Bipolar Check-in #80

@Scooter9
I am so sorry about everything you are growing through with your mother. When do you see your T? Hopefully, you can at least talk about it then.

I am sorry I want to respond to everyone else but Iam too wired up right now. Maybe shouldn't have had this coffee this morning. I've read all the posts though and those of you going thru hard times have my thoughts & prayers.

I am wired but my body is so tired, muscles and joints and such. I had to skip exercise this morning because of it. Maybe I will do pilates later in the day, maybe not because I need to cook dinner. H is concentrating on writing a grant proposal due soon and doesn't have time maybe I can getmy daughter to help but it will be like pulling teeth She hates cooking.

I feel like I have a motor whirring instead my brain or something. Brain going a million miles an hour. I want to talk but H wants quiet. So I tried watching TV with headphones on but kept thinking of other things that needed to be done and kept getting up to do them. So I kept getting up and sitting down again.

I saw the pdoc this morning. H came in this time and sat thru the appt. Pdoc said at least we avoided the psych hospital this time and that was big but if I start getting worse again I might have to go I have to see pdoc in 1 week again. What a pain. AND pdoc says no driving for a week!!! What the H*LL!!!Pdoc is such a downer. And H agreed with the stupid pdoc! Man! I am doing tons better! Why can't I drive at least locally? I have 3 prescriptions ready to pick up and the pharmacy is like a 5 min. drive away. I could do that at least. And H says he can't get them today and he knows I have plenty of those meds and it's fine to wait. But I always pick up my prescriptions as soon as theyre ready. I have some OCD too. In that my morning routine MUST be exactly the same: get up, use the bathroom, feed the cats, take care of litter, put away clean dishes (and if the dishwasher is not done overnight I get SO agitated, take out trash, exercise, shower & new clothes..etc. If I can't do that in the same way every single day, I get very agitated and just "off" IDK how to describe it.

Still have pressured writing. Sorry about a long post again.

I just got rid of my entire soda collection except for a case of Sprite Zero and my Gatorade. I put it in the trunk of the car and my mom is taking it to my sisters. It filled the entire trunk and then there were a bunch of loose cans from the fridge I put in grocery bags. My brother in law knows of a place that takes them if he doesn't want them.

I woke up around 4 this morning coughing in my sleep and then I threw up in my bucket and then I got back to sleep right away. But I feel pretty good today. A lot better then yesterday. I'm still throwing up a bit, but I'm not exhausted or lacking energy.

I'm down 6 pounds. My jeans are looser.

My endoscopy results came back but idk what they mean. So I'm just waiting for my doctor to call. Just a lot of long words and "the test strips came back fully submerged" and shyt like that.

Thank you @Blueberrybook!

I saw my T yesterday and discussed everything so far. She gave me some techniques to try to manage my anxiety. It was helpful to reflect on all of the events.

My pdoc suggested that I stop Rexulti since it seems to be causing swelling and I'm not getting much benefit from it.

So I'll only be in Prozac and Remeron. She said there's a chance I could go hypo manic but since my depression is so strong that it might not be an issue.

My pdoc also suggested that maybe I should try to stop all meds to find out my baseline. If we do that, it'll be in September or October.

The antibiotic I'm taking is starting to help. My pain is a lot less today and I'm not coughing so much.

My anxiety is still up, but that's pretty much par for the course along with feeling low.

@Scooter9

I am the glad antibiotic is helping you. Wow, possibly being able to stop all meds is HUGE! Though I guess taking is slowly would be best considering your mom’s situation.
Remeron was one of the first antidepressants I took. IDK if it worked or not because I refused to take it after awhile. All I wanted to do on it was eat and sleep. It was WAY worse the Seroquel for me. Does it affect you that way?

I have been like a yo-yo all day. I sit up to try to settle down and watch Tv, do a coloring, app read, then I am texting, jumping up all the time thinking of something else that needs doing ASAP ( though in reality it could wait until I finish an episode of my show) sitting down to rest, jumping up to.do something else before I forget it. Moodwise I a m still flying a little high. Even sitting down, I constantly jump between tv, coloring app, texting, MSF, listening to Spotify.

I find myself wanting to talk nonstop even though I am normally not that talkative at all. I am more clumsy too, and I am already clumsy to start with, dropping things, running into stuff. My legs especially are all bruised up. Even my hands too and I am cutting myself a lot more than I normally do shaving.

But I have a sex drive again! Not hyper sexual but just any sex drive at all going from absolutely none just before this episode. It didn’t even happen my last manic and psychotic episode but I didn’t get to stay in hypomania very long that time.

Life is good…I am flying along, I just need to be able to rest some though.

Believe it or not, I edited this down!

After I had a scheduled dr's appointment, day's been shyt. Trying to search my DBT handouts for a skill that'll help but won't allow me to take an opportunity to hurt myself (can't do things like (cold) showers, anything with taste, or drives for example). Gonna journal with IMPROVE, but I already know it's going to feel forced and fake, but I guess it'll pass time and I know forcing that mindset will eventually make it not feel forced.

I don't even want to do that. I already did shyt today for myself and now I just want to dig myself into a hole. It will get deeper and deeper though, and I'll stop thinking "I could make this better, but won't," but start thinking "I want to do better, but can't."

Ughhh I want to stop this. Literally no one wants me on this planet, and I don't want to be here, so what the fcck am I doing?

@MuddyBoots

Don't get too down on yourself. We all love you here & DEFINITELY want you around! Try to be gentle on yourself. You WILL get through this tough time.

Have you been able to do something relaxing, that won't feel forced, listen to music, do some stretching, watch a favorite show on TV? I'm not sure if you can concentrate to read. A lot of the times my bipolar gets in the way of my reading (such as lately). Can you print out one of those adult coloring pages and color it with map pencils or something? Even just plain coloring helps me relax.

Depression's the worst.

How was your dr's appt?

H told me to lie down and try to rest. He said the due date for his grant proposal is coming up next week. and he can’t concentrate with me trying to talk to him all the time. He said I need to chill out! Daughter is in her room with the door shut and says sheÂ’s napping. That kid sleeps SO much!

Sorry for all the many posts lately. I’m hyper!

I'm an anxious mess right now. My thoughts are all jumbled up. I took Artemis to Walmart and the bank she did so good I'm more nervous with her but I think that will stop over time. I had to order her harness on my own ( usually when I'm jumbled my husband checks over for me.) I hope I did it right because it cost $350. Then I stressed my dad out because I didn't tell him that the harness comes from out of country so we got a fraud alert.

@Victoria'smom

I'm sure you did fine. Do you have anything to help with anxiety?

@Scooter9

I just got a text from my sister. She has pneumonia too! Must be going around! LOL! (Well, not really LOL, I'm just hyped up, ignore that!) She thinks my youngest niece may have a version of it too, so she is having BIL take her to the dr. tomorrow. You aren't the one one just got back from a cruise are you? Sorry, I lose track of everyone, especially if it's been longer than a week or so! My sister & her family just did get back from a cruise into some port in Mexico. Cruise ships are just as good a breeding ground for germs as hospitals.

blueberry, get off of MSF already!! People are probably sick of hearing from you today!

At least I'm someplace where everyone UNDERSTANDS what mania is like!!

Awsome! I was wearing my top inside out all day and it's 4 PM now! H says he never noticed! I hope pdoc didn't notice.

The thing about these pdocs (at least the last 2 I've had from which I have gotten copies of my medical records) take notes on your exactly what you're wearing (i.e. long-sleeved grey shirt, blue jeans, sneakers, how neat your hair is and the famale one, even if you put makeup on! Current pdoc is male doesn't seem to note the application of makeup but just about everything else relating to your appearance.

Edited:
OMG! I make SOO many typos when I manic! Some I fix, others I can't be bothered.

All my ideas right now are just too brilliant to forget to write about later!!!

No I don't have anything for anxiety.

Just a crazy day. Went out to Raleigh, taught my "Law of Attraction" class and had a nice crowd, they really enjoyed the material. Then went to my old rehab to take in an AA meeting and some of the girls really liked what I had to say and took my number, then met with one of my best friends for lunch at Chili's and then met with my sponsor to discuss my amends and recovery at a nice smoothie place. Jam packed day!! The hour drive home back wasn't fun either, but I am getting used to it. Have to drive back into Raleigh for work tomorrow, I wish I could have just packed a bag and stayed with one of my friends, it would have been easier.

The heartbreaking part is I really hurt my boyfriend. I said some things I shouldn't have - it's only been 2 months in our relationship, so I really overstepped. Now he's feeling really bad, and I topped it off by telling him that I wanted "space." I feel that no matter what I do I am being mean to him because I am so angry and irritated at the situation we're in. I want too much too fast, and I know I am being very unreasonable and impatient. I can agree with you @June08 in thinking that I might be hypomanic - just being overly demanding and not really understanding. Not like my character at all.

@LadyShadow

Do you you a T you can discuss things with as to what you might normally consider what is too little and too much space for yourself and try to set boundaries there?

Yes, you def. could be heading into hypo though. Look at the tons of stuff you did in just ONE day! I'm already hypo and I'd past out from all that!

Great advice @Blueberrybook !! I think I may be a little hypo - but you know that's my usual Wednesday lineup! I have been cutting it back to every other Wednesday though lately because all that is way too much, lol. I am going to discuss boundaries with my therapist at our next session - what I did was drastic - I don't even want space! LOL. But I said I wanted it - hell I don't even know what I want!

@Blueberrybook

I'm pretty ok with Remeron - it just makes me really tired so I take it just before I go to bed. I have no idea if it's doing anything and I have been on it for a long time.

Yeah going off all meds is a big step but I think it's necessary to find my baseline since I've been medicated for about 20 years now.

Sorry about your sister and her pneumonia!

Yes, I am the guy that recently went on the cruise. My mother was really sick during the cruise and I had lots of close contact with her, and it turns out that she had it too. My family was not well after the cruise, but no one else developed pneumonia - just myself and my mother.

The thing is, pneumonia is always in the environment so it's possible to catch it if your immune system is busy fighting something else.

It's good that you are aware of your hypomania. I know it's hard but try to pause before you do something. Just long enough to think about what you want to do before you do it to add some mindfulness into your day.

@MuddyBoots you're a valued member of this community - we want you here!

@MuddyBoots We're here for you and absolutely want you around!



My counselor sure put me in my place. I needed it, but dang. She just said everything so matter of factly. I am officially cutting back on therapy sessions. I am going to see her once a month and then, next week, I will talk this other counselor I've been trying out about if/how much I want to see her. If I choose to keep seeing her as well, it will only be once a month with her too. After three years of counseling, I just don't want to keep doing the deep work. I want to stay stable, but the next level of healing involves learning to (and letting myself) feel feelings and I don't want to and don't feel ready to. Bipolar disorder, and past trauma, has me terrified of feelings.

Talking with her, I fully realized how much a fear of bipolar disorder leading to dangerous actions was the main thing that kept me going to counseling every week. This is something I'll just talk with my pdoc about when I see him at the end of the month.

Today is Thursday here which means I have one day left before the weekend. I survived the week .... almost ....

Tomorrow will be rough. I see my class for a double, my rough class, which means I need to put up with them for 2 hours in a row solid. Ughhh. It's a lot. Not looking forward to it.

I plan on going shopping this weekend. I need to buy more wool. I've been knitting a lot to keep my hands busy. I'm nearly 5 weeks vape free. Go me!

@Crazy Hitch

Congrats on quitting vaping!!! That's amazing! I hope to one day do the same thing.

Had a wonderful night of love. ❤️

My last appointment with my psychiatrist went well. I lost five pounds. Yippie. I suppose it's better than GAINING five pounds again!!!! God. We took me off the rest of my Cymbalta and upped my sertraline to 200mg, as planned. Hug good bye and now I'm in the tender care of Dr A. Lord help me! Had my six month review. I made my three month goal to start my novel and my goal by New Year's to have it finished. I have to get my fat booty into gear! Also made my ongoing goal to get my sleep schedule sorted out. HAHAHA. I'll try.

So morning went fine.

We went to the zoo in Green Bay. It was so fun 😁 ! Then we had to pick up my sertraline prescription and stop at the mall to pick up a shirt from Hot Topic - I ordered another Sleep Token shirt because I guess you can never have enough Sleep Token shirts. Get to spend all morning with Daughter. First day completely cymbalta free. I plan on being awfully nauseous, but I have some dramamine, so I should be okay.

@Scooter9
I on meds a LONG time for me too, but every time I stop some med for say, 6 monts or so, I end up with mania and often psychosis and the psych hospital so stopping meds seems to backfire on me, especially Cymbalta, Seroquel and trazodone. IDK if the other meds do anything or not. I am afraid to stop them because H is now fully on board with the pdoc (that took about 15 yrs).

@crazyHitch

What classes do you teach? Or are you taking classes? Sorry, I have trouble keeping everyone straight. A little confused with hypo right now I'm so sorry your having a rough time.

@raspberrytorte
Thank you SO much for toning your TMI down! I really appreciate it!

I am glad you are having fun with your daughter. Doing things as a family is SO important! Enjoy the summer. They go back to school so soon! My daughter sleeps so much (she's happy enough otherwise) and the rest of the time texting or on her iPad. We haven't done much as a family. She has her learner's permit and needs to test for her license but she needs a certain amount of supervised driving with an adult 21 or older. I get so anxious riding with her that H has to do it, and he barely has time. I feel bad about that

Now I know what you mean about having rest periods when hypomanic. In the past, my hypo wasn't this bad and didn't last this long because it right away became full mania and then psychosis. Now I'm getting not enough sleep consistently and H insists I take a rest period or two every day.

Oh, and I wanted to congratulate you on your weight loss. That is awesome!

I probably missed someone. My posts started on a new page, and it's hard to keep going back and forth for everyone.

@hallie

I am so sorry about the situation you are going through with your pawpaw. That is so hard. You are in my thoughts. Do you have a T you can talk to about it?
I'm still hypomanic. TRying to keep the length of this post down.

I only slept 3 hr. last night (broken sleep too). Then I got up and did couch to 10 K. Don't worry, it was only 8 one minute jogging intervals broken up by walking between and warmup and cool down walking. But then I walked some more. A total of 45 min. for 3.1 miles. Was airming for 3 miles but unless I want to go 6 times aroung my block, I had to take other streets. I ran in the street, not the sidewalk which is a little reckless but honestly, SO many people park blocking the sidewalks that is dangerous weaving around the vehicles. I have fallen on the sidewalk and skinned myself pretty good, broken 5 iphones, and broke my hips into microfractures (super SUPER painful). And right now there is a lot of vegetative debris blocking the sidewalks from Beryl that the city is still picking up.

It is now time for a shower. I am all sweaty. It is very muggy out. It never really cools down here at night the way it does in California, where H grew up.

Thank you @Blueberrybook, @Scooter9, and June08. I wouldn’t say I’m in a depressive episode, but the only people I’ve really talked to irl are my mom, case manager, and T (and even those two lately half our appointments are over the phone). I made a typo, haven’t had my dr appointment yet, it’s tomorrow. I wish I had someone to come with me and hug me as stupid as that is haha. I intended to get these bottles of soda (I’m collecting the bottles because they’re rad af), but they do not open for another half hour and I am extremely close to a liquor store that is open.

Idk if I updated you guys on this, but Bean ran away and Lu died of a stroke. Bean was never meant to be inside. He was my little wild boy stray we gave shelter to in -40F weather, and we kept him inside until he got fixed and healed, but he clearly hated it (and made it everyone’s problem too lol). At least he had fun mutilating rabbits while keeping me company.Lu was straight up old—20 years I think. Bo is still going(her brother), but he’s not looking too great these days either.

Just feeling really alone lately. I appreciate you guys a lot. I’m more of a talk in person person, but you guys have shown me even without a face, there is still love to be found.

edit: ayyooo, back w/ my soda and no ETOH!

Last night I took 2 dramamines and a melatonin around 11 and I was knocked out. I was so drowsy. I tried using the bathroom sometime around 1 and my bladder seemed paralyzed because I couldn't go and I was falling asleep. So I went back to bed and then I woke up at 3:45 and I felt weird and I realized I didn't take my meds at midnight like I normally do. I take them at midnight and noon. I took them and then got back to sleep until 6:30. I woke up to eat some jello and then went back to sleep until 7:55.

Last night and this morning I was coughing a lot in my sleep and then waking up to throw up. It went on long enough for my mom to ask if I was feeling ok. The doctor said theres no cancer or infection, just inflamation. I can feel the Priolsec start to work. So I do think things are getting better. I haven't thrown up in several hours and I've had a couple drinks from Sonic.

I went out to a couple grocery stores and the gas station today without any anxiety. I'm glad my anxiety and fatigue are improving.

Its almost noon and I haven't taken any valium yet and I've been to 3 stores without anxiety. So yeah thats good.

I keep coughing and my throat hurts and I'm a bit achy. I've been going out a ton more then I used to so I guess anything is possible.