Bipolar Check-In #76

Thank you for your input. I am also taking 20mg of valium a day (split up into two doses) so I will still have benzos in my system without the lorazepam. I also have only been on the lorazepam for about 2.5 weeks (at first only PRN) so I don't think I have that much of a tolerance yet.

Congratulations jane.
any time you reduce a benzo I am i awe. good luck in this journey toward better mental health.!!!!

(((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

@MuddyBoots:

Thanks for sharing that your use of Lorazepam has not been long-term. As you may have sensed, it makes me very nervous when members talk about discontinuing benzos!

@Nammu I'm right there with you with your thoughts about there being more darkness in the winter. I live somewhere where it is to hot to be outside in the summer so the cooler temps of winter are nice. But, these almost feel like a tease because, by the time I get home from work, there isn't much daylight left to go outside and enjoy it...

@HALLIEBETH87 I just talked to my counselor today about how hard it can be to make time to take care of yourself when in school. If I keep up what I've been doing, I'll run myself into the ground. Thankfully, starting Thursday, I am able to take a two week break between courses (the norm is for the class you are in to end on a Wednesday and the next class to start already that Thursday). I hope you are able to find a routine that works for you!

The weekend being over has helped me get out of my funk a little bit, but it's definitely still there. I'm especially having some anxiety about a paper I have to write. I'm curious what will happen to my mood once I have a little more down time for a couple of weeks. I'm starting to think my struggles to get stable are being caused my mood switches related to hormones. I'll have to keep track of how my mood shifts/if there is a pattern.

My counselor really pushed on me the need to accept my Bipolar diagnosis, and the realities this comes with. Even though it has been 2 years, I don't know that I want to. I know I need to though-I just don't know how to get there because accepting it feels like I'm giving over control to the symptoms.

On a happy note, my students seem to be enjoying the lab experiment they are currently in the middle of! It's fun to see their reactions to how things are changing as the experiment progresses. :-)

It’s 1 am. I just took Benadryl because I can’t sleep. Hopefully it kicks in in 20 to 30 minutes.

Still in love with my kitty

I’m still in love with my kitty, too!

I managed to wash my laundry yesterday and today I put it away! Now gotta do the few dishes that are in the sink. Nothing like the other day when the sink was overflowing. My case manager called to check on me. She wants me to watch my manic symptoms but she said it’s good that I’ve been cleaning.

Oh the homework work load is crazy in this program. We do 8 week classes instead of 16 so it’s a lot. Ugh

Did some administrative work for my boss today. Did some tests to make some extra money while I am sitting here at work too. Overall mood is shifting. Had a bad visit with my husband at the hospital yesterday - he thinks he's some sort of crime boss with the mafia. I don't know, his delusions seem to get worse every now and then. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much.

Drove to my daughter’s town and we had lunch. Yum. Grilled walleye and mojitos. Next week I’m going to go over earlier so we have more time. Time passes so quickly when we’re together. Don’t know if I mentioned it but she has bipolar too. Her job was stressing her out so much. There’s a limit on job with a two year degree so she’s thinking of going back for her BA. Fortunately her husband earns a lot so she could do that, then when she graduates the kids will be old enough to be home alone after school. And she could get a better job. Her cousin majored in social work too and went on to get her masters. And now makes really good money. My daughter is thinking the same. It would take her a year and a half to finish the 4 year degree. Graduate school would be a problem though as it’s so far away. A 2 hour drive one way. So she’ll wait to see what happens.

Her mother in law will be getting back surgery soon so she’s no longer able to pick the kids up from school. So it’s doubly good she quit work when she did. She is doing soooo much better.

Feeling very anxious this morning. Didn’t sleep well at all last night which only adds to it. My work email got hacked yesterday. Going in to the IT department to get it looked at. I feel so vulnerable because I don’t know what information if any they have.

I had a little anxiety this morning when i had to make phone calls. But otherwise i've been very bored today. It's not the end of the world. I would go to my mental health drop-in but it's a lot of activity to get there and back and it's so often disappointing or unpleasant and i can have an unpleasant time at home. I tried Scrabble, crosswords, Netflix, but i can't tolerate anything. I did have a nice time in the afternoon when i had a really nice rest. Can't believe it but it's dark now.

My friend brought over the 8x10 prints he made of 2 pix I took of N3 this month. I have frames but not sure where I’ll put them yet as my living room has over a dozen pix of the kids already!

Going to coffee with N1 tomorrow! Yay!

I’m waiting for friends to reply to me on fb messenger but they are taking forever! Guess it’s me. I’m sped up. I want instant replies!

Edit: I think my friend and I are boyfriend and girlfriend as of tonight! We discussed it at length today. Now we need to plan a time to get together! I’ve known him for 10 years at least and we met online and went on a few dates but then he met somebody else and they got married. Now they’re divorced.

I am very tired and have little energy. It is raining outside. I am afraid that this is my SAD kicking in early. (I had this deep tiredness yesterday as well and spent the day in front of TV).

I will think of ways to beat it. I cannot sit here and accept that so it is without trying to fight against it.

Have an appointment with my GP today for looking at my level of blood glucose.

Mom called me from the dentist’s office and asked me to call AAA for her as her car wouldn’t start. I did. Before they arrived, she discovered that she got into a car that wasn’t even the same color as hers and tried to start it. I’m not laughing or making fun of her. I am concerned for a few reasons. I’ve tried to take the keys away because I’m willing to take her anywhere but she remains resistant and my sister doesn’t support me in that so it’s a complicated situation.

I have an anxious attachment style and am in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It’s an interesting dynamic. I’m learning a lot how to effectively manage that combination for optimal effect.

I’m doing okay. Have not seen signs for SAD yet. Hopefully I won’t.

Going to get my COVID booster next Monday. I’ll feel a bit better then about going out in public.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I am grateful that I might have caught my SAD this year by starting a med a little early to help. After a good interview on Monday - I now have to wait to hear back on a job or not. I understand the anxiety and try to minimize it though it is a big deal. The recent hurricane put me on my *****.

I took a big step last week too. I ended a 4 year relationship with my counselor. She was great, but I am self pay and can't really justify it now since I am doing better. It's okay, I am trying to look at it as a good thing. So much therapy over the years... '~)

I am sorry to hear about your mother. And sorry to hear that your sister doesn't support you!

My level of blood glucose was OK. I have been very busy the last days, so it is not strange that I am feeling tired. I have had time to think now. In CBT terms to expect the SAD to come so early will make it come. I have decided that I am not going to expect it in a hopeless feeling way. Instead I am going to prepare for it's time by using my light lamp. I will remember to do my physical exercises as well.

I’m sorry your mum won’t give up her keys. My mum voluntarily gave it up when I moved in with her. At first she was nervous about asking me to go places but that got better. Then she started asking me to go pick up stuff instead of asking me to drive her. She got to love not having to drive. Then she would boast to friends and relatives that I drove her anywhere. She was quite happy with the situation.

Wish your sister supported you in this.

It's been exhausting. just the personal up and down of this stupid reunion planning and for it to end this way. Good news is it was taken away from me and is no longer something for me to work on. Bad news is, I feel slighted and cheated.

I've worked really hard these past two weeks to prepare us for a real Reunion-- the kind that takes many months planning and hard work. I've done so much in terms of setting things up and working us towards a goal. I'll spare you all the details but when I asked if people wanted a formal/semi-formal type of reunion I got a great response. I made a committee of people who said "If you want some help let me know!" -- I pitched my first preliminary ticket price after countless research and finding the best prices I could of around $50 to compensate our costs. It was a little steeper than I would have liked personally, and they were adamantly against it -- so I looked for ways to cut corners. Then our venue option fell apart. ... and then the claws came out.

I offered to put in some money towards the reunion to help drive ticket pricing down. I got a very negative and borderline rude reaction to that... but it makes sense why a little later. You see, a particular member has poked a bunch at the idea of "maybe something less like what you want and more like a taco truck in front of a bar". -- Nothing wrong with this idea, but its A) not what I envisioned and B) we can fight all day about what a class reunion is, but it's more than a definition of a gathering of people. There were certain aspects, which weren't costing anything, but just my time, that I really wanted to encompass. Dancing, music,. games and activities I planned, etc. I really wanted a sit down meal of sorts, but it was looking out of the budget.

I live in a small town and there is a bar on main street that is relatively big, but not a lounge or really adequate for parties. He said he wouldn't close the bar down and we'd just mingle with other patrons around 6 to 7, he'll put us on one side of the bar and bring our own snacks. ( Again, nothing wrong with this idea.. but definitely not idea for any of the more traditional things I wanted to do). But, venue would be free..

As a last ditch effort to try to salvage just a little of what I had planned... I offered we use a cheap, large venue so I could decorate (I've had banners and memorabilia plans and even outsourced people to help create things), play the games I had in mind, sit down to eat the Olive Garden they've agreed on price wise, dance, etc. and then maybe transition to the bar for drinks.

response? "I dont know.. I think more people will come this way." -- everyone agreed


It's clear that they never had intention of letting my idea of the reunion flourish. I'm a little hurt they took every aspect of what I wanted from me. They may be right, what they want may be successful and they'll get people to come... but I hardly see the need for a 5 person committe and 9 months to plan it out. Hell, they planned the entire thing in 2 hours and seem very proud of themselves. I wish them success, but my feelings are hurt.

Worst part is I cant do anything to address it because I dont want drama and these people would just spin it to me being irrational.

I just wish I didn't feel so beat up by everyone. No one was on my side from the beginning and I was fighting a losing battle.

Today was a normalish kind of day. I got up early and got really dressed up for work. I finally feel confident, something I haven't felt in a really long time. I feel productive, empowered and beautiful, words that I used to never use to describe myself.

The upcoming surgery is looming over me though, I have so many doubts and fears - I am just plain scared even though I need to do it.

Bipolar symptoms have been less and less in recent months, especially over the past year.

Feeling pretty good today. I've pretty much cut out coke zero and have been drinking green tea instead and taking caffeine pills and feel LOADS better! I didn't realize how much like **** coke zero was making me feel.

I've also started counting my calories again and exercising and am DETERMINED to lose the twenty pounds I gained post hernia repair surgery.

Oh, and I'm going to just take my 50mg of seroquel as needed so I don't get the seroquel munchies!

@Brentus Thinking on you!

Keep up the good spirit!