Bipolar Check-in #80

I got this week's groceries hopefully they last. I freaked out when h wanted to go somewhere today. I told him he could go but I was staying home. I need to brush my hair by Monday because I see pdoc Monday. It's bad. Everything I prepared for the dog counted on a car now I have to replan everything from training to food to vet. My dog has been in pain today and had a bloody stool so I have to keep an eye on her. Find her a new vet too. She's taking pet aspirin. I'm going to be a shut in if I keep it up. I don't answer the door, I don't talk to people even when talked to, I avoid Dr appointments because I have to go out. I don't even want to go to my parents house I'm extremely stressed about it. H says I can cancel going but that doesn't seem right. I don't know.

I slept all day. I woke up a couple times to eat something. But I could not stay awake the majority of the day. I've been up for about 4 hours listening to music and reading Reddit.

I had the news on so maybe it was legit. Or else I was just having a dream where I heard people were going to go look for the white buffalo and end up getting lost. My mom said she wouldn't put it past people actually doing that.

My gosh was it ever a crazy trip to get to the ship for Alaska!

Our original flight got cancelled and they wanted to fly us out the next day. That would have been impossible because the ship would have left by the time we arrived.

After much talking with the airline, we got on a flight going to Montreal and then go to Vancouver. Montreal is further away from Vancouver than Toronto, where we started but it was our only option.

The flight to Montreal got delayed by 2 hours, eating up all our time for the connecting flight. We landed in Montreal and ran to our connecting gate. I had to run pushing my mother in a wheelchair! I thought my heart would give out!

We were the last to board. It turns out our luggage didn't make the connection. So we spent the night in Vancouver with only the clothes we were wearing, didn't even have a toothbrush!

We were boarding the ship when we found out our luggage arrived in Vancouver. We had to get someone from the cruise line to collect our luggage for us since we were already 1/2 way through the check-in process. Our luggage arrived minutes before the ship left but we didn't know that. It had to go through security which delayed things by a couple of hours. So we thought that we'd have to buy all new clothes, etc.

In the end, our luggage got sent to our rooms. What a mess!

I left out a lot of other details like gate changes and running, while pushing my mother in the wheel chair!

We got middie seats and I'm a tall guy so I was stuck in the center seat unable to move. And my legs cramped. I couldn't sleep or read. I was tired and hungry and had to deal with my mother's issues too.

In the end we made it onto the ship and my mother is glad to be with us. We're a group of 7 people.

Now on to Alaska! The ship WiFi doesn't allow access to this forum so I don't think I'll be able to post anymore (I'm posting from Canada still) until I get back to Canada.

It is beautiful so far! And the food is great!

See you all in about 5-6 days. Take care everyone!

My anxiety is really high and Imodium is helping. Klonopin, not so much but it's better than nothing. Depression is still there but maybe it'll get better. Who knows.

Bye for now!

I got another 6 hours of sleep last night. So I slept all day and still slept last night. I woke up and I've been kinda tired so I had a couple glasses of iced chai. I threw up some water this morning. I'm trying to distract myself but then I get too distracted and then thoughts about the 11th just come back and hit me. So I'm trying to find a balance. I went down 20mg on my Geodon. I don't know. I only ate half of my bagel? Lol. A lower appetite is all I'm feeling tbh. I don't feel anymore anxious or anymore energized then I did before.

I was pretty down in the dumps for a bit. I was throwing up a ton. I finally got it under control and then took all my meds for the day. Now I feel better depression wise.

I just remembered I have my dumb at home wellness visit with my insurance company tommorow. Even a $100 gift card isnt worth it right now.

My mom just said thats it actually good if I do bad on this at home visit...

Haven't showered in a couple days. Weird sleep schedule. Told my CM to call before our meeting so hopefully I'll be awake. Get my butt in the shower before then so she doesn't have to smell my stank. Oh wait, it's summer. The stank is permanent and doesn't go away regardless of how many showers or use of deodorant.

The ole' partner isn't around. Been a mess since Wednesday--obsessively looking at this trippy looking piano print tee they gave me (not giving it back, gonna burn that beautiful POS). I keep looking at a I made a playlist before my last sui attempt, and I've been listening to/adding to it over the past few days.

I had some insomnia last night but still managed 6 hours of sleep. Lately I have been sleeping 8, 8.5 hr. a night, and I'm a little tired today.

I'm also quite light-headed today whenever I stand up from a sitting position. I know it's low blood pressure when standing, but I'm not sure what brought it on. I have been eating meals regularly and snacking, so I'm not sure what's going on there. I'm going to try to drink more water to stay hydrated. I hope it goes away soon.

I'm back so soon lol. I'm seriously thinking of another urgent call to the CM, but I just made one on Thursday, and I don't want to wear my treatment team out anymore than they are and have been.

I purged for the first time in months, and that was more blood than I've ever seen! It was bright red, so I'm assuming it's just some blood vessels popping, probably more easily after the relapse.

Sigh. If I had money I would totally go on a huge online shopping spree right now, but sadly I do not, so I won't. Probably for the best. I just need to upgrade my wardrobe since ninety percent of my clothes don't fit me anymore because I turned into a fat.

Been thinking about Husband all day and have been uncomfortably hot and bothered. Just want to jump him. He sent me this really cute picture of us circa 2002, probably our very first selfie (before the selfie and cellphones were a thing). Aw. We're so young! Like 20 and 21. Long *** time ago!

I woke up from a deep sleep with Adele blasting in my ear and my stomach on fire with pain. I took my temp and its normal. So I just took a couple tylenol and a couple dramamine and I'm waiting for the pain to go away. Some special about hurricanes is on TV.

I canceled my trip to Los Angeles and really beat myself up about it. Apparently, my period comes at the end of the month, and since I skipped last month I didn't realize the exact dates of it, and booked my trip within my period schedule. If it were to come while I am traveling or with my boyfriend, I really think I would have lost it, so I canceled everything. I was also very anxious about traveling, so I don't think I am ready yet to commit to something like that.

The hotel gave me a full refund, but the flight didn't which annoyed me to no end. I am feeling relieved, yet very emotional since my cycle actually started today, prompting me to realize all of this. Ugh, I hate being a woman sometimes.

@LadyShadow

I hate being a woman sometimes too!!! Men have it easy. They don't have to deal with periods and excessive hormone fluctuations and bloating and cramping and pain and pregnancy and morning sickness and squeezing something the size of a WATERMELON out of their crotch and having their body RUINED and stupid paps and mammograms and dealing with birth control (and the hormonal fluctuations that come with THAT) and PMS and being all emotional and shyt and CRYING. UGH!!

All they have to do is stick their d*ck in things and get off. Don't have to worry about birth control or getting pregnant. Nope. Must be nice being a MAN.

They also don't have to deal with the maintenance that comes with being a woman, like hair shampooing and washing and brushing hair practically down to your *** and shaving your legs and pits.

Sorry. I really do like men a lot (well, some of them). It's just that I just got done with my period, am horny with no relief in sight, have bad allergies and a pounding headache, am nauseous still and still spotting a little and am really PISSED OFF FOR SOME REASON. I don't know what's going on! My periods never used to be quite this painful, never lasted this long, and never made me nauseous before. I turned 41 and my body went to hell! I mean, it lasted SEVEN days. They used to last four! Wtf is HAPPENING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Editing raspberry coming in: Got some. Feeling MUCH better now. A lot less angry. Lol. Sorry men for my man hating rant!

@Mountaindewed

Why are you going down on your geodon?

(About your psychiatrist... he doesn't need to know...)

the radio has been talking to me. telling me stuff. im not depressed or manic

I think I'm on too many psych meds and that might be one of the reasons I don't have much energy. I do feel more energized today without the 20mg. I got into the shower without an issue and actually took a legit one. Although I am still throwing up a ton.

I had an almost similar experience this summer. Our plane was late and our luggage didn't come with the same plane (the next plane).

After two days it arrived and the rest of the vacation was very, very good!

May you and your group's vacation be wonderful as well!

Hi all,


It has been some time since we saw each other here last time, and a new avatar as well.


My disorder is in remission! That means that I am almost fine. Some days are good, but with some black days in between.

Yesterday evening I got miserable over a small trifle, but the topic was important to me. I showed somebody an old family picture, and they didn't say something about that it was beautiful. (This picture is for me a picture of love in the family). Many things can happen in one's life, inside and outside family, but to remember some of the love one was brought up with is so important for the continued growing in the here and now.


I have felt depressed for the rest of the evening yesterday and all day long today. Far out in the day I was able to make some food and eat some tomatoes. That calmed me a bit, so I was able to think in CBT terms. I think I understand all the facets of the problem. I think it is over for this time, but I need to work on it as a vulnerability, so I can master similar "things" next time and prevent a setback.

I send my best wishes to you all!

Just overwhelmed with so emotion. Really worried about my boyfriend, his daughter is not well, and I haven't heard from him all day. That's one of my biggest barriers right now, dealing with all of that. I don't let it get me down too much, because this is what it has to be right now. I fell in love with a man with children, so this is something new that I have to handle. I needed this time to myself today too because I needed to take care of me.

Met with the priest at my church today for his counsel, and I learned a lot. I am going to convert soon, probably at the end of the year, when there should be more people to take classes with. This nice couple at my AA group is also part of the church, and my priest mentioned that I should stick with them, which I am - I happened to see them at a meeting today and got one of their numbers. Also, after his counsel, I went to the church to pray alone. It reminded me of the times when I was in New York that I walked into a similar church and spent time there alone before my therapy sessions. It brought me such peace, and I felt that presence again when I prayed today in an empty church again.

My ex-husband's birthday is tomorrow, and it stirred so much emotion in me. I was debating on whether or not to call his mom and give my birthday wishes, but I decided against it. If I want to give my current relationship a chance, I MUST let that go. I prayed about it though, and I cried. It's been a while since I felt the presence of God, and it moved me to the point where I think I know what to do now. Faith is so important to me and my recovery, so I have to keep believing. Being bipolar tested my faith to the extreme - the mania was deeply rooted in religious experiences. Since coming out of it to a relatively clear sense of reality these days, I feel I can rediscover real faith again.

CM developed a treatment plan and had me sign it. Damn, do I feel bad about myself now. Every fcking field of assessment was a 1 or a 2 (one being most extreme negative impact on functioning and 2 being very difficult to function due to problems in that box, the highest value is 6). It was basically "poor choices," "uses (x) as self harm" over and over. There was one specific remark that makes me want to say "fcck you, I'll do this on my own," and quit treatment.

I'm a 1.

edit: ughhh I keep trying to not think about it or think "I'm really going to work on doing better," but the look of three pages of 1's and 2's and that one fccking comment makes me think I am the most fccked up person on this planet. I am trying SO HARD not to go OD in a field of poison ivy.

THEY PUT A FCCKING 1 ON MEDICATION COMPLIANCE!! I'M NOT PRESCRIBED ANYTHING!

I have work tomorrow from 2pm to 10pm. Then I get Wednesday off. I work Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It’s going mostly well, I did take a sick day today because I got zero sleep last night and I figured I wouldn't be productive at all if I was there and I might have had to go up on a tall ladder and that’s not safe on no sleep. I’m not getting in the habit of calling out though. That was the first and last time unless I legitimately get sick at some point like in the winter. I’m just gonna have to get my sleep back on track.

I have bruises all over my legs and arms from lifting 80lb bags of concrete, lumber, garage doors, tile, dealing with pallet jacks etc at work.

Thursday and Friday are gonna suck because I have to head to the bus stop at 4:45am cause I start work at 6am those days. Which means I’ll have to get up by 3 at the latest to get ready and eat breakfast.

I’m still doing my volunteer job too with the cat rescue but on a fill in basis now because my work schedule.

I’m doing mostly good. My mood is good. A little anxious. I have something anxiety provoking to deal with tomorrow morning before work. Other than that I’m good. I’m taking my meds everyday

Im also gonna go grocery shopping tomorrow because I really need some food in the house I’m out of literally everything. I have a few eggs and a biscuit leftover and that’s it.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next Tuesday. Shouldn’t be any changes. I’ve been on the increased dose of abilify (30mg) a month now and it’s going well. My other meds stayed the same.

Still waiting to get an appointment with a new therapist since mine died a couple weeks ago.

I thought going down on the Geodon would help. But I was so tired all day. I took 2 half hour naps. I had my appointment with the nurse and she was nice but I was so exhausted the whole time. It was really tedious doing this visit. She had to go through all my meds and asked a lot of medical questions about my family history. Then she had to do some physical stuff. She checked my blood pressure and it was low. She said I was a bit shaky. I wore a mask because she had covid a week ago. She had a mask on too. I'm just glad its over with. But I'm not sure whats up with this fatigue. Unless I'm getting covid myself or some shyt. 2 naps in a day is a bit excessive. Especially since I've been sleeping through the night.

Oh and she wants to assign a social worker to my family for some reason. My mom thinks it might be good for them to help my brother find a job.

She checked my heart by puting her stesphscope down my shirt. I get I don't have a chest so she wasn't feeling anything. But still kinda an odd way to check someones heart.

I am throwing up so much right now I'm worried I'm gonna rupture my stomach. I got wingstop for dinner but I didn't eat much of it. I got the non spicy paremsan garlic kind.

Saw pdoc we're waiting till next month to up my Zoloft as he wants my husbands eyes on me. I'm fluctuating between being very understanding and being very angry. It's very confusing. Pdoc says it can be depression or a mixed state but he thinks depression. He wants to see my service dog when I get home. I'm so angry right now. I can't sleep I read about project 2025 and now I'm diving into the 1000 page document. I can't be this angry going to my parents house. I want to sh I'm so mad. I think I've been smoking to calm down. They pick me up Sunday. I can't smoke there. My body is on fire I'm so mad. I can't even point to why I'm mad.

I feel better this morning! I read about CBT yesterday evening. It made me think about that, I have been shy since I was a little child. I was also and still am (to some degree) very kind. I think it was that part of me that became hurt Sunday. So it is more some kind of self-love and acceptance that was needed in that situation, to comfort the little child within and accept that I am who I am and that is OK.

The weather is not the best, so I will use this day, first of all, for physical exercises at home, then for cleaning.

Best wishes to all!

So exciting! I hope the conversion will be beneficial for you!

I do not even slightly want to go to work today but I am heading out in two hours to get it over with then I have tomorrow off.

I'm having horrible anxiety and panic attacks today. I don't know what to do to calm them down. I'm no longer on clonazepam, so I don't have anything to take to help. I've tried grounding, but it only helps while I'm doing it, and as soon as I stop, the high anxiety comes back. God, this is awful