or may not help my case. We will see. Let's hope for the best.

Told h he was being obnoxious. He took it as we're heading for a divorce. I didn't mean to scare him like that. What I meant is his energy is to much for me to handle. He's hoping this is normal. I'm seeing it as hypomanic hints.

I've been depressed for a while now and the last week or so it's been getting worse. I was supposed to see my pdoc in person today but she emailed me last night to ask if I was sure I wanted to drive up there because of potentially bad weather. I said the weather was ok but could we do virtual anyway because I'm exhausted from not sleeping. She said of course, moved my time up to one that was more convenient (probably for her too) and so I did therapy virtually too (usually I drive to therapy (1 hr 15 minutes from here and then my pdoc is another hour from there).

So she was concerned. She is increasing my nighttime gabapentin and klonopin a lot and my Emsam patch is increasing 3 days per week. I'm going to be tired for a while. But I'm tired now from not sleeping so I'd rather be tired from meds.


I'm so glad I didn't have to drive up there. I wanted to call and ask to change to virtual but I hate making more work for whoever has to change the appointment back (I requested to go from virtual to in-person last week when I thought it was better for her to just see me).

I really hope this works. I'm so tired I'm saying and typing the wrong words and the depression is considerably worse than 10 days ago when my therapist did a depression check-list with me. I should have asked him to do another today but I hate those things.

3 more hours until I take the big dose of sedatives. I can't wait.

I actually did throw away my bottle of ambien! They are tiny little pills and they put them in a big bottle. So I got my old small bottle, took off the label put the new label on the old bottle and threw the big bottle out without putting the pills in the small bottle! So last night when I went to fill my container there was one pill of ambien in the bottle! So I was standing in the garage at 10pm in my nightgown digging in the trash for the bag I threw out, because no way would they refill a brand new bottle of ambien.

I don't know where else to share my feelings.... I think it's been a while since I wrote anything in the Bipolar check in thread, but maybe I'll start.

I've been trying to wait for this med change to kick in, but so far, I'm feeling worse than before. It's only been a week, but I'm having a very difficult time coping in the meantime and not really sure what to do. My next pdoc visit is on 2/8, and I don't know whether it is worth calling her before then only to hear that I need to give the medication time. I am having a very difficult time at work. My anxiety is really bad. For a while I felt for the lack of a better word, "activated," or maybe a little hypomanic with anxiety. Now, depression is starting to set in with the anxiety. I just had a crying spell and felt worse than I have in a long time. Some unsafe thoughts, but I have a plan to talk to someone instead of acting on them. I am feeling bad about myself and starting to feel hopeless and unable to find pleasure in the things I used to. This is all happening so fast.

I really wish everyone well here and hope you don't mind if I need to vent

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Originally Posted by Brentus I filed my appeal for disability today. My mom also wrote a detailed letter that may or may not help my case. We will see. Let's hope for the best.

Great!


I'm sorry if I've asked this before, but do you have a lawyer...also, (again, sorry if I've already asked) were you able to submit info from your pdoc and therapist?

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ... I'm going to be tired for a while. But I'm tired now from not sleeping so I'd rather be tired from meds.

I agree. Being tired from lack of sleep feels like being in tatters to me, like being shredded. Med tired is unpleasant and annoying, but I'd take it any day over lack of sleep.

But I am so sorry to hear you're depressed, Rainbow. Thank the Universe your pdoc is on top of things.