Bipolar Check-in #72

Always good to read your posts Blue_Bird!

Thanks everyone for the info about a disability lawyer. I didn't know the parameters. I may have to look into getting one. The only thing that makes me angry about it is the bureaucracy. Having a disability lawyer put the "right words" in the "right places" doesn't make me any more or less disabled. You know? I guess it would be worth a shot if the reconsideration process doesn't work.



I'm a little behind today. I need to make another psychiatrist appointment that I forgot to do on Friday. Due to the Adderall shortage I was late getting my script filled and had some pretty sluggish days. Just starting to turn around. Therapy today was, well, weird but I start IOP Monday with her as well. I don't know what 3 hours of therapy 3 days a week is gonna be like... but here's to that.

I'm getting an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen for my 30th birthday on Saturday. I've wanted one for years. I never actually asked for one for my birthday though. When I was leaving a treatment center they threw me a goodbye party and I asked for one and they said no and got me cookies they didn't let me bring with me. Even though that place saved my life the food restriction was so bad it defienetly caused some of current issues. But I'm finally getting the ice cream cake now at least. To be fair, this place did get me a really special double chocolate cake with 3 SpongeBob plastic figures on top for my 16th birthday. So they did truly care I'm just going through a lot with this whole eating stuff.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 .... I run a popular blog and I put a lot of work and money into it. I do it because it is one of the few things that brings me any sense of accomplishment and hope. I don't make anything from it. I'm running an ad on a popular website to get some more visitors. The ad went live today so I'll see how it goes.

That is so cool, Scooter! I hope the ad goes well. Enjoy Mexico. My son and DIL are there this week.

You have my sympathy on the anxiety. I swear, there's nothing more difficult than anxiety.

Med Boy approved the "emergency" Prozac. Good, I can remain on 40mg and actually not feel depressed. Annoying that Medicare won't cover an emergency override so I have to pay $27. I've never requested this before, you'd think they'd make an exception one time. Oh, well. It's well worth $27 to not be depressed.

Ohhhh that picture is awesome 🤩

well surprise, surprise, surprise! Med boy stepped up!

I see pdoc for follow up tomorrow. I’m
Happy to report how well I feel! Just dreading how late I’ll get home. My appt isn’t until 5:40pm. And it’s close to an hour from home but worth it.

So they wouldn't fill my latiuda. It needs a prior authorization yet neglected to say anything to me so I spent $15 going there for nothing and they told me to call in 72 hrs to check. I have a week of my 40's mg Left I'm so angry. So I tried to go on my portal but my pdoc can't be messaged there. So we messaged my family doctor that I have yet to see and asked what to do and if I can change pharmacy to the one by mail. I can't do all the navigation of things we have to get done. I spent the last of February money getting food because no one can handle cooking. I'm so done I want to rot in a corner.

My daughter wanted me to go to her pdoc today and sit in with her. I told her if her guy asked me anything that I would tell him the truth. Well he asked me some questions and I told him the truth while she is sitting there saying she is fine lol. She thanked me for being honest with him. He started her on new medications.

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Pnurse agreed to Wellbutrin. I’m a bit more upbeat. Now I can trust her to not immediately send me IP or IOP. And my therapist is going to do twice a week sessions until I feel better. I’m not sure about the Wellbutrin but at least it’s something, I feel heard. Tomorrow will be tough at work but I remembered Thursday and Friday are half days so at least there’s that.

So I have a little hope to hang on to. Only problem is my pnurse is taking on my old pdoc’s patients because she retired so I can get back in until mid March, but pnurse did say call and leave a message if nothing improves.

I got 12 visitors from the ad's first partial day. That's 12 more than before and it's a good start. I usually get about 250 visits per day and I'm hoping for 50 to 100 more from the ad. Hope is one thing, reality is another. I'll see how it goes.

I hope your son and DIL enjoy their time in Mexico. We're planning excursions to popular places but we'll see how the weather is when we get there.

Yeah the anxiety is a pain. It starts as soon as I wake up and goes from there non-stop for hours until about 12 then I get a break until about 3pm when it starts up again right up to when I fall asleep. But I'm grateful that I get a few hours break from it, maybe it'll be better in Mexico.

Hello all! Checking in. I came home with a chest cold from my recent trip. I usually get a cold there when I’m overly exhausted and push myself too hard. I’ve been sleeping 12-14 hour days I’ve been so tired. I’m actually feeling better now. My aunt called yesterday and had caught COVID and was concerned that we were exposed to it. Thankfully my aunt who has aggressive cancer didn’t catch it. I took a COVID test that was negative.

I feel up to continuing my busy schedule tomorrow. I’ll take it slow and steady.

Mom will be 88 in May and her dementia is getting more pronounced. She is cantankerous more often and takes it out on me as I’m the one there. It’s doing a number on me. I’ve hired someone to come in and help out while I get out of the house and away from her for several hours. I love my mom but I need to take some steps for self care at this time.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening and day tomorrow. Much love.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Ohhhh that picture is awesome 🤩 well surprise, surprise, surprise! Med boy stepped up!

Yeah! I was surprised at him, frankly.

Thank you, but I cheated a bit. I'm really rushing spring when I have no right to. It's like rushing a pregnancy. Spring will come when she's ready. The photo is from last spring although, to be fair to myself, the tree (a flowering plum) will look like that in 10 days - God willing and the creeks don't rise.

I will look for a cherry blossom tree in a week and if my camera will work, take a pic of that to post. I very much need a new camera.

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo My daughter wanted me to go to her pdoc today and sit in with her. I told her if her guy asked me anything that I would tell him the truth. Well he asked me some questions and I told him the truth while she is sitting there saying she is fine lol. She thanked me for being honest with him. He started her on new medications. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

You're a good dad

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 I got 12 visitors from the ad's first partial day. That's 12 more than before and it's a good start. I usually get about 250 visits per day and I'm hoping for 50 to 100 more from the ad. Hope is one thing, reality is another. I'll see how it goes. I hope your son and DIL enjoy their time in Mexico. We're planning excursions to popular places but we'll see how the weather is when we get there. Yeah the anxiety is a pain. It starts as soon as I wake up and goes from there non-stop for hours until about 12 then I get a break until about 3pm when it starts up again right up to when I fall asleep. But I'm grateful that I get a few hours break from it, maybe it'll be better in Mexico.

That really is a good start!

Thank you, yes, they travel but work remotely. So their "vacations" are often working ones (they travel a lot). They're in a town near Puerto Vallarta. I guess they like it because they keep going back.

I have my fingers crossed for you...the change in environment may be just the diversion to shift your anxiety.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So they wouldn't fill my latiuda. It needs a prior authorization yet neglected to say anything to me so I spent $15 going there for nothing and they told me to call in 72 hrs to check. I have a week of my 40's mg Left I'm so angry. So I tried to go on my portal but my pdoc can't be messaged there. So we messaged my family doctor that I have yet to see and asked what to do and if I can change pharmacy to the one by mail. I can't do all the navigation of things we have to get done. I spent the last of February money getting food because no one can handle cooking. I'm so done I want to rot in a corner.

Mm, I am so, so sorry. Pharmacy stuff can be such BS and damned frustrating.

Today I see my new psychiatrist near where we'll be living in a couple months. I am prepared, but still a little nervous. I was very satisfied with the psychiatrist I had where we last lived (in the south of Czech Republic). The good thing about him was that I didn't compare him to my long-time psychiatrist in the US and it was also good that I had no transference issues with him, either, like I had with my old American one.

This new pdoc is a female. I only ever had a couple female psychiatrists, briefly, when hospitalized or in an outpatient program. I recall liking them well enough, so I hope it will be the same again. I am nervous that this new pdoc's English isn't as good as the pdoc's in the south. We'll see. Hubby will join me today for the first meeting.

Tomorrow my new Czech class starts. I'm nervous about that, too. Feeling slightly overwhelmed.

I am up early watching some medical videos on mental health. I heard a really great insightful speech that I wish more doctor's would take to heart. "I can improve all your symptoms but not improve your life. I want to do both as a clinician". There is so much truth to that statement. There is a thread someone started talking about diagnoses and medicines and how we feel about them and I think that really got me to thinking about that -- we need more people to realize we are not a list of symptoms but genuine people who suffer through living with them. Doctors tend to lose sight of that sometimes and I found it refreshing to hear one talk in terms of a person, not a diagnosis.

I know I come and go so much it's hard to keep up or to really following anything in my life, but it is very mundane and monotonous. I don't do much to be honest so you're not missing anything -- I'm still doing my best to contribute more here. I'll just share some thoughts I'm having today -- if anything tracks interest I'll make a thread, but in general I don't think anything I'm saying goes beyond just talking about my day. My days have been really improved within the last year or so with therapy and medicine changes (finally something that is at least stable, but not exactly optimal for me). I'm really grateful for my progress and my quality of being -- even if my "quality of life" is still not viable, my well being is a lot better which in turn, makes it all worth it.

I think today I will spend some time in self reflection and accumulate some positive emotions by being able to see where I've been and where I am going. I think it's an important thing for us to do from time to time-- to check in with ourselves. I really like utilizing the idea that this moment is not indicative or anything but that very moment. The next may change -- I may change. It may be just a blip in the grand scheme of things. I find that to help me through when I get overwhelmed and I start self-sabotaging thoughts. I almost laugh looking back at how easily my brain goes to "Screw it, just give up everything" when things don't go according to plan. I'm just glad through therapy my almost automatic next thought it "That's not a good option. This is a setback and we can take steps to overcome it. Don't give up all the good for a momentary issue." I went through that just last week when my psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be in person but my car wouldn't start. Initially I was like "I give up. I'll just stop taking medicine all together and give up therapy. It's too much hassle. Nothing ever works out right", but came around to "Email the clinic (you CAN'T get through on the phones. Ever), and see what can be done for your appointment. Go from there. Take your meds, do what you can to get them refilled, and ***** about it in therapy later." lol.

Anyway, point in all that is just that's some serious growth for me. I know myself a lot better-- I know how my diagnoses affect me well enough to give me insight into how to respond. In terms of mood, bipolar is lifetime illness and I'm grateful I know my triggers and warning signs.


Sorry for my rant, but just wanted to share where my mind is today. Share my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Excellent post @Brentus! It is so refreshing when a clinician views an individual, rather than a diagnosis. The PA I've been seeing since May just cannot let go of the bipolar diagnosis. He has never seen me as ME. With MY symptoms, not just "BD" symptoms. It's for that reason I've decided to stop seeing him and have an appointment with a new pdoc this month.

I think that taking time to check in with ourselves is such a wise idea. I started as a teen doing purposeful self check-in's; I would quietly sit and really "feel" where I was in my inner self. But when I had a husband and children I kind-of stopped doing that self-reflection...I'd half-way do it while I was busy with something else. But actually stopping all other activity and checking in with ourselves...something I'll be doing, too. So thank you for reminding me, because I've neglected something that is very important.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't think it can be said too much. You're doing such good work on yourself! It's inspiring, and I'm so happy for you

I have a meeting with my housing support specialist today. We meet every 3 months to create a few goals. She works downstairs in the office in the lobby of my apartment building. She’s really nice. I’m glad we have her now. She’s so much better than the last one.

After that I’m getting on the treadmill for 30 minutes and then doing my other exercises. Been in a routine with this everyday. I’ve managed to lose weight and am really proud of myself. Plus I’m eating balanced.

It’s pretty cold today. 21 degrees farenheit. Sun is out though. It’s gonna be negative 8 later in the week and that doesn’t include the windchill etc. I live in upstate NY. We’ve barely gotten snow this year compared to what we normally get. Mostly we’ve gotten ice that nobody takes care of so have to walk in the road with the cars so you don’t go sliding down the actual street/sidewalk and break your neck falling. Usually it’s black ice which is a nightmare to walk on.

I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and am not looking forward to waiting outside at the bus stop to take the bus home from the store. I will make sure I wear my zip up hoodie, winter coat, gloves, hat, etc

Anyway, I’m doing good, looking forward to my meeting , it’s in 15 minutes. Curious what goals I will decide on for the next three months. I’m not sure yet

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I fell asleep last night at 5:30. I woke up at 8 thinking it was 8PM on a Friday in the summer for some reason. I got back to sleep half an hour later, then I woke up at 11 and fell back asleep around 1 something and got up at 4:30.

I finally got my laundry put away. I had been doing it then just putting it in laundry baskets on the floor in my room. I've been doing this since before Christmas. But I finally got it all hung up in my closet and folded and put away in my dresser. It took almost an hour to get 4 huge baskets done. But its finished.

My anxiety was kind of high earlier but I'm feeling better now after eating some mini bacon wrapped smoked hot dogs and taking my Geodon 20 with a valium. My niece is over and is fussy as normal. She had a blow out earlier and popped one of the buttons off her onesie.

I'm hoping to get my blood test done late this afternoon. I already put it off yesterday. I want my endocrologist to have the results for my Friday appointment.

My copays for specialists are going down. I'm still trying to find work. I just looked last night and I thought I found a good one until it said relocation is a must. But I'm worried about losing my disability and SSI and this insurance is so important. But I'm looking almost every day and not finding anything. But I am bored and I want to work no matter what my mom or therapist thinks is best for me.

So the meeting went well

The goals that I have are:
-Volunteer at the library: I put in a volunteer application at the library, I just need to call and followup/ask how long it typically takes them to take volunteers
-Get the OBGYN visit done: I had my doctor put in a referral put in last week, so I will be calling to ask them about that since I haven't heard anything back from them either, it's just for an annual pap exam since I haven't had one in over 3 years
-Go back to college in August: Everything is still on track with that, just have to sign up for classes when it gets closer to the semseter starting
-Keep eating healthy, keep exercising, etc, she recommended/suggested I look into buying an air fryer since I'm kind of adraid of cooking things on the stove/oven. So I am going to be looking into getting one of those soon


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Wow, great goals blue bird 🐦. That’s an awesome list.

I went to work and made it through the whole day. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. I’m completely exhausted though. And my back and knee hurt after laying in bed like a sloth for a week.

I’ve decided to go back to my weight loss program. Stuffing my face with chips and sweets isn’t helping my situation. I’m just making myself feel worse. So I’m going to start slow and try to incorporate more fresh foods and stop bingeing. I’m not going to exercise this week simply because it’s too cold. But it will be warmer next week so I’ll try to get out a couple of times.

I don’t want to be too tough on myself. I’m trying very hard, it’s just difficult right now.

Hopefully the Wellbutrin will help in a few weeks.

I've had too much of a day to respond to anyone's posts, but know I read your posts, and I am thinking of and sending love to all of you Proud of you all.