Bipolar Check-in #80

10 years ago when I moved into this house my therapist told me I'd know I was settled into my home when I knew where the light switches are. That seemed sensible until this morning when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and apparently didn't know where the entire door was. I smacked straight into the doorframe with my forehead. I've gone to the bathroom in the dark a thousand times here but this morning I guess I just forgot. I'm fine, just a bump and a bruise. This has not been my month.


Still anxious about my therapist going on medical leave but trying to stay calm about it. I can't do much about it until I can talk to him next week. And I'm not sure even that is going to help much. What's he supposed to say, that he won't do it because I'm anxious? I think this is also raising anxiety about what it will be like when he retires in 2 years and this feels like a practice run for that.

I keep trying to remember this will be completely over in 12 weeks or less and that is not such a long time.

Been feeling damn bugs crawling on me
Tonight. Can’t wait to pick up my meds
From pharmacy tomorrow.

Last night was kinda scary. I was sleeping and then I woke up coughing and then I started just puking my guts out. Like really forcefully. Something is not right. No way is that normal.

I've decided to go on my trip tommorow. Last night spooked me a bit. Today wasn't terrible. I went and did a grocery pick up. My stomach was fairly calm until I went to lie down and threw up a bunch of raspberries. I have some pain and cramping.

But I have my Carhart sling backpack packed for tommorow and I'll see how I handle things any better then being at home.

I woke up because of loud fireworks and because I had a dream where I was getting my period and I needed food fast or I'd have a freak out. I haven't gotten a period since April 6th 2020. The cramps were just stomach related stuff. I've been eating a lot of grain free pasta and fruit.

@Mountaindewed I hope you are able to enjoy your trip and that your health issues don't really act up while you are on it!

I found a friend who is willing to stay the night with me when I get my endoscopy! My friends are saints. Since I don't have family here, my friends have done a ton for me these past few years to help me out, including when I couch hopped for six weeks when I first, in a very unexpected turn of events, ended up moving back here with 48 hours notice.

Counseling went okay today. It's an adjustment getting used to this new counselor because she has a plan of strategies she wants to teach me but I do more talking/filling in her in on things with my other counselor. This new counselor wants me to practice two different strategies each day (twice a day per strategy) and to take notes on how they go. After counseling, I got lunch with a friend and went with her to see Inside Out 2.

I'm noticing a new pattern when I'm pretty depressed-even though I know how miserable it is, I find myself tempted to try and trigger hypomanic, or even full on manic, symptoms. A bipolar buzz just sounds better than depression sometimes and I think it's just my brains way of telling me it wants an escape from reality.

Just kind of sitting existing today. Just in a lull period I guess with not a whole lot going on. Just really tired and moody. This thing about my thyroid really being off scares me, but it does make sense as to why I can't lose any weight. I know my diet is horrible, and I am not doing much of any exercise. Just feel like I am drowning a bit. God, why aren't we ever just happy?

I made it ok to our hotel. I didn't puke until we got into our room although I was struggling about 10 minutes before we got here. I took a zofran and I feel mid right now. Kinda not all that great physically and my anxiety is a bit high. I think I'll take a shower in the hotel shower. I haven't showered since Monday. I know thats gross, but I didn't go anywhere and I was alone on the elevator.

Tommorow I have to make one stop at a store. I honestly just went with my mom and my brother because my physical symptoms were getting too intense for me to feel comfortable being left alone.

I did get a good 4th of July deal on a Cahartt duck insulated flannel lined winter coat. I have my walmart gift card to use for food this month.

I took a shower and it was so nice. My shower at home is small and dark. This was the size an actual shower should be and it was brightly lit. And they had unisex Dove Shampoo conditoner, and body wash. I guess anyway to shower at this point works.

Does anyone think Biden is not going to make it much longer? Like I mean legit not make it? Pushing up dasies to put it politely.

Man does my stomach hurt badly. I've gone to the bathroom twice. I was just listening to this podcast on my drive about what these 2 people would do if they shyt a hotel bed.

I just threw up a big chunk of something that I could feel sitting in my stomach. Doesnt look too good but it felt good coming up.

I feel numb, but overwhelmingly emotional if that makes sense. Was on a ride with a friend to a dispensary in MA.

So yup. Hoping those folks can deal with that as well as a family can.

Doing OK here. H is freaked Trump will win the presidency (I am too) and wants to get the F out of this country. He is seriously looking into applying to overseas jobs. Don't know what is going to come of that though there actual is a job in Ireland that fits his skill set perfectly though it would be a long shot. The political climate in this country scares the F out of me too; I halfway think it's a huge part of my anxiety and panic lately.

Not meaning to debate politics or anything here. Sorry for an unpatriotic post on the 4th of July.

The the thought of Trump winning scares the fukk out of me too @Blueberrybook!!!! 😱

Anyway, in a good mood today. Great love experience last night. ❤️ Husband actually seduced me for a change. I was shocked and all like, "Oh my god! What are you doing?!" And he said, "What? I thought you needed some Raspberry time." I'm all smiles. My GOD OF PLEASURE.

We went to the Milwaukee zoo today with Daughter, which was fun. We're going out to see fireworks tonight.

I don't know. I'm just in a GREAT mood.

Today was an alright day. Slept in, ran a couple of errands, and tidied up a bit. I'm starting to get nervous about my endoscopy. I'm not really nervous about the procedure, but I don't like having to ask others for help in such a big way. And, I'm worried what I'll say when the meds they'll give me will kick in. When I have any type of sedation, during the phase where I'm awake but don't remember anything, my subconscious tends to come out big time. I hate thinking about what I might say, somewhat in front of the medical team but especially in front of my friends, without even remembering what it is. This is also the first time having any type of sedation since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder so this has me extra nervous about what might come out of my mouth.


If anyone did something for the 4th of July, I hope you had a good time!

I think I'm depressed. I'm sleeping a ton suddenly and I'm on less gabapentin than I was before. It's like if I can just sleep it off I won't have to go through the next few weeks.

My BIL has me quite stressed. Every year when they go on vacation I house and pet-sit. This year I confirmed the dates with my sister months ago and was planning to do it until my BIL offered it to his brother. I was a little hurt and very concerned I haven't done a good job or something but was reassured that wasn't true, it was just miscommunication. Fine. I wasn't really looking forward to it anyway. It's kind of a hard week as it's boring and I miss my AbbyCat and I have to deal with the cat that kills things bigger than she is and a flock of chickens when birds aren't my favorite thing.

Anyway, they leave this weekend. And tonight I got a text that there'd been miscommunication and my BIL's brother was only planning to do a few days. I am proud of myself; I said yes but I said I couldn't go until I had my therapy appointment Tuesday. I need in person therapy right now both because my therapist will be gone for a long time in 6 weeks and because of the depressive symptoms. So I'll be there Wednesday until Monday. Which is fine, it's not like i had big plans or anything but it's just confusing. And I'll have to do things which is actually probably good for my depression.

But as it is I've got a stomachache from the stress. I don't like changes in plans. (pouting)

On the plus side I realized that some bras I needed to return were just within the return for credit range and I won't wind up with a huge store credit and the pricing on my credit card. I almost missed that.

Hope everyone had a happy fourth!

I just had a wonderful love experience so I'm VERY happy. 😊 Husband seduced me again. It was great! I must have really gotten his juices flowing. Either that or he's feeling better. Whatever it is I'm liking it. It's 2AM and I haven't been to sleep yet. Not tired. Night meds STILL haven't kicked in... ugh! And usually they PUT me to sleep. Hopefully they still do soon.

In the meantime I'm just going to lay here in the darkness next to sleeping Husband in bliss and contentment, while listening to God is an Astronaut and relaxing. Ah yes. It's been a wonderful day!

took my first dose of risperdal last nightand i feel calm today

Ugh, last night I had a dream I woke up in a psych hospital. It was so real that when I actually woke up (still dark), I couldn't even orient myself to my bedroom, and I've been living in this house nearly 20 years. Talk about a nightmare.

Going with my daughter to the library this afternoon. She's driving on a learner's permit, and her driving makes me so, so anxious, I wish I had Xanax or something to take beforehand. I guess I've got plenty of propranolol to take an extra beforehand (and I used to be on a dose of 3 a day, now I take 2 a day), so it wouldn't hurt. It doesn't help the same as a benzo though. On the upside, I finished all my library books other than an ebook I'm nearlyl done with, and I've got 3 holds by authors I like waiting for me at the library.

Last night I guess I missed some pretty good fireworks from our hotel room. And my mom called me like 8 times lol. I had the door locked.

This morning I felt pretty good. And I was hungry so my mom and I went out to breakfast while my brother slept in. I got some swedish pancakes and I ate half of them. Then we stopped at a couple stores and my mom thought I understood Polish when the cashier was asking if I wanted something in a bag or not but I was just understanding his body language and how he was holding them out to me.

We stopped back at the hotel and got my brother and went on the road and I got Wendys triple berry frosty. And then I puked it up in my bucket. It looked like I had eaten Grimace. Just a ton of bright purple. I took a Zofran and I feel better.

So at least my anxiety and agoraphobia is ok today even though I have a messed up stomach. I'm not that stressed about the endoscopy although I did have a dream last night where I had cancer.

I think being off the 20mg Geodon and starting vitamin D has given me more energy.

@June08 I know what you mean. Last time I did not do well and it took 2 nurses to get me out of it. I had to help get dressed and everything. I have no recollection of my shirt being put on and I guess I was acting goofy. My therapist compared it to being blacked out when you've had too much to drink. This will be my 5th time going under since October 2020 and I thought it was supposed to get easier each time.

How can you tell if your having a heart attack or just have acid reflux? I've tried tums, zofran, prilosec. And my heartburn sucks and I'm throwing up a lot of water and stomach acid. I didn't have any coffee today. Just a couple Mcdonalds Diet Cokes and a liquid IV.

Edit: I took 3 tums and drank some water and then threw up again. But I feel better for some reason.

But before it was like an extra Geodon or 50mg of melatonin for out of control anxiety. Now I have Tums bottles and Priolsec and zofran and OTC pain meds all over my bed and my psych meds are in a basket on the end of my bed.

Rule of thumb is if you think you even MIGHT be having a heart attack you need to go to the ER and be checked because guessing wrong could be very bad.

I pulled a muscle in my back just bending over. H is concerned about my thoughts and me waking up at night. I leave Sunday to my parents house. I just have to hold it together for a month. I can do this. I'm having trouble eating today but I ate enough to take my medicine. I keep cooking food and giving it away. My thoughts would not bother me except the detail and I can visualize it. I'm keeping myself safe it's just annoying.

Damn it! All hot and bothered and trying to get some love out of Husband, but he kept on insisting he has stuff to do... boohoo! I need some Raspberry time! I said only twenty minutes... but he was persistently against my advances and begging. Now he's playing guitar. I wish he were playing me! He said if I'm still awake when he goes to bed, but I probably won't be because I just took my night meds. This sucks. I'm all pouty and shyt and engorged and uncomfortable.

He drives me crazy! 🤪