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#1
Sep 28, 2023, 01:05 PM
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Something's going on, but I don't know what.
I've slept like. 4+ hours 3 times since the 11th and all the other days less than that. I don't give a flying **** about anything. As soon as I got into my home environment I relapsed on opiates Monday (first use since gettign out of rehab) and at some point (yesterday? Idk. definitely today. I'm drunk rn) I relapsed on alcohol. Been self harming. Been sleeping around (hypersexual at all times, sometimes loving it sometimes hating it). Saying "ilove you" n **** but you know I don't mean it. Or I'm afraid to mean it. something. I feel awesome in the mornings, and then I feel not so good and I crave, andI give into the cravings. I had sex witha guy over twice my age for some fentanyl. Have only been taking lamictal for schizoaffective bipolar. dyed my hair at like 2am because waht else are u to tdo? I need insight. and another drink I know addiction's at play. But I feel like it's more than that'
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"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," Last edited by MuddyBoots; Sep 28, 2023 at 03:36 PM. |
 Aurelius710, BeyondtheRainbow, FloatThruThis, Fuzzybear, HALLIEBETH87, JaneOnceMore, raspberrytorte
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#2
Sep 28, 2023, 03:40 PM
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My dad's right I'm a fking psychopath
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| JaneOnceMore
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#3
Sep 28, 2023, 03:44 PM
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I've tried to force the empathy thing but it's no use. At the core I truly don't give a fkk. Fkk you. Fkk me. Fkkk everything.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| JaneOnceMore
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#4
Sep 28, 2023, 03:45 PM
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maybe my dad's just getting to me
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"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| JaneOnceMore
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#5
Sep 28, 2023, 04:02 PM
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Be careful, muddyboots!
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
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#6
Sep 28, 2023, 04:24 PM
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why be careful?
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| JaneOnceMore
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#7
Sep 28, 2023, 05:17 PM
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Be careful, MuddyBoots, because i care about you and i don't want to see anything disastrous happen. Fentanyl is really dangerous. You're being really reckless. Is your worker making any progress getting you alternative housing? Be safe, my friend!
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#8
Sep 28, 2023, 05:37 PM
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I don't know about the alternative housing, I haven't talked to her since Monday, but she said she'd work on it and she made it sound like it'd be easy but I know housing in NH is kinda fked right now so idk.
I know I'm being reckless, but I just can't stop to think things through/don't care about the consequences. my pdoc warned me of xylazine too. and I'm sick of caring just because other people care. I've done that my whole life and other people are always "you have to do it for yourself too," well that doesn't work for me either.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," Last edited by MuddyBoots; Sep 28, 2023 at 06:04 PM. |
| Aurelius710, Fuzzybear, JaneOnceMore, raspberrytorte
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 JaneOnceMore
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#9
Sep 28, 2023, 06:44 PM
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Quote:
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
| JaneOnceMore
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#10
Sep 28, 2023, 06:56 PM
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I don't mind if something bad happens to me. Other than emotionally damaging other people by hurting myself, im not going to hurt other people (at least I don't think?)
In rehab/IOP they always said "addiction is a symptom of something greater" and I'm trying to figure out what that something greater is right now
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| JaneOnceMore
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| JaneOnceMore
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#11
Sep 29, 2023, 01:21 AM
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I know I've been having asome auditory/visual hallucinations but idk if that just from lack of sleep or if thats from the schizophrenia aspect.
I'm gonna ****in' walk/run to my t appoint today.. It's only like 20 miles. edit: sent nudes to a group of people i hardly know on fb overnight. lot of thought went into that one 
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," Last edited by MuddyBoots; Sep 29, 2023 at 03:27 AM. |
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#12
Sep 29, 2023, 04:07 AM
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how to stop being reckless/why to stop being reckless/why am I being reckless?
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
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#13
Sep 29, 2023, 06:04 AM
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I've had an entire bottle of vodka in less than the past 24 hours. Therapy's gonna be fun today. Definitely gonna take an ativan beforehand.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
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#14
Sep 29, 2023, 08:01 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I can't say I haven't been tempted to burn it all down too, but the question is what do you put in its place? Otherwise, I'm hurting myself to spite the "thems" in my life. I ask you the same question: If you burn it all to the proverbial ground, what goes up in its place?
__________________
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." -Litany Against Fear (Dune) |
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#15
Sep 29, 2023, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
Be safe.
__________________
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." -Litany Against Fear (Dune) |
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#16
Sep 29, 2023, 08:21 AM
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I've given up on walking there because the weathers shyt. I'm just hoping I'm sober enough to drive by then I should be it's not until 2pm
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
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#17
Sep 29, 2023, 12:43 PM
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Be safe, Muddyboots!
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat - He who sings prays twice Ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 6 mg  Gabapentin 600 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily |
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#18
Sep 29, 2023, 02:08 PM
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WHY?
I don't get it. I drove all the way there and then I get a voice mail saying she's at another location and it's going to be a phone apppointment. Nice.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
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#19
Sep 29, 2023, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat - He who sings prays twice Ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 6 mg Gabapentin 600 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily |
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#20
Sep 29, 2023, 03:51 PM
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Quote:
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
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#21
Sep 29, 2023, 03:52 PM
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Were you sober when you drove?
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
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#22
Sep 29, 2023, 06:33 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
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#23
Sep 30, 2023, 08:34 AM
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I was only pretending I was going to change because some strangers said some good things about me. Truth is, in the real world, real people hate me or use me.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
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#24
Sep 30, 2023, 08:41 AM
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And this fking girl. I thought I loved her. Like, reallly fking loved her. But then I realized she was just going to leave me like everybody else that gives anything that resembles a fck so now I can't help but hate her for that.
I'm going down the road.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| insciencewetrust
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#25
Sep 30, 2023, 09:17 AM
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I am not sure you'll find any answers that make you feel better at the moment.
Insight into addiction, illness, family genetics or relationships with family and in general - lots of things are intertwined - not going to figure that all out now so I wouldn't stress about the insights as you asked for in the OP. If I were in your shoes, I'd try to sleep. Step one. Then take it from there.
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- nothing personal |
| insciencewetrust, raspberrytorte
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