Bipolar Check-in #82

@Mountaindewed

Maybe just a little bit.

@Mountaindewed:

Yes, i do find her questions odd, but if she's insensitive enough to wear overpowering perfume, she probably doesn't have the best judgement all-around.

The first question sounded like she was giving you your HIPAA privacy. The 2nd question sounded like she was screening for domestic violence. But it always sounds like from here that you and your mom have a good relationship, and maybe the nurse wasnt vibing with that.

Still having my period. Got together with my sister and N1 and N2 and my mom and her husband. My sister leaves tomorrow.

Fu John.... Making my child go in the closet for 6+ more years. Your a horrible therapist I wish I knew. You would have been fired.

I'm slipping, I have therapy tomorrow and don't want to tell her. H is taking down the fire alarm in our room tomorrow because it feels like it's recording us. My head's loud, I'm confused, worried about catching something if I eat. But I recognize it. I don't want to tell t or pdoc. Found out we have the kid for at least 2 more weeks. Which means all his books will be in. He may learn to read in that time. I don't want to change my meds because what if it's worse! But I thought about blood letting today.

im struggling yall. so bad.

idk if im depressed or manic or mixed like t thinks. i jump back and forth all day. t says im better than i was in august when i was manic as hell. now im starting to have high anxiety and feeling stressed by any littel thing liek dishes o r what to eat or drink. why is the moon so bright? why am i exhausted all day then cant sleep well? i have so much to do and no time or energy to do it even typing this is hard. my eyes hurt. i wanna cry but i wanna go party ( im not a party person). i wanna hide all day. i dont wanna be alone except for when i do. i wanna talk to t and tell him the things im seeing but i dont want him to know. im a walking contradiction.

:
"I tell the truth 'cept when I lie-it only hurts me when i cry"

I've fallen back into the trap of spending an unhealthy amount of time on my phone. This evening, even though I have laundry to put away and need to figure out how to use the protection plan I bought to get refunded for my concert tickets, I spent hours on my phone instead of doing either of these things. I was thinking I'd be okay with counseling once a month, and am really enjoying going only once a month, but I might need to consider every two weeks for a bit longer since I jumped pretty quickly from weekly to monthly.

One positive thing I found the courage to do is start the application process to volunteer at a nearby hospital. It's quite the process, and a bit of a commitment. They ask that you can volunteer at least one 4 hour shift/week for at least 6 months. This makes me nervous because of my POTs, but I have to stop letting fear of symptoms (mental health and physical health) stop me from living my life. I am only available on weekends (because of work) so it might not work out anyways.

So I went and got my nails done. I figured out what’s so weird. It’s the fact that I don’t have my 5 year old son with me he’s been at school all day. I’m not used to being home totally alone … he’s always with me. Next 2 weeks are school holidays and I’ll have him with me pretty much for the 2 weeks except when Ive organised care for him when I see my new psychologist.

I didn't sleep much last night. I haven't eaten much either since Tuesday. I don't feel depressed.

I'm having intrusive negative thoughts this morning

Got my schedule from my new job yesterday for the whole month of October. I hope they continue to do it like that, it makes it easier for me to plan things. Have to work on a few odds and ends this morning - I realized I needed some kind of better calendar app; I am just writing everything down and overwhelming my Google calendar.

Things are really good at the store - body butter making classes are getting a lot of interest and my boss is getting thoughts for Christmas. Been a long time since I worked in retail during a holiday season, yikes! I am doing good otherwise - really focused.

Have to work on my anger issues though - you guys ever experience just severe frustration and anger when you lose something? I have been misplacing and losing things lately and it's just been sparking intense anger - but I know it's because I have just been so exhausted lately overall. Hugs @Blueberrybook - I hope the day turns out better for you.

Got an email from the apartment complex. Water main break that’s affecting our whole complex. This means I can only flush the toilet once. I’m at Panera at the moment but gonna ask my mom if I can come over till they get it fixed.

The lab has received my sample for DNA testing! That was quick! They will send the results to my psych nurse practitioner.

Still having intrusive thoughts...ugh

I took a rest day from exercise which probably isn't helping the intrusive thoughts.

I saw the pdoc today. No med changes, come back in 6 weeks. I had bad driving anxiety there & back though I really wish I did not get so anxious driving, I didn't used to be this way. I have a tension headache now.

My lips keep pursing and my tongue is moving around my mouth. It’s very mild but noticeable. I texted my case manager but no reply yet.

moose, that happens with me on Seroquel, my tongue constantly moving in my mouth and mild lip twitches. Thankfully, it has never gotten worse. I've been on Seroquel mostly on for 15 years, but thankfully, the movements have stopped whenever I go off Seroquel, so in my case they don't seem to be permanent. I hope they don't get worse for you.

What I don’t want is a repeat of California where my arms and hands were useless! I couldn’t type, use a glass and then my torso got involved and it was basically like Parkinsons. I also got stiff muscles where I couldn’t move. My case manager still hasn’t gotten back to me! Ugh. This was when I was on Invega back in June.

I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and dissociated the entire time I was on it.

I’m doing okay I guess besides the dissociation and anxiety. I’m going to the food pantry tomorrow, since I’m out of everything besides noodles and oatmeal and I already used up my Foodstamps this month.

I got back to sleep for another few hours until almost 8. Then I woke up feeling totally fine. I was smelling normally and nothing weird was in my nose. I got an email from my therapist an hour before I woke up asking if I was ok to do in person and she just wanted to do what was best for me. Then I got a second email saying she actually needed to switch to telehealth because she was really sick. Then I got a 3rd email saying she was cancelling altogether and asking me if we could meet virtually tommorow. I really did want to see her but I understood. Then the receptionist called and set up the appointment and that did irk me a bit because we have always done everything together. But I'm guessing my therapist was at the doctors or something and the receptionist had to take over because I did get an email from my T confirmining our appointment and apologizing for today. I mean, I was sick too this week and had to reschedule.

Anyways I went to Starbucks and got a non dairy oatmilk apple iced macchiato. Those are fine on my stomach. That and ghoul aid Kool Aid. Now I don't have any plans but I do feel better physically from yesterday and theres no depression either.

Sorry about your therapy appointment getting rescheduled

The oatmilk apple iced macchiato sounds amazing!

@Blueberrybook

I have driving anxiety too and never used to be that way. Mine's to the point where my husband has to drive me to doctor's appointments, pharmacy, etc., since the only places I can drive without completely freaking out are the store and gas stations, all close by. It makes me feel like a shytty mom because I can't even drive my daughter and I to the movie theater! Husband has to give us a ride! I feel awfully pathetic. I also can't drive at night because my eyesight is so bad. Anyway, so you're not alone! I hope your intrusive thoughts go away. 🫂 ❤️

Your caramel macchiato looked so good I decided to try a macchiato. I wish I had a bakery like that near me.

Did you enjoy yours? I have enough left on my gift card to get one more large caramel macchiato whenever I feel like so I’m gonna go again maybe this weekend

I
Bought caramel
Apple macchiato k cups at Kroger yesterday and omg soooo
Goood!!

Finally talked with case manager. She said the B6 vitamin - 1/2 every other day- should take care of the mouth movements!

Just changed like 5 passwords including my banking app and totally deleted my starbucks account because when I opened my sb app it said something about there’s been a data breech on starbucks account and I should change my password. Figuring this was a scam I just deleted my whole sb account! Then I changed a bunch of passwords on various sites including my banking one. I just totally freaked out! I hope everything is ok. My phone opens the banking app with face recognition anyway but I felt I needed to actually change the password.