Bipolar Check-In #78

I wouldn't want to wait that long either! I hope you can get it out on the 26th.

I'm facing another Christmas alone. As much as i feel lucky to avoid all the family squabbles people complain about this time of year, it's still hard. I got quite angry today when building management sent out an email about a plumbing upgrade that we will all have to undertake. It's going to be very intrusive and complex and may tie up our bathrooms for days. I'm really angry that they sent the notice now, on the last business day before Christmas. What bad timing! Couldn't they have waited til the new year? It seems really insensitive.

@JaneOnceMore I am also facing a Christmas alone. It's a weird place to both be grateful for avoiding the not so great parts of the holidays and feel the pains of being alone. I hope you are able to find ways to enjoy the day!

Long story short, just to be safe, last night I took steps to make sure I could not act on the SI thoughts going through my mind. I knew they would pass but also knew better safe than sorry. It's weird to type this because they've never gotten that bad before. After I made sure I was safe, I felt so much better because the temptation had no control over me. I slept better than I have in days too! I'm grateful for a little relief from these thoughts. Hopefully, they stay tame for a bit-even a week or two would be nice. Then, it will be easier (in theory) to get ahold of my counselor and pdoc since it will be after New Year's.

I'm grateful for a space to be able to share this with others. Sharing here helps in general and is a good first step in working up the courage to tell my pdoc and counselor when I see them next.

Well, they said I could have my car by 3 today. I called at 4 and they said I could have it at 4:45 but would have to bring it back to have another piece fixed when it gets in. Which seemed unrealistic. So I won't have my car for a while longer. Which is fine. As long as the insurance pays for my rental I'm fine. Even without the rental we were fine sharing my mom's car but we need 2 cars to get to Christmas Monday. My sister lives 2 hours away and we have a lot of presents to take. We also have to take our dog because he had ACL surgery about a month ago and needs supervision. So that means my mom's car won't hold much and mine will be packed with presents. I will get another experience in driving in the dark. I'm still working on that because I'm scared of hitting another deer. And with the car I have now I think that wouldn't be so hard.

Oh well. The car will be fixed eventually. And I won't hit another deer. And we'll have a Christmas worth it at my sister's with my nieces. I got my 13 year old niece her first piece of "real" (yet very cheap) jewelry, a ring with a butterfly shaped design with a stone in her favorite color stone on top. It's pretty and I think she'll love it. Or she won't and I'll have to exchange it somehow.

My son passed a comment that I overcooked the lamb. Bugger!

Well we're home for Christmas. I invited 2 of Victoria's friends to hangout with us on discord. I have no idea what we're doing for Christmas. We have no presents this year. FL took all of our money. Hopefully we'll be back on track this January. I'm kinda mad we have no gifts. That all that time in FL and nothing happened. I know we did what needed to be done but it's unfair. I know life's unfair but it just sucks. I'm thinking we'll reschedule Christmas to March. Give $150 to each person to buy the other two gifts. I don't know just a thought. Everyone has a rough year this year. I wanted to play a new game on Christmas but that's late. Things will get better. I'm just cranky.

I am SO relieved. Had a cool dream last night and just got my flash fiction written. Whew! I was really freaking I wasn't going to be able to pull one off this week. Still have presents to wrap, but I can do that later today.

I'm just happy I got my flash fiction written. Yay!!!

Turns out Perphenazine has the same “urinary retention” side effect as Fluphenazine! Why didn’t that psychiatrist at the hospital know this? So I’ve decided to not take it. I feel short-tempered. It’s an antipsychotic not a mood stabilizer and I don’t feel psychotic- no hallucinations or delusions.

I’ve still got the catheter in. I hope my primary doc will take it out on Tuesday when I see her. I just can’t have it any longer! It’s only been a day and a half already and I’m already sick of it. Meanwhile, nobody could get ahold of my psych nurse practitioner on Thursday and I didn’t hear from her yesterday.

I think I’m just going to have to be unmedicated for a while. It’s always a problem finding a med I can tolerate.

Today, we are doing Xmas at my mom’s. She and I got in a short fight already. I really have no filter and I’m swearing a lot and very short tempered.

Oh my god. I just realized that fluphenazine is the generic name for Prolixin. I ****ING HATE PROLIXIN!!! I'm so sorry you were put on that. I've never been on perphanazine. I'm sorry you're having such an awful side effect. Get rid of both immediately!!! Especially prolixin. Oh my god!

I'm doing ok today. Just a bit low in energy but not too bad. I was having trouble with a Walmart gift card my insurance company sent me. It wouldn't take it online. Instead of stress about it all Christmas I went to Walmart and got what I could and a few groceries. The card worked in the store. Still isn't working online but at least it isnt fradualant.

My mom is wrapping presents and my b.i.l called about a question about some gift cards I had asked for. My mom told me she feels bad I'm only getting one thing. I told her its fine.

Tommorow we're going to Outback for dinner. Then we're celebrating Christmas with my sister and her family Chrisrmas night.

I enjoy tracking Santa all day tommorow on the NORAD site and watching A Christmas Story all day on Christmas.

Idk. Its pretty much just a regular Christmas

What happened with you with the Prolixin?

I haven't looked into Walmart gift cards specifically, but I also recently tried to use some gift cards online and none of the stores allowed this-they only accepted them in store...maybe, Walmart is the same?

Bipolar disorder symptoms are a wild ride. Two days ago, I was making sure I was safe. Yesterday, I was down in the dumps but more stable than I felt in the last couple of weeks. Today, I'm back to how this recent mood instability started: euphoria, brain on fire, restless, getting a ton done, leaving the house 3 times in one morning/early afternoon, anger, etc. An interesting twist with these last couple of weeks is I want to buy stuff like crazy; I know it's a common symptom, it just has never happened to me before. Thankfully, somehow, I am only spending gift cards I have been given and seem to be sticking to things I need/nothing extravagant. Somehow, the "not made of money/don't like to spend a ton of money" part of me is managing to keep my spending contained/weirdly realistic and needed. Even though I know I won't (and don't think I'd ever actually want one) part of my brain is saying "let's go get a semicolon tattoo on your finger RIGHT NOW." I could also hear the effects of this in my voice when I was on the phone earlier.

I still feel pretty in control of everything my brain wants to do, but I am also aware it wants to go more out of control than it has ever wanted to before when I've had these symptoms. Hopefully, things won't get out of hand and I can keep using this energy in my favor to get caught up on things I couldn't do because of being so sick for a month and a half.

Went to the worst funeral ever and it lasted 2 hours. It was a lot to take in. Now im making a coconut cake.

I’m scared of losing my ssdi when I get married in March.

Urinary retention is a side effect of a class of drugs. Actually, several classes.

"Urinary retention has been described with the use of drugs with anticholinergic activity (e.g. antipsychotic drugs, antidepressant agents and anticholinergic respiratory agents), opioids and anaesthetics, alpha-adrenoceptor agonists, benzodiazepines, NSAIDs, detrusor relaxants and calcium channel antagonists."

Whether an individual drug in a class gives you this side effect can only be determined by trial and error. Just because drug A in that class gave you that side effect does not mean that drug B would, too, even if this side effect is included in the list of side effects. So I would still try it and see what happens.

It worries me that you say that you do not need an antypsychotic because you are currently not experiencing psychosis. I made the mistake of thinking this way in the past, much to my detriment which I will not describe here. Antipsychotics are now a first line of treatment for bipolar, regardless of whether you have psychosis currently. They prevent mania and depression and are very important in your case, imho. Just because their name is antipsychotics does not mean that there are purely for the treatment of psychosis. Their use is far broader than that.

Of course, it must be awful to be a catheter and I am sorry you have to go through this, and during holidays!

@Moose72

@HALLIEBETH87 I believe that the entitlement to SSI depends on your spouse' income, but SSDI, being an insurance, does not. I might be wrong about it. Have you researched this issue?

I miss-read that as you were scared of losing your teeth! I couldn’t imagine! I’m pretty sure SSDI is not affected by marriage unless it’s based on someone else’s work history. Like say a previous husband. As long as it’s based on your history it should be ok. But if you get Medicaid in addition that might be affected

sounds like you are rapid cycling...

"And the good news is that your spouse's income generally doesn't affect any SSDI benefits you may receive. That's because SSDI is a program to help people who have already paid into the system. This means that your SSDI is based on your prior earnings and not on your spouse's income."

this is not from an authoritative source, though. This is from a law firm that specializes in disability benefits.

What about SSI? I bet that’s not the case with it.

Thanks I really rely on ssdi to help make it while in school. I really need the Medicare insurance mostly for my Pdoc and meds.

SSI is dependent on spouse' income.

It’s Christmas and I’m
Trying not to get caught up in the shoulds. I should be merry and bright. I should feel less stressed. I wish I was all
That. But I want my Mawmaw back with us. I want my dad here on earth again .

I just need sleep maybe

Tired, so tired.