Bipolar Check-in #72

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Originally Posted by Nammu I actually did throw away my bottle of ambien! They are tiny little pills and they put them in a big bottle. So I got my old small bottle, took off the label put the new label on the old bottle and threw the big bottle out without putting the pills in the small bottle! So last night when I went to fill my container there was one pill of ambien in the bottle! So I was standing in the garage at 10pm in my nightgown digging in the trash for the bag I threw out, because no way would they refill a brand new bottle of ambien.

Ohhh, yikes. I'm so glad you were able to retrieve the Ambien! Yes, you would have had a hard time with that one. I truly lost a paper script for Klonopin a few years ago, it was an absolute mystery because I lost it before I even left the clinic. That was with my wonderful pdoc. I was so embarrassed, because she was in a fluster over the lost script. But we trusted each other, which was a wonderful feeling. So she re-wrote for the Klonopin.

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Originally Posted by xRavenx .... I've been trying to wait for this med change to kick in, but so far, I'm feeling worse than before. It's only been a week, but I'm having a very difficult time coping in the meantime and not really sure what to do. My next pdoc visit is on 2/8, and I don't know whether it is worth calling her before then only to hear that I need to give the medication time. ...

Damn them when they say that. It is not only cruel, it can be dangerous when prescribers don't take a patient's depression seriously. That's what mine said 3 weeks ago, and that's why I've found a different pdoc, and that's why I've increased the anti-dep myself - and increasing it is why I'm feeling so much better.

I'm so glad you've posted here, xRavenx. I do encourage you to call your pdoc. No one should have to live with breaking down and crying all the time. That's what was happening to me and it was awful. Be very, very insistent. If you feel like crying, don't hold back. 2/8 is way too far away. Make her do her job, not blow you off.

Check in. We're here

Oh that was sweet of her to do. It’s good you had the wonderful pdoc then. Somehow I doubt boy doc would have done that.

I don't have a lawyer. I can't afford one -- unless it were be a negotiation where they take the backpay, i still don't think I could do it.

I did get my therapists/psychiatrist notes sent.

I just took my new, higher doses of sleep meds. I'm so afraid they won't work and I'll feel this tired tomorrow. I have permission to take even more if I'm awake in the night.


I hate when depression makes me feel negative about the stupidest things. If I don't sleep my pdoc will help me sleep. I have an extremely sedating AP that can be increased if we have to. Etc. I'm just feeling tired, scared and negative. I know that's the depression talking because I also feel fairly sure this will work but I just don't trust it.

It reminds me of when I was in the hospital starting Emsam. I had less than 30% chance it would work so I was being cautious. The morning I started it all the staff were excited for me and I was as happy as I could be but this stupid art therapist was leading group and couldn't understanding I was feeling reserved because I knew this would either be a wonder med or a difficult situation. I was happy, just not jumping up and down happy. Later, when it worked, that's when I celebrated. I feel the same reservation. It will go away.

My first day back on the job. I feel more relaxed than when I was working before my accident. It looks like my return is getting around the company. It seems everyone knows about my accident, replete with rumors. I discovered that I can live off of what I get with Social Security. This gives me freedom that I did not know I have. The case manager from the personal injury law firm phoned me. This is the first call from them since I signed up with them more than a month ago. I sure hope the other driver is well insured. They were given a ticket “failed to yield right of way” by the policeman. This helps my case. My depression goes up and down, but with some effort, I remain functional. My dog is snoring again, she belched a couple days ago, and it has been awhile since she farted. Now aren’t these good examples of a dog with talent?

Lately I have been feeling an oncoming manic episode. I now have to be very careful now. I can spend on impulse, which can better be considered a compulsion. Past episodes cost me allot of money, that which I will never recover from. So one thing I am doing is to constantly check my bank balances. Another is a purchase requirements list that details the conditions that have to be met before a purchase is made. I am a little scared about finding myself increasing my debt that I cannot realistically pay down. I never want to go bankrupt. As it is, I will have to work the rest of my life to pay off what I already owe now. So this helps too in keeping me from spending more money.

During most of my life I've been injury prone. Mostly all small injuries, with only a few exceptions. Stress levels and my general pace of activities are major contributors. I seem careless too often. Hubby is always telling me to be more careful, but I can't seem to be. I also think my high pain tolerance is partly to blame.



Today we pick out paint colors for our house interior. I also need to study Czech in preparation for my class this week. I also finally see my new psychiatrist here, after not seeing one for four months. I hope it works out with her.

Well, I slept 2.5 hours...I have an additional med for this situation which is why I'm online; I don't know what it is and need to check. I am so frustrated. I was sure I'd slept 6 hours minimum when I woke up.

Oh well. It is what it is. This will end.

And at least med tired you have a chance at sleep. Sometimes it's sleeping 12 hours and bam, that's 12 hours you didn't have to deal with being awake!

I'm glad you're at work doing better! Your dog sounds classy I hope you don't go full manic, maybe a med change/increase may help?

Ah, I too have done the "running down a steep hill and wiping out" thing while manic. In public. So embarrassing. I didn't get quite as hurt as you though, just some scrapes and bruises.

Did you manage to get some more sleep? I sure hope so!

My voice still hasn't come back completely, but I was able to see a doc about it. He seems to believe that my sinus drainage is not yet complete and also interacting directly with my vocal cords. All I know is I have an intermittent stereotypical sore throat voice with absolutely no head voice. He's prescribed me steroids in two forms (pill and spray) which has made my PscyhNP freak out about possible hypomania. So... fun times.

Work today! Hopefully, my voice won't be too much trouble!

I woke up from 3-5am and woke up at 6am for good. I’ve been using Covid as an excuse to stay sequestered in bed (though it is a real excuse, I’m really not trying to get CR sick). But even when no one is home I’m glued to this bed. Im ordering lunch today because I can’t put forth the effort to get to the kitchen and make a sandwich. Im not sure I’ll even be able to go to the front door and pick up the lunch when it’s delivered. Not without a good five minute fight. I did dye my hair, only because then I could stand in the shower for 20 minutes rinsing it out. So at least I’m clean.

Im not even getting dressed in real clothes. I’m in sweats today, yesterday I was in my workout leggings. Putting on jeans and a real shirt is too much. This is really bad, if you knew me you’d understand that not wearing real clothes triggers me and I have NEVER, not in my deepest and darkest, been unable to get dressed.

I can’t even listen to music, I’m just laying here with the fan running in near silence. I took 50mg seroquel in hopes of sleeping but to no avail. I’m just tired.



I don’t have a clue as to how I’m going to get through work tomorrow. I really thought this would be a job I could do. But now…now I feel like permanent disability is just looming closer and closer. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I know many of us here are on it. It’s just upsetting. I can’t work customer service part time either, I tried that over the summer at the dollar store. My brain is too ravaged from ECT and meds, I can’t remember things and I certainly can’t count money. I screwed up all the time.

Maybe I just need a break. It just makes me sad that since I’ve worked full time (since 2011) I’ve had to take leave every year except for two. It’s not going to be sustainable in the long run.

I’ll see what pnurse has to say. I keep saying this but I really hope she has a fast working suggestion. Even if there’s just some hope.

Edit:
Oh no now I’m hearing music. When I’m very bad I hear soft repeating music. Now I’m getting scared

Sending much love wfc. I hope your pnurse is helpful, and quickly. I would hate to see you back in the dark spot you were in (I forget how long ago, I'm time blind, but it was within the past year or so).

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Originally Posted by Nammu Oh that was sweet of her to do. It’s good you had the wonderful pdoc then. Somehow I doubt boy doc would have done that.

"boy doc" - I like that. Yes, that pdoc I had for almost 5 years and she was excellent. She left the clinic to work with children and teens through a program that is really interesting. I was so sorry to lose her. I miss her.

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Originally Posted by Brentus I don't have a lawyer. I can't afford one -- unless it were be a negotiation where they take the backpay, i still don't think I could do it. I did get my therapists/psychiatrist notes sent.

Do you know that the lawyer won't take payment unless, and until, you are approved?

Isn't it also a set amount of your backpay and nothing more? I didn't use a lawyer but I thought that was the rule.

I heard it was 1/4 of your back pay. If they work on contingency.

Thank you for your update @wildflowerchild25. (I dislike that I have to type out formal usernames to tag people.)

I'm very concerned about you. Please ask RS to hold anything that may be dangerous for you, okay? When will he be home?

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Isn't it also a set amount of your backpay and nothing more? I didn't use a lawyer but I thought that was the rule.

Yes, that's how it worked for me.

I ate the tuna last night. Then I felt so sick I almost wanted to go to the ER. My therapist doesn't seem to understand that people aren't always not hungry because they are restricting food. But her nagging me so much almost sent me to the ER. I was able to take a ton of OTC stomach and pain meds and I slept it off. I woke up feeling ok and I ate pretty good this morning. This afternoon has been kinda iffy. I don't think I can make my monthly test though. I'll do it tommorow afternoon. Its technically a couple days early anyways. I did get to a few grocery stores this morning I guess at that point I didn't have the mental energy for blood work and now I'm too physically worn out to leave my house again.

Hey all, just had an appointment with my psychiatrist.

My appointment went well. It was quick. She asked how things are going with my therapist with working on the trauma stuff (they work in the same office) and I told her it’s going well , and that talking about everything has helped overall even though at first it was hard and kind of made things worse for awhile. I told her about the weight loss and she asked how I did it and said healthy/balanced eating and exercising, she said that’s really good and is glad I have managed to stop bingeing and am no longer purging etc and she asked if things are still on track for me to go back to college in August and I said yes, asked about the library volunteer stuff, I told her I turned in the application in person to them and called them today, the librarian wasn’t in the office or at her desk when I called this morning, so I have to call back and try again so I can figure out how long it generally takes to hear back about volunteer applications. She said she is proud of me and that I’m doing well and to keep doing what I’m doing. Sent out my refills to my pharmacy and we are meeting again on March 28th

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I hope your finger gets better soon

I hope you have fun with your language class. I took an Italian class when I started college and really enjoyed it so much.

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Hugs to Wildflowerchild and Mountaindewed and anyone else who needs them or is struggling right now I hope you all feel better soon

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Brentus I hope things go well with your appeal it’s good to see you around

And Beth I am glad the Prozac increase is helping

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Hey I've been around, just not posting or responding to anything.

I'm still feeling low and anxious. My pdoc increased my gabapentin a week ago to get better control over the anxiety. My anxiety is really strong in the mornings and evenings but I get a break for a few hours around noon.

The depression is doing its thing. I have low days and lower days. Today is one of the lower days.

I'm going to Mexico starting next Monday for a vacation. I'm going with my wife to an all inclusive resort. I'm planning to try to gain at least 10 pounds from all the eating and drinking. But I'll go to the gym there too.

I've been going to the gym 4 times a week. My trainer says he's seeing small improvements. I managed to do 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer today for the first time. My muscles and heart are weak and I'm trying to regain some strength. My Fitbit seems satisfied with my progress so far.

I run a popular blog and I put a lot of work and money into it. I do it because it is one of the few things that brings me any sense of accomplishment and hope. I don't make anything from it. I'm running an ad on a popular website to get some more visitors. The ad went live today so I'll see how it goes.