Bipolar Check-in #84

I've had more energy lately, and I've been able to concentrate a lot better. I wonder if my old stomach med was causing issues. I've been able to focus on a new TV show. Also I finished organzing my closet and I walked on my treadmill for 23 minutes. I used the heating pad right after so my side is ok. I legit think I'm just severely out of shape because all the moving around I did yesterday and today has helped out my pain a lot. Plus the new med and the pepcid is helping my nausea

I looked up this girl on Facebook who was so creepy who started copying me. Like brands of clothes I wore, and she started eating international chocolate and she would post the same posts after I posted them. Just super creepy things. In the profile picture she recently posted she is wearing a T shirt that is a brand she copied off me.

She has a huge rack though lol.

My pnurse doesn’t return until the 25th. I don’t know if I can make it that long.

@Moose72 Can you see someone else? I know this varies; it would be hard for me to get in with anyone else where I go but I don't think most places are as strict as where I go/who my pdoc trusts with her patients (if I saw someone else it would probably be a resident).

Have you been on other anti-seizure/mood stabilizers like trileptal, tegretol, depakote, topirimate? I was even on Keppra once although that was a long time ago and I've never heard of anyone else trying it. But if you are running out of options it's worth bringing up as a last ditch thing. Before I went on clozaril we went through absolutely every drug possible to see if they'd work instead and still be safe for me. ECT was considered but they decided I wasn't a good candidate at the time. I don't remember why. But I do understand the feeling of "what now?" and I went through a few weeks of that with my pdoc on vacation.

About a month ago my Pdoc and I spent an hour going over the results from the genesight genetic testing which tells you which psych drugs you’ll react to and which you won’t. That still showed some in the can take column which I had horrible reactions to like Invega and severe akathisia. We went through my records and analyzed each med I’ve been on one by one and the reasons I they were dis continued. Lots of meds I had never taken had urinary retention as a side effect which I’ve had twice to two separate med. This requires emergency care and a catheter for a week and hoping you can pee when they finally take the catheter out. I will react to Clozeril so that’s out. I’ve tried or eliminated every psych drug out there. Vraylar and gabapentin were my last chance. But now my liver enzymes jumped way up and I had all those side effects to gabapentin this past week. Still not feeling right on 100s - dry mouth and diarrhea and dizziness like with the 300s. Pdoc is the only one who knows all this besides my case manager and my primary so seeing another Pdoc wouldn’t work. I see Pdoc on the 25th. She’s been out of the office for 3 weeks and it’s hard dealing with her temporary replacement via phone filtered through clinical coverage workers. Pdoc said that if Vraylar and gabapentin don’t work out well have to seriously consider ECT. My primary doctor saw me yesterday and called me today and is very concerned. She is going to contact my liver doctor as my liver doctor said staying on this regimen could cause scarring/ cirrhosis. So yeah. I think I’m going to have to try ECT..

I had more hypomanic symptoms today-extreme irritability. Yesterday and today the symptoms haven't lasted all day so I'm going back and forth about whether I should take an extra .5 mg of risperidone tonight. If I didn't work with kids, I'd for sure wait another day or two to see what happens. But, I hate it when extreme irritability hits when I'm with them. And, with how tense things are at work, hypomanic irritability kicking in while I'm there could lead to me saying something I'd regret.

I had a nice time at the dog shelter today. Worked on laundry and spent some time with two dogs. The first one I took outside just wanted me to pet him most of the time. The second one took a tiny bit to warm up to me, but was full of energy. He seemed pretty happy when he got to chase a bird.

i was paralyzed with anixety all monring today. now im playing catch up

When does your semester end @HALLIEBETH87 ? My mom's is starting to wind down (but she's on this weird 2 8 week semesters for grad students in one normal semester. Makes no sense to me but I'm definitely not a college president ).

I had a lousy day except for getting in a shower i was overdue for. I can't diet. My mild depression is already so unpleasant, i can't add to it. Now i have all these raw veg i won't eat. I took a planned day off exercise. Sunday is a good day to rest. Not sure what the future holds.

Hugs to all in need!

I kinda want to message my pdoc and tell him I'm depressed. But I don't want him to call him 911. Plus he replied on Friday anyways.

And I was doing fine until I was lying down and I started feeling funny. So its probably just crap night stuff again.



Its just this effing peanut butter thought I have running through my head thats gonna destroy me eventually.

I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself. Wondering why the principal hasn’t responded to an email about class allotments I sent on Friday. Surely he’s not expecting me to teach those rug rats again next year. I’m really hoping best case scenario it was a mere harmless oversight but his lack of response has me wondering if it’s going to stay. I just can’t teach them again. I can’t put up with chairs being thrown across the classroom. Period. I’ll have another meltdown and time off work…

@Moose72

You will make it until the 25th. You are STRONG. 💪 💪 Sorry to hear the gabapentin didn't work out. And about your liver issues. That sucks man. How do you feel about getting ECT?

Sorry @Moose72

I have been feeling much better thanks to the SAD lamp. It's never worked this well but I've also never used it at these settings (15 min, 65%). It makes me edgy for a while afterward and I am sure that's why I've never done it this high before. But now I'm worried because I'm back to not being able to sleep. It's nearly 3:30 AM and I'm wide awake despite PRNs. It may be the light, it may be my continuing bronchitis making hard to get comfortable. I don't think my antibiotic is working. I'm giving it one more day before I contact my doctor. Thanks to the lamp I've not had a single nap during the entire time I've been sick. My pdoc doesn't want me napping right now but I think being sick would qualify as an exception if it weren't for the light. But that's fine. I'm just confused why I'm suddenly wide awake. Last night I slept 8 hours so maybe I'm paying for that and am not really allowed to have that much sleep?


I'm waiting to see if 25 mg of seroquel helps. Hope so.....

Good morning, didn’t sleep well. I skipped my night meds because I didn’t want to oversleep today. I want to be early to get to the food pantry today. I usually get there around 7:30am. It’s 6:15am now. So I’ll head out in about an hour. Their doors open at 9am but the line gets really long really fast so I go early so I’m pretty far up in the line if not 1st.

I’m going to get my Covid and flu shots tomorrow when I go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Ugh it’s gonna be a long day. I slept maybe 2 hours max. I might try to take a nap later in the morning around 11am. Possibly. I have a list of things I want to do today but I’m already overwhelmed by it.

I had a nice power walk this morning and stopped at the park to do the outdoor ab machines and the arm tension weights. I will probably be sore from that tomorrow. I have a dentist appt. this afternoon that I am not looking forward to. A week ago, I had a tooth break off at an old amalgam filling. I hope I do not need a crown or another root canal; I have already had both this year! They are so expensive, and it's already been expensive taking Sugarberry to the vet for his initial appt (and him having to get pain & antibiotic shots); he is going to the vet this week to get his yearly shots and get neutered. I am anxious about that; hoping all goes well. So that will be another big expense, and I have to buy Revolution for all 4 cats for flea, tick, lice prevention, and a pack of 6 is around $130!

Then my daughter's birthday & Christmas comes up; I have 5 nieces & nephews to buy gifts for, ugh!

Edited:
Yep, I was so right, my period started today, 4 days early even. I HATE when it's early!

I'm very anxious. I got a text this morning from my mom. She had to call 911 for an ambulance for my grandmother. She was having trouble breathing and her legs were swelling. My grandmother is 91 years old, so every little thing is not minor. I was basically raised by my grandparents before I started school, so it's hard on me with my grandmother getting older

It’s the Vraylar giving me liver issues. My primary dr is going to contact my liver doctor and so is my Pdoc. And I just picked up the 60 100 gabapentin so I can take two a day. Pharmacist said if I get the same side effects at this dose to “just push through”! I am NOT going to do that when I’m dizzy and feel faint- especially while driving! My Pdoc is going to contact my liver doctor too- she said if my liver enzymes stay this high it could cause cirrhosis/scarring of my liver! This is all very complicated and when I tried to explain it to my mom she said “Why do you need to be on these drugs at all.”!!! They’re the last two I can take per Pdoc and I feel like the only one who understands is my primary! My primary saw me on Saturday and called me on SUNDAY! She is worried! I’ve known her for 27 years so I trust her judgement!

ECT…. My primary doctor says it’s not a big deal and she has two patients on it now and they are doing very well. My biggest worry is who would drive me as my mother just thinks I should do x y and z instead of take medication! I can’t imagine her reaction to ECT. I guess I’m ok with it. I will have to have a more in depth conversation with my Pdoc about it when I see her next week.

2
Weeks is what I have left

Thinking of you guys and your families, @Blueberrybook and @Crazy Hitch

@Moose72 I hope you can get this figured out soon. I'm in a similar position where meds and I don't get along. Frustrating.

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I see my CM later. Blahhhh. How do I take where I'm at seriously and actually tell her I am really struggling.... in a way she takes it seriously too? Med nurse already told me last week I can't see my pdoc sooner, not like that'd go anywhere anyways when meds seem to either nearly kill me or make me nearly kill myself. I think what I'm gonna do is ask to be taken off the methylphenidate. I figured if I actually take both doses I can kinda function, but maybe withdrawal will slow the rate I'm losing weight.

I posted in the anxiety forum, but since it's not very active, I figured I'd ask here:

Does anyone find using a SAD lamp helps with anxiety? My pdoc suggested it to me for panic disorder, but I'm just not sure. For those of you using a SAD lamp, do you think it helps anxiety as well as seasonal depression?

I tried telling my mom about all this and she said “why do you need to be on these meds? You should exercise etc blah bla blah”. She even went with me and asked my pnurse a million questions a few months ago. Pnurse told her the truth but she still feels the need to criticize the fact that I’m on meds! I’ve been diagnosed bipolar since 2005 and she still criticizes me! Granted I react to every single med I try…..but being unmediated was a disaster when I tried it a few months ago (with pnurse’s permission”). Having a therapist isn’t enough though I really like my new therapist.). I hallucinate, get paranoid, and get psychotic in general off meds. The anxiety is crippling!!! When I am symptomatic I hide this from most people. Even my beloved pharmacist who bends over backward for me said if I get the symptoms on the 200 gabapentin as I did on the 300 just push through it! I am not pushing through feeling faint and dizzy! I can’t drive like that! Ugh. I need my Pnurse back but I have to wait till the 25th!

Case manager said if I can’t sleep on the 200s we’ll have to add a sleeping med. been there done that. But maybe there’s something different?

I'm doing ok today. I did 30 crunches on my ab roller. My new pillow came. Its one that you kinda get inside of and it supports your back neck and sides. It was an early Christmas gift.

I guess I'm feeling ok today. I could just motivate myself more to get out of the house or take a shower or something

I'm doing fine with limiting my news and being productive in the house.

My dreams are still in my head. Oof, not a terrible dream just very vivid. I lost my car. We were at a general store that played a game sort of like bingo. A woman won eleven thousand dollars by getting 27. That cleaned out the store. They had no more money, so was exact money only. People were coming for there prescriptions and these guys were clearing everything out to remodel the store. I went out the front but my car wasn’t there, so I was going to go out the back but there was 3 inches of water on the back room floor. I was starting to panic about my car when I woke up.

I didn’t get to the food pantry today. I ended up going back to sleep. So I’m gonna go when they’re next open on Wednesday.