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  #1  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 01:05 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Something's going on, but I don't know what.

I've slept like. 4+ hours 3 times since the 11th and all the other days less than that. I don't give a flying **** about anything. As soon as I got into my home environment I relapsed on opiates Monday (first use since gettign out of rehab) and at some point (yesterday? Idk. definitely today. I'm drunk rn) I relapsed on alcohol. Been self harming. Been sleeping around (hypersexual at all times, sometimes loving it sometimes hating it). Saying "ilove you" n **** but you know I don't mean it. Or I'm afraid to mean it. something. I feel awesome in the mornings, and then I feel not so good and I crave, andI give into the cravings. I had sex witha guy over twice my age for some fentanyl. Have only been taking lamictal for schizoaffective bipolar. dyed my hair at like 2am because waht else are u to tdo?

I need insight. and another drink

I know addiction's at play. But I feel like it's more than that'
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"

Last edited by MuddyBoots; Sep 28, 2023 at 03:36 PM.
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  #2  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 03:40 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
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My dad's right I'm a fking psychopath
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
JaneOnceMore
  #3  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 03:44 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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I've tried to force the empathy thing but it's no use. At the core I truly don't give a fkk. Fkk you. Fkk me. Fkkk everything.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
JaneOnceMore
  #4  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 03:45 PM
MuddyBoots's Avatar
MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
maybe my dad's just getting to me
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
JaneOnceMore
  #5  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 04:02 PM
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raspberrytorte raspberrytorte is offline
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Be careful, muddyboots!
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous

The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token

"What if I can't get up and stand tall,
What if the diamond days are all gone, and
Who will I be when the Empire falls?
Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token
  #6  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 04:24 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
why be careful?
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
JaneOnceMore
  #7  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 05:17 PM
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JaneOnceMore JaneOnceMore is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2023
Location: Ontario; long-time member, just under other names
Posts: 791
Be careful, MuddyBoots, because i care about you and i don't want to see anything disastrous happen. Fentanyl is really dangerous. You're being really reckless. Is your worker making any progress getting you alternative housing? Be safe, my friend!
  #8  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 05:37 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Posts: 7,133
I don't know about the alternative housing, I haven't talked to her since Monday, but she said she'd work on it and she made it sound like it'd be easy but I know housing in NH is kinda fked right now so idk.

I know I'm being reckless, but I just can't stop to think things through/don't care about the consequences.

my pdoc warned me of xylazine too.

and I'm sick of caring just because other people care. I've done that my whole life and other people are always "you have to do it for yourself too," well that doesn't work for me either.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"

Last edited by MuddyBoots; Sep 28, 2023 at 06:04 PM.
Hugs from:
Aurelius710, Fuzzybear, JaneOnceMore, raspberrytorte
Thanks for this!
JaneOnceMore
  #9  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 06:44 PM
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raspberrytorte raspberrytorte is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
why be careful?
Because your behavior seems reckless and I don't want anything bad to happen to you!
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous

The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token

"What if I can't get up and stand tall,
What if the diamond days are all gone, and
Who will I be when the Empire falls?
Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token
Thanks for this!
JaneOnceMore
  #10  
Old Sep 28, 2023, 06:56 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
I don't mind if something bad happens to me. Other than emotionally damaging other people by hurting myself, im not going to hurt other people (at least I don't think?)

In rehab/IOP they always said "addiction is a symptom of something greater" and I'm trying to figure out what that something greater is right now
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
JaneOnceMore
Thanks for this!
JaneOnceMore
  #11  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 01:21 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
I know I've been having asome auditory/visual hallucinations but idk if that just from lack of sleep or if thats from the schizophrenia aspect.

I'm gonna ****in' walk/run to my t appoint today.. It's only like 20 miles.

edit: sent nudes to a group of people i hardly know on fb overnight. lot of thought went into that one
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"

Last edited by MuddyBoots; Sep 29, 2023 at 03:27 AM.
  #12  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 04:07 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
how to stop being reckless/why to stop being reckless/why am I being reckless?
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
  #13  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 06:04 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
I've had an entire bottle of vodka in less than the past 24 hours. Therapy's gonna be fun today. Definitely gonna take an ativan beforehand.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
  #14  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 08:01 AM
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Aurelius710 Aurelius710 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,634
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
In rehab/IOP they always said "addiction is a symptom of something greater" and I'm trying to figure out what that something greater is right now
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
My dad's right I'm a fking psychopath
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
maybe my dad's just getting to me
I think you might have answered your own question. Or at least part of it.

I can't say I haven't been tempted to burn it all down too, but the question is what do you put in its place? Otherwise, I'm hurting myself to spite the "thems" in my life.

I ask you the same question: If you burn it all to the proverbial ground, what goes up in its place?
__________________
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-Litany Against Fear (Dune)
  #15  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 08:05 AM
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Aurelius710 Aurelius710 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
I've had an entire bottle of vodka in less than the past 24 hours. Therapy's gonna be fun today. Definitely gonna take an ativan beforehand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
I know I've been having asome auditory/visual hallucinations but idk if that just from lack of sleep or if thats from the schizophrenia aspect.

I'm gonna ****in' walk/run to my t appoint today.. It's only like 20 miles.

edit: sent nudes to a group of people i hardly know on fb overnight. lot of thought went into that one
Any way you can reschedule your appointment? Vodka, benzos and marathon running/walking cannot be a good combination!

Be safe.
__________________
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-Litany Against Fear (Dune)
  #16  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 08:21 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
I've given up on walking there because the weathers shyt. I'm just hoping I'm sober enough to drive by then I should be it's not until 2pm
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
  #17  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 12:43 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is online now
Silver Swan
 
Member Since: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 18,576
Be safe, Muddyboots!
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg
Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg
Vraylar 4.5 mg
Gabapentin 300 mg
Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily
Mania Sept/Oct 2024
Mania (July/August 2024)
Mania (December 2023)
Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023)
Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021)
Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021)
  #18  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 02:08 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
WHY?
I don't get it.

I drove all the way there and then I get a voice mail saying she's at another location and it's going to be a phone apppointment. Nice.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
  #19  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 02:49 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is online now
Silver Swan
 
Member Since: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 18,576
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
WHY?
I don't get it.

I drove all the way there and then I get a voice mail saying she's at another location and it's going to be a phone apppointment. Nice.
I hate when they change things up at the last minute!
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg
Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg
Vraylar 4.5 mg
Gabapentin 300 mg
Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily
Mania Sept/Oct 2024
Mania (July/August 2024)
Mania (December 2023)
Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023)
Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021)
Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021)
  #20  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 03:51 PM
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raspberrytorte raspberrytorte is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 6,662
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
WHY?
I don't get it.

I drove all the way there and then I get a voice mail saying she's at another location and it's going to be a phone apppointment. Nice.
That sucks
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous

The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token

"What if I can't get up and stand tall,
What if the diamond days are all gone, and
Who will I be when the Empire falls?
Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token
  #21  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 03:52 PM
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raspberrytorte raspberrytorte is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2015
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Posts: 6,662
Were you sober when you drove?
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous

The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token

"What if I can't get up and stand tall,
What if the diamond days are all gone, and
Who will I be when the Empire falls?
Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token
  #22  
Old Sep 29, 2023, 06:33 PM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
Quote:
Originally Posted by raspberrytorte View Post
Were you sober when you drove?
sober enough
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
  #23  
Old Sep 30, 2023, 08:34 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,133
I was only pretending I was going to change because some strangers said some good things about me. Truth is, in the real world, real people hate me or use me.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
  #24  
Old Sep 30, 2023, 08:41 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
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And this fking girl. I thought I loved her. Like, reallly fking loved her. But then I realized she was just going to leave me like everybody else that gives anything that resembles a fck so now I can't help but hate her for that.

I'm going down the road.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
insciencewetrust
  #25  
Old Sep 30, 2023, 09:17 AM
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insideoutsider insideoutsider is offline
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Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 813
I am not sure you'll find any answers that make you feel better at the moment.

Insight into addiction, illness, family genetics or relationships with family and in general - lots of things are intertwined - not going to figure that all out now so I wouldn't stress about the insights as you asked for in the OP.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to sleep. Step one. Then take it from there.
__________________
- nothing personal
Thanks for this!
insciencewetrust, raspberrytorte
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