[MuddyBoots]

I've been told not to go IP *every* time

Possible trigger:

I'm suicidal because that's just all the time right???

so right now I'm fairly drunk )only like 6 drinks) and considering taking a few benzos, but I have absolutely got to get laundry done first
I've been drunk or on opiates for like the past 8 days. Couldn't die even if I wanted to because immortality am I right or am I right?
Hallucinating, but what else is new?

starting olanzaapine tonigth

[CANDC]

@MuddyBoots I am sorry you are having suicidal thoughts and are self medicating. That is a dangerous combination, so would you consider an addiction treatment program that addresses the issue of being depressed and dependent on substances?

Another way to approach this is to have a therapist or social worker that you can reach out to when you are having suicidal thoughts and let them decide what you need.

If you find yourself in crisis here is a link with crisis support at the bottom of the thread.
@CANDC

[mote.of.soul]

Well, even if correct about the immortality thing, wouldn't it be better to utilise the life you have now to seek for happiness in this and/or the subsequent lives? From what I'm reading in your posts MuddyBoots, you do really need help and support to really overcome the problems you have leading to being constantly suicidal. Going IP is help. I wish you well and support and I do think you can find a better way to live. I do. All the best with the laundry too. 🙏

[Moose72]

Muddyboots, please go to the psych ER. Just because one person was rude and dismissive doesn’t mean the people on duty today are. You are playing with fire- alcohol and benzos is a deadly combination.

[MuddyBoots]

The "one person" was the IP doc at the voluntary hospital. She said something like "if we admitted you every time you met criteria, you'd be here just about 100% of the time."

I'm just gonna wait until therapy on Friday or if my case manager calls then I'll tell them and see what they wanna do.

[Nammu]

Right now you do need to be ip as you are a danger to others by driving. You are never sober and mixing benzos and alcohol is very dangerous

[MuddyBoots]

I don't consider driving 6 hours after my last drink, at 4am, less than ten miles through rural NH "a danger to others"
and I'm sober now

[Nammu]

At your weight you drank a bottle of vodka and took a benzo, no way were you not unimpaired. The fact you’re defending it speaks to the state of your mind.

[MuddyBoots]

Oh, you're talking about when I went to therapy. I guess that was kinda fcked.
But it's not like I took the ativan with the alcohol, that was after so I wouldn't be all shaky.

[Nammu]

You’re still driving impaired. That’s putting others in danger. And from what I’ve heard it takes 25 hours to get rid of alcohol completely. This is dangerous behavior and even if you don’t want to see it, people here do care.

[MuddyBoots]

It depends on how much you drink. Generally, it's an hour per drink.

[divine1966]

When to go IP? Right now. I am sorry you had a rude doctor. It doesn’t mean it’s safe for you not to go IP. I also think you need to do full physical check up including liver and other organs. Such amounts of hard liquor mixed with pills are so dangerous for your body (not just your mind)

And no I don’t think you should drive there. You either have to have someone to get you there or call 911.

A drink every hour doesn’t apply to your situation. It applies to a situation of you going to a party fully sober and having a glass of wine. And hour later having another one and then an hour later you might be ok going home. If you were drunk and/or intoxicated on drugs for 8 days straight this rule doesn’t apply to you.

You are very impaired even if you feel like you are ok. And you said you are hallucinating. No way no how it’s safe for you (and innocent people on the road) to drive. So please don’t

I hope you get help. And maybe addiction treatment/rehab is the way to go

[MuddyBoots]

I don't think I need more inpatient care anymore. I slept 4 hours last night and I feel 1000% better (if we ignore the headache, nausea, belly ache, chills, and shaking), and as of right now it's been 17 hours since my last drink. I should be all set to go to therapy later today. I don't really want to kms anymore than usual.
---

Love how I asked for advice and totally didn't take it. I mean, if my therapist suggests it I'll accept, but I ain't asking.

[MuddyBoots]

T didn't think I needed IP. Just some emotion regulation skills (she's gonna print some stuff out from her handy dandy DBT workbook for next week).

26 hours abstinent.

[MuddyBoots]

Ugh, high key want to die again (don't worry, there's only like a 10% chance I'll kill myself and it'll probably pass in an hour or so). Broke up with gf because I know she's up to SOMETHING, she's too nice. Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse not to get close to someone again. Probably that.

[MuddyBoots]

I know I should be in the hospital or in rehab or somewhere, but my treatment team doesn't see it. I don't know if I'm underplaying it (I highly doubt this, yesterday I went from screaming on the phone with my case manager to crying when I called her back 20 min later when she didn't answer), or if due to certain dxs I now have they think I'm hopeless, IP would be a waste, I'm doing it for attention, whatever I don't even know.

I feel so out of control and I want to put the brakes on before I ffck things up even more. I talk to my pdoc today.

[Nammu]

I agree I think you need to be in a long term setting where you can learn emotional regulation skills then a sober living place away from your triggers where you have a better chance. To keep having to go back to the same familiar places where there’s so many triggers seems counterintuitive and why they don’t help you find alternative housing I don’t understand. You were just in a detox/ hospital and they had you go back to your mum’s! That makes no sense. They should have been working with you at the rehab to find alternative housing. I’m sorry.

[Victoria'smom]

Muddyboots is moving out of the area an option? Iran way out of the area. I went from WV to FL to MA. I was a mess in WV. Dr and therapist didn't know what to do. I moved to FL they put me on APs heavily medicated and still hospitalized several times. Now in MA have 2 meds and don't even have a regular pdocs or therapist. I'm bed locked but mentally stable. I know I have to work on the bed locked but it's nothing like in WV. I'm not having gruesome intrusive thoughts,or any other unwanted harmful thoughts. But my WV team and FL team gave up on me. Even had PPD nos diagnosed. Moving away may help. Just make sure everything is set up before you go.

[MuddyBoots]

I am moving out of the area. My pdoc appointment didn't go well and she basically said "we know you're borderline now so no one can take your suicidal impulses and reckless behavior seriously." So I cussed her out and left and shot meth.

My case manager found out where I was and sent me to this crisis center where I could hear them reading my notes and making all these shytty comments."Just because she's borderline doesn't mean she's not human" (the nicer comment) "Wow, this client is a mess," "I bet she likes being choked," "never going to be in recovery." At night they were intentionally trigger me (I told them my triggers were slamming doors, loud noises, heavy food steps, yelling, and every night I was there the staff would take the locked doors and keep opening and shutting them every minute or so for the four hours after I took my night meds and was trying to sleep, and they would pick fights with each other about stupid shyt like whether it should be "I'm bipolar" or "I have bipolar" like it makes a difference, and I heard this guy say "This oughtta make 'er take a PRN" and start stomping on the floor and slamming binders on the counter). I asked to take my PRN, then when I took it they would throw it on the floor and make me eat it off the ground and say "better now, junkie?" and because of high demand they kicked me out and sent me to a homeless shelter.

But I'm back at mom's to pack some stuff in case my case manager finds a sober living residential for me soon. She called places in southern NH, MA, and RI. Just waiting to hear back.

I'm trying to figure a way out of some benzo legal issue I got myself into too. My pdoc reported me as a potential drug dealer because I told her I weened myself off of diazepam but the pharmacy told her I still picked up my valium (it's in a fking bubble pack I'm not going to wait another day for them to destroy the pack and make a new one).

My mom found my sui note where I admitted to being an alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic and she doesn't want me in the house anymore so it's crashing on couches, sleeping in the car, crisis centers, and homeless shelters for me. Might fake a sza episode to get into a cushy IP place and not tell the ER about BPD/SUD (I'll go out of the region) if CW says it's going to be months before I get into sober living.