Bipolar Check-in #80

@MuddyBoots

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone lately. I know it's not the same but everyone here loves you. I know it's hard when you're alone and don't have anyone to turn to IRL. My best friend moved to Vermont. My other 2 best friends are actually my sisters; I am blessed in that we all 3 get along. One sister is about 30 min. away, but she has her hands full with my 3 nieces, 6th grade and under. Plus she has pneumonia right now and while she feels better after getting treatment still is needing to take it slow. My other sister lives near Dallas, which is at least a 4 hour drive away but often more if you hit bad traffic in Houston & Dallas.

You will get thru this bump in your mood. You always write interesting posts. I often think you could write quite an interesting book of your life & your journey with bipolar!!

Life is crazy. Bipolar is crazy. Addiction is crazy. People are crazy. I am crazy, lol. That pretty much sums up my week so far. I have just been running around incessantly and I need to just sit and be with myself. Overslept this morning and made it late into work, but I made it. So annoyed that there is always some crazy harsh thunderstorm forecasted every time I have to drive home. Driving for an hour in pounding rain is really hard, and always scares me - why do I have the worst luck with this? Ugh.

Things are better with my boyfriend. I have to really focus on my weight loss and taking care of myself. Keeping up with my friends is really important too because my husband never let me have my friends, and it was really hard for me. Now that I am with someone who wants me to have the best life I can live with the people in it, it has been a blessing.

Just so glad to see everyone posting. You guys keep me going by being able to check in here every day and see what everyone is up to. I am really thankful for this place.

@LadyShadow

You're bipolar. Bipolar is some crazy SHYT!

Just curious about your work...What is your job.

I'm glad things have evened out with your BF. Stress in a romantic situation is NOT good for anyone, let alone someone with bipolar. I am glad you have good friends. I only have 3 friends, 1 in Vermont and the other 2 my sisters. But one sister is 4 hours away, the other only 30 min. but she has her hands busy with her kids and is super involved in church activites all the time, so we hardly have time to get together.

I love to see everyone posting too. Just a few weeks ago, this thread was practically dead.

Agreed! (Even if a lot of the posts are from those a tad elevated haha, still love to read what's going on)

papaw is fading fast. they have him sedated and the nurse said hes in final stages of dying. he has the death rattle too. i left work early to be wtih my mom so she woudlnt be there alone with him.

granny is doing ok. my dead beat uncle is coming tomorrow from georgia so he can punch his son time card and not feel guiltyfor doign nothign for her any other time.

im just wanting to sleep. but i havet oo muhc to do. ugh.

Prayers for you and your family @HALLIEBETH87

@HALLIEBETH87

I am so sorry your pawpaw is fading. It was good of you to leave work to be with your mom. Hopefully the 2 of you can be of some support to each other during this tough time. Glad to hear your granny is holding up. Sucks to hear about your uncle; aren’t some people just like that?

I'm still getting irritably angry. Almost yelled at my mom because she was telling me I don't have money for arthritis meds for my ESA dog. I'm sorry but my 14 year old dog will not live her last days in pain. Just because I have another dog doesn't mean I stop taking care of my first one. Yes things need to be moved around and cut and she's worried about me taking care of 2 dogs. But if I'm paying x amount for training I'm going to pay y amount for medical.

ive had a very hard week. but my husband is playing my grandaddys 1956 gretsch guitar an d it makes me smile

HI halli,
music can be very soothing. hubby plays guitar for a living. he teaches at our university here and teaches both classical and jazz and other guitar styles.
We have been here since 2001. I have been doing foot care for just as long.
25 years is nothing to sneeze at. Hubby spoke with an investment man who said we could retire at 62.which hubby turns next year.
We dont see us retireing any time soon. we both love our jobs and the longer you wait to retire the more you have for ss income.
bizi

I work in Sales and Marketing @Blueberrybook - I go into the candle shop once a week to Raleigh, take care of the store and teach candle making classes whenever I am there. During the week, I do back end things for her through Walmart.com for her products. I live an hour away so it can be challenging. I also work in an accounting office in my town a couple of days a week too - mostly freelance, all my jobs are freelance - I enjoy the freedom of being a 1099 worker.

The one other day I go to Raleigh, I drive around like a mad woman on Wednesday with everything else I do, lol. I am glad things are evening out with my boyfriend - we came to a resolution. Bipolar is hard, my mood swings give me whiplash, sometimes for him too lol. Being in recovery is hard too - because on top of my crazy bipolar was crazy alcoholism too. I added a HUGE drinking problem to my bipolar problem - I think about how I am even alive and functioning right now - must be God, honestly.

Glad you have friends too, even if they are far away. I still have a couple of friends still in New York. Friends are so important, my ex-husband didn't let me keep any of those friendships, and I resented him for that so much. Now, I maintain as many friendships as I can and keep them close.

@HALLIEBETH87 you're in my prayers I know that's a lot to go through.

Hey there @bizi !! Good to see you around again!

Idk why I'm not getting much feedback or support like I was a week ago.

I feel ok right now. I just ate a prepackaged salad. I did a few minutes on my new treadmill. I am out of shape. I threw up a few times. Don't know why. I feel better now.

About to turn this slop off TV and call it a night.

I got up early today. Around 3:30am, worked on painting some of my miniatures for awhile in the early morning while listening to an audiobook. Then I fell back asleep around 6am to 11:30am. So though it was broken up I got a total of 9 1/2 hours of sleep which is good. I was gonna push through and just stay up but I'm glad I let myself go back to sleep. I forced myself to sit outside in the sun for 30 minutes and socialize a tiny bit. I have been having a hard time getting myself to go out of my apartment lately so I've been doing small things like that to get myself out of these four walls for awhile because otherwise I get cabin fever and feel like I'm losing my mind. It's kind of a cunundrum because going outside gives me anxiety but staying inside all the time makes my anxiety and paranoia worse so I really need to make an effort to get used to going out more. I go through phases where I don't struggle with it then phases where I do struggle with it. Tomorrow I'm gonna take a walk to the library.

I also cleaned today! Which is huge because I struggle with getting myself to clean mainly due to procrastination. I'm always putting it off and it never gets done. So I'm really proud of myself for cleaning today. Motivation always follows action, I have to realize I can't wait for motivation to strike, because 99 percent of the time doesn't come till I start actually doing something.

So it's been a good day. I finished one audiobook today, listened to some of another audiobook, read a lot on my kindle and am almost finished with an ebook on there. So I've been getting a lot of reading done lately and I'm happy about that because it's so much better than scrolling on my phone all day.

I don't have much going on this weekend. I have a volunteer shift on Sunday with the rescue cats but thats it really. Just gonna make time for exercise and practicing violin. I might do yoga tonight. Tomorrow I'm getting on the treadmill. I feel better mentally when I'm regularly getting physical activity.

blue bird what is your kitty cats name?

My husband is a pretty talented gutar player. self taught. im learning mandolin and can play mountain dulcimer a bit

I'm still around, just feeling quiet. There's no news in my bipolar. I am still steady on mild depression. I oversleep and overeat. I'm a recluse except for taking my dog out. I toyed with going back to competitive Scrabble, but the emotions are too intense so i quit. I discovered this amusing mode of playing on my phone in a cheesy silly app called Scrabble Go. I just play against the AI set really low so i win every game and don't get angry.

It was a rare cool Summer day here and i went out with no hat for the first time in months. I shaved my head in Winter when i got mad at it and it grows super slow. Now it looks like i just have a far-too-short haircut, but it's not horrifying like it was.

Glad you're feeling good @Blueberrybook and it sounds like you're doing what you can to keep a lid on it and not let it get out of control. When i'm hypomanic i also try hard to modulate my mood but after a certain point i just don't care, it's such a relief to feel good for once. Hope you can avoid that fate.

I had the best day. After my horrors in animal sitting I got home Monday. Tuesday I had therapy (1 hour 10 minutes each way) and a quick trip to Walmart. Wednesday we got up early to go see a museum exhibit in another city. So I hadn't had a chance to rest in those days. Today I thought I had to go pick up a package from the post office that they refused to deliver for a reason that made no sense but they delivered it today. I don't know. So I read for a while and took a 2 hour nap. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for supper because it's easy. The only thing I did was pull the trash can up the driveway and get the mail, then I put some things in the shed for my mom and chatted with her for 20 minutes or so. Then I came in and have done nothing worthwhile all evening.


I feel so much better. I was so tired and I think I am less tired now. I still need a couple quieter days. Tomorrow I have to go the pharmacy and Sunday is my nieces' birthday party so I will be planning another day of rest and quiet for Saturday.

All that stress started to melt away when I told my therapist. 3 more sessions before he goes on leave and I see this random person every other week for a while. So dreading this.......

Idk if this is considered being manic or not. Or just feeling better after feeling crappy for so long. I've had a big increase in energy. I'm leaving the house more. I'm really into healthy eqting and getting into shape. I'm not impulsive though and I haven't done anything risky. I only get irritated when I don't feel good. But I've been feeling better so my irritation isnt that bad. My sleep has been shyt but I think its because I've been waking up in pain. I've had some racing thoughts. I don't know.

Just an observation, but your posts over time seem to have gone from mood disorder stuff to mostly posting about what you eat/drink and what/how many times you vomit. For me personally, I've had to detach a bit because coming here and reading you threw up 7 times in a day and aren't eating much/mostly eating low calorie foods (that are pretty easy to purge at that, and it seems you keep eating foods that consistently make you throw up so that concerns us too and makes us think you're not taking your GI upsets seriously) is a bit triggering for the eating disorder I'm just barely starting to recover from. There are also others on this site with EDs that could find a lot of the content in your posts triggering too. Is it possible for you to minimize talking about everything that goes in and comes out of your digestive tract for our sake? Maybe make your own thread in the health support forum for you to post it if you need and focus more on mood stuff here (stressors too, but if it's the stuff you've been posting it'd be appreciated if you could keep it more general and/or put it in a trigger box)?

I care about you, man, but I also care about the community as a whole, and I'm trying to care about myself too. I want to see EVERYONE healthy by doing what's best for them.

I am so sorry you find your visit so trying and can't get the money to help with your dog's condition. I take it you can't talk to your T while there? Could you call your T and see if a phone session is at all possible?

I think it is wonderful you have held down a job for so long, especially with bipolar. Has your biplar mostly been stable with meds or do you still have a good deal of ups and downs? The longest I have ever held down a job is 1 month so I don't qualify for that disabiltiy or the other type (forget what they are called) because H earns too much. H also teaches at university, but engineering. He is up for tenure after next school year and is working hard to get the positive tenure review. But I think he'll get it just fine. He's just anxious about having to sell himself to the higher level committees that he doesn't know personally.

I love music too but H and I and daughter are all not musical. BIL is though. He teaches band at school and goodness plays just about every instrument in the band along with guitar and piano. My sister is a lucky woman!

Wow! Candle making sounds like an awesome job! I'd like to learn that I think it is great that you are freelance. Does it give you more flexibility in your work?

Sorry about alcoholism. Thankfully, that is one problem I don't have. I grew up in a non-drinking family, H doesn't drink, my sisters don't drink. Neither of us have a religious thing against it; I'd have the odd drink or two when I was dating oh, and I did have wine with dinner with the host we stayed with when when evacuated for Harvey, but only one glass. I haven't touched alcohol since then since H isn't a drinker either, I guess I just never saw the point. And of course, pdocs always are like no drinking on meds.

Ok sorry. I'll stop with the food stuff. Its just everyone was talking about their own issues that were basically the same all the time. Like sex and ODs and drugs and SI and S. I didn't know mine were any different or any more triggering.

OMG, raspberry! I am SO sorry your mom found out about your book! Did she flip out.

I feel you with the trip down memory lane into sexual abuse. Sometimes I take it because one instance ( Coincidentally, every time since then I usually fall apart and am in the psych hospital around November/Decmeber. That time of year is SO hard for me. Sometimes, the trip just happens without a trigger. Does that happen to you too?

But I do think it is good you can write about it, as a novel or otherwise. Sometimes I think if I could get it out journaling, it might help. But I find myself unable to start. I hate dwelling on it.

Rape and sexual abuse are HARD to get over. Sometimes I wonder if you ever do?

I'm sorry you are dealing with depression, even mild depression and being a bit of a recluse. I am too, mostly. Back when you were playing competitive Scrabble, it sounded like you had fun at first and then were stressed about it.

I think my mood is starting to moderate. Still up from where I was, but a week ago H said I was out of control and when pdoc said he'd see how I was doing in a week, H told me he wasn't sure I could make it that long.