Bipolar Check-in #84

Cold, dreary day.

When do you get the results of the ultrasound? I had elevated liver enzymes one time and got put through a battery of tests that thankfully amounted to nothing. Then I'm not sure exactly what changed, but somehow the enzymes went back to normal and have stayed there since. Probably I had a med change or something that helped things out.

Had a good therapy appointment. We talked about radical acceptance and also ironic rebound. Ironic rebound is when you’re having thoughts/feelings that you try to ignore or block out, they come back stronger. There’s studies on that. Anyway, so I’m gonna be working on radical acceptance and also exposing myself to things that make me paranoid. Like one of the situations I can’t stand is sitting in silence cause then I start getting paranoid about noises and about my meds poisoning me etc and my thoughts spiral so I’m constantly blocking out the world with my headphones and distractions. So I’m gonna have to work on exposing myself to small doses of silence over time kind of like exposure therapy till it gets easier.

We talked about the THC vaping use. She was telling me about how scary things are on the drug scene now due to fentanyl being cut in with so many things and another thing also that’s out there being put in stuff that’s dangerous. . And just the general risk of having a psychotic episode from weed since I have schizoaffective disorder.

So I’m gonna stop vaping THC and get my payee paperwork signed by my psychiatrist next month to become my own payee. He told me to stop using THC and if I did he’d sign them next month at our appointment.

@Blue_Bird I agree that stopping vaping is a good idea. You definitely don't want to risk a psychotic episode!

Hopefully later today

Morning! Been awake since 5:30am. Yikes. Taking my son swimming today and then going to visit my daughter. I have to take her grocery shopping because she locked herself out her apartment on Thursday and had to pay $280 for a locksmith to let her back inside the apartment and now she has no money left for groceries. We’ll go for lunch first. After that I’m hoping to go put in an order for my son’s birthday cake. You have to go in to the store to do that. Ughhhh.

Hitch - careful on what you write for the inscription. ONLY write the message. You dont want to end up on the internet! "MAKE IT BIG!"

Was the other thing Xylazine? That's in a bit of stuff around here. Some people like a xylazine+fentanyl combo (tranq). I don't get it... there is stuff that feels better and doesn't have a probable chance of killing you?

I thought NY was a legal state though so you should have safe access, right? Or do you not have dispensaries (we're decriminalized so everyone just goes to ME or MA and just gives them all our money for weed that's just weed and doesn't have fentanyl, xylazine, formaldehyde (yeah, formaldehyde.) instead of maybe funding our own state to work on homelessness and the opioid crisis, but I digress)

I'm sorry. There are so many good reasons to not do any drugs incl. marijuana and derivatives that I hate when people use bad ones. It's like "you shouldn't drive at 150mph because it's bad for your engine if you need an oil change!" ... is "you'll either die or go to jail and you might kill other people too" not good enough? I get some people don't have morals and need economic justification for why running around stabbing people isn't a good idea, but sheeeeesh.

My sleep is a mess!

I slept 7.5 hours the other night, which is great. But then I go and sleep 2.5 hours, wake up and then sleep another 3 hours later! Same thing last night.

I see my pdoc in a week. Depending on how my sleep is then, I might ask for something to help me sleep. If you have experience with sleep meds, I'd appreciate it if you post about it.

My anxiety continues to be high and my mood is low, but I'm taking things one day at a time.

"Write 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' but big and with so many colors his grandkid's gonna adopt a unicorn"

I’m going to have to google what you mean I’m nervous

@Crazy Hitch look for Cake Wrecks

You tell the cake decorators what to write and they take it very literally

I managed to order his cake now through the internet….. I go to pick it up December 6th but the place is so far away 1 hour to get there but we’ve saved a lot of money on the cake!

Ohhhhhhh i get it now lmao!

I have an appointment tomorrow early morning at the Saturday urgent clinic at my doctor's office because I was drinking Gatorade and 4 hours later used the bathroom and it was all pure liquid. The nurse said the miralax doesn't stop working immediately after stopping it! I only stopped it yesterday. I've had diarrhea for 6 days and been taking the miralax for months! My primary doctor said to take it once a day so I did. I have been drinking Gatorade but the nurse said to drink it half strength with water. My tongue/mouth is so dry it hurts to eat solid food. Drinking diluted Gatorade now and lying in bed.

Yes Xylazine is the one she mentioned too. She showed me some test strips she keeps in her office for people who are honest about their drug use so they can at least try to be safe about it.

Weed is legal here, there are dispensaries but you can get weed/vapes other sources too though that might be less trustworthy. I do trust the vape I have though cause my sister got it from an actual dispensary from the owner she knows. It was $175 for it so it’s not cheap stuff from an unknown source.

My only concern with it itself is like psychosis. I feel like I’m okay if I just use it once in awhile. Back in the spring though I really over did it with the vapes and edibles and I think that’s the main reason I got psychosis. I think I just can’t handle edibles. The worst I get from vapes is some paranoia. But I did over do those at one point to where so that didn’t go well. My therapist is like a lot less strict about it because she’s a lot younger. My psychiatrist is in his 60s though and he’s very particular about any form of substance use.

Idk I’m kind of torn on the whole thing, I feel like very very light use of weed like once in a blue moon is okay like to relax after a long day, is it the same as having a drink or two after a long day once in awhile? Idk . One thing I don't struggle with anymore is being reckless with substances. When I was a teenager I’d binge drink and overdosed on DXM in cough syrup and combined codeine with it and took all kinds of random crap cause I had zero sense of fear back then. I’ve mellowed out now that I’m 30 I’m not quite as reckless.

I have a pretty similar stance, but I also know that, like with having a drink, some people just don't do well keeping it to 1-2 every now and then, and some people have 1-2 (drinks/hits) and don't like it or can't handle it for whatever reason. I was (am?) similarly reckless and haven't done anything extreme in a while, keep being curious as to how weed affects me now, but I'm afraid of getting that obsessed again. I did have a toke the other day to see if it'd help my appetite (I can't eat these days. At all. Like, it's 3:34pm and my only calories have been a protein smoothie, so yeah, I had to try.) It helped, but now my head is thinking I have to get high if I want to eat and everyone says I need to eat if I want to survive so logically I have to get high to survive I think one of my premises are off.

There's also I guess a difference between using something (really anything) in a healthy way to cope or chill or whatever or in an unhealthy way that's more escaping and avoiding life. Everyone needs distractions, but those distractions shouldn't take over.

I feel so bad for the people! You can SEE what they meant. This is the 2nd best part of the internet, after cats. First cats, then caaaaaake!