Bipolar Check-in #85

My cat laid on my glasses and bent one of the arms totally out of whack. I tried to bend it back but it was still messed up. I took it to my eye dr. And she took it back to the back. And when she came back out she said she’d broken the frame! So I’m getting a whole new pair of glasses for $25. Those glasses cost $200! Only bad part is they’ll take a week! I have old glasses I can wear in the meantime. The lens fell out of the broken ones when I tried to wear them!

My mom helped me make a budget today. I feel so organized now! Paid off my credit card too! Now all my bills for the month are paid except Netflix but it isn’t withdrawn until the 9th.

Tomorrow my case manager and I are going to talk to the lady from LARA about that terrible therapist I had. Let’s hope it goes well!

I got glasses problems too. They’ve become too big and slide off my head. I was bending the arm like the instructions said but. I’m afraid of breaking them. My eye appointment isn’t until March so I don’t want to have to buy a new pair.

I’d would’ve suggested that the eye place could adjust them for you but I don’t think that’s a good idea after today!

Thanks @MuddyBoots and @Blueberrybook.

I can't use a light or pretty much do anything because I'm waiting for a psilocybin trial. So they took me off Prozac for that and I'm tapering up on Lamictal.

They even wanted me to stop therapy until the trial but I'm not doing that. It's the only place I can talk about what's going on.

So there's no point in seeing my pdoc because we can't do anything.

Yeah the family situation is just stupid. They actually believe that I'm "cured" because I always answer "fine" when they ask how I'm doing, and I'm taking a shower daily. Of course it doesn't matter that I can't stand the shower and it hurts to get dressed. The body pains etc.

Ah well, I have an exit strategy that I'll execute probably in December, maybe earlier if my kids get settled. I'll finally have control over my own affairs without being audited for everything and being monitored. Yeah I'll be alone, but it's better than the crappy life I'm living now.

Blueberry just saw your post - love the bug! It looks like the Cootie game we had in the 50's!

My pdoc told me to keep taking 4 mg of risperidone and prescribed me some PRN of seroquel to try. I've been on it before-if I remember right, I had horrible fatigue with it. So, I am only starting with 12.5 mg. I go back in a month and can message him if things go south or if this doesn't work. It's only a little after 7 pm, but I already took tonight's dose just so I have a little more time to see how I feel when it hits.

The pharmacist told me to make sure I keep an eye out for muscle stiffness and random muscle movements, including of the eye, because seroquel combined with risperidone and combined with wellbutrin can both increase the risk of these so that's fun. But, I don't know what else to do-I need to feel better.

I didn't do a good job trying to explain to my pdoc just how much distress I'm in.. I left out the continued suicidal thoughts because he can't do anything about them anyway (he's told me there is nothing he can do because of how I react to meds) and, sometimes, it's hard to explain that I'm really, really struggling even though it looks like I'm functioning normally to other people. Am I more stable than I used to be-absolutely-but this disorder still wears me down a lot more now than it did when I was first diagnosed.

Well almost time for bed. Gonna listen to one of the bedtime stories on the calm app on my Bluetooth earbuds while I fall asleep. Calm is a meditation app but they also have bedtime stories and stuff too. It’s really good. Anyway, I’m just waiting for my night meds to kick in. Here’s to hoping I wake up feeling at least a bit better

I thought I was just being lazy on Sunday by being so tired. Then around 5 tonight I went to bed with some muscle aches and I thought I had just worked out weridly. Which was odd because I've been doing the same workout for like 3 weeks with no issue.

Then I woke up half an hour ago and I have some kinda covid thing or something. Bad muscle aches and a cough. I feel like crap.

Was really hoping my nail art pens were arriving today but sadly no just some nail powder I ordered ages ago.

My son has been a handful today. Very hyperactive. Just waiting on my partner to get home from work any moment now. Maybe he can calm him down. Then again maybe not.

I still feel like crap but I feel a very small percentage better. Still really congested though and tired. I’m hopeful that by tomorrow I’ll feel much better. If not I’ll cancel my volunteer shift for Thursday and I have a doctor appointment for a sick visit Thursday morning if I need it. If I feel significantly better tomorrow I’ll cancel my doctor appointment. We’ll see how it goes.

I really need to clean my apartment it’s a mess. I don’t have the energy to do thorough cleaning like vacuuming, mopping etc but maybe I can at least organize it a bit and get a bit of the trash that’s been piling up out. I need to do laundry too but thats not happening right now.

I’ll just take things slow and get what I can get done in my apartment done. I’m not pushing myself to vacuum or mop though or any strenuous cleaning right now.

I have Gatorade and that’s helped me stay hydrated. Gonna reward myself with playing games later after I clean up the apartment some.

I'm doing pretty well this morning. I did pilates and used the SAD lamp & read. I have a pdoc appt. this morning. I really don't want to go anywhere; it's cold outside, and I hate the cold. I haven't been to the pdoc in 3 weeks and didn't have to call between appts., which is a long time for me since I had that severe depression in November. There was a point the pdoc had me coming every week. I really do think the SAD lamp is making a huge difference with the depression and that the increase in Seroquel has helped with the anxiety. I've even felt HAPPY a few of the days instead of just flat emotionally, without any sign of mania or hypomania except a few times of having some difficulty falling asleep (though once asleep, I have gotten a full night's sleep). That I will take; it's not so bad a trade-off.

I'm negative for covid although I sure am coughing a lot. But its just the cold thing my mom had a couple weeks ago. I'm glad we both got it which means nothing serious is wrong with either of us. But my 2 year old niece sure is germy.

I had to pickup some groceries but I'm at home now lying down. I'm glad I got blood work done yesterday. I normally sleep until 5 but today I got up at 6:40.

But my moods and stuff are all fine. I'm just coughy and achy.

So if I don't take my PRNs (PRN as in Pro Re Nata meaning "as the circumstance arises" meaning, in my interpretation, take the med if I feel I need it and it will be beneficial), I get berated. Today I learned if I do, I get accused of stashing, abusing, or even diverting (! The *only* times I have given somebody else my medication were both someone couldn't breathe and I knew their medical shyt (my mom and my bestie in hs that took the same thing but forgot hers) so let them use my inhaler because, I don't know, their ability to breathe is more important to me than some stupid fking law or what someone who spent like a hundred thousand for a paper that says they are now legally obliged to ridicule fat and confused people for being fat and confused.

Speaking of fat and confused, my cat is a bit of a dunce and has just jumped on the counter for the 6th time this morning in front of me. Get knocked down 6 times, get back up 7 I guess. Will continue rambling later, maybe.

edit: okay, he apparently doesn't want anything other than just to sniff the toaster. Isn't into playing again right now, doesn't particularly appreciate any attention that isn't being taken off the counter... crying in the basement now apparently (he has a habit of walking to the most isolated part of the house and crying in his "I'm lonely way..." I've never related to any other cat more in my life).

I got a call from potential future landlord. My case manager talked to her and told her I went inpatient a couple weeks ago, and now she needs confirmation that I am stable enough to live there and talked in a way like I need to be committed to the state indefinitely (which honestly my case manager probably was the one that told her that, she's mentioned it before, wouldn't be surprised if that's coming up again soon, not sure, haven't seen the case manager I'm supposed to see weekly in over three weeks aside from the escort to the ER during my attempt to get meds that I do not remember well at all).

My other cat just showed up incessant on being on the keyboard haha. He's giving me kisses. Say "hi" Nomad! "tfgggxddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd"
(he says hi and gives headbutts to everyone, whether you want them or not )

Yesterday I made a cute little music video starring Conrad (Modest Mouse- Mice Eat Cheese), and today I'm making one for Nomad (probably either Taylor Swift- Antihero or some RATM song, maybe Smashing Pumpkins- Bullet with Butterfly Wings. I don't know, he's a moody boi). A nurse from my PCP's office called to schedule a hospitalization follow up but said I'd be good to wait until my physical after I told her I already took my stitches out.



I'm listening to Bullet with Butterfly Wings right now and I am for sure going with it for the video. It's so Nomad.

Talked with the lady from LARA re that terrible therapist I had last summer! Everything we talked about goes in her record! I was very thorough and so was the LARA lady. I feel good about this. They will interview the bad therapist and see what she has to say for herself! The LARA woman will call me in the future to update me but it has to go before a committee and they have to vote. Could go to court!

That sounds promising!

My bloodwork is back and my hematrcrit is high again for the first time in 2 years! Wtf! I know I've been super sleepy and dizzy and headachy and the shyt that goes along with it. But I don't want to deal with weekly blood tests and possibly going to the infusion center and having them take blood.

I mean. I know it makes sense. But this is fuking exhausting.

I know I was worried about my hormone levels being too high and that can cause a lot of symptoms too that I'm having. My mom thinks my dose needs to be adjusted.

She is always so happy when it turns out to be medical and not mental health. Idk why but it annoys me a bit when she acts like that.

My pdoc appt. went fine; no med changes, come back in a month. I drew a little when I got home, but I couldn't get into it the way I did yesterday. I've been working through a drawing workbook, and I wasn't so into today's exercises, probably should have just skipped them.

My neck is hurting quite a bit. The neurologist diagnosed it awhile back, cervical degeneration, maybe, something like that, which didn't sound exactly as if it were something I wanted have. It had been feeling better for quite a long time, but I think as my time drawing has gotten longer, it may have started up the pain again. I put some gel like Voltaren on it, but that only helped a little. I was supposed to go to PT for the neck, but it wasn't bothering much at the time, and I let it go. I may look up some neck exercises on YouTube.

I really, really didn’t want to get up today. Though I was awake I stayed in bed until noon, just luxuriating in the soft warmth. I keep my apartment cold so I sleep better.

I didn’t feel like eating, just went downstairs for some games. But it was loud, and I got a headache so I came back. Watching tv with the sound off. I really should be reading I have sooo many books piled high waiting to be read. But I’ve not been in the headspace to read. Instead I’m doing mindless games like various solitaire. I’m in sort of a in a Weird mood. I get these mild irritating headaches that keep me from in joying life. There’s the monthly meeting tonight but I’m not sure I’m going because of the headaches. It gets so loud. Sounds are really a problem right now.

My hair is falling out in chunks since I permed it 6 weeks ago! Never again. I’m letting it dry naturally but my partner and son - the 2 most important people to me - really can’t stand my perm so I’ll tie it up before he gets home from work.

Busy with a huge load of laundry that Ive been neglecting. It’s so hot out I should probably put it outside to dry but because I don’t iron I’ll have to put it in the tumble drier.

Took my son to the park this morning and there were like 4 kids from his class there. The joys of living in a small country town.

I’m really depressed and idk why. I just got hit with an extreme wave of sadness and I feel on the verge of crying and there’s literally no reason why.

I’ve averaged 3-6 hours a sleep a night for the past week.

I just hate myself so much

@Blue_Bird that's problem the problem. Add being sick to that and it's just a recipe for depression.

Are you feeling any better?

Idk if it’s like this where you are but I hate the tenant meetings here. We don’t always have them but when they do they do nothing but stress me out because people just sit there complaining about literally everything and everybody else and gossiping about people under their breath. I stopped going to them when they do have it because it just makes me uncomfortable