Bipolar Check-in #80

Poor Daughter got braces yesterday and kept Husband up all night because she was in pain. I don't know if that much pain is normal. We gave her a tylenol but it didn't help. I mean, did they make them too tight? If she's still in that much pain today I'm calling. That can't be normal! I've never had braces before so I don't know.

@raspberrytorte

It is so great to see you again! I hope you are doing well. You don't know how much we all missed you!

I'm so sorry about your daughter. Two of my nieces got braces. and they always hurt when they are tightened. My sister says they go through a lot of ice cream now! And she is way into eating healthy as a family. She used to never buy ice cream but she does now!

I'm coming down from mania. I'm still a bit hypomanic I think.

I had "recovered" from my ED around 20 years ago with a few blips here and there though I have body dsymorphic disorder. I don't know if I'll ever be happy with my body image. Anyway, I have been hanging on to my huge collection of ED books since then and even bought more. They are all very triggering. Yesterday, I impulsively cleaned out nearly all my ED books and bagged them into tote bags (I didn't have any boxes. and I don't have any more tote bags I will have to deal with the rest of the ED books once I have my empty totes back.) I plan to either donate them to the library or try to sell them back to Half Price Books. Maybe I could net $50, $75 dollars at Half Price. I still don't have my car keys though However, today H is driving us to a library about 10 minutes away from Half Price Books because my daughter and I are getting passports at the library today. I hope I can persuade H to go to Half Price. I want to look at mystery books anyway, but I will try to do that at the Friends of the Library bookstore because at the library they sell books $1, $2 a piece which is much cheaper than Half Price Books. This is a much bigger library than our local branch and they have way more books in the library we're going to today.

This morning I did couch to 5 K though I like the couching on the couch to 10 K program I have better. It was around 25 min. with 6 intervals of 1 min. jogs and the rest walking. That was around 2.5 miles, but I walked 3 miles because I accidently took a street I didn't recognize (well, I recognized the street name but not where the street came out). I recognized all the cross-street names but they turned out to not get me home! Thank God there is a school near my house because when I finally started seeing the school warning signs I knew the way home.

I am not dizzy this morning from my meds, thank goodness. My pdoc told me yesterday to cut my oxycarbazepine (a med the neurologist prescribed) doses in half (2 doses of the oxycarbazine). I also took the morning meds when I got up at 5 AM and the oxycarb. at 8 AM. I took them separately because pdoc said oxycarb. reacts with lamotrigine, which I take first thing in the morning.

Sorry for a long post again. Still have pressured writing (obviously).

@Blueberrybook

I missed you guys too. 😊 My plan had been to just stay away for awhile, at least until I was done being so hypo and ridiculous, but I was like, "I have to know how everyone is doing!", so I needed to come back.

Was the lamictal making you dizzy initially? I remember when they first put me on that stuff. Night and Day. It was great! I hope it works out for you.

I love half price books. I did a book purge a while back and got like $80. It's good you're getting rid of your triggering books. Not good to have those laying around. Don't need them.

We should get some fruit popsicles for Daughter. 60 calories per popsicle. Good for my fat ***! (I really DO have a fat ***. You don't. Don't worry.)

I'm super tired today. And feeling a bit off physically. I just had diarrhea and also threw up. As one of my bosses said in 2016 "I had it coming out of both ends."

I think its just leftovers from the prep and the ulcers. I don't think I have anything new. They are asking people screening questions again for covid but I doubt I have covid.

Hopefully my doctor gets back to me today with the results.

I wasn't really nervous about November until yesterday. Idk if that could make things worse for my stomach.

I'm trying to figure out if I had one major trigger or smaller multiple triggers leading up to a trigger leading to this God awful state of mind. There's been a failed interview, finding out about the possibility of moving (shared independent living home) and filling out paperwork for that, getting to the end of The Goblet of Fire, seeing that dog die, having that "who can cuss louder" contest with my mom, needing to get a PCP and totally procrastinating, etc. etc.

I talked to my CM last night, and she just kept saying how great things are happening--which they are--but with BPD and being seemingly okay the day prior, your active pain and alternating desires to poke the bear or off yourself don't mean shyt to my team.

I had braces when I was a teen and it always hurt for several days after an adjustment. Tylenol might help a little bit it is a constant pain because pressure is being applied to the bone.

Offer your daughter soft foods for a couple of days and know that this will happen pretty much with almost every adjustment. I remember getting used to it but it took a while.

She might also get sores inside her mouth from the braces rubbing on the cheeks and inner lips. You can get wax from the dentist to cover up the offending brace to allow healing.

You're going through a lot @MuddyBoots.

Take things one at a time if you can. I know it's not the best situation but maybe try to disconnect yourself from whatever's happening to give yourself a break.

If you can avoid a conflict, then try to do that - you don't have to engage in every battle. It's better for you in the end.

I know it's easy to offer advice when I'm not in your situation. I feel for you. You've come a long way and are making progress even if it isn't every day.

@Scooter9 is it pathetic that I cried at "you don't have to engage in every battle." ? I think that was the first time someone has said something to that effect to me (seriously). It makes sense though. Some battles can be walked away from and some can be completely shut down. I know that, but it never seemed like a good option. I guess it can be. Now to figure out how to put that into practice

So, the power came back on by the time I got home, which is excellent. Thank God for a reliable power company. Getting up at 6:30am was quite a challenge - I didn't actually get out of the house till close to 8am, but at least my gym buddy was there to start our workout. It's been nice having an accountability buddy again. After the gym, I went to a local deli and gained back all the weight I might have lost with an egg, cheese and sausage on a roll with a hash brown, lol. Sometimes I laugh at the ridiculousness that I do. I was also so agitated when my boyfriend called me though, I kind of snapped at him a bit - don't know where all my discontentment is coming from.

So, I went to church. It was dark, it was empty, it was silent and it was SO peaceful. I cried and asked God to forgive me for being so angry all the time. I feel your pain @Blueberrybook - I think I have body dysmorphia too - except I am well over 200 pounds and hating everything about myself. God quietly spoke to me though, and told me to be kinder to myself, and kinder to my boyfriend, and remember how much I have overcome in the past three years.

Learning every day to be kinder and less mean to myself. No one can beat me up more than I can beat myself. It's almost its if I think I deserve it - and then it turns into bitterness and anger, and even more self-hate. Need to work on that more. The AA meeting was really good too, I talked about my anger and some of the work I need to continue to do. A nice lady also thanked me so much for calling and checking on her yesterday, and that made me feel good.

Just a quick reminder to everyone to do something nice for yourself today. I am going to treat myself to ice cream later after my probation appointment, because you all know how I feel about going there every month, lol.

No, not pathetic at all @MuddyBoots - it shows that you are learning and growing wiser.

It is hard to pick which battle to engage with but remember that engaging is a choice and you have the power to change that choice.

I have grown up kids and have had a lot of practice. I just learned by trial and error, and chose to not engage in the majority of the cases because they were not big issues. You have to feel out the situation. Figure out what you're feeling and determine what you want out of the battle. Ask yourself if what you want is feasible or even desirable. Is it important enough to argue over?

Take a breath and make a conscious choice and you'll start to see a difference. Sometimes doing nothing is a choice too.

So the doctor called me and said my mother is suffering from both heart and liver failure. He wouldn't tell me what the prognosis is - he just said they are testing and managing her symptoms.

I did some research and the result is not good. One or the other is manageable but both are a bad combination. I think I need to start thinking of what comes next.

Struggling at work. Hands are a bit shaky. Dealing with rough classes. Don't want to take Valium (equivelant). Saving it. I've applied for a Year 7 coordinator position which will mean I lose one of my (yuck) classes. Fingers crossed.

Granny is home from the hospital. Pawpaw is declining and slipping away. They increased his morphine dose. My asshat uncle is coming in to town to make all our lives hell this weekend. Ugh.

This is all too much. My Tummy is all upset. I’m worried about so many things. At least the bugs are gone and the radio stopped talking to me.

Oh and my husband is struggling and asked me to hide all our knives. So there that. I’ve removed all I can find in the apt and hidden them in my dresser.

Take extra good care of yourself @HALLIEBETH87. That's a lot you have going on, of course it feels overwhelming! Thinking of you and your family

I'm starting to wonder if something is in fact still off with my moods since I started having symptoms a week ago. My sleep has been weird-last night, I had one of these weird nightmare things that feel as real as I feel when I wake up from them. I've only ever had this happen since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder so wonder if they're related. Also, during parts of the last two days, my brain has been focused on tasks but flying in a way that normally only happens when something is off.

And, my frustrations are really coming out. My roommate just got back from being gone for about 6 weeks so went grocery shopping. When putting her food away, she asked me if food in a certain part of the fridge was hers to which my brain for some reason felt the need to answer by saying most of the food in the fridge is hers (which was true the entire time she was gone-she doesn't clean stuff out so I'm always living in her clutter throughout the entire unit). I think this made her cry because she has disappeared so that's fun. And, now I'm all paranoid about what she thinks about me/wondering if I completely destroyed her (she hurts easily) and part of my brain completely wants to spiral down negative thoughts about myself.

I also let out more frustrations to my mom when I talked with her Saturday.

Crap-maybe trying to use hormones to manage my moods actually just has me in a sneaky state of hypomania or some type of mixed state. I'm so over having bipolar disorder. All this in time to leave town in a couple of days, for several days, too...

Another divine day.

Daughter was still in pain, but I bought her some fruit popsicles to suck on and they helped and we went out for ice cream. Got a strawberry sundae with sprinkles. The sprinkles made me happy 😊. And Daughter and I spent the whole day together talking and I made her laugh and we looked at funny pictures online and had a serious discussion about what happened when Husband and I separated when she was four and then got back together and we had to live up north with Grandma and Grandpa.

Filled out my farewell card to my psychiatrist. My last appointment with him is tomorrow. Will. Not. Cry. 😭 😭 😭 😭 My therapist insisted on being there so someone could "be on board for my aftercare for my new psychiatrist in August." Whatever I guess. I'd rather she NOT be there, so I can sob my goodbye in private with Dr K, but I can't tell her, "I DON'T WANT YOU THERE!!!!!" can I?

So that's going to be my morning. Dr. K and Noelle. I'm giving him a copy of my book too. One of my last first editions. He likes to read, so I think he may actually read it. Figure it'll be a good token for him to remember me by. Not that he necessarily WANTS to remember me. I think I was a pain in the ***. Lol.

I got home from the horrible chicken mess yesterday. It was/is so good to be home. My own bed, my own cat, my mom next door, everything is where it belongs.


So here's my funny story:


I went to bed ridiculously early last night (6:30 but I didn't go to sleep then). I was just too tired to do anything.I remember rolling over to go to sleep about 11:15 and vaguely remember going to the bathroom about 11:30. Next I knew it was 2:30 and I woke up with a jerk while still sitting on the toilet. My legs were completely numb and my feet were starting to swell. I had to crawl back to my bedroom and haul myself up onto my bed with my arms. I can't believe I slept on the toilet for 3 hours! It sounds so funny but it just shows how exhausted I was.

Tonight I'm planning on sleeping in my bed.

I was pretty sick last night. I was throwing up so much. All I was eating was pretzel crisps and water. But at one point I had this big piece of pretzel lodged in my throat, and I could still breathe, but I couldn't get it out or swallow it. So I was hacking and coughing real loud and also throwing up water. It was so loud everyone in my house could hear me. I finally got it out.

I still feel a bit off now. Idk how they will fix this.

The liquid diet on Sunday was fine, but who can live off that.

Thank you for answering!