Bipolar Check-in #82

I have to go into work this morning to fetch my laptop. Really hoping no one sees me. I will have lesson plans to put up next term so I need it. I’ll go at 7:30 when only the daily organiser is there so no one sees me ….

I'm so disappointed! I saw B today at a picnic and she barely paid any attention to me. I guess yesterday was just an anomaly. Maybe groups are not my thing. I seem to have a good time only one-on-one. But how do you arrange that? I don't want to date.

B was texting with a guy, then he showed up and they were very cozy. Yesterday she told me she had trouble staying in touch with people. Well, she obviously didn't have any trouble staying in touch with him.

Maybe it's for the best. I woke up super early, before dawn, and dressed in a wildly colored African dress. These are both behaviors i have when hypomanic. I felt worried that my mood was escalating but since B ignored me i've been down in the dumps as usual.

Yeah I did like it. It worked out for me better then other stuff

Well I snuck into work at 7:30, grabbed my laptop and left. Pretty sure no one saw me ….

Was supposed to work today, but I didn't. Instead, I went out and spent a bunch of money which I know I don't have because rent and car insurance is due next week. Just transferred some money out of savings, but wow, things are bad. I bought a lot of cute work outfits from a nice department store, and even found slacks short enough for me so I don't have to hem them, (really lucky there). I haven't been clothes shopping in SOO long, almost forgot what it's like to treat myself to things. Oh, and then went and spend a bunch of money on food that's totally not good for me at Walmart, lol, but whatever, such is life!

Things are going really good. Have a real jam packed next three days planned for the weekend, chairing my AA meeting tomorrow, my friend is coming to pick me up to go to the big Recovery Alive event they do in Selma at night, early morning yard sale for the needy in Smithfield on Saturday, then off to a women's meeting with my friend in Wilson, then headed home to get picked up by my other friend to head into Raleigh and meet another friend to watch Beetlejuice and have dinner. Then of course, Sunday morning church and then the day with my parents. Dad is having surgery on his left eye after a saw pitched some metal directly below his eye that he had cataracts surgery on a few years ago. OUCH! So, I will have to rearrange some of the things I got going on next week to drive him to Raleigh for the surgery.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend; you guys have always been the best community I have ever been a part of. Thank you so much.

N2 helped me delete my starbucks account. Waiting for a confirmation email that it’s truly deleted. I feel better since she helped me and did it on her side of the phone call. I deleted my credit card from the app and deleted the app off my phone. That starbucks account was linked to my high limit credit card that I gave my mom so I couldn’t use it. It’s just too easy to hit “reload” on the app! Oh! And I logged into my sb account again and that reactivated it! Can’t do that! Whew!

im panicking. too much going on inmy head

I'm really struggling to be motivated to do anything. It's so tempting not to go to work tomorrow as a mental health day but there is a whole grade family activity and after school professional development so it wouldn't make sense for me to miss these things. They do the family activity every year-I'm not a huge fan of how they run it but, as a teacher of that grade, am required to help with it. If I called in, I'd be leaving a coworker hanging since we both work together to run a couple of activities.

We had a pretty intense start to the day at work because of some behavior stuff that has happened recently. What happened seems to be at least partly influenced by social media.

We apparently have another family resemblance in the long term science project; early this week, an experiment looked like a kids grandpa. Today, a kid is making fun of their brother by saying the project looks like him. Kids are funny.

I'm trying Coke's new Zero Sugar Oreo flavor. It's interesting; definitely has an Oreo flavoring to it and is very sweet.

I am kinda getting these strange feelings for my therapist. Like I kinda think shes smoking right now. I know I started my new med 2 weeks ago but I thought it was the same stuff just not the auto injector. Now I'm dropping weight like crazy and feeling things for my therapist. Wtf.

@raspberrytorte and @Blueberrybook I also developed driving anxiety a number of months ago.

I had to drive through really busy areas, construction, lots of left turns, etc.

I found routes that were not efficient but are easier to drive (for example, I took an alternate that avoided the construction but it was through a residential area so it was slower and longer).

I found a couple of ways to avoid a couple of difficult left turns and that helped a lot.

I also drove just 1 or 2 days a week at first until I felt more comfortable and anxiety was lower.

Now I'm up to diving 4 days a week.

Be patient with yourself and try to drive a little at a time, it makes a difference.

I'm not feeling good, I'm totally in a mixed episode.

On the one hand, I'm just not interested and nothing seems to stick.

On the other hand, I'm scrolling through Reddit reading posts and comments. That's all I'm doing.

I have things to do but I'm just not getting the push to do them.

I’m feeling anxious. Day 2 of my 1 month break.

School is officially on holiday for 2 weeks.

I haven’t told my partner I’m off work for so long. I don’t know how he’ll take it. He undermines my mental health “they’re just kids get over it” kind of attitude.

Think we might be going to visit his dad in hospital tomorrow. He wants to see him as often as possible before he passes away. He’s 83 years old and not holding up.

Managed to book an initial consultation with my son’s new OT mid October. With everything else going on I’m ashamed to say I don’t feel like it. It’s a 2 hour meeting at my HOUSE. It’s a mess and I will be the one left to clean up everything. We don’t like having people here hence it currently looks like a dump. Heaven save me.

I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me.

Everything seems cold and empty and my brain is mush.

Yesterday my husband commented, "You've really been a lot quieter lately than usual. A lot on your mind?"

The truth is I have nothing on my mind.

My mind is a complete blank.

I'm lethargic, lacking energy, unmotivated, just want to sleep all day, haven't really been doing anything (besides vacuuming and cleaning the apartment... making myself do those things because of our flea situation), lacking pleasure in things that used to delight me, and not really looking forward to anything, even if our daughter's birthday is coming up and a week later our KMFDM show in Milwaukee. I want to cry, but I'm too numb to cry. I feel like a loser who contributes nothing. I'm gaining weight and I don't know why because I haven't changed my diet.

I'm just fcked right now.

Good morning, I’m standing in line at the food pantry right now.

Feel pretty good. Looking forward to getting food

Right now, I have bad hiccups, lol. I can't get it to stop! Anyway, @raspberrytorte - I feel for you. I know how it feels to want to do nothing and sleep all day. The weight gain thing for me is SO bad, even with all the med changes the scale is just not moving - so trust me girl, I know your struggle! Praying for better days ahead for you and a resolution to the whole flea situation.

Going to get really dressed up today. It looks beautiful outside right now. Slept okay but went to bed kind of late. Looking forward to what today brings - I am going to talk about the importance of the Serenity prayer as a topic when I chair my homegroup meeting today; curious about what everyone has to say.

@raspberrytorte
I'm so sorry you are struggling with depression. At least you are able to get some cleaning done. I struggle with cleaning even when I'm stable.

It sounds like I'm not the only one dealing with driving anxiety, in some ways it's good to know I'm not alone, but I really feel for those of you in similar situations. raspberry, I feel like a SHYT mother too because I cannot drive my daughter to events her school has out of town or even to do fun things in Houston or Galveston, neither of which is that far away from where we live. I'm struggling to even drive to my sister's house, which I used to do okay even though it's 45 min from my house, but most of the drive isn't that bad, just the end, she lives near a mall and the traffic around there is a nightmare. Ugh, I used to even drive to that mall, but I don't any more. It's hard to believe that in my 20s, I actually liked driving!

I'm still boringly stable, sleeping well, exercised, showered, had breakfast, started laundry. At least, the intrusive thoughts haven't started today, and I hope they stay away. I have to wake my daughter up soon for school, but the rascal stays up SOO late, she is extremely hard to wake. I'm going to the library with my daughter this afternoon, she's driving again which does shoot my anxiety sky high.

Food pantry trip went well!

I got chicken breasts, yogurt, butter, cheese, Starbucks instant coffee, eggs, peanut butter, jam, potatoes, onions, apples, apple cider donuts, pasta, pasta sauce, canned vegetables, crackers, cookies, juice, raisins, focaccia bread, bagels,flour, this PF changs frozen sweet and sour chicken meal, and two cans of wet cat food for my cats 🙂 and a coupon for a free half gallon of milk from a store near here 🙂 Plus this giant cookie cake thing with icing on it! Pictured below are the cookie thing, the juice and the sweet and sour chicken so nice to have food

T says i sound like ims till in a mixed epsiode. ugh. i wish i saw pdoc sooner. i feel lke im goign crazy

Oh, thank God. My vehicle registration renewal sticker came in the mail. It was a bear to get my 20 year old car to pass emissions, and I was incredibly anxious about it. Now I'm good for another year. I even got the sticker on the windshield relatively straight this year

I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm not dissociating. My brain just needs a sleep reset sometimes. Sometimes that's the only thing that will stop it/fix it if it's really bad, just going to bed and I generally wake up feeling better.

So yeah I plan on getting on the treadmill later, and practicing violin. Other than that I'm just gonna play some of my videogame. That's about it for today. Might watch a few episodes of Supernatural too. Then read for an hour or so before bed.

Despite dissociating for 95% of the day yesterday I still somehow managed to have a decent day.. I think I was doing everything I could think of to distract myself. It worked, in that I didn't have a full blown panic attack. I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes, practiced violin, colored in my mindfulness coloring book, meditated, read a ton, watched the movie Hocus Pocus 2 , watched an episode of Supernatural, showered, journaled. So I can't say it was a totally bad day. Everything kept me distracted enough till I could go to bed. Then I woke up feeling a lot better today

I'm paranoid something bad is going to happen to my husband. 😞 This morning I told him he should tell his mom the combination to the med box, just so someone else knows it, and now I fear I've jinxed something, like I've conjured up negative energy. I don't want him to go to work tonight. What if he decides he's sick of me and doesn't come home? What if he DIES?! He's a kitchen manager at a bar/grille. What if some drunk hits him on his way home and it's all my fault, just because I said he should tell his mom the combination of the med box?

I was all paranoid before and kept on asking him if he was going to be okay and finally he said, "Are YOU okay?" I told him I wasn't.

Our daughter is on a school field trip today. What if something awful happens to HER?! And it's all my fault.

I don't deserve to have such loving people in my life. What if they both leave? What would I do?

I'm seriously paranoid something bad is going to happen to my husband. I've conjured up negative energy somehow. I AM the negative energy.

The Zofran was causing real bad constipation and some anxiety so I finally went and got 2 types of Dramamine at 9. I made my therapy appointment ok but after that I was knocked out for several hours.

The good thing is my stomach feels pretty much normal now and my anxiety is good too. I just couldn't function today because of the fatigue.

Maybe I just need dramamine instead of Reglan though.

I'm a depressed fool.

My wife asked me earlier today, when I got back from the gym, to clean the stove. I foolishly thought I could clean it wherever I had the time.

Boy was I wrong! In the back of my mind, I was saying to myself "clean it right now" but I'm a fool and went about my day.

I paid for my foolish ways this evening, and this time I cleaned the stove right away.

To heck with depression and all that mental health stuff, apparently I'm just lazy.

I think you need to have a conversation with your partner about your mental health and your struggles.

I had to, and so still need to, have the conversation with my family. They, too, just try to explain it away and give advice like go for a walk, drink water, go to the gym. But I patiently tell them about how I feel and already do those things, along with meds and therapy. It's an ongoing conversation that I wish they would finally get, but they don't so I have to remind them.

I didn’t wake up until 2 pm today! Was at Panera yesterday at 7:15 a.m.! Crazy schedule. Brushed the cat. Haven’t done that enough. She had a mat on her back that was pretty tough. Luckily, she likes being groomed. Doing my laundry before it gets busy on the weekend. The lab got my DNA samples yesterday. It will take 2 weeks to analyze the results and get them to my psych n.p. Think my td is spreading! Hands shaking a bit. Damn it! It’s not bad. I have had shaky hands for years though so maybe there’s nothing to worry about. Come on B6 vitamin do your job!