[MuddyBoots]

I don't think I can handle any of this anymore. I feel like the more I try the worse I get. Or the less I try the worse I get. If I don't try, I get worse. If I try a little, I get worse. If I don't sleep, I get worse. If I do sleep...well idk because it's been like at least three months months since I slept more than 3 hours straight (unless you include sui attempts by overdosing, then I got about two okay nights in the past three months).

Every time I go to the hospital it seems more and more pointless. The last one I went to didn't even have groups. I spent more time in the ER than at the actual DRF because IEAs don't have any kind of decent process here, and I wound up going to a hospital I shouldn't have even been at because of the intensity of my aggression/panic in the ER (I could literally be on trial right now if the notes are accurate but if I wasn't having a "mental breakdown" and "getting treatment" at the time (total BS)), but if I got sent to the place I should've gone I would've spent 10 business days in the ER and then gone home because the waitlist is massive and an IEA can only hold for 2 weeks + any holidays.

I feel more fked up than ever. I'm sick of everything. I'll probably take my 20000000 sleeping pills and feel super fking manic again like I did last night instead of actually, idk, sleeping????

Is there any coming back at this point or am I just doomed?

[Scooter9]

@MuddyBoots, I can see you're struggling.

I know I said this to you a long time ago, but I really mean it - you don't have to pick up every thread all at once. It's ok to set some aside.

[MuddyBoots]

I’m struggling to pick up a single thread right now.

[Fairy Fountain]

Yeah, I understand how frustrating it can be. The process of trying to get help, and following all of the steps you're told to follow. And when you reach another dead end, you just grow more weary. I had to deal with that for years. I agree with @Scooter9

[MuddyBoots]

Which threads are most important and how do I “pick them up?”

[Fairy Fountain]

@MuddyBoots sorry if I misunderstood anything (threads as in the posts on this forum? or as a metaphor for the problems in life?).

[Scooter9]

Muddy, I think you see the patterns in your life and in your treatments.

The thing is, as you said, you keep circling, coming back to the same point every time. I think that's also a pattern you might not see because you're so close to it, and that's ok.

I think it's important to separate what others expect or want from you and what you want. It's a big question, but it's worth answering.

I think you're stuck in a loop that isn't getting you where you want to be and bumping into dead ends, probably because you've reached the end of what the approach has to offer.

One possibility is that you're in survival mode. While it certainly is helpful, it got you here after all, it has its limits and I think you're bumping into them over and over again.

Maybe search using terms like addicted to survival mode, or something along those lines, and you'll be amazed at what comes up because it might really resonate with you.

I recently reached the same point where you are now and I realized I had reached the end of what survival mode had to offer. My life is still changing but I'm on a different path now which is making a huge difference.