Bipolar Check-in #82

I have a bad habit of pulling all nighters because I convince myself I can get more done that way without sleeping

Thanks guys. She has an appointment in yet another city. I have to drive 30 minutes to pick her up then 50 minutes to take her to the closes same day clinic that has an opening. They are all Mayo Clinic but the ones in the two closets towns are full. Must be something going around?

Blue bird 🐦 I used to do that too. It was a complex logic that I used to justify skipping my night meds to stay up. It never worked out well, but I did it for years before I wised up. So I understand.

Yes @Blue_Bird - like @Nammu said I did the same thing too for a long time - sometimes I still do if I stay up WAY too late, I skip my meds because I think I can push through but it never works out.

Guys I just feel so mad and defeated -

I feel good today. I got these new $10 pillows a couple weeks ago and I've been sleeping good since.

I started my new shots today. I was kinda nervous but my mom was all like "I'll walk you through it." I didn't even feel the needle go in. It was so thin and I'm flabby lol. When I was pushing the needle in furthur I stilll didn't feel anything. My mom said I took it out at an angle but that it was ok. It was easier then the autoinjectors. I can't even tell now where the needle was.

I don't really have any plans for today. I'm waiting on some protein powder and I'm going to watch the thing tonight.

I’m too tired to respond to everyone individually in detail but hugs to everyone

And yes I definitely need to stop this skipping my meds and staying up all night. It’s way too common of an occurrence for me. Happens once or twice a week every single week for years

I think when I was working part time it really threw me off and I just started sacrificing sleep cause retail hours were so bizarre and varying and unpredictable. Back to back shifts sometimes. No routine schedule. So I started pulling all nighters to have more time to myself because I felt exhausted from work and like I had no time to myself. And it eventually became a bad habit that I still do even though I no longer work.

Especially any time I have something going on that I have to do the next day like an appointment or something important and it’s early, I just think to myself well might as well not sleep then so I don’t oversleep, one night isn’t so bad I think to myself. But it is always so bad and I always regret it and feel like garbage and I keep doing it over and over again. I haven’t had a week a full week in like a year where I haven’t gone atleast 36 hours without sleep at least once during the week. I never seem to get out of the logic where I convince myself “ stay up for 38 hours and get even more done, have fun, do stuff, be ultra productive!” It’s always so tempting. What a weird habit to have.

Thank you for your prayers! And yes, I think that the best to do is to count one's blessings. Life becomes too hard otherwise.

I hope that you soon get the sleep you need!

I have turned the "coin". After I wrote here in despair, I have been to a restaurant for dinner and bought my groceries. For now, I am resting at home with a cup of coffee and some cakes.After that, I will put the dishwasher to work and start to do my studies for today


Sometimes it is so easy to break a pattern. I think that often patterns become patterns because we let them. I know that some here use CBT and using that helped me.


1) Urge, benzo - take benzo - urge is away.
2)Urge, benzo - do something else - urge is away.


So easy and so difficult I use the STOPP app
STOPP app - Apps on Google Play

You can get it on Apple as well!

@LadyShadow
I'm so sorry for your bad day yesterday. It's wonderful you were able to turn things around and put it in God's hands. I don't attend church that often, and I have to work hard at putting the negatives life throws at you in positives and to give up my worries to the Lord. It's always a work in progress.

I'm having a much better day today. I talked to both my youngest sister and my mom on the phone, and I haven't talked to them in FOREVER. My 2 sisters are my best friends, so it's always nice to touch base with them, and things with my mom went well (on occasion, they will not).

My reading has been fantastic today, very good focus and internal imagery, the way I really, really love reading to be.

Edited:
OMG, I'm feeling such RELIEF right now. There was a knock on the door, and it was my mechanic, bringing my car back (brought it in yesterday), and he got it to pass emissions to renew the registration inspection sticker which had been causing me extreme anxiety lately. I went online and finished forking over my $75 to finish the renewal online, and everything went through just fine. Thank God!

Laying here feeling like a zombie waiting till it’s time to take my night meds so I can sleep. The annoying thing is even though I haven’t slept in well over 32 hours I can’t take a nap because my body for some reason refuses to let me despite how exhausted I am. Something about it being daytime, I can never really sleep in the day unless it’s a nap very early in the morning. It’s 3:30pm now so I just have to wait till I can take my night meds around 7pm. Then wait a couple hours for them to kick in. This day is dragging by painfully slowly. I looked at one of my posts from exactly a month ago when I had my last apartment inspection and I did the exact same thing. Stayed up all night before it because they stress me out. So this is a pattern that has to stop. I have to prioritize sleep above all else. My goal is to make it an entire month with no nights where I skip sleep.

Speaking of which on Thursday and Friday I have two early morning appointments. I might have to reschedule them because I don’t think I can rest well before them and get up on time. I’m gonna have to start making my appointments for a little later in the day so I can sleep without being anxious the night before and that causing me to decide to pull an all nighter.

I rescheduled my psychiatrist appointment to get an afternoon appointment. The soonest they had available to reschedule my September 13th appointment was October 15th so I took that. It’s not a big deal though because I’m stable and he will refill my meds in the meantime. Also requested a reschedule of my therapy appointment so waiting on her to get back to me with a new date and time. So my schedules clear for the rest of the week. I can sleep in everyday. The only thing I have going on is my volunteer job on Thursday but that’s from 6pm to 8pm.

My daughter had an online appointment but they told her she needed to be seen in person. So this morning she called. Nother in her town, nothing in my town but there was an appointment north of here. Ugh, that meant driving on the interstate with all the semis. Couldn’t believe the traffic for a non-rush hour time and middle of the week. Got there and they wanted her to go to ER. She’s had a bad headache and blurred vision. Her fever went down, with Tylenol it’s only 100. But her husband comes home tonight and if her headache is still bad despite the shot they gave her and the meds she might go tonight. She can’t sleep either. Man the healthcare is so broken in America

Been having lip puckering and tongue movements all day. Ingrezza should be preventing this! Case manager just said to call if it gets worse or spreads to other parts of my body.

@Moose72
Sorry about the lip puckering/tongue movements thing. I hope it doesn't get worse for you. I have tongue movements and mouth twitches on Seroquel, but luckily for me that's as bad as it's gotten, but yeah, the tongue movements I have are pretty much constant, the twitches every 20-30 sec, but I've taken Seroquel for most of the past 10-15 yrs, I don't really pay much attention to it now. The mouth twitches are minor, so that if you're not really looking for it you might not notice. There have been periods I've been off Seroquel, and the tongue & mouth movements have gone away. I don't really love it but since Seroquel seems to work best for my manic symptoms (and not to mention sleep), I put up with it. At this point, I'm so used to it, I don't notice it most of the time.

I hope things keep manageable/tolerable for you. Has the Vraylar helped your hypomania any?

@Nammu
Your poor daughter! I hope the medication she got today helps her and that she doesn't have to go to the ER. Is she still having problems with the insurance?

Yep. They won’t accept her submissions of her birth certificate and marriage license without a code, no information on where she’s supposed to get this code! I say she should sue them.

Vraylar has not helped. I bought two pair of jeans from the Salvation Army today as my old jeans are all too small. I also got Tim Hortons this morning.

I’m afraid this is the start of TD and it will be like it was in California back in June.

I've developed a low grade fever of 99.3 and my stomach hurts like a *****. I also have a headache and muscle aches and fatigue. No sore throat or loss of taste or smell or cough. So covid was negative. I do have some post nasal drip. I messaged my GI just to make sure I don't have to worry about sepsis or something from the stomach pain. I know I've had the cyst issues too. But idk. I just cleared a buch of mucus out of my throat.

I took Tylenol PM instead of my melatonin and it helped my physical stuff and anxiety too. Its just Tylenol and the stuff used in antihistamines. Mainly Benadryl. So it wasn't a big deal.

My one close neighbor and i took my dog in for her monthly nail trim and it went smoothly. I was really pleased as last time it was a nightmare. I took her to a new place and i think i'm gonna stick with it. The groomer was really pleasant, positive, and professional.

Spending time in nature is supposed to be good for increasing happiness so i took my dog out for 90 minutes today and really tried to focus on the experience. I enjoyed it.

But here at home i've had trouble with boredom. It's really frustrating. My dog is driving me crazy because she won't go potty. I take her out but she doesn't do anything. I'm full of aches and pains from all the extra activity.

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected!

Jane, is your old doggy drinking enough? I know for people when they get old they don’t drink enough.

Had a phone call from the workers comp company. She was asking me a few questions about my difficult class. I found it difficult reliving the trauma.

She said she'll email me the outcome.

Please pray my case gets accepted.

Ive been testy according to my psychologist. he says im not acting like myself. ugh. why now? he says im definetely still manic. i see new pdoc oct 4. so far the decrease in celexa hasnt helped at all. usually without a low dose i get depressed like suicidal depressed. not this time. im still mad at my husband trying to be controlling with me. then my psy d says oh well with the way you are behaving i suspect its valid he aksed if youre taking your meds lately. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dont **** with me when im like this people. i will go the **** off like i did the other night with Ben. psy d says i need to be taking my klonopin. it jsut mkaes me so tired. ill try it tomorrow

I don't want to throw in the towel yet. I'm letting my studies slip. As I'm overwhelmed and my head is chaotic. I can't even focus on the dog and the kid right. I just saw pdoc yesterday. I feel ashamed at how unwell I'm doing. This has to work out. I can't give up.

I am beginning to think I am just not to have things go easily right now. Last week the temp therapist who hasn't been so good was on vacation and I didn't get scheduled for this week. Which turns out to be fine because I have either COVID or influenza and would not be going to a session anyway since I have no voice and am contagious. So when I see her next week it will be 3 weeks since I saw anyone and I doubt she'll help much since she hasn't up to now.

My pdoc promised to be there for me and said she'd be here the whole time I was going through this no real therapist time. Then I found out she was on vacation for 2 weeks (really 2.5 weeks). She gets back next Wednesday and I was supposed to see her Friday. Then today I got a call that she has a meeting that day and her secretary can't re-schedule me but when she's back the secretary will see if she has any openings (she has some slots she guards carefully so we'll see if one opens for me or if she just has me wait until October. In 21 years of seeing her she's cancelled about 3 times and 2 of those were because she had surgery. Too bad this time fell when it did.

My real therapist will be back in 3 weeks. I'm beginning to think that's going to be the next time someone actually supports me. I mean my mom does but not the same. And none of it helps that I'm going stir crazy. I'm exhausted from whatever I have but I can't sleep. I read COVID can cause insomnia. I'm just going to pile on the PRNs. I really need to sleep. I'm achy and that isn't helping. I'm taking Advil and tylenol alternating every 2 hours but I'm still achy and feverish. Yuck.

I'm sorry for complaining. This is just a crappy week. I miss my therapist and now I miss my pdoc. And while I'm trying to be humorous about it I do feel someone abandoned.


2 weeks and 6 days...

@JaneOnceMore Could your dog have a UTI? That can make them feel like they have to go over and over and then nothing happens.

Might be a good idea to have a vet look at her, especially since she's older.