I’m struggling too!

We now have hotel reservations!

Congrats on the hotel reservations!

Went with N3 to downtown and sat in a coffee shop while N3 did homework. Then went to church and heard the choir director play the organ with an oboist. Then it was time for the 5-person choir to sing chant and old 1500s music. I recorded it on my phone. N3 got to do some solo chanting. We also got in 45 minutes of walking around town!

The voices came back tonight telling me to kill my friend. Luckily he knows I am not the voices and would never do that!

Saw my Pdoc today. Very good appointment I told her about the breakthrough auditory hallucinations. She called them “command hallucinations”. When I look up command hallucinations I see it associated with schizophrenia but not bipolar. Could that be part of my schizoaffective disorder? She doubled my Ativan from .5 at bedtime to .5 morning and bedtime. She also doubled my propranolol for my unwanted movements. She has Loxapine in her back pocket in case the hallucinations don’t go away stating that I’ve only been on Caplyta two weeks and it takes about a month to take full effect.

ETA: it’s been 3.5 weeks!

That’s a long time for auditory hallucinations. I’m not sure. I get them but I’m not schizoaffective type BUT I don’t know what “command” type means.

Command type means they are ordering you to do something like in my case “Kill Scott”.

The voices are getting bad again tonight and are giving me commands in vivid detail about my friend and when he comes to visit me this weekend.

Do you feel safe? Can you ignore the voices’ commands?

Well yes I can ignore them because he’s not here but he will be on Saturday and Sunday. I can only see them getting worse! I can hardly believe that my brain is capable of such imagery!

Can you postpone seeing him given what the voices are saying?

I suppose I could but I don’t really want to. I’m looking forward to his visiting.

As long as you feel safe

I do right now. It’s night time when the voices are the worst.

It’s dark….

My friend thinks I need to go to the psych ER. The voices are still there but now vivid visions have started.

I never went. I went to sleep instead. This morning the voices have quieted but everything is relative because they were so bad last night.

Well at least they're quiet right now. Focus on the moment. You're okay and you're going to be okay. Just keep in touch with your team, aight?

Now my friend is next to me and I keep having thoughts of harming him. Visions of my carrying out heinous acts.

We just ordered pizza. I’m trying to distract myself.

Got a sharp knife out.

time for the psych er. please don't take risks.

I agree with BeyondtheRainbow. Please go to the ER.

Just tell them you're homicidal and need help.

Please go to the ER