Bipolar Check-in #81

Feeling a bit better about work today. Had things put into perspective for me. Dealing with a difficult student who comes from a trauma background. Now I understand why he acted out the way he did.

My memory has become really bad - my pdoc says my depression is causing it. There are really big gaps in my memory and I have trouble even with short term memories like directions to drive someplace.

I'm thinking that since my memory is already in rough shape, it couldn't be much worse with ECT. Since Ketamine didn't work for me, I am now qualified for ECT if I want it. My prodc said I just need to tell her I want to proceed and I can get on the waitlist pretty quickly (so I wouldn't need a referral, assessment, or other clinical things that take time). I've been thinking about it for a while. I wonder what it would do for my anxiety - maybe I'll forget I have it so it wouldn't be a problem then lol!

Today was a day of driving my mother around. It's the same tomorrow. Klonopin helps the physical symptoms of my anxiety but my mind is still doing its thing. I wasn't as paranoid today as I was yesterday, but it increased when I got home.

It feels like the frigging tundra in my room. I'm under 2 blankets and I have the fan turned off. My mom has turned down the air twice. Its 80 degrees out. I have some music turned on that sounds like its German but its not. Idk whats wrong with me lately.

Good morning, going to the movie theater today to see Deadpool and Wolverine! I feel pretty good. Going to go get some food, before I head to the theater. This will be the first time I've been to the movie theater in over a year and the first time going by myself. Hopefully it's not busy. The movie is at 1pm and it's a weekday today so it shouldn't be. Just enjoying some coffee and music right now, before I get ready to go to the store for food.

Good morning

Well another bad night. I did get some sleep, but not much. I gave up at 4:30am. Went to bed at 12:30, around 3 I started tossing and turning. As Christina used to say, a fish flopping on the dock.

Nothing on tv but weird shows.

Yes, Houston is miserble in the summer and late spring and early fall. But I do like that the winters are mild and some years I can even wear shorts at Christmas. Last year, I don't think the low ever dropped to freezing. I remember I never had to break out my sweaters. Snow is such a big deal here it shuts down everything schools, businesses all but essentials. But that rarely happens.

I'm sorry about your sleep. Have you been in touch with your pdoc about it? I know for me, if my sleep goes, I quickly get manicky and that has led to psychosis too. I don't know if that's the pattern for you or not, but I have to be really careful about sleep.

@Scooter9
Benzos are bad for memory. When I was on clonazepam (which I took for 10+years), my memory was the pits. I weaned off it maybe 2 years ago though the weaning process took around 1 year. My memory & forgetfulness isn't great now, but it is TONS better off clonazepam. So that may be affecting your memory along with all the stressors in your life.

@Crazy Hitch
Sorry about your difficult student. Once I tried to teach junior high, and I lasted about 2 days. It was just WAY too stressful for me. I don't know how you do it.

@LadyShadow
I don't drive at night either b/c my sight is not that great. It's better than it was since I had cataract surgery. I used to be very nearsighted like -10 in contact lenses. But after the surgery, my sight was corrected to the point that I'm a little farsighted and I can even drive without my contacts in. Some days, I don't even bother to wear my contacts & I do just fine.

@June08
You are lucky the neurologist got you in so quickly. Whenever I have to see mine it's like a 3 month wait unless it was scheduled 6 months in advance or something. I hope you can get some help with your POTS. Does your POTS flare up with stress?

@MuddyBoots
When I can't get SI off my mind, it becomes an issue where I NEED a med change or hospitalization b/c I just don't trust myself any more. I couldn't stop thinking about SI this past spring and the pdoc suggested hospitalization but I begged him to try Cymbalta instead b/c it worked for me in the past. So he added Cymbalta to my meds, and thank God it starting working within the first week. Can you call your pdoc and see if something can be done? Are you on any meds now?



Thinking of everyone else, it's just a lot to post. I hope those of you having a hard time start feeling better

I did take my Seroquel last night and slept 8 hr Probably would have slept longer but my cat Pecan started jumping and walking all over me to get up to feed her. She never does that to H. She always wakes me up. I am SO glad I slept well; I feel calmer this morning, thank GOD!

I went for a walk this morning, left before sunrise again and really shouldn't do that, but ugh, I like to walk in the dark. I walked too far, I think. I haven't walked that particular route in a long time (over a year), and I forgot how long it takes to get home from the fartherest point of the walk.

I think today is going to be more depressed than mixed, thank God. Or at least that's how it seems. but we're good. Just a lot of feeling like shyt today

@Blueberrybook, am not on meds right now. I don't even know what med I would go back on if that were an option.

Blueberry

One or two nights bad sleep is ok, not great but I’m ok. My pdoc increased my ambien to 1.5 mg but I don’t want to get used to that then have to go back up to 2. I’m just months away from 66 and ambien is not recommended for seniors. But I have no side effects except that I sleep. It takes a week or so of little sleep before I start getting manic. Tonight I’ll be taking the full dose.

I hate driving at night too. I just can’t see that well, I do have cataracts but they aren’t to the stage I can get surgery yet. There’s an art class, micro glass pendant class. But that’s too small for me to work with. The instructions say to bring cheaters so you can work comfortably. That sounds like it’s too small for me.

Well I guess I’m up for the day. Thankfully my mind isn’t speedy but I’m a bit wound up.

Last night was rough and this morning wasn't that great either. I managed to take my cats to the vet. An hour and $542 later I'm back at home watching the olympics and trying to figure out what I should even tell my doctor if I call him. That I don't feel good and I'm cold? Ok yeah.

I had to get cat food today because Ariel was running low. She would Not understand if we ran out! She already walks all over me meowing and sometimes lays on top of me! If I’m up she leads me into the bedroom walking very quickly meowing like crazy if she hasn’t been fed- breakfast or dinner!

I had to put gas in my car today too. Normally I don’t ever let it get below half but it was at a quarter and I can see myself forgetting this fact and running out of gas!

I feel pretty good today. Not spending too much money but I haven’t looked at my cc balance in a few days! Plus I had a Frappuccino today which is going to add to my cc bill and to my Risperdal weight gain!

My ex/the kids’ dad put the individual songs and piano piece on a google drive! So no more sifting through the whole service! If you’d like to see and hear these files- it’s Noah and his dad- just pm me. I think they sound great! And Noah played the heck outta the Chopin piano piece in addition to them blending really well as their voice qualities are very similar!

@Moose72

I am the same way with gasing up the car. I am so afraid of running out of gas that I almost never let it get below half a tank. When H drives the car and returns it with a quarter tank, my first stop next time I drive the car is to gas it up. Heck, some days I don't even wait until I have an errand, I just go to the gas station, fill up & come back home, though when I do that early in the morning, I tend to make an out-of-the way stop at Starbucks I haven't been great about spending this past month either, but the past couple of days I haven't spent anything. And I did really well at decreasing my Starbucks runs; only had Starbucks once all July!

Today I've been really lazy. Been binge-watching Bosch on Amazon Prime. I've read a lot of the books in the series & am re-reading them now and plan to read the books I haven't read yet. I did read a little today, but for some reason, I've been glued to the TV. I haven't binge-watched a show in a LONG time, probably not since I binge-watched all of Criminal Minds on Hulu which was a year ago, or maybe 2 yrs. ago.

At least I'm more mellow today than I was yesterday, no more racing thoughts, which I really hate b/c one thought won't even finish before the next comes crashing in, and the next, and the next, etc.

Me too! I don’t like my tank to be less than 1/2 empty. Plus it’s not good for the car for the tank to go low. But especially in the winter I’m looking for warmish sunny days to fill it so even if it’s only 3/4 full I’m taking advantage of those days to fill it. Never know when we’ll be hit with a long cold spell. I rue the day when self serve became a thing. I loved being able to sit in a warm car and let the gas station person fill it up for me, and check the oil and washer fluid. As for Starbucks, we don’t have one here except inside the Mayo Clinic. Parking is horrible there, so nobody goes just for coffee. There’s other places but I just get my chai latte at the grocery stores and make them at home. All I need to do is add my soy milk. I’m pretty good at not spending money. But I was Christmas shopping earlier today. Didn’t buy anything yet, but I started looking.

I’ve been watching loony tunes on a me tv off shoot channel. I’m mostly on my iPad so something on tv that doesn’t take a lot of concentration is good. Plus they have a lot of the older cartoons, I love the art on them. They have Betty boop on now!

I just got back from the movie theater from seeing Deadpool and Wolverine. It was awesome! I loved it. Can’t wait till it comes out digitally so I can buy it and watch it again. It wasn’t as weird as I thought it’d be going to the movie theater by myself. It was a little anxiety inducing at first but it wasn’t crowded at all and I enjoyed it. I have plans to see the new beetlejuice in theater in October and the new Lord of the rings movie in theater in December 😀

There’s anew lord of the rings movie??? Yay!

@Blueberrybook, I didn't know Klonopin affects memory. Yeah, I guess you're right, there's a lot going on

Yup! The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim, comes out December 13th this year I’m excited to see it. Love the lord of the rings

I do too as does my daughter. I got the long edition of LOTR and sat though hours of extended takes and extras. Oh, so good. I read the books way back in the 70’s but I’m glad nobody else tried to do LOTR until Peter Jackson. He did it well. Who’s directing this one?

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. Other than that gonna do my household essentials shopping tomorrow. Doing it online so it’s less trips to the store. Friday I’m doing my grocery shopping. Sunday I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats. That’s what the rest of my week looks like basically. Also throw in exercising, cleaning, meal planning, laundry, and practicing violin and ukulele.

Tonight I’m just relaxing and watching the show The Boys, maybe reading some too. And listening to music. Playing with my two cats. Just a relaxing evening. Hoping to get better sleep tonight. I only got like 5 1/2 hours. I function better close to 9 or 10 hours. That sounds excessive but it’s just the amount of sleep I feel my best on, just the way my body is and taking into consideration my meds.

But I got everything I needed to get done today done so yay! I am in a good mood

Looks like the director is named Kenji Kamiyama, I’m not familiar with him but hopefully it’s good

I think it might be an animated film I’m not 100% sure though

I started Christmas shopping too yesterday, I thought I was crazy for starting to look this early, well not really shopping but making a list of ideas on Amazon or of things I plan on getting family and friends and my boyfriend. I think I picked out good stuff. Now I don’t have to worry about it again just have to buy the stuff in December.

I like starting shopping early for that reason plus by starting now I spread the spending out over a couple months. Yay to us for starting early!

Mocha hanging out in his chair

I like to start early too but as my nieces get older it is a lot harder to shop ahead for them because their interests change so much over time. My sister and BIL seem more challenging than they used to be too. I can shop for my mom though. I really should do that.

Blue_Bird, you are so good at keeping yourself busy. I really admire that.