Muddyboots's Miscellaneouses

Can you ask your psych tomorrow?

I am not asking my pdoc to go to PHP. I don't want to do it anymore. It's not going to help, and even if it did, I wouldn't ****ing want it. Honestly I don't even know if I'm going to pick up the phone when she calls because she really fked me up last appointment.

I told her about something really upsetting. And she asked why it was upsetting.

Nah. I'm not mixed. I'm just plain ole depressed. I'm "motivated to punish myself in everyway known to man including excessive exercise and impulsive SH" depressed, but depressed nonetheless. I think I'm my baseline impulsivity.


What would happen if I didn't answer my pdoc's phone call today when yesterday I told my CW (who will relay this to her) that I've been SHing daily and not all of it is superficial and I haven't been eating every day and I haven't been sleeping every night and last time I talked to pdoc I was severely depressed and checked off "Every day or nearly every day" for "Thoughts of hurting myself or that I'd be better off dead" on those survey things and I don't really remember most of the appointment other than she didn't understand why r**e would be upsetting to a person.
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I spent over 2 hours in total trying to reach someone on a crisis line over the past couple days (either my ACT team on call line or the NH "Rapid Response" line) only to get "well, we can send someone out to evaluate you further within 48 hours." No, fk that. I'm not letting some random person into my home to "evaluate me" sometime in 2 days when I talk to my pdoc in 7 hours.
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This is really fking scary. I lost like just a few minutes and I was fking texting my dad. My probably psychopathic (as in doesn't give a shyt about the law or the right thing to do or anything like that, impulsive as ****, only emotion ever expressed is anger, has no regard for his or anybody else's safety, arrogant bastard **** I'm kinda explaining myself a bit here) ,dad. I sent "I got the poison if you got the flower". well, that's a good sign

I "woke up" without my phone in a different town on a dirt road wondering where tf I was and this hunter came up to me and I was shitting bricks but he told me how to get back to the river I live by so it was ok.

and then I went to the liquor store and yes I have been drinking and you can blame my pdoc for that for calliing me in two hours
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oh my case manager called me too after rapid response called them. I don't remember this (I really don't remember talking to them at all honestly but I did reread a post and I kinda reember them saying something about an evaluation) but apparently i told them I took like two weeks worth of ativan in two days and my case manager was all on my case about that I know that's not a joking matter but what the fuk everthing its a joking matter because who the F**K cares. I don't right now and nothing's been better but I know they'll just saying I'm punishing myself more because ill feel like shyt in a bit.

……….

I know Im stupid. It's just I can't make a Cm7 but I can make love to the bottom of a bottle and I had to pick up meds anyways so its their fault for making me go out

Muddyboots I'm so sorry.

MuddBoots, I'm sorry that happened to you. That must have been very scary. I'm happy you found your way home.

Alcohol sucks. It just makes you feel like shyt. I used to be a heavy drinker. I abused alcohol in my late twenties. It got so bad I would take shots of vodka right away when I woke up in the morning. I would go to work drunk. I got an OWI. It was very bad, and I always felt like shyt. My life was a mess. Quitting drinking was one of the best choices I've ever made.

Anyway, my point is, you don't want to go to the liquor store. Nah. You don't need that stuff. It sucks.

too late I alreadyc an barely stand.

I just talked to my pdoc and she's putting me on med management. Taking away all my meds and just giving me once a day. Starting effexor if I recall correctly. She wants me to say "yes" to the in person evaluation next time I call the crisis line.

i'm so sorry muddy, please know you don't ever deserve to get hurt

*comes over and sits with muddyboots to look after her*

awww thanks @felineangel you're such a sweetheart but I got it under control

you deserve kindness, muddy

CW just came and took all my meds away except for the morning dose and watched me take tonights meds. I did not like the feeling. Just another thing I'm not in control of I guess...
and she didn't even leave me any of my sleepy meds (ativan/belsomra) because of the drinking so it's not like I get a chance to sleep tonight, especially considering I mixed my alcohol with caffeine (****).

Ever say "I'll have just one drink" and then look at the bottle and it's almost empty? Yeah....I don't have a problem at all....

I remember that happening to me. I didn’t drink but they decided I wasn’t safe with even a weeks worth of meds. Made me feel very small,…and angry

I regularly have my meds in someone else's control. It sucks, I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.
I feel paralyzed.
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I don't even remember what my pdoc said in terms of meds other than the med management thing. I think I agreed to taking Naltrexone and Effexor?

Welp that was another all-nighter. Probably should not have made a playlist to fuel "restriction willpower" but what tf else was I gonna do? The crisis line lady said to listen to music... and write, which I did. About how much I hate the ******* moon. That mocking moon.
I'm even splitting on the fking night sky.

I am really NOT happy with the situation. I know i don't remember much but I swear to god my pdoc said she was putting me on effexor and naltrexone. Well, apparently she just switched out my Ativan for Klonopin, which is good because klonopin makes me sleepy. Only it's scheduled so it's with all my other night meds that they watch me take at 5. Which get delivered at 5. So around 6:30-7ish I was like "screw this" and took the Belsomra (which they trust to take at bedtime) and went to bed. Well now it's 8pm and I am wide awake. S hasn't even gone to bed yet!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

And a couple weeks ago I swear she said she was upping my Abilify but that never happened. Now, I know I'm a little off considering I saw like 200 geese and then passed out in the road and probably hit my head about 10 times over the past few weeks, but I think she's lying to me. I think she's trying to make me think I'm crazy.

And all ****ing day I've been worried about the guitarist that I fked repeatedly from this band that I saw in Concord. Things got complicated (don't they always!?) and all day I've been staring out the window waiting for his band to show up to I looked up this band, and yeah, the electrician they had over had the same sticker on his car as the guitarist!! so I noped da fk outta here, and he even looked similar. Same mustache. Same body wash.

I remember when I used to have my meds monitored. I hated it too. I'm sorry.

My pdoc said to call her if I have another all nighter or sleep less than two hours after my second day of med changes. I had an all-nighter the first night and slept like 5-20 minutes 3 or 4 times last night. Yeah, Belsomra's a ****ing great med even at triple the dose...
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So I'm looking at my sleep log and I've slept about 2 hours (in no more than 30 minute segments) over the past three nights.
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I don't even know if I'm going to call. What's the point.

How are you doing, muddy?

I think you'd feel ONE MILLION times better if you started getting some decent sleep, so I think you should call your pdoc. There has to be other sleepy meds you can try. What has worked for you in the past?

They brought over a 40mg geodon capsule with the Belsomra for me to try last night and omg I slept 5 hours. It was broken, but still, it felt so good to not be awake all freaking night.

Zyprexa usually helps me sleep, but when I'm on it I spend most of my time binging+purging and they're afraid if I relapse with Lybalvi I'm going to overdose because the samidorphan blocks the effects of opiates. They're totally fine with me mixing alcohol and opiates with Klonopin though...?

I'm super triggered today because my therapist is a selfish bytch who hates me and doesn't give a fk about her patients and avoids them when they're struggling and she doesn''t know what to do.

Happy to hear you got five hours of sleep, even if it was broken sleep. I imagine that has to feel great!

Zyprexa sucks. I was on Zyprexa for a little bit in my twenties. Let's just say, never again. It is strange they're okay with you mixing alcohol and klonopin though. I mean, that's sorta dangerous? Can't you DIE from that combo?

Alcohol sucks. You don't need alcohol in your life. Kiss alcohol goodbye. Throw it over your fence. Put it in the dumpster. Stay away from the liquor store. HAVE S HOLD YOUR CAR KEYS. You DO NOT want to drive intoxicated!

Sorry your therapist is such a *****. Can you get a new therapist? No point seeing someone who's not going to help.

You can always talk about your troubles on here. We're here for you!

🫂

Too funny! I thought you typed “time signatures” at first!