Bipolar Check-in #82

Can’t your Pdoc call in a script for you?

i saw her two weeks ago. all she said to do wa decrease my antidepressant and to come back in a month. i m seeing a new more experienced pdic oct 4. gotta grit my teetht il then. i dont trust my current dr. she called my husband when i was manic and told him to take me to the ER even though i was fine. i dont trust her anymre. and i dont think she even cares what happens to me.

I've been procrastinating on getting my hair cut because i so hate it. But i screwed up my courage and did it! I wanted a male barber because the women hairdressers fuss and it's so unpleasant and expensive. I talked a young man barber into cutting my hair and it looks really cute, shaved around the sides and back and long on top, like Miley Cyrus in "Wrecking Ball." It was only $25.

I was real nervous and made one awkward comment, not offensive or anything, and honest, i just sort of feel weird about it. But the barber did not react to it, and when we said goodbye he said he hoped to see me again, so it couldn't have been that bad, if he was inviting me back. So i'm really pleased i got that done and that it went relatively well and that i stuck to my guns and got a barber.

The chirp continues but we are coping with it well. The weather is glorious!

Hugs to all in need!

Today went better than I was expecting it to. Well, I should say I handled the day better than I was expecting to be able to. As evening and night progressed though, I have been struggling. In part, this just happens but also I have less distractions than when at work. I'm really kicking myself for not trying to get into counseling this week.

I have lunch with a friend tomorrow so, hopefully, that will help.



I was able to get a short walk in outside today! I haven't had the physical health, or low enough temperatures, for an outdoors walk in ages. The temps are going to rise above 100 again, but fall is clearly on its way where I live!!

Feeling super anxious this afternoon and mood is way down. Way down. I have an appointment with my counsellor in 3.5 hours. I really don’t feel like it. But it’s too late to cancel. She’s a work counsellor and I just don’t feel like speaking about work. I want to crawl up into a ball in bed and stay there. It was difficult seeing how sick my partner’s dad was in hospital. He’s deteriorating so much rapidly. He’s lost so much weight in a week his cheeks are hollow.

And my counsellor forgot about me. She didn’t ring 😔

Glad you were able to go get a haircut!. I’ve been procrastinating on that as well. As I have a lot of anxiety and don’t like people that physically close to me, especially people who try to make small talk cause I feel awkward because I’m really shy and socially anxious. It always feels good though once you get it done! You’ve inspired me though, I may go get a haircut in a couple weeks when I get my money. Ive just been keeping it in a ponytail but I want something nice.

Sorry about the SI thoughts I hope things improv in that regard glad you got out for a walk though! Walks really help improve my mental health, they’re such good mood boosters

Sorry that happened, were you able to get ahold of her and find out what happened?

I hope the new doctor is more helpful

I took a walk to the bus stop then took the bus to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I’m still frustrated that my other pharmacy closed. What used to take me a 30 minute walk total 15 min there and 15 min back now takes me an hour and a half if you include all the walking to the bus stop, waiting, then waiting for the bus on the way home and walking back from the bus stop. Oh well. At least I have my meds. I refilled my weekly med case for the week and took my morning meds. I saw a sign that they take walk ins there for Covid and flu vaccines though so I’m gonna go get the updated flu and Covid vaccines next time I take a trip there to get my next med refills.

I slept really good last night. Had really intense vivid dreams that felt like they went on forever. I slept really good though.

I had some apple cider donuts today. They’re really good.

Enjoying some coffee now. Enjoying the weekend.

I'm procrastinating on getting my hair cut too. Just don't really feel like it. I just need a trim. Keeping long.

Have like five prescriptions to pick up from the pharmacy on Monday, one of which is my prn Seroquel, which is good because I'm out of it (but have no way of getting to the pharmacy until Monday unfortunately).

Couldn't fall asleep last night. Took 400mg of Seroquel to calm me down enough to finally fall asleep for my usual four hours.

The only time I sleep good is when I take two ambien, but I don’t want to do that on a regular bases or my body will get used to it. Last night I tossed and turned so much my covers were in a knot. When I did sleep I was involuntary in a hospital, there was a bunch of us being drugged by the powers that be to keep us locked up. Was a terrifying experience. It still hangs over me hours later.

Need to do laundry today as I’m leaving for my sisters house tomorrow. So I can be there for my early morning dental appointment Monday morning..

Ugh, I’m so hungover from that dream. Memories of when I was so unstable. Nothing like a vivid dream to remind myself how good it is to be boring. 😂

Back from the hospital. Yayyyyy. Only two injections this stay. Found some mail saying I got approved for an "affordable housing" apartment. $1200/mo. **obviously I said no to that and in the hospital the social worker got me an interview for this transitional housing place on Tuesday, and rent is based on 30% of your income. Shared bathroom, but that's ok.

My "rep payee" (mom) I guess wasn't doing a good job at being a rep payee () and there was a letter saying they would make me my own payee, and I'm not even getting that money now, so...my income is solely based on how much it snows and how much the grass grows now.

My IP NP probably knows me more than my outpatient provider, but sometimes I straight up don't believe her. A lot of time I refuse to call certain things/periods of my life "trauma'--ya know, just normal lifely strifes--but she said if trauma were ranked, she'd put me at #1 of what she's seen. Maybe I'm just most honest? Maybe it was a tactic? She seriously took out the DSM and we went through PTSD symptoms under the assumption of one specific event being "trauma" and I had all except two. She said she'd rather say I have CPTSD than BPD too since I seem too "lively" (?)

As for meds, I am no longer allowed to be on any antipsychotics unless I am in an ER and abso-fking-lutely need to calm tf down then I can have zyprexa zydis or IM. Even Seroquel started causing akathisia, and akathisia might as well be suicidality at this point. I did get diagnosed with ADHD (apparently severe) and placed on Ritalin (don't worry, with Depakote). Supposedly stimulant + bipolar = mania, but I swear I've never been more...I don't know whether to say "at peace" or "calm" or "levelheaded." Focused and organized for sure. It's like my thoughts are more streams of observations, questions, and ideas than near constant non-sequiturs. I can sit for more than 10 minutes (and even sit at all without the akathisia). We talked about it and I still struggle with a lot of ADHD stuff, but I swear this Ritalin shyt is like turning my brain from extreme mode to moderate mode.

I know catching up is going to be too overwhelming right now (still struggling mood wise but more on the low end and even probably less so bipolar-depression just straight up lower than baseline feeling bad-ness), but I hope all of you have been doing well/are doing better

@MuddyBoots
It's good to hear you're back. I'm glad that you were able to get help. You sound much better. I was on Adderall a few years for ADHD but I got taken off it when I got hospitalized forpsychosis and the pdoc never put me back on it. I've been managing without it for awhile, could it be nearly a year now? And that makes me wonder if I even have ADHD at all or if it was just disorganized bipolar thinking & talking that made the pdoc diagnose ADHD or maybe he just gets more free meals & samples out of the reps if he can slap as many labels as possible on to his patients?

It's so good to see you MuddyBoots, awesome about the housing, I hope your new meds help you

Welcome back muddy! You sound good.

I feel a bit flu like today but I'm trying to go to 2 valium a day instead of 3 which might be the cause of my symptoms. Overall my moods and anxiety are ok I'm mainly just really tired from my nausea meds.

I had an accident this morning with a 3rd pair of headphones. But I just tried them and they seem to be ok. I still need to figure out the warranty on my Beats.

My blanket that I tried while it was sopping weight feels weird. Its just a regular fleece blanket and it dried all the way after 3 hours but it feels stale or something.

I'm happy because yesterday the vet called and my cat Midnight FINALLY tested negative for the fungus we've been treating her for. It's been 7 months of $80 medication a month, so it's been a long haul. The main thing is she's healthy again.

My day has been pretty low key. Walked & jogged this morning, showered, refilled meds, more of the usual. I've read some, but my mystery has turned into a sort of paranormal hot mess of whiny, b*tchy spoiled teenagage girls you cannot tell apart, I should stop reading this book and save myself melting my brain cells. And I thought reading Twilight did a number on me!

Practiced violin, my next lesson is a week from today on Saturday the 28th. I need to buy some new rosin. I think in about 3 months I'm gonna change my strings. I have a set of insanely good quality strings my ex boyfriend (we're still friends and still talk) got me for a gift at some point I haven't used yet because my current strings were still okay, it takes like 6 months of regular playing for strings needing to be changed. So in I'd say 3 months I'll need to change mine to that really nice set. Interested to see how they sound when I do, they're some of the best. They're $75 for a set. There's even better ones you can get that are even more expensive. But those are considered standard good quality. The ones I have on my violin now cost about $20 for the set. If I like the new ones I might stick to them. $75 every six months to replace them isn't that bad I guess. Idk I'm kind of tempted to change them now

Working on several scales right now and still working on the game of Thrones theme song.

Anyway, I also got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. And watched the new version of the horror movie Candyman, it was really good.

@Blue_Bird:

Thanks for sharing that you feel the same way about haircuts as i do. There's this old idea that women LIKE to go to the 'beauty salon' but it's not true for many of us.

@Nammu:

Thanks for sharing about the virtues of being boring! I feel the same way. Definitely a balancing act, but as i get older i appreciate peace, quiet, and privacy more and more.

It’s hard waiting for my dna test results! I feel good on my current med but who know what category it’s in. I still wonder why I have to come in in 3 1/2 weeks instead of when my pnp gets the genesight results in less than 2.

I will message her on Monday and ask …

Turns out my sister has a spider infestation in her apartment building and the exterminator is there so she’s coming over tonight to spend the night with me, should be fun having company

omg a spider infestation is m worst nightmare! have fun with her!