Bipolar Check-in #82

Having a horrible panic attack

@Blue_Bird Picture us breathing in with you......hold.......let it out slowly...repeat. We're all with you (unless that scares you!)...you are not alone.

I was pretty crabby today. At one point my blood pressure got up to 159/99. I don't know what my problem was but I'm feeling ok now. I'm just

My anxiety and moods and stomach and all that are fine now. My blood pressure is 128/87. So pretty good. I just took a new type of Dramamaine and the playlist I'm listening to is called Sunny Day.

I'm finding myself second guessing what I said about feeling "normal" yesterday. When I went to bed last night, I felt disconnected from reality-a grounding exercised helped that go away. Today, I also realized I've been a little more full of myself (all my ideas and thoughts are great/right kind of thing and feeling like I can conquer the world) but nothing ridiculously over the top. I also realized it has taken me a long time to fall asleep for just under a week-I don't know why I didn't think to talk with my counselor about this. Oh well. It's hard to tell if I'm just overanalyzing everything or if these are minor mood shift symptoms. We'll see what happens. This is mainly in the evening-mornings, I have depression symptoms and during the day I've been feeling pretty good mental health wise.

I got ahold of the infusion center and scheduled a couple of appointments (first one is next weekend) I'm not sure how much it will cost but, hopefully, less than those fancy IV places. I was surprised to learn I'll be at the center for about 2 hours. The location I'm going to is open 7 days a week so that's nice.

My dog isn't doing well. It's hard not knowing whether it's a permanent change, or one from which she will recover.

I have a busy week next week and i'm worried i might not hold up. But i know the anticipatory anxiety is often worse than the reality, so i'm trying to stay calm. I've had such a relatively easy time of it recently, i should be able to stand some adversity. Who know, i've been struggling with boredom so often lately, i might even enjoy being busy... ?

I went in my support group's ZOOM social hour today and had a nice time. I find i enjoy myself a lot more when someone is not hogging the time and i get to participate.

I find i'm eating less the past few days. It seems that, for me, the best approach to food is to ignore it.

Jane I’m sorry your dog is not doing well. Hopefully it’s just a temporary issue.

Exhausted is not a strong enough word for what I am feeling. Just everything this week has been so overwhelming. My dad got hit in the eye and its real bad so he might need surgery - I am beside myself. Thinking of going to the doctor with him on the 18th, I might have to.

I realized tonight I have to write my book and tell my testimony. The years of struggling with bipolar and alcoholism to the life I am living today, 4 years clean and sober, and mostly stable on very little medication, sleeping sound. Surviving jail, then homelessness, rehab, hopelessness, to the life I have always prayed for. Going out to Selma tonight and joining that recovering community was just what I needed to get me going on my journey. I have never been more determined. Incredibly exhausted, but never more determined - even with the $27000 car that I am repaying - it's just another thing in life I just have to suck up and take care of.

Chapter one starts tomorrow morning! @Nammu - 3 years sounds so crazy for a convenient parking spot, YIKES! @Blue_Bird I hope you're feeling better, I am dying to see Beetlejuice myself - @raspberrytorte I hope you're coming a bit out of your depression - @Blueberrybook - girl when my period comes near I get mad really, really fast, like boiling mad for no reason - it's not just you, trust me, lol. @Rosi700 - keep pushing forward girl, God's got you!

@LadyShadow Thank you! Yes, God is holding me!

You are strong, LadyShadow! Never let go of hope because of the burden of paying for that car.

@Blue_Bird You are a strong and responsible "bird". I admired how you tried to get rid of your dissociating before you started cooking!

Hope your anxiety will not last long!

@Nammu I am impressed to hear that you are still bloodletting in your age!

I am OK. My only "struggles" of today are pain in shoulders and upper arms after the Gym yesterday!

But that will pass!

I feel pretty good today. The weather is a lot better then it was yesterday, and I'm not wearing heavy jeans so I just feel more light in general. I slept pretty good. I'm on a 7:30-5:30 schedule lately with a couple hours of being up.

I'm trying to watch how much soda I drink today and just watch other stuff in general. I don't have any plans for today. I'd check out Platos Closet if I felt like it. The other day a guy had his arms and basket full of Nike dunks. A reseller I'm guessing. Its always discouraging when you go into a resale store and theres resellers. Thats why theres pretty much nothing but sports team hoodies and not in good condtion polo T shirts at the Savers I go to. Thrifting has become so trendy.

I'm a Hollister rewards member so I just got a $10 pair of jeans with free shipping because of discounts, rewards, and the honors member thing.

@Nammu
That's awesome that you can give blood. I definitely cannot. I get queasy & faint even when they take blood vials for routine yearly tests at the PCP. In fact, I've even fainted when they have taken blood. It is a bit of an ordeal for me!

@Rosi700
Congrats on going to the gym yesterday. That is wonderful!

@Blue_Bird
I'm sorry you're having problems with dissociation. That happens to me too, and I hate it. It is especially bad when you're in the middle of things like cooking, driving, etc. where you really need to be present in the moment and cannot ground yourself at all.

I had a better night of sleep last night than the night before though I think I was dehydrated b/c I kept waking up to drink water and even had to refill my bedside water glass which is rare for me.

I'm less anxious today b/c my mechanic called yesterday and said he thinks he can get my car to pass emissions for the yearly state inspection, though if he can't I don't know what I'll do. I am bringing the car in Monday hopefully since H usually works from home on Mondays and can give me a ride home from the mechanic.

Thanks @BeyondtheRainbow , I managed to get to sleep last night by doing that. Plus my weighted blanket helped

Thank you @Rossi700 and I hope your shoulders and arms feel better, great job going to the gym!

@LadyShadow I hope your dad heals soon, and you've been through a lot your an inspiration!

@Nammu @Moose72 @HALLIEBETH87 hope you all got some good sleep last night!

@Mountaindewed: Platos Closet has really good stuff, I've been there once before. Hope you feel better!

@JaneOnceMore I hope your dog gets better! I'm sorry you've been feeling bored lately, I struggle with that a lot too

@June08 great job with the grounding exercise! They're really helpful for those types of feelings

@Blueberrybook glad you slept well and that awesome that you're feeling less anxious

Good morning threadies

I slept sooo good last night. I took one of my extras. I was out like a light without any extra tossing around and I slept all night. Bizarre dreams, something about needing to write a report. Take ing a break in a yellow toy pedal car. But woke up before figuring out what it was all about.

The day ahead, no plans. For today or tomorrow. Beautiful fall like weather but no place to go.

Hello friends. I slept good. I forced myself to go to sleep early last night cause sometimes that's the only way to deal with panic and dissociation for me. Just shut down and reset my brain by sleeping. Had a lot of dreams. Woke up with a headache but took some ibuprofen and it went away.

Feel pretty decent today so far. Not much going on this weekend. Taking it easy. Will practice violin because I have a lesson coming up on Monday afternoon.

Gonna read a lot today. Not sure what else. Probably watch some shows/movie and play a game. I colored in my mindfulness coloring book today which was nice. I like coloring. I started doing it when I was a teenager inpatient in psych units. That was mostly what there was to do. I didn't get the point of it back then but I did it a lot and I realized later how relaxing and mindful it was to color. So now I color a lot and have a bunch of adult coloring books. I like coloring while listening a podcast, audiobook, music or YouTube video in the background on my headphones. Nice relaxing activity.

Right now on violin I'm learning the theme song to the show Game of Thrones.

That’s so cool, learning the game of thrones theme song! Oh, how cool is that! I color on my phone. It’s so relaxing.

Have a good day

Slept till 4 off and on- pm! Stupid thing to do. Hopefully the Vraylar helps me sleep later.

My right hand has been shaking. Damn it!

Slept about 4 hours last night, then laid in bed for a long time. I am still losing weight despite eating everything in sight. I looked up hyperthyroidism after someone mentioned it and Jesus, I have almost every symptom, like skin feeling hot, heart beating so fast it feels like it’s gonna jump out of my chest, skin getting hot despite no fever, anxiety anxiety. I have an appt with a new PCP this Friday for a physical so I will know if thyroid level is high then. I just wish I could really calm down… My psychiatrist put me on Lithium 300 bid which he said is a sub therapeutic dose, also on Klonopin .5 bid. Wish this would stop. Have not been calm in so long I that it seems like a fantasy. It good to be able to write about this.