Bipolar Check-In #76

I think it's the caffeine and whatever other crap they put in it . I tried black tea, but it makes me nauseous, and coffee makes me anxious. I'm going to go to the store today and see what other beverage options there are for me. I love drinking water, so I'm hoping I can find some water with caffeine in it.

I've got to figure which vengeful god I pissed off because this is turning into a "When it rains, it pours!" kind of situation! Ha ha!

I made it home. The extra coolant I had in the tank did the trick and mitigated my trouble. I got home, changed into some sweatpants... and the power goes out, courtesy of a not very aggressive storm. So... it was an early bedtime for me, which was fair, as I had some sleep to make up for. Woke up feeling quite refreshed!

My mom may not be coming into town as she was feeling quite sick last night. I'm going to check in on her in the next few minutes, but my guess is no change.

I’ve been drinking turmeric latte in the afternoons. It has a lot of health benefits. Not sure if you get something similar in the states. I’ve also been drinking collagen hot chocolate. There will be substitutes out there. You just gotta find them 😊

They do make that- water with caffeine. Not sure on the brand name(s) though.

@raspberrytorte I feel the same way you do. I am 210 pounds, the biggest I've ever been my whole life. I remember reading diary entries where I used to cry about being 170, it's unbelievable that I would want to be at least close to that weight again.

I understand your fight with these caffeine drinks - have you tried a drink called Starry? They have that here in black cans, they are pretty good, and they are good for diabetics.

@bizi I am trying to avoid stabbing myself everyday with insulin. I am on glypizide and actose now because the metformin really upset my stomach. My sugar was 201 this morning, still really high but much better than the 376 it was just a week ago. I've been eating really healthy too, I cut everything bad for me out and drinking a lot of water. It sucks I have to eat this way my whole life, I feel so defeated.

The only good thing is my bipolar has been manageable. No episodes or hospitalizations in over a year which is such an achievement because I used to be hospitalized every year. It's my health which is the real concern now.

I wanted coffee this morning. A lot of it. So I ended up chugging a 40oz bottle of a Starbucks peppermint mocha. Which was a stupid thing to do. Then I fell back asleep and woke up and felt just weird. I took my blood pressure and it said my pulse was 124. Wtf. Then I tried again a few minutes later and it was 98. I haven't really been anxious from the coffee. I'm just feeling fuzzy headed in general and my stomach was feeling really off until I took a couple pepto bismol ligucapsuls. Now I still feel kinda off. Like maybe I overdosed on caffeine. But I'm not sure its anything to worry about anymore if I drank the coffee so long ago.

I'm clueless when it comes to nutrition but I don't eat much in general but what I was eating was pretty bad. I don't cook either so when my mom went to the grocery store she picked me up some steam in the bag fresh vegetables and a couple tomatoes and stuff. So I can at least add onto what I'm already eating. I'm working on doing more for my mom since my sister is dumping all 3 kids off next weekend and doesn't always seem to get things.

I walked away from my breakfast this morning and my cat Gary looked like he was about to get into it. I thought to myself "Not today, Garebear" and I went and put the stuff up. I love that cat but he acts more like a puppy sometimes.

Another quiet day. Since i can't tolerate anything except Scrabble, i've been experimenting with sitting quietly and looking out the window. It passes the time. I wander in my mind. I seem to be aging quickly. I behave like a ninety-year-old.

I'll probably get the results of my blood and stool tests this week. Dreading what they're going to say.

My dog is doing well. She's happy to have me home to keep her company.

It's getting dark so early.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Bubly The box has a polka dot print while no-caffeine ones are plain.

I take a 200mg caffeine pill at lunch time.It is the equivalent to a big star bucks coffee. I drink a couple of coffees in the morning but in the after noon it is all about just wanting the caffeine~!
bizi

Saw N3 and his gf today. We had Panera then went next door to Barnes and Noble and hung out. N3 brought his Compline choir sheet music and was listening to a recording of it while reading along. I got a photo!

@Miguel'smom I saw you are on here. How are you doing?

Had a pretty chilled Monday. Took my son to kindergarten then came home and slept a LOT. Last night I was up between 11:00pm - 2:00am just playing with my gorgeous kitty. She’s addictive. I just love the attention she gives me. She’s too precious. Always jumping on my lap. Always purring.

Dropped my Prozac dose this morning. Was feeling not good strange over the weekend.

Thanks!

Yeah. I was thinking about going the caffeine pill route.

Pretty chill day today, except I'm cold! Now starting to feel the effects of September. I have so many bags when I come into work, I feel like such a bag lady, it looks like I have to carry a sweater too! Good news is, I slept really well, and my mood is good. Been on the same two pills for the few years that seem to be working just fine.

Our cat is sick. He started peeing blood last night. We had to leave him at the vet so they can run some tests, etc. I hope he's okay. He was acting normal, running around, playing with his ball. He's my buddy. It's awfully lonely without him here.

Last night was horrible. I left the windows open because it was to get chilly but forgot to account for the humidity. Had to get up and shut the windows and put on the AC. Finally drifted off around 5 am,…then at 9 Sir woke me wanting breakfast. He’s always so nice about it.

I have a lot of things I need to get done, but most of them mean driving. I don’t like driving especially in Rochester. It’s high speed highway traffic and many roundabouts and special designed one ways. It’s horrible. I might just call my sister and ask if she can do the driving. She lives there and is familiar with the roads

I also need to take my car in for its fall maintenance and that’s an hour away.the weather is being very cooperative so I should do all that this week.

I hate that the darkness is coming earlier and earlier. Soon we will lose day light saving time. My state voted to do away with that but they are waiting on congress to approve it and they of course are too busy playing one up games to vote on something so mundane. So come November it will be dark at 4:30pm.

Still freaking out about my a1c. I
Gotta work
Hard on myself. It’s
Hard to Find any extra time
With school

I am so sorry you're going through this! I hated driving in New York too, and now here in North Carolina I am dealing with roundabouts and things like that and they freak me out too!

I am also not a fan of it getting darker earlier. This new thing with me having diabetes, my eye sight has gotten progressively worse in the dark, espeically with driving at night. And what's up with Congress? Did they ever vote on it? What's going to happen for Daylight Savings Time, are we still doing on it or what? I hate that we never have answers.

I just uploaded photos to my Flickr account, something I hadn’t done for two years! My Fwb is going to print out 8x10s one each of two of my favorite pix of N3 from this month. I have photos around my living room of my kids and these will add a few current pix to those.

I almost just got the cops called on me. I sent a message asking my pdoc if one of my GI meds is messing with my mental health. Increased depression. Slight paranoia. I said I wasn't S and asked if the med was the problem since this stuff started around that same time I began the med. But the first part of the message got cut off and the first word was S.

So my nurses pdoc called my mom and was like "Mountaindewed is S?" My mom had to explain the situation and the nurse calmed down and I resent the letter correctly.

Now I'm coughing real bad and just feeling blah physically. I know I didn't get out of bed all weekend or today except to go to the doctors. Honestly getting covid makes a lot more sense then my mental health getting wacky out of the blue.

I saw my primary doc today for my ER follow up. She put me on legit prescprition constipation meds. Said the other stuff is muscular. Same thing my PT was saying. I'm too tense in my stomach. Which doesn't help my constipation.

My pdoc got back to me. He pretty much just blew me off with a one sentence response of "its unlikely." I have not been feeling very supported lately by people besides my therapist and my mom. Idk if its me or them or what.

I just took a draminine because I want to stop the med I know is causing issues. I don't know if it was smart to take it with my valiums. But everyone seems to be blowing me off and I've done worse before anyways.

I did some administrative tasks today and got several waves of anxiety. I'm coaching myself that i am safe. It's so hard.

I quit the cariprazine cold turkey four days ago. It has a super long half life, and I was only on 3mg, so I'm not expecting any withdrawals or rebound psychosis (and I'm still on two other antipsychotics). My residential pdoc said this would be an okay thing to do for that reason. Next up: lorazepam. Should be easy since I'm only on 2mg 2x/day.

IOP is going okay, and I met somebody in residential who started the same program who seems really into recovery so I'm going to stay at his place for a few days to get away from this drug den of a neighborhood and be about 30 minutes closer to the IOP. The thing I don't like about IOP is I'm the only woman so every time the facilitator mentions "trauma" all I can think of is "I'm surrounded," but FaceEverythingAndRecover, I guess.

I'm working on my second poetry book, too. This one's going to be nature-themed.

@MuddyBoots:

I found it so hard to get off benzos that i settled for harm-reduction. I went from 1mg of Clonazepam (the equivalent of 20mg of Valium) to 5mg of Valium. I found i had trouble behaving if i went below 5mg of Valium. I had troubles with anger and fear. I was belligerent to a staff at Walmart and believe i narrowly escaped getting barred from the mall.

I used The Ashton Method to reduce my benzos. That's where you substitute in Valium because it can be cut in such small amounts. I reduced by 1mg of Valium per week. At first it was relatively painless, but as i say, the lower i got, the harder it was to function.

I've just accepted that i am a person who needs 5mg per day of Valium to function. I'm glad that i tried to get off benzos and relatively happy that i reduced my use by 75%.

One milligram of Lorazepam (Ativan) is equivalent to 10mg of Valium, as i understand it.

During a chaotic few years in my early 30s (now 57) after my divorce, i ran out of benzos when i moved around the country a lot and was without a doctor. I found it very hard to function and nearly impossible to sleep. Reality came in waves and my pupils dilated wildly. It was hard to get anything done and i was without a fixed address for six weeks. It was a hair-raising experience.