Bipolar Check-in #85

@Blue_Bird - I'm so happy you have a new cat! Getting a new pet is wonderful. How is he doing with Mustachio?

@raspberrytorte - I already had to have cataract surgery some years back, I think when I was 42. But it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to my eyesight. My eyes were so bad, my contact lenses were -9 and -10, and I couldn't see ANYTHING well. Now, I'm slightly far-sighted, I need drugstore reading glasses, but I can driving without any corrective vision. No more contact lenses drying out and popping out, I can see the clock when I wake up, my glasses no longer cost $800+. But my cataracts grew fairly quickly, so I only had to deal with how crappy they made my vision for a couple of years. My sister is 41, and she was just told she has cataracts too and that maybe in 5 years or so they'll operate on hers, so you're not alone.

Hope everyone here under the weather starts feeling better soon!

I’ve got cataracts beginning too.

I have cataracts too but my doctor said it would be a few years yet, I’m 66. My sister was around 69 when she had her surgery.

I’m peeved my cable is messed up and I couldn’t watch jeopardy. There’s only a few stations coming in everything else is offline.

I did a dumb. Well dumb from anyone else’s perspective. Honestly thinking my T was my FP. I got those words of affirmation from her. I think our therapy would be better if I were more recovery focused; had m yADHD under control, and if we had consistent appointments.

Called crisIS LINE THIS Morning and was told to to showshoe and throw snowballs at trees. don't haave any decent trees, and there's like a half an inch of snow on ground.

edited for making it understandable.

I’m so tired today. I was still wide awake at midnight last night. Just could not fall asleep. I bought some keto meal replacement shakes this morning and it tastes bloody disgusting but it’s made me feel full so that’s a win. I’ll do another one at lunchtime. See my psychologist in 1,5 hours. I need to discuss work with him. Going back in 1.5 weeks and I have a lot to say about it. Taken me son to a holiday program at school for the day so hoping to come home from my appointment and have an hour’s sleep. I did not start him on Ritalin today because I’d rather he be at home so I can monitor him.

I have a cataract and I'm only 31.

My therapist says I’m not focused in therapy. That I talk about umpteen different topics. Well I said I still can’t reconcile good Dad vs bad Dad. But she thought I could come up with more good things than bad about him than bad. I can’t reconcile the good times with the bad and when I say bad I mean abuse. I have a few memories of that but my mom tells me it was much worse_ something she didn’t want to reveal while he was still alive. Stuff like affairs, professionals if you know what I mean, illegal drugs and drinking when he wasn’t home. How does one reconcile the good memories with the bad? Still can’t do it and we’ve been talking about it in therapy for six weeks now.

First week back to practicum went well. Shadowed assessments at the jail today. Interesting…

I didn't know cataracts were so common. I feel less alone. I was just surprised because no one on either side of my family has or had them. Not my mom or dad or grandparents. Poor eyesight yes, but not that.

Anyway, got all my meds. Waited at CVS for twenty minutes because they were really busy. My bottle of iron pills is really heavy! Lol. I hope they help. My vitamin D pills won't be in stock until tomorrow night.

@Blueberrybook I love your jellyfish! Did your artistic skills help you in college? I have a biology degree and no drawing skills and it hurt my grades in labs. One professor believed if you try hard enough you can draw anything and that's just not true. I remember drawing lots of cell stuff at least in the first year or so. Your degree is in Cellular bio isn't it? I finally got away from the drawings by doing a more ecological degree.

If one thing stuck out from me from DBT it's that there are no "good" or "bad" people. I think people just do what they know, or what they think they know is going to best the best outcome (for themselves usually). There's a section in my DBT workbook about integrating that seems like opposites. If I can find it online I'll PM it to you

Thank you!

I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working. I have to behave because everyone is trusting me. So instead I have cereal. Probably going to bed early.

@Crazy Hitch it's honestly just luck of the draw. One of the perks of a private school is you don't have the type of behavior issues that happen at public schools. I hope going back goes well for you-you've got this!

Welp, I'm depressed again and was struggling with SI today. I managed to keep enough momentum going to go to the pharmacy, go for a walk, cook dinner, and get the dishes done, but I spent most of my evening completely checked out scrolling on my phone trying to avoid the emotional pain.

I might have to go back on what I said about not taking the meds my pdoc prescribed for my twitching face muscles because I think this is at least part of what triggered depression symptoms. It could be that I haven't taken seroquel for a couple of days too. I think the twitching might have triggered something because every time my nose twitched today was a reminder that I'm a walking pharmacy and that I have a mental illness that's a pain to treat. I was honestly expecting the twitching to go away as soon as I stopped the seroquel. This might be a silly question, but can these muscle twitches be permanent? Seroquel had me feeling amazing, but I hate the thought of taking it to much and the twitches getting worse and/or just never going away. I

won't try the new med until this weekend though, in case it gives me side effects. So, we'll see if/how much my face keeps twitching these next few days.

I laid under my bed for a couple hours listening to RKS- Shameful Company a bit and now I don't want to buy a rage cage except go in debt because it would be my own personal building and no one else could come in.

Heee hee if I didn't hate my team and avoided them but did what I did today anyway I'd bee mediclly hospitalized right now
I just saw this sentence on Reddit: "I feel like skiers are especially good at ****-posting. Like a different level of clever and ironic. On the r/icecoast we have a special relationship with masochism that sharpens our wit," and it sounds about right.

I'm going through my MyChart stuff right now to see what's in there that they didn't tell me (so far have NES, arachnoid granulation, a sinus arrhythmia/right ventricular conduction delay, and hypodensity in cardiac chambers the earliest starting last April).

Okay. I'm going to try and sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Lazy afternoon after I saw my T. He said I’m making good progress. So there’s that. Lay on the couch and tried to sleep. Couldn’t. So I went to go pick up my son from the holiday program. Sounds lik he had a lot of fun a he came home with a soft plushy octopus he made there. Cute.

I’m drinking orange and cinnamon tea. It’s a game changer. Except I put in a quarter of a teaspoon of sugar. Oops.

It’s chocolate flavoured shakes for dinner. I got this!

I was trying to, I don't know, just be stupid I guess so I
but here I am. Before I called my team's urgent line, first time I was told "just try things," (lmao ok why didn't I think of that?), and then two hours later I figured I was too distressed to deserve a call back so I did that thing.

I have a physical today too, ughhhhh! I need to make a list of stuff to do today so I'm not doing dumb stuff. I keep feeling like I should work on my BPD workbook, but I'm at this part where there are two: "My dysfunctional belief is that_____, but it's untrue because______" but I think I set myself up for failure because I put my first dysfunctional belief is that I'm incapable and unworthy of healthy love, and I can't figure out how that's not true. The second one is "if I weren't a gigantic failure, I'd be doing better at this 'life' thing." and that's just plain fact too, I don't care if it's dysfunctional.

Maybe food and a shower are good ideas right now.

Papi is still hiding. I know it’ll take a bit for him to adjust though

I ordered McDonalds delivery last night

How cute he is!!! If he cant see you, then of course you cant see him! Feet dont count!

I cant get mcdonalds delivered, i just never have luck with them. I get switched between multiple drivers and then nobody ever shows up. Sometimes i would unalive someone for a fish sandwich!

Yup! Cat logic

Ah that sucks, I never had their fish sandwiches before but I bet they’re good!

I'm kinda low in energy today but I feel better then last night. I've lost 4 pounds so far since working out, starting the metformin, starting the new diet and just getting out of the house more. I feel better both physically and mentally. I haven't gotten sick either since the new diet. So thats good.

No news on the job yet after that email. Its been almost 24 hours.

I'm watching reality TV today. I need a break from the news

Edit: I forgot to take my stomach pain med this morning. Its orginal use was for depression. No wonder I've been kinda low today.

Feeling off today, hope it resolves itself-- but I'm kinda oscillating between uneasy and feeling unhappy to being totally OK.

They are referring me to a gastroenterologist surgeon. They want to discuss surgically removing my internal hemorrhoids. I can’t get it done when my mom’s gone to Disney World for a month because my mom doesn’t want N2 picking me up. I can just get an insurance paid for uber if I have to.. A nurse is supposed to call me about it.

Moose, get it in writing! They wouldnt let me get an uber home after my eye surgery. I had to last minute find a "senior helpers" company. I am putting off my cataract surgery because of the "overnight home companion" b.s. Geez if god had meant for me to have a constant companion i woulda been born a... what?! A whale with one of those parasite fishies on 'em? Idk!

I've had a great morning. I took a long power walk since the weather finally wasn't too absolutely cold for me. Had breakfast, showered. My concentration reading with the SAD lamp was excellent. And drawing was awesome this morning I drew 4 pictures (all in the Creative Corner forum).

@BeyondtheRainbow - I never was called on to do much drawing in college. My B.S. degree was in microbiology, so drawing microbes was a cinch. Of course, there were annoying things like having to draw out things like the Krebs cycle, etc. in Biochemistry, but that didn't really require any artistic skill. In grad school, my M.S. was in cell & molecular biology, but my lab work was in microbiology (working mainly with E. coli). I had to do some imaging of protein cell membrane transport, but by that point, computer illustration was called for, and thankfully, that task was given to another lab member or my advising professor for the papers because I wasn't good at that stuff on computer.

My mood is happy!! It feels wonderful. I may bake some after lunch, read as well. (((HUGS))) to all facing difficulties.