[Tipis]

Hi everyone,

i seek some support regarding my indecision about becoming a parent. I am 38 and want to figure out whether parenting is a good decision for me. I have Bipolar II and my husband has ADHD. We are both struggling with our conditions and I am wondering if it is a good idea to have a third in the mix with either or both of these problems. I have a considerable desire for parenting but also am afraid of what it means to take care of a child with special needs when I am also dealing with mental health issues. But the thought of not becoming a parent leaves me with a sense of great loss. I thought I will reach out to parents and others in a similar situation of indecision here, for advice. What is it like to parent a child with needs when you have a condition ? Is it still rewarding or overwhelming? How does it affect your relationship with partner and your career? While these things can be very specific to different situations, it would be great to know about individual journeys of coping.

[CANDC]

HI @Tipis welcome to MSF. I hear you about being drawn in two directions. That is a tough decision only you can make. What I would do is imagine yourself taking care of a child as they grow up and hopefully mature and be independent. Worse case scenario they may stay under your wing as long as you are alive.

The second thing to think about, how solid is your relationship with partner? If things are shaky now then adding a child could just upset the apple cart so to speak.

The other thing is the cost. Raising a child even without any problems can be very expensive. If you do not own your house, rents are soaring.

Have you considered other alternatives that may fulfill the needs you feel without the long commitment? There are programs like Big Brother Big Sister that you can help with a child part time and get the joy of doing fun things with them and not the long term headaches.

Another option is to do baby sitting. That is usually a short term commitment. It allows you to see what being around children is like without the long term commitment and they get to go home.

Hope you get the support you are looking for @CANDC

[Victoria'smom]

I want to write a lot. I'm on disability and my husband has bipolar as well. We purposely had a child feeling we knew what to look out for in the teen years. Well I was sicker than we knew. I had psychosis several times. Leaving my husband to care for both of us. And when he was sick I cared for both of them. Leaving us both unable to work. Our son was in daycare also he was having trouble and delayed speech. Because of his delays we choose to homeschool. Eventually he was dx autism and ADHD. We focused on getting well and providing the best education for him. His first attempt he was 10. He got dx with depression and anxiety. We got through highschool with an associate's. He then went to university and graduated. He went on to his master's but still struggle with daily life. Recently diagnosed with bipolar also but more likely SZA. We are all really close. Though he grew up poor. it's not the life I suspected and we'll be living together longer than a traditional family but I really wouldn't change it.

It's hard to see him swallow several medications several times a day but we truly have a great family. I urge you and your husband to get a therapist both independent and couples. Then when the child needs a neutral trusted adult you get him one too. Have them all work together as a family team.

[raspberrytorte]

Our daughter was a surprise baby, but I wouldn't change anything! I struggled when she was younger, but now that she's eleven (will be twelve in October) things have gotten a lot better. We're a very close family. Both my husband and I have anxiety disorders, and unfortunately she's inherited one herself, but we're able to help her. If she ends up developing my other dx we'll be able to help her through that.

Truthfully, she's an amazing girl! She's smart and funny and creative (an artist). I wasn't very happy in the beginning, but now I'm a very happy parent. I think it's a journey worth taking at least once. I have no regrets regarding becoming a parent. It's hard, but it's amazing!

It's up to you though. It's hard when they're younger.

[dmom3005]

I have a kind of different situation. So I don't know if you want my thoughts.

But I have three sons, and I wouldn't trade a done of them for not having kids.

I personally have anxiety and some other health issues. My husband has I'd say depression and anxiety, but he isn't treated. Bi-polar runs in both families.

My oldes has bi-polar, adhd, and learning disabilities. He lives with us. My middle one has adhd, learning disabilities and anxieties.
My youngest has epilepsy, anxiety, and mild disability and some health issues.

We deal with them all in different ways. I have three grandchildren that have different disabilities too. BUt I am so glad to have them. And wouldn't have it any other way. We learn to deal with what they need and figure out what to do.

Donna

[Soupe du jour]

There's no guarantee that any child you'd have would develop either mental health issue. Or if they did, the bipolar disorder, in particular, may not show itself until their teenage years, or even 20s, or so. You and your husband would clearly understand some signs, and if you both take good care to manage your illnesses (successes or fails), hopefully you'd be quick to do the same for a child. Though perhaps not, it's also possible that any child would have a milder course to their illness.

If you and your husband are struggling, greatly, in your lives, it is worth considering if you can add more responsibilities. Also, are you at a stage in stability where medications might be reduced, or modified? Pregnancy might require some change(s) for safety sake, for a pregnancy. A long talk about this with your psychiatrist and therapist would be helpful with this. Also, do you have anyone that could help out, if you and/or your husband can't manage?

Clearly you seem to want a child. Or think you may. At 38 years old, the clock is sadly ticking to make a decision on this. I, on the other hand, never had a burning desire to have a child. Neither did my husband. In the end, we never had children, and do not regret it or have any feeling of "loss" because of it. If you truly think you will, then the talks with your psychiatrists AND gynecologist are in order. I wouldn't rush to a pregnancy without these talks. Certainly they would be the first step to the major responsibility you'd have towards a future child.