Muddyboots's Miscellaneouses

I feel the weight and it's freaking me out aI just want it gone I want it gone so badly

If anyone cares about me here, you don't. You really don't. I am an evil monster and if you really knew you you'd know I would destroy you like I destroy everybody.

I just wanna run far away from here. Far away from myself.

I should probaly get stitches

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now muddy. I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm also dealing with my own demons at the moment. It's different of course, but demons non-the-less. I've never dealt with an ED.

I think PHP is a good idea for you.

If I took that much Ativan I'd be hallucinating like crazy! Ativan makes me hallucinate for some reason.

I just took 150mg of hydroxyzine and 20mg of diazepam and am feeling pretty good. Yay.

I sleep like **** too. Though melatonin has helped to an extent. Have you tried melatonin? I still only sleep three to four hours but wake up feeling rested.

Anyway, 🫂 .

I just took some valium and it feels like it has fenttanyl in it. I told ssoimproably homeless again

Where'd you get the valium?

some dude

Don't get diazepam from sketchy dudes!

i aint fraid no elephant tranqs

Why do you need it anyway if you have Ativan?

I mean.... yes, Ativan sucks, but they're both benzos.

No offense to Ativan. Lol. But I had the worst trip of my life on Ativan!

I took *all the ativan I had

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I can't take this anymore. I need sleep. A good sleep. A "fall a sleep at 10 and wake up at 5 no nightterror" sleep. I need to eat like a normal person. None of this go three days just having instant breakfasts. No saying "no one's home, no one'll catch me. Imma microwave the gallon of icecream and put as much cereal and devil dogs as I can in it and binge on that shyt because it can come right back up." No talking to S after dinner because that'll just piss me off.
Nah, after dinner I'm just gonna study music theory, write, do yoga, and maybe if my fingher s comply play some ksys. I'll have a cup of chamomile tea. One cup so I don't have to pee. If I catch myself thinking about foodo or my family or S or drugs or anything unpleasant I'm going to look at a picture of Bean. Will I cry? Yeah. But I'd rather cry about a good memory that's lost than a bad memory/habit htat huants me to this day

Don't binge on melted ice cream mixed with all that shyt. That's flucking nasty.

Are you going to try PHP? I think you should.

I understand what you mean about needing a good night of sleep. I need a good night of sleep too. I wish I could sleep 11PM to 6AM. But I can't for whatever reason. It flucking sucks.

I think your nightly plan sounds good.

Sorry you're out of Ativan. When can you pick up your next prescription of it?

I still don't think you should be getting valium from sketchy dudes, elephant tranquilizer or not. It just doesn't seem like a very good or safe idea.

Oh! I was going to ask.

What kind of music do you play? What's your favorite band?

I'm gonna tell my case manager tomorrow I want to sign up for the eating disorder center. I just kinda assumed they'd put me in PHP because I don't think I'm bad enough for IP or resi and IOP seems like a step down thing.
I tlk to my pdoc tomorrrow so if I tell her I'm all out of ativan i have a feeling she's not going to prescribe anymre of it
no one ever said i was good at good/safe ideas
when I play keys solo I usually transpose 90's alt rock songs to sound more jazzy or bluesy depending on the song. My band was supposed to be punk. My favorite band right now is probably the bluestones They're pretty new, but they be a rockin

That's cool. You play guitar?

Yeah. DON'T tell your pdoc you're out of Ativan! I used to abuse the shyt out of Xanax when I was on it, like twenty years ago, and one time I accidentally dumped the entire full bottle of it in the sink and none could be salvaged and I was addicted and flucked for the month and I called, was red flagged, and my Xanax dose was cut in half. So I started buying klonopin from a friend of mine to make up for it. NOT an ideal scenario! I was horribly addicted.

Anyway, my point is DON'T tell your pdoc you're out. You'll no longer be getting an Ativan RX. I guarantee it.

I don't want an ativan Rx. It's like giving an alcoholic a season pass to the bar

I play keyboard, guitar, and a bit of the harmonica

I hope the eating disorder centre helps you, muddy

Oh okay. Well, if you're just going to abuse it I guess don't get anymore of it.

My husband is also a musician. He plays guitar and bass. Mostly death metal. He isn't currently in a band though.

When I see my case manager today, as long as I don't back out last minute, I'm telling her I want to go to the eating disorder center. I think 70% of my problems could be solved by eating and sleeping and the other 30 with a stable environment.

Ugh I just want 4 o clock to come here so I can say bring on the PHP and stop trying to convince myself out of it.
"You don't want to lose me." "You don't want to gain weight." "You want to eat however the fk we want you to eat." "You're not sick enough to get a higher level of treatment." "You seriously think you can recover? Think again. Without me you'd probably be back on the streets doing meth and fentanyl every day." "What control will you have without me?" "If you do this treatment, everyone's going to think nothing of you other than your eating disorder, and they're going to watch what you eat and you after you eat like a hawk." "What about those compliments you got a few weeks ago about losing weight? Didn't that feel good?" "What if this is all a plot to get you to eat more foods, so it'll be easier to poison you?" "Even if you could recover, you wouldn't deserve it. You SHOULD live with falling every day, constant dizziness, severe anxiety every time you see a number or go in the kitchen or have to go grocery shopping, shyt teeth, a fked digestive system, and everything else that goes with being my slave." -With love, That little guy controlling every thought in your head

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I don't think I'm going to do it. I looked at the schedule, and you eat 3 times in those 6 hours. "Breakfast" is at 8:45. I wake up at 11pm. No fking way am I doing that. Nope. Nope. Nope.

you can do this. It's scary and unfair but you can. That part of your brain is just scared. You don't have to accept shittiness. I know eating is scary and the stress is real. Hell I don't even go into stores for food it's to stressful I do delivery. It does get better not perfect but better. My ED fuels my psychosis and my psychosis fuels my ED. So if they're not both under control I'm a mess. Just keep telling yourself you deserve to be happy, healthy and safe. Until your appointment. Because you do no but x, no yeah if you knew me you wouldn't say that. It's almost 2 hang on. You can do this.

I ****ING HATE MYSELF!
She (CW) didn't bring the eating disorder center up, and I didn't have the ****ing balls to ask her. Ugh! I AM SO PISSED AT MYSELF. She just kept going on and on about how when I get into sober living I'll probably be so much better, and it kept making me think I don't need any treatment.
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wtf? I don't remember her coming over...