Bipolar Check-in #80

I'm supposed to see my therapist today at 8AM. Thinking about canceling. I don't really feel like talking to her and hearing about my out of whack hormones again and how I need to make an appointment to see my moronic GP who is completely clueless and put a bipolar on phentermine of all meds 😒. Ugh. But on the other hand an iced soy sugar free caramel latte sounds really good, though it's kind of chilly out so I'll probably get it hot. I don't know. I don't trust my therapist. She likes committing me and having me med monitored. I just won't talk. I'm fine as long as I don't start talking. I'm pretty good at keeping my cool. When I was a drunkard I was really good at hiding it.

I went to bed at 11pm again and got up at 1am. Wide awake right now, but wrote in my journal (lots of secrets) and took a shower so I'm squeaky clean and to make him happy 😊 (because I'm all about making the GOD OF LOVE ❤️ happy right now) I took 100mg of seroquel to try and get sleepy, but it didn't work, and my allergies are really bothering me (itchy eyes, sneezing, runny nose) so I took a zyrtec since benadryl was making me anxious, and now it's 4:30am and I'm just laying in bed attempting a rest period before my appointment (that I want to go to yet I don't want to go to because I want a coffee but I don't trust my therapist. In fact, I don't trust her SO MUCH I think I'm actually going to tell her that. Might as well be honest I guess).

Oh. I'm listening to Sleep Token. It's so beautiful I started crying before! Brought me to tears 😢 . Seriously.

@raspberrytorte

It sounds to me like your meds are not working between lack of sleep, hypersexuality, pressured speech. You really need to give your pdoc a call. Sometimes the meds end up so out of whack you just really do need an adjustment. I know you don't want to call the pdoc, but reading all of your recent posts, you definitely need one. You don't want to end up in the psych hospital.

I am an awful POS instigator who doesn't know when to stop.

Ugh, it' s that time of the month, and I'm just knackered even though I slept 8.5 hr. last night.

I'm going to the library this afternoon with my daughter, and she's driving. She's only got her learner's permit, so riding passenger with her in the car is nerve-wracking. It causes me very high anxiety. I wish I still were on clonazepam. I can't wait until my husband finishes teaching his summer course this month. Next month he still has a different summer course to teach, but that on is all online, and he's taught it before, so he'll be home more to help my daughter with her driving. It's a long drive for him to and from work (1.5 hr each way), so I really don't get to see him much when he has to go in so often and can't work online.

I'm agitated as fukk. Found out when my current psychiatrist leaves I have a choice between seeing two POS psychiatrists. I've seen both before. I chose the lesser of the two evils. Got to hear the typical talk of hormones and how I should make an appointment to see my GP. What the fukk is my stupid GP going to do? Put me on birth control? I'm a 41 year old woman and I've been on numerous hormonal birth controls in the past and regardless of the type they all turned me into a raging POS bytch. My dumb GP would probably just look at my file and tell me to see my psychiatrist.

I feel really bad because my therapist lectured me about how my husband was just setting his boundaries, etc., and now I'm all ashamed of myself and STILL sexually frustrated. 😡

And I feel even worse because I yelled at one of our cats and scared our other cat because I never yell and I'm just so frustrated and I have to go to the store to buy tea and a couple of other things but I don't feel like it though the walk would be nice because it's not too hot out but I just want to sit here and type out my secrets in my journal but I'd be able to see ducks and I love ducks.

I'm going to start crying in about five seconds. I'm pissed, sexually frustrated, agitated, ashamed, freaking out about my psychiatrist leaving, and my therapist just made me feel worse. I KNEW there was something wrong with me physically. I'm some sort of sex freak. I feel as though I can't help or control myself though. It's OVERWHELMING. It's INTOLERABLE. It's making me agitated. And I'm lonely.

I think I'm going to attempt a rest period.

@raspberrytorte

It's weird your T connects your hypersexuality to your hormones and not to bipolar hypomania? Because with lack of sleep, irritabiltiy, etc., I'd think she'd put the hypersexuality under hypomania and tell you to contact your pdoc and not a GP or gynecologist. But what do I know? I'm not a T.

I'm sorry your pdoc is leaving. My very exceptional pdoc retired a few years back, and that was so hard for me. The guy I have now is very good, but just not the same. It's hard to lose a trusted member of your care team.

I stopped drinking soda and coffee and I stopped eating fast food all together. I'll drink Arizona tea and Capri Sun. The only chips I'll eat are Veggie Straws, Apple Straws, Pirate Booty, and Harvest Snaps. The only candy I'll eat are Reeses Pieces. Although I did buy a bag of those viral peelable mango gummies from Walgreens.

I'm still puking my guts out all the time, but my self esteem and mental health is a lot better.

She indicated that I'm high right now but is hoping I'll level out or something along those lines because I was so depressed before. The bytch made me feel TERRIBLE. My hormones are BETRAYING me apparently. I have an hormonal IMBALANCE. I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME PHYSICALLY. Wtf am I supposed to tell my stupid GP?! I'm not calling her. It would be a waste of time. I KNEW I shouldn't have talked at all at my stupid therapy appointment because now I'm agitated and want to destroy something and think that maybe I will. I'm a fukking freak.

I'm so glad my pdoc is reasonable and is doing this 100 mg at a time instead of what yours did. What was that, 800 mg at once? That would be awful.

I slept really well last night with the lowered dose. So hopefully my awful night was just a fluke or one of the bad nights I have from time to time.

I really want to be on less meds. Including my physical meds and vitamins/supplements I'm taking 32 pills and one patch per day. Some of those I am taking a number of pills to get to one dose (like 4 100 mgs of gabapentin so it's easier to adjust than a 400 mg pill would be) but still, it's 3 handfuls of pill every night.

I feel as though she wasn't getting the severity of my situation.

Yeah. It was 800mg at once.

I take three handfuls of pills a day. I'm technically supposed to take them in four doses but I squeeze the two afternoon doses together to make it easier and because I don't feel like taking pills all day long. I'm on like eight meds I think. Propranolol, diazepam, gabapentin, seroquel, loxapine, cymbalta, sertraline, metformin, topamax, but the Cymbalta is going away at my next appointment.

I'm a fukking walking pharmacy. I'm surprised I can even construct a sentence. I'm surprised I can even function!

Whatever I guess. I don't care.

😭 😭 😭 😭

Wow! And I thought I was on a lot of meds. Maybe the problem is you're overmedicated.

I'm on Lamictal, Geodon, Proanolol, Prestiq, Topamax, Valium. All prescribed by my pdoc

Then zofran, Pantropaoloze, and my weekly shots prescribed by my medical doctors.

I also take Golo 3x a day, a daily probioitc, melatonin, and Tyelnol if needed.

Is that a lot of meds?

I don't feel overmedicated.

I take everything at night because I am apparently incapable of being responsible for taking things during the day. I even take my thyroid pill at night although that's generally taken in the morning. If I set an alarm for it I'll just sleep through it. So I just don't take anything that can't be taken all at once. It drives the hospital crazy and every time I'm there they try to switch me to taking some meds in the morning. It lasts until i get home. When I was working I took Nuvigil and thyroid in the morning and that was fine but I wasn't nearly as sedated back then.

I understand feeling like a walking pharmacy. Every time I fill my pill boxes I think that this is ridiculous. But it's what I need right now. Hopefully we'll get some stuff lowered. My problem has been that every winter I get severely depressed and need my meds increased but never quite get to the point we can lower them. Or something happens like this year we added seroquel temporarily and it turned out to be the best thing ever and no way am I going off it. Then I wind up on too much medication but not stable enough to go down. So trying to go down on my gabapentin is huge. I may get to stop my topamax sometime too if there is time before winter.

In the winter I may have to take everything I lose the summer but a few months off would be nice.

So I'm not eating meat. I don't know if I ever will again. But I am having trouble figuring out what to eat. We went to the food bank today so we have stuff but it's not like full meals. Victoria's friends come tomorrow.

I took my first dose of Rexulti.

I usually wouldn't post about this but I'm so looking forward to relief from the antipsychotic withdrawals!

I went to the gym today. I did an everything workout so the strain was spread out over a bunch of exercises. My brain was zapping away during the workout. Hopefully that'll stop soon with the Rexulti.

Hugs to those that need them
(((((((((HUGS))))))))
Bizi

I'm in a "life sucks, damned if you do, damned if you don't" mindset tonight. I had a short phone call with my mentor/spiritual director. He said he wants me to either have 3 months of mental health stability/a more consistent prayer life (these two often go hand in had for me) or 3 months of me continuing to be in this "maintain mode" I've been stuck in. The call dropped before I got a chance to say the very reason I wanted to have this conversation is because I'm trying to figure out how to live in a world involving both mental and physical illness. He knows it's been years since I've had stability so why do I have to wait even longer?

It feels like , outside of all of you, only my pdoc truly gets what I'm going through. I feel horribly alone at times because it's hard to always feel misunderstood when with others.

It's just really hard for me to find any meaning or purpose in life when all I get to do these days is battle my mental and physical health. I don't want to do anything to harm myself, I just can't see the point of my life right now.

I don't care what my stupid fukking **** therapist says, I'm calling and talking to a nurse at my psychiatrist's office on Monday. Just to see if there's something going on with me psychologically right now because Husband is one hundred percent positive I'm hypo right now and he knows me better than her and he thinks my primary is a moron too and would just put me on something that would fukk me up even more or tell me to talk to my psychiatrist so the appointment would be completely pointless.

I got really drowsy last night and I fell asleep around 3 for an hour. Then I ate a cup of soup for dinner and watched Wheel Of Fortune and then went to bed.

I woke up at 1AM feeling super anxious and also groggy so I took my Geodon and went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 2 or something and I took the rest of my meds and I ate some Reeses and then I started throwing up half an hour later. I got back to sleep an hour later maybe.

I woke up at 7:11 feeling sick as a dog so I took a zofran and I immediatly started puking again. Things calmed down. At 9 I got drowsy again and I slept for 40 minutes. I decided to get a coffee since I thought it might help. Instead it just caused me to projectile vomit.

Idk whats up with this sudden fatiuge and needing to take cat naps. Right now I feel ok although I still am throwing up a bit.

I don't take the Golo all the time because lately I just haven't been hungry on my own. A combination of being sick, and my own wiilpower.

your life seems so had to handle. I sorry you keep getting sick throwing up and they have not been able to help you with this problem.
I wish for you hope that some one any one will help you.

Our forum seems awfully quiet these days.
I am feeling like we have lost a lot of people.
bizi

This whole site seems like a ghost town now compared to a few years ago.

Well I for one haven’t been checking in.