Bipolar Check-in #72

Hi hi everyone !

My Fibromyalgia flare is just ridiculous at this point

We went for our medical appt today. It’s a walk in clinic with that offers primary care. So UNIMPRESSED. Not that I expected much but still …… we go back next week for lab results which is stupid. Just call with results !! but that’s NOT a money maker for them.

I’m just all around unhappy and grumpy. I broke a nail on the way home and ranted and raved like a lunatic.

It will get better. It’s always does

Anyone have plans for the weekend ??

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I’m going to a murder mystery fundraiser for the library that takes place at the historic home we have. Not at all old compared to the east coast or Europe but the oldest we got. I’m nervous about it but also looking forward to it.

Tonight I went back to the home and got mum all comfortable then we watched the skating. That was nice.

I took my night meds- plus new additional dose of Trazodone. Works great getting me to sleep but I slept in too much today.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I took my night meds- plus new additional dose of Trazodone. Works great getting me to sleep but I slept in too much today.

I'm so glad the Trazodone is working for you, though. Give it some time, you know...it'll probably make you less sleepy.


The last time I took Trazodone I had a horrible experience. I took it exactly as prescribed and the dose was a standard for-sleep dose. But the effect it had on me was as though I had overdosed. I was seeing flashing lights and I felt like I was blacking out. I made myself sit on the edge of the bed and talk aloud. I was really fighting not to pass out. I just kept talking and singing and finally I was able to drink some water. So scary.

Obviously I’m watching what’s happening from another country so I’m not getting everything involved like I would if I lived there, but from what I’ve seen on the news here the protests are about racism (another Black death at the hands of police)- but weren’t all the police involved the same colour too? Or are the protests about the fact the police killed someone in general? Sorry I know what happened was horrible and it’s a hard subject to talk about. I really feel for people who have to be afraid of the police just because of the colour of their skin.

Glad the trazodone is helping you sleep. I started trazodone a few weeks ago and it has helped me too. Although at first I was sleeping too much on it, but it seems to have leveled out some and I’m getting up around 6-7am now instead of 10:30am. It’s was making me extremely tired at first even during the day. But now I’m doing okay with it.

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I talked with my therapist about my mood issues lately. The high euphoria and the low depressive stuff. She said it’s to be expected with my diagnosis (my main diagnosis the past 10 years since I was 18 is schizoaffective disorder bipolar type). I was doing well for many years on my meds then started struggling again recently and couldn’t figure out why. I said it’s manageable and she said it’s just expected with my disorder but that if it gets worse to talk with my psychiatrist about a med adjustment. I don’t think I will need that. I think it’s just a kind of blip or whatever. Occasionally symptoms come through but I don’t think it necessitates a med change.

We talked about how I’m doing a lot better though. I used to be extremely impulsive and reckless when manic, and when depressed it was severe and lasted for many months to a year and I could only think about suicide and slept all day and barely got out of bed to do even basic things. Couldn’t be bothered with hygiene etc and my paranoia was bad.

Now on meds my depression doesn’t end up that severe, and my manic symptoms are pretty much under control to the point where when I experience highs it’s more like hypomania then the life damaging mania like I used to experience. So that’s good. And a majority of the time my mood is a normal level of good or neutral , thanks to meds I don’t get severe highs or lows, my mood pretty much stays stable. Although recently it’s been a little off but as she said that’s just the way these things work, sometimes there’s blips or whatever and symptoms will come through. Also I’m not dealing with psychosis level delusion anymore like when I believed my doctor was poisoning me and like the government was out to get me.

So it’s progress

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I’m going back to college in the fall, as a part-time student. Taking 2 classes. Working towards finally finishing my associates degree. It’s a ways away from now (classes start like last day of august)

I had to drop out a few times in college previously due to not being able to manage both my mental health issues and the stress of college. I haven’t gone back since 2019. I think I’m ready now and my therapist agrees , she thinks I’ve made a lot of progress over the years and am a lot more stable (also more nurture because I’m older now, when I initially started college I was 22, now I’m 28) so I should be able to handle it this time

Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend, I’ll post more later today. I’m just having coffee now and spending time with my cats.

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I lost my pdoc of six years due to insurance issues about a month and a half ago. I’m extremely lucky I found another one quickly, we will see what insurance has to say about them soon I guess. Unfortunately, I have everyone that actually know me telling me I need to get into therapy asap as well. It’s kind of a sore spot because I don’t want to and I don’t know what to say to those people. I have a hard enough time posting here. Here’s what sucks. I’ve tried, I really have. I send an email, wait a few days then I call. Nothing. No email back, no call back, no answering their phone. This includes clinics so it’s not just independent therapists. I’ve done this now eight times over the past month. I’m not exaggerating, eight times. If I count the clinics I’ve called that do answer their phone to tell me they aren’t accepting new patients that number balloons to 12. How tf is this possible?

Part of me is like yay, I tried, it’s not my fault, I’m fine anyway. Then there’s the part that acknowledges that I am pretty f’d up and need professional help because meds alone don’t fix this. I feel a little lucky that I don’t live in the middle of nowhere anymore and there actually are 12 to call but this is getting absurd.

Blue_Bird, this is great progress! I can say that my bipolar disorder gradually eased over time, similarly, after what was a long horrible time in my life. Black and white thinking never does any good. I'm so glad to read that you also see different shades of gray as good.

Hubby and I had pleasant afternoon with his long-time friend and his always sweet wife. I have known the couple since before our marriage. Hopefully we'll see them (and some other friends) more often in the future.

During our visit with the friends, I received a WhatsApp text from my sister. She said her MIL died this morning. I was never in any way close to her MIL, but I do still feel a bit sad as seeing more and more people pass IS rough in life. Right now, it seems that only my father is left of our parents' generation. Many uncles have also passed away. [I only had blood uncles.] @otroo, my youngest nephew also died from suicide, so I totally also understand that pain. And my brother is currently fighting for his life, because of pancreatic cancer. I've realized how important it is to savor the little things and moments in life.

Today the results of the recent Czech presidential election have been announced. As usual, Hubby voted for neither of the top 2 candidates, but it seems that the "lesser of the 2 evils" at least luckily seems to have won. I hope things work out relatively OK with this new guy. The last president being replaced because of term limit was a drunk and really inappropriate in behavior. This new man likely won't embarrass the country and is very alligned with the West. The sucker Czech candidate that lost today is a typical billionaire charged with crimes, liar, and Putin boot kisser. As a bonus, the winner is a rather handsome older man.

@~Christina, I hope your pain eases soon. Sorry that your visit to the doctor was disappointing.

I’m still pretty sick but I don’t think my brain can focus on two things at once so even though the depression and SH thoughts are still there they’re not as intense. Hopefully it stays that way. I went back to the 1mg haldol, 2mg is just too much side effect wise. The propranolol is definitely helping anxiety as well. I’m still seeing pnurse on Tuesday (virtually bc covid) so maybe I’ll get on something for depression. The lamictal helped for six years so I should be grateful for that at least. Idk, I’ll have to see what ideas she has. I will stress that I can’t take SSRI or SNRI though. Those send me straight into full blown mania pretty quick no matter how low the dose.

RS is being so nice to me through all this. It’s different having someone so supportive. No one’s ever been this supportive or loving to me during intense episodes. And I did find something that helps get through intense SH thoughts. I need to squeeze something (I have squishy squeeze toys) in my left hand and an ice pack in my right and pour all the tension into squeezing. It takes awhile but it does calm me down, at least for a bit. Better than nothing.

I do wish I could take a walk, it’s finally sunny and sort of warm Ish. But even putting just my socks and underwear away took my breath away and weakened me so that’s out of the question. I did open the blinds in my bedroom though so I can sun myself like a cat haha.

Feel better soon. Both physical and mental, you have a double whammy right now. Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you! And I’m glad you had a good afternoon with friends I’m glad yours has eased over time too

Yeah things seemed to calm down some as I got older. Years from 12 years old to 23 were the most rough. Now things have kind of stayed much more stable since then, for the past 5 years. I haven’t been in the hospital for 5 years which is a good sign. Before that I ended up there frequently because when I was manic I’d stop taking my meds, or I’d be so depressed I was basically non functional. I ended up being sent to the hospital in the back of a police car once, was a little out of control. I also wasn’t doing self care and stuff of that nature which I think helps in combo with meds. I’ve done a lot of work with CBT and learning to keep myself healthy by sleeping every night, exercise, meditating, coping skills.

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Mine calmed down a lot especially after menopause. But yeah, I think self care played a huge role in that too. The bedtime routine, really important!

I took a long shower. This morning. But otherwise thinking of all the things and reasons to back out of the murder mystery.

My lack of hearing
The lack of parking near the historic house
It will be freezing out
I have no make up, therefore no mask
Etc…..

Well. My sister, and nephews and niece have all been here since about 8:30 last night. And it looks like they will be staying tonight too. Its the pipe issue. Their water is still turned off. Its been a big ordeal and headache for my brother in law to deal with and its less of an ordeal (for my sister anyways) to bring everyone over here then to go to a hotel.

I've actually been perfectly fine mental health wise today. My anxiety is really low and my moods are great. Physically I am pretty tired and I was so lethargic this morning that a coffee Coke and a medium Diet Coke couldn't keep me up and I finally took about a 1.5 hour nap between 11-12:30 while my sister was out with the kids.

I didn't sleep the greatest again last night. I still don't ever get this tired during the day really. but I took my meds properly for once which may be why my moods and anxiety are ok today. I'm just happy for the break in the bad moods.

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Originally Posted by unlived Obviously I’m watching what’s happening from another country so I’m not getting everything involved like I would if I lived there, but from what I’ve seen on the news here the protests are about racism (another Black death at the hands of police)- but weren’t all the police involved the same colour too? Or are the protests about the fact the police killed someone in general? Sorry I know what happened was horrible and it’s a hard subject to talk about. I really feel for people who have to be afraid of the police just because of the colour of their skin.

The death of Tyre Nichols was so wrong and absolutely hideous. He grew up in the city I come from, which is not very far from where I now live. So there's a lot of local news about him. He was a decent, nice person. Loved skateboarding, the ocean, and was into photography. He has a young son.

And YES - as if the murder isn't horrifying enough, the 5 cops who beat Tyre Nichols to death are themselves Black. I hope the hounds of hell come down on them, but I won't be at all surprised if they are not convicted, or are given light convictions, simply because they are cops.

Oh, I think those 5 cops will be convicted. The Minnesota cops were and their crime was more absent out right violence, it was more passive. What those 5 did was violent and depraved. I hope they get the maximum sentence they can get.

~June 5th, 1993 - Jaunary 10th, 2023~
Rest in Peace and May Justice Be Served!
~Tyre Nichols~

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Originally Posted by Nammu Oh, I think those 5 cops will be convicted. The Minnesota cops were and their crime was more absent out right violence, it was more passive. What those 5 did was violent and depraved. I hope they get the maximum sentence they can get.

I hope and pray they are fully and 100% convicted of murder. "Depraved" is certainly the word. Also, the EMT's! My God, what kind of human beings are they, to be EMT's and stand around like that?

You are clearly making progress @Blue_Bird . I can sense it from your posts over time. Going back to school sounds fabulous! Do you know which classes you'll be taking?
Thanks for the pics. The ladies are adorable

I heard second degree manslaughter is 16-60 years. I’m hoping for the 60 years with more tacked on holding them to a higher standard than your everyday joe. I hope they are charged with terrorism as well as kidnapping.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Random 503 ...Here’s what sucks. I’ve tried, I really have. I send an email, wait a few days then I call. Nothing. No email back, no call back, no answering their phone. This includes clinics so it’s not just independent therapists. I’ve done this now eight times over the past month. I’m not exaggerating, eight times. If I count the clinics I’ve called that do answer their phone to tell me they aren’t accepting new patients that number balloons to 12. How tf is this possible? Part of me is like yay, I tried, it’s not my fault, I’m fine anyway. Then there’s the part that acknowledges that I am pretty f’d up and need professional help because meds alone don’t fix this. I feel a little lucky that I don’t live in the middle of nowhere anymore and there actually are 12 to call but this is getting absurd.

I'm sure glad you were able to get a new pdoc right away, but I SO hear you on the therapist thing! When I was trying to find a therapist I emailed and called several private therapists who never even bothered to acknowledge me with an "I'm sorry, I don't take insurance."

And the "We're not taking new patients" is far too common. The mental health care system is not doing very well. That said - do keep trying! When you finally find a therapist it will likely be a good one.

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Originally Posted by Nammu I heard second degree manslaughter is 16-60 years. I’m hoping for the 60 years with more tacked on holding them to a higher standard than your everyday joe. I hope they are charged with terrorism as well as kidnapping.

~~~Amen~~~