Bipolar Check-in #85

I'm ok. They were 5mg taken from midnight to 4PM. So they were spread out. I fell asleep and I woke up with a sore throat and cough that maybe was acting like heartburn and why it wasn't responding to the tums and pepcid.

I am dizzy even lying down so I'm going to get a nutrition shake.

So on 14 December I sent my daughter a ton of money for her birthday and Christmas. “Just” what I could afford. And today she messages me that she’s flat broke has no money for food yadda yadda. So I sent her $300 and told her it’s a loan that needs to be paid back. But it’s totally stuffed around my finances until my payday next Thursday. That was my disposable income until payday.

Sorry for the rant.

Good morning. The gas people are here to put in a new gas line I guess or something like that. I’m waiting for them to finish then come back up to turn my heating system back on so I can go downstairs to go to the coffee event. I want my coffee lol

Anyway aside from that just gonna practice violin today and read

Hi Everyone,
I hope you're having a good holiday seasons. I'm ready for a new year I think. I've been in a pretty rough spot lately emotionally, financially, all the ways you can be. I come and go on here a lot as you already know, but recently the isolation has been extreme. I just sometimes do that and don't realize it.


I did something kinda crazy -- I met the soon-to-be ex husband of my ex in person. We hung out with his best friend and her husband and went to eat, played card games etc... and just had a good time. He's having a hard time but the patterns of behavior with the ex are uncanny, and feels acknowledged because I know what he's going through-- I am after all, the first ex-husband to go through it. He's now becoming the second.

Even though it was nice and we had a good time... I came home yesterday and I just cried. I don't really know why to be honest. I've known for a long time who my ex is, how they are not the person I thought I married and honestly I dodged a bullet getting out when I did. ... but somehow I still feel upset about it. Maybe it's just the memories than come back.

No plans for the new year. I'll probably just be alone, as always. I'm starting to really resent myself for not having any friends or anywhere to go..... (I mean lets face it..I'm hanging out with the guy who stole my ex out from under me because ..??) It is what it is I guess. I wish I were more attractive. I wish I were more fun. I wish people liked me. I wish a lot of things... and I'm not sure I could make any of them true. =\ I did get a new haircut. I'm not sure I like it but everyone around me seems to think it looks good. It's a skin-fade (ive never had my hair so short on the sides before!) I'll grow into I guess. It's just hair.



Anyway, Happy holidays again!

I'm doing better today. My med management has been a lot better. I've only taken 2 dramamine and 1 valium. I did restart my One A Day vitamin hoping that will help me out along with my daily work out and my sun lamp.

My anxiety is ok. I think Tums cause anxety for some reason. My stomach is pretty decent. Oh yeah I took a couple Tyelnol early this morning. But everything was as directed. My appetite is decent I guess.

I don't have any plans for today. Maybe take a long nap. I slept ok laat night.

Had my coffee. The people are still working on the gas line. They were supposed to be done around 10am. It’s 12:30pm now. I hate that I have to sit around all day and wait to let them back in to turn my heating system back on.

Anyway I had some coffee downstairs in the community room. It was good. Not nearly as strong as I like it but hey it’s caffeine at least I talked with the program manager while I was down there. She has some ideas to have like a hot chocolate day and a popcorn day. With the hot chocolate she’s thinking with whip cream and various toppings like crushed candy cane, Andes mints etc we have a popcorn machine here too and all the different flavors you can sprinkle on them.

I’m just trying to decide what to do to pass the time while I wait. I feel like I can’t relax until they come back and turn the gas on. I hate waiting.

I only slept about 6 hr last night because Pecan started jumping on me and trying to wake me at 3 AM. I eventually had to get up because it was making me realize I needed the bathroom pretty bad. Pecan is as regular as an alarm clock; except she's an alarm clock set a few hours too early!

I had a pretty productive morning. Took a power walk and thank God I was not as anxious as yesterday. Still some anxiety but not the high type that veers into panic so often. Showered, read with the SAD lamp, washed & folded a load of laundry, baked blueberry muffins, and sketched 3 pictures.

I'm feeling a lot less irritable than yesterday, and I'm pretty sure yesterday was PMS because I'm spotting today, which means my period will be starting today or tomorrow. Thank goodness it's just PMS and not bipolar, isn't it weird to feel that way? I don't want to be mixed or even manic because that usually leads me to the psych hospital.

Which reminds me I have now stayed out of the psych hospital for 1 year!

I was able to go to bed on time and sleep. I ate only a little bit and took and extra ambien and gabby. Cool dreams. I woke up early but didn’t get out of bed until 10. Watched the price is right then got dressed. Need to go to the store. Two bags of my cheese cubes are molded over! Gah! I hope they take them back. I eat cheese cubes with my night meds so the work better. Supposed to eat 350 calories but the cheese cubes work.

Anyway I’m hoping that without a receipt they take back the moldy cheese. I’m not going for a couple hours yesterday as the temperature is right at freezing and there’s fog. The temps supposed to rise a nd the fog lift. I’m such a terrified driver. I don’t like driving in less than decent conditions.

Blueberry congratulations on staying out a year!! That’s huge. I remember the first time for me, it really is a big deal! Congratulations 🎊🎉🎈

Brentus I’m sorry you’re struggling with loneliness. It’s really difficult and gets magnified during the holidays have you thought of maybe trying to meet up with people with similar hobbies if you have any? For example I like to read so maybe a book club. Or I also like doing art so there’s sometimes some free arts/crafts things for adults at the local library. Libraries tend to have a lot of free social events for adults so definitely look into it. You never know, could end up making a friend or at the very least it could ease some of the loneliness. Sometimes I find just being out at a community event helps my loneliness some even though I really don’t have many friends at all. Basically none that live close to me.

MD, I’m glad you’re feeling better!

Blueberry, congrats on 1 year!

Nammu, glad you slept well hope you can get the refund for the cheese and get some new ones

The gas people are finished finally! Now I can relax. And tomorrow is New Years Eve! Yay!!

Maintenance people in my apartment stress me out too. Glad the finally finished. Blue bird 🐦

Those are great ideas, but I live in a rural town and there isn't really much in the way of established things like that for me -- other than online things or creating something myself I guess. I appreciate the suggestions! Maybe I can do something along those lines.

My mom has been in a bad mood all day. And she’s taking it out on me. I just came home from the grocery store to find that the cat put a towel in her cat box! Gross! I took it out and she did it again!

Nothing to do now. N3 is busy packing. He moves into his new place on New Year’s Day. School starts on the 8th! So exciting for both of them!

My brother has over $400 left on his spendable OTC card and it has to be used by tommorow. So my mom went and stocked up on stuff like Tylenol and also got me some stuff. But she also got one of those finger tip at home EKG things so I can know if my heart is messed up without going to the doctor first.

I took an 1 and 15 minute nap this afternoon. I got really tired suddenly like I was about to fall into a void or something. My mom bugged me about the doctor again and getting complete blood work and shyt.

Dissociating. Trying to pull myself out of it. Practiced violin for awhile and that helped a bit. Recorded a video for Facebook. Still feeling disconnected though. Have some lavender scented wax melting in my wax warmer.

I’m just trying to breathe and ground myself now.

Sorry about the dissociation @Blue_Bird. Hopefully, you can get yourself out of it. Some days are worse than others for me too, when it comes feeling that way. It was truly an awful way to feel.

@Brentus - I am sorry you are struggling so much. I struggle with lonliness too, or lack of friends or people to socialize with other than my H & my daughter. My only true friends (not counting H) are my 2 sisters, which thank God we're at least close. Sometimes I can visit my youngest sister; it's about a 45 min drive to her house, but my middle sister lives a 6 hr drive away, so mostly it's just talking and texting with her. And my youngest sister has 3 girls in school; she's always busy with them and if not with her church (her husband is a music minister there so the whole family is involved in pretty much every church activity).

@Mountaindewed - How long has it been since you had complete bloodwork? My doctor usually requests it every 6 months to 1 year. Might not be a bad idea to have it checked if it's been awhile. Though God knows meds can do a number on energy to start with.

I also took a nap this afternoon, around 1.5 hr. I was so tired after lunch, I knew there was no way I was getting through the afternoon without some sleep. Probably so tired combined with my cycle and being woken so early by my cat.

@Blueberrybook its been about 3 months. I see my endocrongloist every 3 months and he requires it. I need to see my primary for my annual. Its been awhile since I've seen him.

I did the finger tip EKG thing. It showed I have Tackagardia or however you spell it and a BPM of 120. I'm not going to worry about it though. I'll just do it again tommorow and keep a log on the app.

My local convenience /coffee/ice cream shop is doing their annual free coffee any size any flavor for New Years Eve tomorrow from 6pm till midnight. So I’m gonna go there and get one tomorrow evening

My treatment team can go fk themselves. Between my case manager and therapist, 5 appointments have been cancelled in the past month (there’s supposed to be two a week and it’s not like mire than one was cancelled for more than an hour ahead of the appointment ). They told me the wrong time of my last psychiatrist appointment, so I missed that. Today for my appointment, it was made last minute so they get there and check in and am told I don’t have an appointment today.

They think I’m doing sooo fking great because I’m a year out of the state hospital and haven’t been arrested in a bit, but if I could die, I would make sure to do it in the most painful way ever.

Fk it. I’m drinking. Maybe it’ll keep me still and unconscious on the floor for the rest of the night with the benzos I took.

I know. I gotta get a hold of anti-matter. Anti-Sammy.

I need to be OUT IF THIS BODY. Being numb sucks. Feeling things sucks. I could do without all the screaming, but I’m guilty there too. Yesterday I punched the shyt out of my door because it was too loud. Because that’s what you do for things being too loud, you assault them, of course.

Maybe I’ll cut both my arms off so I can’t cit again.

According to google I should technially seek emergency care for a BPM of 120. But I think I'll just go to sleep.

Kinda fighting going to sleep. I forgot to eat after I took a nap. I ate earlier in the day. Then I just looked at my food log and realized its been awhile.

I ordered an excercise ball tonight. To do crunches and leg lifts. All that Starbucks and Dunkins I've cut out gave me a bit extra money.

@Blueberrybook have you sketched today? I haven’t. I might later. I’m not sure what to sketch though. Mostly focused on violin today. Though I want to get back into the habit of sketching daily

My diaphragm hurts. I notice it mostly at night when I’m in bed. Could I have damage a month after my fall? I did land on my front left side.

@Blueberrybook congrats on one year!

@Blue_Bird it's so cool that they give out a free coffee for New Year's Eve, and really a great idea by the people running the store. Enjoy your free coffee!

I messaged my pdoc this morning and he responded this evening already. He is fine with me testing out both 3 mg and 4 mg or risperidone to see if I need a permanent increase to 4 mg or if I just needed a few days of it to get my brain back on track. I am so grateful he trusts me with decisions/ideas like this. He just wants to let me know how it goes/what my final decision is. So, I am going back to 3 mg for a few nights to see what happens. I really won't know exactly what I need until I return to work and am around people all day again though.

I didn't get out of bed until after 10 am today so I'm trying to figure out how to fill my time until I actually get tired since it's only a little after 7 pm here. Today, I was able to go grocery shopping, vacuum out my car, read, spend some time at Starbucks, and go for a walk. I still need to order some supplies for an activity my students will be doing the first week back to make sure they arrive on time. Otherwise, I'm not sure what I am going to do tonight.

got my paper completed and turned in. just have to do a powerpoint and im DONE witht his class! so happy to almost be done.

2.5 hours until NYE for me!

It’s a quiet one at home.

I’m sitting outside drinking guava juice.

Aren’t I the life of the party lol 😂